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In Other News, I'm About to Lose It.

Apparently, I can be on top of the world feeling like a Domestic Goddess, and then have a few bad nights of sleep in a row... and I'm about to lose my youknowwhat. My calm, patient, able-to-handle-it attitude is pretty much gone. It's not a problem with it being 2 kids versus 1, as having 2 to juggle seems normal these days.

It's much more bad nights of sleep and having spent 10 weeks home being "Mom." I'm just not cut out for being a stay at home mom. I honestly have so much respect for those who do it, but I'm seriously getting close to losing my mind.

There is no real time off. Maybe I get an hour to myself to decompress, or maybe I get out for an hour to run an errand or for a doctor's appointment, but usually I at least have the Pookie with me. I get stir crazy being home all day, day after day, but the Pookie is just not that great at running errands. The Pumpkin would scream in the carseat the whole way to wherever we were going, but then I'd slip her in the sling and she'd (usually) be happy as a clam in high tide as I wandered in stores and walked around. The Pookie cries in the car most of the way, maybe falls asleep either in the carseat/stroller combo or in my sling, but then wakes up and is FUSSY. He's HUNGRY or needs a DIAPER CHANGE--usually both. It's just one thing after another after another, until I say uncle and we head back home where he can be fed and changed and entertained on demand.

Add to that some fussy Two-ness from the Pumpkin and some very poor sleep thanks to both of them, and I'm insanely tired, grumpy and moody. Oh, and let's not forget the hormonal craziness I'm still getting 10 weeks postpartum. Oh, and and and... the stress of getting the Pumpkin ready for starting school (and my nervousness about that) PLUS going back to work, which includes figuring out with my managers what I am coming back to. Well, I'm just feeling like a hot mess these days. A big ole mess who can barely handle anything.

Amazing how this roller coaster ride keeps me on my toes, eh?

When I was feeling so good about handling the two kids and getting the house back into shape, I kept saying to Londo that I could totally see having a third. That I even really think I still want three. Londo is pretty sure he wants just two. We've gone back and forth before on this, many times in fact. Over the last week, Londo has had some perfect timing in asking if I still want three.

Like after none of us sleep much Friday night due to a really loud thunderstorm, and on Saturday both kids were extra fussy and both adults were extremely tired. There was one moment when the kids were yelling and crying and we were both about to lose it, he looks over at me and asked if I still wanted three. Or when we were trying to get them both in the car on Sunday to go to church and the baby was screaming and the toddler was being obstinate, and we were trying to juggle them, pick up my grandmother and still get to church on time, Londo looks up at me and asks if I really wanted another one.

He makes good points. hehe.

So it's not all rainbows and unicorns. I (and we) have some really great moments, like when I had the baby in my lap and was reading books to the Pumpkin who was sitting next to me. There are many other moments that put me right on the edge. Those moments pass, but I just want to be sure to share the good and the bad.

Comments

Nicole said…
I'm usually just lurking. I found you through your comments on moxie's site and always liked what you have to say. I just wanted to tell you how well I understand what you are feeling and that I'm sorry and wish you some more sleep soon and last but not least: this too shall pass.
My two kids are 2 1/2 years and 9 months old so sleep is in short supply in our home too. When my second was born I just knew I would one day hold another baby in my arms. Nowadays I'm note sure I have the strength and energy for it - but as my husband would love to have three or four I guess I will indeed one day hold a newborn again and everything will somehow work out because eventually they get older and sleep better and the good days - like you described in your last post - are so wonderful.
paola said…
I'm amazed that so many women CHOOSE to be WOHM ( and not because they have to work for financial reasons). I guess I've had a lot of time to get used to it ( 4.5 years as SAHM). I still really do love being at home with the kids, but not if I'm stuck in the house all day long. We don't have extreme weather here in MILAN, although summer is pretty awful, but unless it rains, I spend some part of the day ourtside.

Everything is more difficult with two kids, especially with a newborn, but I think it just takes time and a lot of trial and error to see what works.

But it is totally normal to get pissed off. I do and regularly. I have even apologised to our neighbours for all the shouting ( mine , not the kids). I'm no Supermum, and rarely do anything I'm ashamed of, but it is OK to lose it now and then.
meggiemoo said…
My maternity leave had the same trajectory as yours...I was riding high for the first several weeks, then it all sort of came crashing down, and I was thinking, "WHY did we do this?" I mean, I adore my DD (now 5 months old) and my DS (now 3-1/2) separately, but taking care of them together was brutal at times.

And mad props to all SAHMs...you guys rock. It is sooo hard. But then, right when I felt like I had it all together again, around 4 months, I had to go back to work!

We don't have such easy choices, we parents. I wish every woman could work part-time if she wished and still have great health care. Seems like that would be the best solution of all.
Cloud said…
You'll feel better once the looming changes are done- Pumpkin's in preschool, you're back at work, and you're settling into the new routine.

In the meantime, just keep reminding yourself that you feel so bad because you are sleep deprived, not because you aren't a domestic goddess. Even domestic goddesses need sleep!

I hope you find a way to get some soon.
-goofydaddy said…
I don't know how my mom stayed at home with THREE boys. granted, when I was born, my brothers were 4 and 5. that must have been the craziest year of her life until my oldest brother started school.

Once Pumpkin starts school, it will be so much easier for you and Pookie. it's like you have one kid again! that's how it's been for us these past 6 weeks (except for this week, Aria's school is closed).

I'm so glad Aria will be in school when I stay at home with Emmett. I just hope he's as easy as Aria was when I stayed at home with her.

The mornings will be "fun" (those quotes are just for you), with both of them, and getting Aria ready in time for school.
cirquedubebe said…
Goofydaddy has a good point about the school. It will take the pressure off.

As for being a SAHM, when Monkey was little, I went nuts. The new "job" I had which I had no idea how to do plus the isolation of being at home with little interaction with the outside world other than mommy groups and trips to Target. I seriously lost my mind.

But looking back I think a lot of it stems from the sleep deficit you build up over time. Yes, you lost 3 hours last night but how much over the past 3 weeks. And it takes forever for you to get good "sleep" credit again. As a matter of fact, I think I just caught up and Monkey is 2.

I don't want to discourage you though. From your posts and seeing you at the last mommy blogger event, you looked great and seemed to be taking it all in very well.

Suppose what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up. If you are doing the best you can, then that's ENOUGH.
- Dana said…
I feel your pain. I think having a newborn with a toddler is really hard. I'm sure it will get better...Atleast that is what I tell myself. I have a similar situation and I have highs and lows. I even question - what the heck where we thinking having two. But I keep telling myself it will be so worth it when...ummm the little guy can do more than just cry, poo, nurse and sleep. I'm nervous to get back to work with the new routine. One day at a time and I will do the best I can. All I can say is that I am THANKFUL to have a husband that has totally tried his best to take the pressure off of me with two around, even when he has his job to do. Sometimes I'm like, "dude I can totally handle this...just take care of your stuff." :-) Thanks Goofydaddy! But most of the time I TOTALLY can't handle it and I need him. I repeat over and over...I RESPECT SAHMs and SAHDs SO MUCH! ...here we go, the poo/crank monster is stiring and he sounds hungry!
Man, the fear of handling two at once (and one of them a newborn!) is why we're waiting until le Petit goes off to nursery school in a year to think about having another. (Or 9ish months before then, anyway.) I would like to stay home with a little one for around a year, but I think doing a SAHM gig for two simultaneously would make me lose it very, very quickly.

Hang in there. You are doing a wonderful job! The bonding you're doing with the pookie (and the pumpkin, as she gets ready for school!) is far more important than any housework. And getting in some much-needed "you" time is more important than housework, too, I'd wager.
cynthia said…
I think the points about the CUMULATIVE sleep deprivation are valid. You have a lot going on, with lack of sleep and two kids, plus thinking about going back to work. Just take it day by day, one thing at a time!

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