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Guest Blogger: With Every Christmas Card I Write...

I have a special treat today... My good friend MommyEm has agreed to provide a post for today so I can continue day 2 of baking (which will probably go into a day 3 and maybe 4) and work on my own Christmas cards! Just maybe I'll get it all done close to Christmas. Thanks MommyEm, and enjoy readers!

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All names and some details have been changed to protection the innocent…oh, who am I kidding…it’s to protect me! - MommyEm

I used to like Christmas letters. Until exactly 40 second ago. I liked everything about them – the pictures, the paper, and the concise life updates. My favorites were from close friends and family since I knew the real dirt and liked to see how they edited out the PG-13 and R rated details from their lives. I suppose it all started when my sister and I were the stars of our parents Christmas letters and I liked that people around the globe (my mother has a friend in Holland) were reading about my adventures in life.

But my love of mass yule tide greetings came to a screeching halt when I excitedly ripped open a friend’s letter and can came face to face with a perfection confection that just made me sick. And jealous. Both feelings that make me turn green, which isn’t good with my skin tone. But as a new mom with an 11-month-old who thinks sleep at night is for the weak, I beg your and my friend’s (although I really really really hope she never reads this) forgiveness. Here are six reasons for my unattractive jealous rage towards a dear friend:

1. The letter is perfect and on-time – the perfect picture of darling child with jolly Santa. If we are lucky, Dorothy will get her picture at a local pharmacy Santa with a candy cane in one hand and complimentary bottle of baby Tylenol in the other (childproof cap, of course).
2. Quote – the perfect child is “sleeping through the night since 10 weeks.” No comment. Well, actually lots of comments, but I don’t want Dorothy’s second word to be “@#%&#!!”
3. Adorable cat loves adorable baby – I keep worrying that Dorothy will need a baby eye patch after our demon cat Medea takes a swipe at her one day.
4. She loves her job and gets paid well. I love my job, but the last time I checked this stay-at-home mom thing was an unpaid internship.
5. Perfect husband got a new perfect job. My perfect husband, love him as I do, got the perfect job, but it requires a move during the holidays.
6. They have the perfect house. I have a house that looks like it could audition for an episode of “Clean House.”

See? She’s organized, sleeping, and looks really cute in her picture. Of course I hate her. Can you blame me? Wait…don’t answer that. Jealous ragers, especially those who haven’t slept for over a year, only ask rhetorical questions. Childish? Yeah. Petty? Sure. Will feel bad about disparaging a friend? Absolutely. After eight straight hours of sleep. I swear. So, happy holidays from the Land of NO-Z’s and may all your children sleep through the night.

Comments

caramama said…
Well, I still haven't finished my holiday cards, so they won't go out until after Christmas. And I ordered mine from Snapfish, so all I had to do was address the envelopes. I couldn't even get that done!
Becoming Mommy said…
It’s possible that you’re friends “perfection” is all a fa├žade. In our cards it showed a clean house, impeccably groomed and friendly dogs—complete with baby smiling in the direction of one (although, my mother decided it was a look of terror at the beast), and so on. They were on time and a note went in about our great jobs, etc.
This was all a carefully plotted hoax.
We had the photo taken the day before they went out. I’d already printed out labels for the addresses and the inserts so it was just a question of staying up till 1am stuffing 55 envelopes.
The photo was planned to be just a few days after the cleaning service and the dog groomer came by so things would look unusually clean. It as Sasha’s 3rd outfit and after his 2nd bath of the day. It appears plums don’t agree with him. The picture was taken in front of the hearth—the ONLY place we decorated for the holidays. You can’t see the muddy pawprints all over the floor or the ½ a mouse in the corner that the Hound brought in while we were trying to get the photo staged (I got rid of it right after). You can’t see the tiny nick on KerryGirl’s neck from a fight they had earlier in the morning. Sasha doesn’t sleep, but lots of makeup and espresso help me look rested. And my job may be great, but it pays about $25K less than what the market is for my skills and requires about 3-4 hours of commuting ...I’m trying to keep my hunt under the radar. Husband is in the same boat.
I’d guess your friend might be just as good a liar. Either that, or the great equalizer of karma will come for her. :-)
caramama said…
Thank you, becoming mommy, for your honest portrayl of your Christmas cards! Very funny! Don't worry, we'll never tell!

When MommyEm first wrote me about this, I replied: It's all a lie! But even if it isn't, she's a mess on the inside!

Aren't I in the holiday spirit? This is just not a good time of year for me. Normally, I'm very nice and supportive.
OneTiredEma said…
I agree--no idea what is going on "behind the scenes."

And also, even if such a life were possible, it's not sustainable. When this baby's 18 month sleep regression/tantrum rebellion happens, this family is going to crumble into a heap if everything is so "perfect" now.

Life has its warts, I guess most people just don't want to share them in the Christmas letter! :-)
Becoming Mommy said…
it takes 18 months for tantrums to start? Sasha has started at 6. I don't wnat to know how bad they'll be at 18.
ImpostorMom said…
Well she has obviously totally jinxed herself. She must not know that if you have a sleeping child you certainly don't talk about it, much less broadcast it in an xmas letter.

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