Here is the post where I spill my guts. I've debated whether I wanted to write about any of this or all of it or what. I debated whether my hubby really was okay with me "telling the world," but I'm taking him at his word when he told me to go ahead. I worry about keeping some things private, but I am no longer sure why I would want to keep this private. Going through it last time was so hard to do when I didn't know anyone IRL who was going through it, and it can be so isolating. Thanks to some friends I found through the internet, I had people to talk to. I need support and I need to talk and write about this, because that's how I deal. Besides, the real life friends and family we have who read my blog already know, so here goes...
We are trying to conceive a second child. Some people wait until their child is older and things are more settled to go through the chaos of babyhood/toddlerhood all over again. Londo and I are in agreement that we want to get it all over with together. All the fertility treatments, all the pregnancies, all the nursing, diapers, sleepless nights, teething, etc., we just want to get it all over with in one big lump of sleepless years. Pull it off, like ripping off a bandaid. Have I mentioned that the baby stage is not my or Londo's favorite stage? But we are enjoying the toddler stage, and we seriously are looking forward to 3 and older. So we want to get the baby stage over and have 2 to 3 kids who are 3 and older. We'll get there.
But how will we get there?
I've mentioned before that we struggled with infertility and needed help to conceive the Pumpkin. We have no idea why we had problems, and we were determined to have "unexplained infertility." I won't get into the frustration of a diagnosis like that, especially when we are the types of people who research and try to fix things. There was no specific "problem" to fix. Instead, the specialist (a reproductive endocrinologist (RE)) recommended full medicated IUI cycles to just cover all our bases and hope it worked.
After 2.5 years of trying to conceive (TTC), 5 IUI cycles, 1 miscarriage, 1 D&C for the miscarriage, more needles than I can count, and lots of hormones, we got pregnant with the Pumpkin. I carried to term (past term) delivered our beautiful baby girl. It is a rough road, but it truly was worth it.
And now we are back on the rollar coaster of emotions, hormones, treatments, needles (oh, the so many needles) and who knows what else. We have used any form of birth control for over a year, and we actively tried for a few months. Nothing. We could have kept trying, but as Londo pointed out to me, we don't know if we could ever conceive on our own. Why are we wasting time when we know that the medicated IUIs did work for us--we got pregnant 2 out of the 5 times, so that's a 20% of the time. So since we want to have this second kid soon, we decided to get back to the specialist and start the treatments again.
So, I weaned, because I'm more ready to be pregnant than I am not ready to wean (if that makes sense). I've given up coffee. I've worked with my insurance to figure out insurance stuff. We met with the specialist and set up a plan (in fact, the same plan that worked for us previously). And we have begun to do all the pre-treatment testing again, I guess to make sure that we are still "unexplained."
In fact, just this morning, I went in for the HSG, which is a test where they shoot dye up through my uterus and my fallopian tubes and take x-rays to make sure there are no abnormalities of shape and that my tubes are clear. The cramps that result from this test are pretty bad, but I'm happy to report all was clear!
On the unhappy note, the procedure room was in the same area where I went to have the D&C for the miscarriage I had. Even just going back into the exam rooms brings back so much, like the excite me of a heartbeat, or the devestation of a heart no longer beating. Things I'm sure I'll go into in more detail later, but having been hit pretty hard with some bad memories today, I'm not quite ready to talk about it.
When you go through infertility, there is just so much baggage attached to what is so simple for other people. We want another child. It sounds so easy. Just sex, right? In fact, lots of it to give you better chances! That's sounds great! But when just sex doesn't do it, when it's not that simple... it's just hard to go through. Again. Physically, emotionally, hormonally, mentally...
I (and Londo) just keep trying to concentrate on the wonderful outcome we had last time. In fact, it's easier to go through this time already, partly because we know the drill, but mostly because we know that it can work for us. We have the proof in one amazing, beautiful, supergenius toddler. I am confident that we will have another great outcome. It's just not an easy path for us to get there.
I hope that it will be a bit easier having a place to talk about it and get support.