At Least I'm Feeling More Normal

Thank you all so much for you sympathy and advice on yesterday's post. I will work on being patient (not one of my strengths) and accepting that I will have a new normal, post-child(ren) body. I've been working on eating even better than I had been (minus my super crazy sweet tooth, but I've always had that).

Speaking of feeling normal, I've been dealing with everything so much better lately. As we head into spring, my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is improving, as it does every March/April. Because of that, my postpartum depression (PPD) has just about gone away. These two were obviously very closely tied for me.

Let me give you an example of how much better I'm doing. Londo was away on business from Monday until yesterday evening. I can't believe I didn't even mention it while he was gone, but that was because I was doing really well by myself! Yes, it was during the work week, so I wasn't home with a fussy baby all day, but it was still a lot of work to take care of her, the animals, the house and everything else by myself. Londo really shares the childrearing and housework with me, so I'm not used to having to carry the load all by myself. And it's tough.

Last time he went away, I glossed over how bad I felt and how hard it was on me. I didn't get into it here on my blog, but boy did I talk about it with my therapist (who I see for my PPD)! The big mistake we (Londo and I) made was not setting up an adequate support system. I didn't realize that she would not be sleeping as well or that she would skip a nap each day on the weekend while he was gone. In February, I spend 2 or more hours a day in front of a special light that mimics the part of the sunlight that I need (without the harmful UV rays or the rays that would give me a nice tan). When she missed her nap, I didn't have enough time in front of my light. (Babies and kids eyes cannot be in front of the light, because it is very bright and could damage their developing eyes.)

When I don't get enough light, it's like I miss a dose of anti-depressant medication. Not good. Something as simple as her not taking her nap started me on a downward spiral. I couldn't do my light, which filled me with anxiety, which turned a minor frustration into something momentous in my mind, which made me depressed and even more exhausted, which made the baby harder to watch and deal with, which made her fussier, which made me more frustrated and depressed, etc. etc. Doesn't that sound like a fun weekend? Luckily, I wasn't like that all the time that weekend he was away, because the Pumpkin was in general in a good mood and slept pretty well at night. Also, I did reach out for help when I finally realized I needed it, and my mom came over. But I should have had more help or asked sooner. Lesson learned.

But on to the good news... I did great while Londo was away these last few days. I don't just mean outwardly, because I went through all the motions just fine last time. I mean inside my head and emotionally, I did great. Was it easy to do it all by myself? No. Was the Pumpkin fussy on and off? Of course. Did I get frustration? At times. Did it send me on an emotional downward spiral? NO!! It did not! I was able to be frustrated, take a deep breath and move on. This sounds like such a small thing, but it is huge. If you've never been truly, seriously depressed, I don't know if you'll get it. So just trust me, this is a big deal!

I really believe I'm moving past my PPD. I will still do my light therapy for a couple more weeks and take my fish oil to get those fantastic Omega-3 fatty acids, which help with mood. And I will still be very aware of when to ask for help and keep backup plans in place. Because I just never know if a few bad nights of sleep will send me down the spiral again, but for now, I'm feeling very good. I'm enjoying motherhood even more. And I'm even more in love with my daughter!

For anyone else who is suffering from PPD or is pregnant and is concerned they may develop PPD, please check out the following resources:
-Ask Moxie has a PDF on the left side of her site (under Download This) with 14 Tips to Prevent Postpartum Depression
-Ask Moxie also has a few Q&A posts about people dealing with PPD, such as this one, and if you search her site you will find many others
-Check out Dooce's blog, especially the recent post she wrote about her depression, PPD and taking medication
-Here's a post by Dooce's husband, an important look at how a person's depression affects their partner
-Here's a site specifically for Maryland residents
-This is a site where people suffering from PPD share their stories in order to not feel so alone

There are many other resources out there, too. This parenthood thing isn't easy on regular days. When the fog clears, it's amazing how much better even the hard days are. If you or someone you know is suffering from PPD, please get help or help them to get help. It's worth it.