Virtual Lunches with School Friends

Today was Day 3 of virtual school. I'm happy to say that it seems to be going well so far. Whew! 

My kids are both in middle school now, so they have similar schedules, which are generally like this: 

• Mondays - Live virtual classes for periods 1 - 4
• Tuesdays - Live virtual classes for periods 5 - 8
• Wednesdays - Independent study all day, with optional check-ins for every period
• Thursdays - Live virtual classes for periods 1 - 4
• Fridays - Live virtual classes for periods 5 - 8

As it is the first week of school, everyone is still adjusting. And the truth is, the mental adjustment is probably the hardest part at this point. My kids have been grumpy and moody. No more hanging out all morning, playing video games for lengthy amounts of time, watching TV, not getting dresses... No more summer break!

We all know the best part about going back to school is seeing your friends. This year, they don't even get to really do that, at least in person. So they have to give up the freedoms they get during summer break, adjust to this new way of "going" to school virtually, start doing school work, and they don't even get to chat with friends in hallways, classes, and the cafeteria! 

Yesterday, the Pookie's best friend's mom messaged me and two other moms about letting this group of friends together for a virtual lunch today. Since Wednesday is for independent study and they weren't on video meetings/classes all day, it was the perfect day to let them get online together to eat lunch and play around. What a great idea! We all agreed and finalized the plan this morning. 

The boys had a great time! At one point, one of the other moms messaged the rest of us saying she just heard the best laugh from her son! We all agreed that it went well, and we plan to let them do it every Wednesday. They may not be in a cafeteria together, but they can at least get on a video call and have lunch and a good time playing around together.   

When the Pumpkin heard that her brother was doing a lunch with friends, she asked if she could, also. She has been communicating with her friends pretty regularly--probably even daily, either through messaging or video calls. But this was different, because it is really about finding a way to replace the cafeteria school lunchtimes. Of course I said she could, and her friends were able to also. And of course they had a great time. I told her she should do it every Wednesday. 

So what if they are technically getting more screen time by being on laptops/phones with video calls. So what if they are eating their sandwiches while sitting on the floors of their rooms and not in chairs at a table. So what if one of our dogs ate the sandwich crusts when one of the kids left the bedroom door open after lunch. They are getting a workable substitution for an important part of the school experience. 

Side benefit: They make their own lunches, so I don't have to pack lunchboxes and make sure they remember them, nor do do I need to clean them out after spending hours in backpacks and lockers!

Ready for Virtual School

Tomorrow is the first day of school for the 2020-2021 school year. My school district originally developed plans for both a hybrid approach of in-person and virtual learning, but mid- to late-summer the numbers were still not looking good and there were too many concerns and unknowns, so they decided to plan for everyone to be virtual at least for the first semester. In either case, we were going to keep the kids home to go to school virtually. 

In order to set up the kids for this, Londo and I talked with them to figure out where they feel most comfortable "going to school" virtually and have set them up with the technology, materials, and space we think they will need. We are planning to support them and the teachers, try to help them stay organized and on task, and guide them with technology and work.    

The Pumpkin is starting 8th grade. She worked with me to come up with a compromise so she could work at the dining room table in way that doesn't completely take over the household space. She is staying at one end of the table, using a mat to protect the table, keeping her supplies in an organizer box, and putting papers in clear filing trays. I even set her up a white board/bulletin board propped next to her. 

The Pookie is starting 6th grade--starting middle school! He likes working at the desk in his room, and we've cleared off space and put what he needs handy on the desk and in the drawers. He also have an organizer to write down assignments, a binder and folders for papers, and his desk has a bulletin board with his schedule pinned to it.

I'm really proud of my county for making the decision and creating plans to provide virtual learning for all kids. They developed a plan they shared not only with the school board but also with the public. Many parents weighed in, and they listened. The school board approved the plans only last week, which is cutting it pretty close, but everyone was prepared to move forward with the plan. 

Londo and I were relieved when we heard the virtual option would be offered if they went with a hybrid approach (we are even happier that they are going fully virtually). With the hybrid model, we would keep the kids home anyway by selecting fully virtual so those who really need to be in person could have more space there. We are fortunate that we are working from home, have good internet, and are able to support the kids. In addition, we want to keep the kids home unless/until there is some drastic change for the better. And I don't mean improved numbers or smaller classes so there can be more social distancing. I mean a vaccine or accurate and quick tests or, I don't even know what else.

My problem with the assumptions people are making about kids and this virus is that there are STILL too many unknowns AND that the virus keeps mutating. So it's not like we know that kids won't get it, won't be that affected, or won't carry it to others. It's that we simply DO NOT KNOW what will happen if we put a bunch of kids together in a school, in classes that change every 45 minutes, in narrow hallways, in places to eat lunch, in the doorways and corridors that everyone uses at the same times all day long. 

Except we do, don't we? Don't we at least have an idea of what will happen? Haven't we seen some examples from other countries and in colleges in the US that have already brought kids onto campus? We know that kids can get and transmit the virus, we are learning that they may quite effective at spreading the virus, and we know that some children can get severely sick from the virus. Personally, I do not expect kids to be able to maintain social distancing in school hallways, I just assume that kids (especially the youngest ones) won't want to wear masks, and I am not at all surprised when college kids go to parties and social gatherings. 

Therefore, it's up to us parents, administrators, government, and other adults to be the adults. It is up to us to keep the kids safe, to make decisions based on the well-being of all of those in our community, and to admit that we don't know how this virus will affect kids, mutate, or cause long-term problems. 

I do not want my kids to be guinea pigs in a potentially devastating experiment. I do not want to chance them in unknown situations with potentially lasting and/or lethal repercussions. I do not want anyone to! 

I feel like we have the technology and capabilities for our kids to learn safely, even if it is not an ideal situation. And even if we don't have the best year of education, even if our kids fall behind a little due to the current crisis situation, I believe kids are resilient and will bounce back from this. But only if they are healthy enough to do so. Only if they don't have to live with feelings of guilt for spreading a virus that kids family and friends, even if they don't get sick. 

We all want things to be back to "normal" and the kids to go back into schools. But wanting something to be doesn't make it so. We should all be planning for the worst, even while we hope for the best. We should all be coming up with inventive plans to deal with the NEW normal. We all need to adjust, adapt, innovate, and maybe even evolve--it's what humans do, in every generation, to survive in new circumstances. 

So tomorrow, we try school in a new way, with innovation and hopefully a lot of patience. 

Candy Camp Was Delicious

For the past few summers, one of my best friends and her family would meet for a week at the beach. This year, for obvious reasons, we did not get together for a vacation at the beach. I still wanted to get together in some format, some way to see each other and get the kids together daily for a week virtually.

So I came up with... Candy Camp! 

I had hoped my friend would be able to work with me in creating it as an activity we could do together, but she didn't end up having the capacity. Her youngest daughter wanted to participate (the older one is a teen and has pretty much spent her summer shut in her room), but my friend agreed to it as an idea and okayed the week I wanted to have it. 

My kids were excited to do it, and I bought candy molds for chocolate bars and a kit for creating gummy candies. I planned out the themes for each day and the daily schedule, and I created a online packet with slides that walked the kids through morning activities and pages for afternoon independent work. I set up a Google Meet conference call, and we had kickoff meetings each morning and a wrap-up meeting most afternoons. 

The themes for each day were: 

• Monday - Design your candy
• Tuesday - Market research
• Wednesday - Make your candy!
• Thursday - Plan your packaging and advertising
• Friday - Present your candy and describe your commercial

We had so much fun! My kids really liked it, and my daughter even said, while going through the first day's packet, that this was like a real camp! 

And my kids were so creative! They designed very inventive candies, came up with names and logos, drew the packaging and ads, and developed how they wanted to commercials to go. Here are the candies: 

                

• Far left: Pookie's candy was muffin-shaped fudge with caramel inside and M&Ms on top.
• Far right: Pumpkin's candy was a gummy bar with a dollop of jelly inside and covered with a milk chocolate and white chocolate drizzled on top.
• Middle two: My candy (a white chocolate and milk chocolate version) had chocolate on top and bottom and a middle layer of peanut butter combined with marshmallow fluff and Rice Krispies

We learned some things while doing this camp, too. In addition to market research and branding, there were many teachable moments. For example, our candy making went from Wednesday into Thursday because making candy is a difficult process. We had to make three batches of fudge before we got the right consistency to get the caramel inside and set correctly. We had to figure out how to get jelly into the gummy candy, and we had to scrape off the first try at the chocolate shell because it wouldn't set. 

As I said to my kids late on Wednesday, "Making candy isn't easy! If it was, everyone would do it." 

It was also such a great way to see my friend and her daughter every day and feel like we were really doing something with them. Her daughter really enjoyed it, too, and she came up with an adorable, creative candy, name, and ad. I was quite impressed. 

So it was fun, informative, a great creative outlet, a good bonding experience from a distance, and absolutely delicious! If you ever have the chance to design and make your own candy, I highly recommend it. Just don't make too much, or your next camp will need to be figuring out how to let out your waistband!

The Beginnings of a Ski Buddy

After lunch, my daughter and I went back up the "magic carpets" to the top of the bunny slopes. She wanted to keep skiing! With me!


I went down diagonally and waited for her, like the instructor had. She came right down after me. We did this a few more times, and then the Pumpkin asked if we could go together. She said that is what she wanted--us to ski together. At the same time. (Like ski buddies!)


And so we did. I kept on the lower side of her, just in case. But she was doing great.


When we got to the end of a diagonal, we would stop facing the way we had come and slowly inch our skis around till we were facing the other way. But then, my daughter started turning at the end of the run so she was facing the other way once she stopped, ready to go on the next run.


I was very impressed, as she did this without me giving any instructions. I pointed it out to her. She said, "I just thought it would be easier to end facing the way we'd go next." Indeed it is! And I told her she had just naturally taken the next step in downhill skiing!


We made it to the bottom of the hill, with her getting better each run, and gaining in confidence. At the bottom, she looked at me with excitement and asked if we had time to go again. And we did! So we did!


My daughter and I skied down that bunny hill together! She was feeling so good about her skiing that she pointed out she was skiing faster than I was! I gave her a look and asked if she realized that I was going slower than her on purpose, and with chagrin she admitted she hadn't realized. I pointed out that although it had been a while since I skied, I was actually quite good and was only using the snowplow/pizza wedge method to stay with her. I think that gave her some insight into what would come next, and how much more she can learn, as she continues to learn to ski. Besides, I couldn't let her think she had already surpassed my skill in skiing! Confidence is good, but let's not overdo it!


When we reached the bottom, our time was up. We had had a fantastic time, and when we went into the lodge, she told my dad that it was "EPIC!" Epic! Hurray!


We are both looking forward to going skiing again, and my brother said he would love to go with us any time we were going. I foresee a lot of fun trips in our future! Unfortunately, this winter was so mild, we didn't have the opportunity to go again this winter. But I'm already starting to plan for next year...

We Take to the Slopes

In January, I planned a ski weekend for my family with my brother, his twins and my parents. (My sister and her kids couldn't make it.) I'm very lucky that we have family who has a house by a ski resort within a few hours of where we live, so we had a free place to stay. My brother and I priced out how much the skis, lift tickets and classes would be for us all, and we went for it!


I first learned to ski when we were on a trip to New Hampshire when I was probably 8 or 9. I remember... bundling up in my furry gray and white coat... how difficult it was to move around in skis... the lesson I took with my sister... how lost I felt when I slipped off the J-bar behind the trees when no one else was around... and the exhilaration of sliding down the hill while in control of my movements and speed! I loved it! After that, we went skiing pretty much every year at one of the ski resorts close to where we lived.


Londo used to ski, but he didn't grow up skiing like I did. Then, he hurt his knee pretty bad the last time he went skiing,--which was why it was the last time he went skiing. Londo really enjoyed skiing prior to that, and he supported taking the kids to learn to ski. In fact, he would have gone on the bunny slopes with us, except he got really sick with a cold and couldn't be outside and/or active. But he did come up for the weekend and stayed at the lodge with my parents while my brother and I took the four kids out to the slopes.


The Pumpkin was VERY excited to learn to ski. She was almost 10, and I felt she was ready to ski. When I first mentioned it a couple of months earlier, she immediately said she wanted to learn. The Pookie was not so sure. He is two years younger (7 and a half), and these days he gets anxious about learning new things or trying things outside his normal routines. But I showed them both a video of some little kid doing the pizza wedge (I grew up calling it the snowplow) down a bunny hill, and that got him interested. He thought it looked pretty easy and maybe even a little fun. He agreed to try it.


My brother's kids were only kind of interested, but they don't always want to try new things either. However, the twins are about to turn 11, and my brother wanted to make sure they at least attempted to learn at this age. He loves to ski as much as I do, so he wanted to share it with them. In order to preempt any arguments about it, he outright bribed them. He offered them each $10 if they at least tried the lesson.


We rented all our gear (with Londo being our hero and running across the entire resort to get us goggles even though he was sick); however we had to wait a while for the next class to begin. So my brother and I showed the kids how to put the skis on and take them off. We showed them how to move around on the flattish ground, but it is not nearly as easy as it looks! Still, the Pumpkin seemed to pick it up pretty quickly, and the Pookie fell a bit but seemed okay. My brother's son fell down constantly, but he got back up every time and kept trying. I was rather impressed with that grit! My brother's daughter struggled to move herself on the skis. I think she was getting pretty frustrated.


My brother and I took the beginners lesson with the kids (which turned out to be SUCH a good idea). When it started, the instructor had us take off our skis and go up the "magic carpets" to the top of the bunny slope.

When we got to the top, I learned that my brother's daughter had opted out. My brother made sure she understood that she would get $10 if she did the lesson, but she was uncomfortable and did not want to continue. (Luckily, the resort let him return her skis later for full reimbursement.) His son then asked if he would get the $10 even if he fell during the lesson, to which my brother said of course! So his daughter went into the lodge with Londo and my parents, and his son continued on with us.


The instructor was great, showing us how to move without our skis actually on. Then we tried with one ski on, then the other, and then both. The Pumpkin seems to pick up on it pretty well, and the Pookie struggled a bit but was making progress. My nephew was still falling a lot, but he continued to get back up and try again!


Then we started moving downhill. The instructor would go across the hill and a little ways down. Then she would signal the next person to come down, and then the next. Sometimes, she would come back up and help a person down (most of the class were kids, and it was everyone's first time, except my brother and me ). I watched as my daughter went down, doing pretty well for her first time! Then I went down... boy, it had been a long time since I've skied! Last time was before kids, so over 10 years ago!


And then I looked up to see my son hesitant to come down. I had been helping him quite a bit at the top of the hill, and I realized too late that I should not have come down before him. The instructor went up to help him, but I felt my heart in my throat when I watched him. He was nervous. He was not steady. Here was my boy up the hill on skis while I watched from below. He held on to the instructor's pole, which she held out horizontally, and came down with her.


The next two passes across the hill were as shallow as the first. The Pumpkin was still doing great, and I went down with the Pookie, with my pole out for him to hold. Then, the instructor went farther down the hill than she had before. I watched my brother, nephew and daughter do fine. Then, I went with the Pookie.


He was really anxious about this pass, since it was steeper than all the others. But I took him slowly, and he did okay. His biggest problem was keeping his skis in a wedge without crossing them, and I realized he would have done a lot better with shorter skis (lesson learned for next time). When we got to the stopping point of this pass, he fell over. I sat on the ground with him and pointed out that we had only a few more passes to go.


His eyes went wide.


"No, Mommy! I just can't do it!" He said to me, pleadingly. And I realized that was as much as he could do. He had done great! He had made it through the lesson itself, and we were just practicing pizza wedges to the bottom. He hadn't complained, he didn't have any meltdowns (something we are dealing with lately), and he really did try hard the whole time! He simply did not have the ability to keep his legs far enough apart in a wedge to keep the skis from crossing.


I looked up at my brother, who quickly said that he could go down with the Pumpkin and his son. She was doing really well and didn't need much supervision. I thanked him and took off my son's skis and my skis. I carried all the skis and poles, and the Pookie and I walked down the last part of the bunny hill.


Londo was at the bottom, and I watched the Pumpkin ski right up to him! She did great! When the Pookie and I walked up to him, I knew he was worried that our son had thrown some sort of fit, so I quickly explained how well he did and that we just walked down the last part. And we all went in to the lodge for lunch!


After lunch, we started talking about what we were doing next. Most people were ready to go back to the house. Just as I started to agree that we should all go back, the Pumpkin piped up, "I want to go back out and ski more! Mom, I wanted to ski with you."


YES! There it is... the thing I was hoping for... the beginnings of a Ski Buddy!


I've needed a ski buddy for years. With Londo not skiing any more (in fact, he stopped before we even met) and most people busy with their kids, I need someone to go with--ideally without leaving Londo with both kids for a weekend. And my kid wanted to go with me! I quickly agreed, and since we took two cars from the house, it worked out well.


This post is too long already, so I will write up my wonderful time skiing with my new ski buddy later.


But here was the after-lunch tally:
- Caramama: Happy to have a ski bunny and going back to the bunny slopes.
- The Pumpkin: LOVED skiing and going back to the bunny slopes.
- The Pookie: Tried skiing, but struggled enough for one day and going back to the house.
- Londo: Really quite sick and going back to the house.
- Brother: Going to the more advanced slopes for some time to ski by himself.
- Nephew: Tried skiing and did alright, but ready to go back to the house.
- Niece: Got on skis, but did not try skiing and very ready to go back to the house.
- Mom: Going back to the house.
- Dad: Staying in the lodge (working on his computer) to wait for us and drive us back. (Isn't he a great guy? This was totally his choice, too, since either my brother or I could have driven back.)


More to come...

Still Fidgeting, But Now With Diagnosis

It came as no surprise to me or Londo when we got the diagnosis that the Pumpkin has ADHD. There have been YEARS of high activity, constant motion and fidgeting, impulsiveness, inability to focus, inability to organize, forgetfulness of tasks and trouble keeping her attention on tasks. I had suspected it for a long, long time. I'm not saying all fidgety babies will have ADHD, but my daughter was fidgety and had other signs and does indeed have ADHD.

Not only at home have we seen these issues, but also in daycare and every year of school. In the daycares, the teachers would pulling me aside many times saying how the Pumpkin wouldn't sit down and participate in circle time. I remember thinking that not all kids can sit that long. But then I'd stay and observe, and she'd be the only one not sitting, moving around, finding other things to get into to the entire time the other kids sat in circle time. And then there were her issues with nap time. Nap time? What is that? Oh that time period when my daughter has to stay put for over an hour in a darkened room with nothing to do? Yeah, that generally did not go well.

In kindergarten at the Montessori school, I had to go in to meet with the teacher and the director to discuss the Pumpkin's behavior issues. She is spirited, I'd think, and high energy! Aren't there a lot of kids like this? Well, just like the fidgeting as a baby, some kids are just more high energy than others. And the Pumpkin is a lot more. The Pumpkin needed some special treatment (now I've learned the official word is "accommodations") to get her through the day. The teacher explained she did some research on the internet and found some things she was going to try. Ways to keep her on task, a place for her to take a break and calm down, things like that. She mentioned that she found these ideas on a site about kids with ADHD, but she was careful to add that she wasn't saying the Pumpkin had ADHD and that she wasn't suggesting a diagnosis. Just that they had some good ideas for the Pumpkin.

At the time, I was scared of those four letters. When I was growing up, those letters were just starting to be used, and they meant something was wrong with that kid! I didn't understand what it really meant, and I was scared that my child had something wrong and would be labeled.

We got through kindergarten, and the teacher was great working with the Pumpkin. But now I was also starting to research tips for dealing with high-energy kids, which led me to websites about ADHD. I started reading and learning about it. My eyes were opening, and I was starting to understand what ADHD really means and how my daughter had all the symptoms. Londo still wasn't ready to label her with anything, and I agreed. But boy, those sites helped me understand that she wasn't trying to be difficult or make things harder than they needed to be--her brain works differently from mine and others. For many things, she needs help and guidance, not parents getting mad and yelling.

A few weeks into 1st grade, I got an email from the Pumpkin's teacher asking me to come in and talk about some issues she was having. When I sat down with the 1st grade teacher, she explained to me that the Pumpkin was having issues sitting for long periods, focusing on her work, being easily distracted. As every teacher (or even every adult!) who has had the Pumpkin would say, she is very smart! But... she sure did have a lot of energy! And she wasn't finishing her work. She was distracting other kids. Etc., etc., etc. I explained that I was pretty sure she had ADHD, but that we were not ready to get it diagnosed. The teacher was understanding, and we discussed things she could do in the classroom to help the Pumpkin stay focused and get her work done. She was a fabulous teacher, and we worked with her throughout the year to make sure the Pumpkin had a good year.

And 2nd grade, pretty much repeat the paragraph above... email a few weeks in... meeting with teacher... not ready for a diagnosis... I let the 2nd grade teacher know what seemed to work and not work or stopped working for the Pumpkin in 1st grade. At the parent-teacher conference in November, the report was overall good, but she was still having some problems with focusing and finishing her work. Londo and I talked with the teacher about whether or not these issues were interfering with her learning. She said not at that time. But as the year progressed, the Pumpkin was finishing less and less work in class. She would bring it home, and we'd make her finish the school work with her homework. It was excruciating!

In late spring of her 2nd grade year, the teacher emailed again, saying that the issues were now interfering with her learning. The teacher and we parents tried different incentives, but it was still a struggle for her. Londo and I final agreed that it was time to get her diagnosed.

I remember the day I had my eureka moment about myself, when I realized I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. My entire life felt like it made sense. Just having a name for what had been going on for YEARS made me feel better. I was able to look it up and find ways to deal with it.

I wanted that for the Pumpkin.

I met with our pediatrician, basically saying "You know how we have all suspected she has ADHD? We'd like it official now." The pediatrician, who has been the Pumpkin's pediatrician literally since birth, nodded knowingly and gave me names of people who do evaluations.

That spring into summer, we set up all the appointments for the in-depth evaluations. Her 2nd grade teacher, Londo and I filled in numerous questionnaires about the Pumpkin. She went into the appointments and was tested for ADHD, learning disabilities, IQ, and some other things.

Near the end of the summer, Londo and I met with the woman who conducted the evaluations. She reviewed the final report with us. There was nothing surprising in it to Londo and myself. The Pumpkin is extremely smart, very creative and interesting, and great at verbally communicating. There was no doubt at all that she has ADHD. She did not have any learning disabilities. And she also has a diagnosis for general anxiety. Yes, yes, yes and yes. Londo and I just nodded and looked at each other knowingly.

It helped to have the official diagnosis going into 3rd grade. Our school is really fantastic about how they handle different types of kids and all of their needs. We put in place a 504 plan, which documents the accommodations the Pumpkin needs in order to function in class at the same level as her peers. Having the diagnosis and the 504 plan in place means that what she needs is recorded in official documents so that every year each new teacher will know what she needs. The email from a new teacher a few weeks into a school year won't be needed, because we already have information on record and I will reach out to the teachers ahead of time letting know the teachers know about the diagnosis, that she has the 504 plan and that we will support anything the teacher needs.

Now, a year after starting her evaluation, Londo and I are both very knowledgeable about ADHD. Her brain works differently than (most of) her classmates, and that's okay. As we've talked about with her, there are lots of amazing people in the world who have ADHD (her favorite example I gave was Iron Man, because come on! Tony Stark definitely has ADHD!). Having the letters makes no difference in who she is as a person nor her behavior. She is going to be herself, and we love her for it.

This kid has amazing energy and is interesting and is fun and funny and has so many wonderful qualities. She is still very fidgety, but that is just part of the awesome package that is my vivacious, interesting and awesome daughter. This child is going places in life, and we'll help support her getting there.

To Tell the Truth

The Pumpkin has a very active imagination. She loves to make up songs, stories, names and, well, everything. She is taking drama class again this year, and she loves to pretend to be things. Most often lately she's wanted to pretend to be a teacher and I am the mom teacher, which is a cute idea.

She also loves to be silly and does things just to make people laugh. Part of her silliness is making up funny things, combining her love of thinking up things and being silly. She comes up with all sorts of things, and I'm constantly amused, as is Londo and the Pookie.

But it can be hard to figure out exactly what to believe sometimes. I know what she makes up when I'm right there (she is not really marrying her brother), and I can also guess quite a bit of what's made up about school (they do not have a classroom horse so they can learn about taking care of horses). But sometimes there are stories she tells that I don't know if they are true or not.

And just to keep me completely confused, she either doesn't understand the concept of "true" or thinks it means something it doesn't. Because after she told me the story about the classroom horse? She looked at me, nodded her head and said, "It's true." One time she even said, "True story"! Kids these days learn that internet speak early!

One thing that drives Londo crazy is when people lie to him. So he's worked to explain what is true versus what is a lie to the Pumpkin for years. She either isn't getting it or is pushing her boundries to see what stories she can get away with. Either way, it can be frustrating for all involved.

If we can't believe her when she says something is true, then it become really hard to trust that she's doing what she should be. For example, if we ask if she washed her hands after she used the potty, we've heard her insist she has even though we saw her NOT do it. But other times, she insists to the point of tears that she has and we don't know if she has or not, which must be extremely frustrating for her if she really is telling the truth.

I always keep in mind a phrase one commenter on Ask Moxie who was a teacher would say to her students' parents: I'll believe half of what the kids say happen at home if you believe half of what they say happen at school.

I know it's a normal development phase, and the book Nurture Shock claimed that the ability to lie shows intelligence in children. But it's still frustration.

On the bright side, she does have an amazing imagination and tells very interesting stories and comes up with very creative games. That's the part I concentrate on, even when she tells me that she truly had the toy first, not her brother, when I know she didn't. Who knows what that girl of mine is going to come up in her life? I can't wait to find out.

Question of the Week - The Things They Remember

I was driving the kids to school the other day, and we passed by a car that was pulled over by a couple police officers. My daughter said that the police were helping the person whose car was broken or out of gas. I went ahead and told her that they had actually stopped the car because the person in the car had done something they shouldn't have.

So of course the Pumpkin says, "Hey Mommy! Remember that time when the police man pulled you over because you were going to fast?"

Yes, yes I remember. But why must she remember? And why must she bring it up every few months? Grrreeeaaaat!

She doesn't remember the nanny we had for the first 2 years of her life and then the next year for her brother. She doesn't remember the last trip to the zoo. She doesn't remember having adenoid surgery and the wonderful care we gave her after. The girl can't even remember if she brushed her teeth 10 minutes later!

But she does remember the one time I got pulled over for going a little too fast (though at a completely safe speed) trying to get her to school on time.

This week's question of the week is:
What does your kid(s) remember that you wish he/she/they would just forget?

It's often the bad words they remember, or the thing you said that you don't want them to repeat, isn't it? I'm just hoping that she is also remember all the wonderful things I do that show what a good, upstanding citizen I am. Not the time I cursed or got in trouble with the law!

How about your kid? Does she remember the time you flipped out when she pushed the boundaries too far? Does he remember the time you forgot to bring something he needed for school? Do they seem to forget things you think are important but don't let you forget the time you made a mistake? What do you wish your kid would just forget already?

Work/Life Unbalance

Well. Work just took over my life for a little while there. I mean took over!

For those of you familiar with software development, we were in the final stage of a major release. For those not familiar, software development tends to be cyclical, and at the end of a release cycle, things get insanely busy. That's when everything has to be tested completely, all bugs fixed and retested, all the help completed, all the code finalized and packaged and ready to be deployed. It's hectic. Some releases more than others. This one was a crazy one.

I almost sent out an SOS for chocolate and more software testers! (I wonder what SOS is in binary...)

Before kids, the craziness of the final phases of the release and release weekends was not as big a deal. Sure, I'd miss Londo when I'd work really long hours. Yes, I had to drop activities and housework. Of course I missed snuggling with my dog and cat. But it doesn't last long, and I can make up my time with everything else after the release goes out.

Since having kids, this time period of the software development life cycle is really difficult. Londo has to take on all the things I let go, from housework to dropping off kids. For a few days in a row, I had really long days in the office, barely seeing the kids in the morning and getting home after the kids were in bed. I wasn't able to keep up with the dishes or laundry or cleaning the kitty litter boxes. It was just crazy.

As hard as this can be on Londo, it's even harder on the kids. The Pumpkin handles it okay. She acts out a little for Londo, and she's still adjusting going back to school. I think the area where I see it the most is her interactions with me. I'm having trouble explaining exactly what it is, and maybe it'd be going on anyway, but I feel like I'm getting a LOT of boundary pushing from her. What I really dropped the ball on though is the school stuff and her activities. I missed a deadline to sign her up for an activity I know she wants to take, but I talked with the teacher and they can let her in. Whew.

The Pookie, who is a total mama's boy, has really been missing me. I knew that he was fussy at home with Londo. And in the mornings when I would see him, he was totally clingy to me, not even eating breakfast unless he was in my lap. But I talked to two of his teachers (one yesterday afternoon when I picked him up and the other this morning when I dropped him off), and they both immediately said that he'd been really clingy at school. They wanted to make sure everything was okay. When I explained that I hadn't been able to be around much because of work, they both said that made sense and explained why he was so clingy. I assured them that the busy period was over and told them about how we spent all weekend together*. They both said that he'd been a lot better yesterday and that explained that also.

I truly believe in having a balanced work/life balance. But sometimes things don't work out in an even or fair way. Sometimes, work takes over. Or when I was out with knee surgery, life takes over. It's not just for my sanity that I can't be a workaholic and work crazy hours like that regularly at this point in my life. My kids need me to be Mom, too.

And now, I can get back to my normal balancing act, with a few fun things thrown in for me, too. Like blogging.

Some (of Many) Parenting Difference and Child Order

There is no question in my mind that child order plays a part in the whole nurture part of the nature/nuture equation. For the record, I'm a true believe in BOTH nature and nuture playing significant roles in childrens' personalities, temperment, behavoir and all that.

Since having the Pookie, I've been noticing some major differences in the ways I have taught things my first born and my second born. I would like to say I'm simply catering to the different ways that my children learn, but that's not it. It is definitely more a matter of child order and the fact that parenting two children is just different than parenting one. I am certain that parenting three or four or more would also be very different from parenting two.

For example, with the Pumpkin I would often ask her to recite things like numbers, the alphabet, words in other languages, animal noises, shapes, colors, etc. I would ask her all the time, and she loved to list the things she knew and answer any questions I asked her (well, on a good day when she wasn't being contrary).

Her nature has always been that she need interaction and attention, especially from adults, and she has always been very verbally advanced. Since her birth order was first born, we were able to give her a lot of the attention she wanted and she had my husband and me to converse with to advance verbal skills. And in order to entertain myself, I would teach her the names and sounds for everything (and I believe my husband did similar).

With the Pookie as a wonderful addition to our family, there is a lot more juggling and chaos in our household. I realized that I don't focus on him in the same way I did with the Pumpkin. I don't naturally sit there and teach him lists of things or quiz him on shapes and colors. I have to really think about teaching and asking him to name things.

His nature is such that he's more content to sit and entertain himself, and he's always thrived with fine motor skills over verbal skills. As the second born, he has his older sister to follow around and learn from, while Londo and I don't have as much time to focus on only him. This is definitely a different dynamic than we had with only one child in the house.

So though there's probably some nature involve, I have definitely nurtured my children's learning in different ways. Sometimes I worry about it, feel a little twinge of that mommy guilt. But mostly, I try to focus on the fact that the Pookie has three people to learn from in the house, and that he's picking up a lot of different skills from all of us. He also learns some things from his sister (who is two years older) that she didn't have the opportunity to learn at his age.

A good example of that is that the Pookie learned how to play pretend really young. I remember when he was just starting to interact with his sister, just starting to sit up and hold things, and she was very into using the play kitchen and pretending to make, serve and eat pretend food. At first, that baby boy looked so confused when she offered him a handful of nothing to eat, but he quickly caught on and pretended to munch on everything she handed him.

Instead of feeling guilty, I am going to keep focusing on the social interaction he gets from his sister and the fact that they are both able to learn a lot from each other. He'll get his share of learning lists and getting quizzed on what he's learned through his school career in the many years to come.

Learning to Love the Beach

I love the beach. I mean, I LOVE the beach. It's my happy place, it's where I feel recharged, it's where I go in my head to escape where I am. (For example, when I was lying on a surgery table after 16 hours of labor, body shuddering and constantly dry-heaving, worried as heck about my baby who was not coming out, I turned to my husband and said, "I'm going to the beach." And I did. And then my little girl was born!)

I love everything about the beach. The endless expanse of ocean, the rhythmic crashing of the waves, the hot sun blazing down, the soft sand shifting beneath me. I enjoy lying down reading a book while I bake, sitting up under an umbrella watching the kids and people around me, standing in the surf while the waves come and go, and walking out into the water to dive through the waves just as they crest. I love it all.

I am a Beach Girl.

My kids, however, I'm not so sure about... yet. I'm pretty confident that I can turn them into Beach Kids, but it turns out it's not an instant thing. Good thing my parent now have a beach house less than 3 hours away, and good thing we are going to be a Family That Travels! Because I am working on it as much as I can.

Not last weekend, but the two weekends before that, I took the kids to my parents' beach house. The first weekend we went, I drove myself and the kids down to the beach house, where my parents and my brother's family were already vacationing. The second weekend, I went with my mom, my kids and my 5-year-old niece. Both times were good times, with fun dynamics. I mean, how cool is it to go on vacations with cousins who are close to you in age? I got to do that every summer at my grandparent's house in Cape Cod with my two cousins from my mom's side. It was always such a great experience. And now I can pass that on to my kids as well.

But back to the issue at hand. The kids and the beach.

We went last year, but the Pookie was too little to really have an opinion. He enjoyed digging in the sand and tried to eat handfuls of sand. The Pumpkin had been in previous years, and she was excited about it. But then we had a little incident where she got swept off her feet by a wave. Even though I immediately had her up and on her feet, it scared her and gave her a healthy respect for the ocean.

I don't know if she remembered that incident on some level of her consciousness or if she is just at an age where things are scarier than they were before. But either way, she was very scared of the water and waves this year. She clung to my hand or ran from the water the whole time we were at the beach that first weekend. She sat just at the edge of where the waves could reach and built a wall (out of sand, which didn't really last as long as she had hoped). I didn't want her to feel and think that she was "scared" of the water, so I gave her the words, "I'm a little nervous about the water" which was super cute to hear her say to other people.

At first, my son seemed excited about the water. He enjoyed getting his feet wet and feeling the sand. I sat him down with his sister to play in the wet sand and build the wall together. These kids of mine spend their entire outdoor playtime at school in the sandbox, so I knew they would love to sit and dig in the sand. And they were really enjoying themselves.

Then a big wave came all the way up to where they were sitting. I had my back to the water, so I didn't realize it and didn't give the kids a warning. It surged over the Pookie unexpectedly. It surprised him and was uncomfortable for his to suddenly have sand and cool water all over his legs, while he was simply sitting in the sand playing. Meanwhile, his sister jumped up, shrieking, and ran back a bit higher in the sand.

I laughed and said "whooa," and he was starting to settle down. But then it happened again. And that was it for him. He was UPSET! I picked him up and helped him back to our umbrella and chairs way back on the beach. He did NOT want to be by the water. He insisted, "No wawa! No wawa!" He didn't even want ME by the water. For the rest of the day.

We hung out back on the beach, out of view of the surf. My parents and brother watched and played with my daughter and her cousins. Then my brother, dad and the cousins went back to the beach house, while my mom and I stayed with my kids.

It was at that point, I was no longer willing to sit so far away from the water (practically out in the dunes!) and out of view of my daughter playing. I also wanted to help my boy get used to the being around the ocean, since my plan is to go to the beach house as much as possible (see above about me being a Beach Girl).

I moved my chair, the toys, our other stuff and my self down to where my mom and daughter were, encouraging my son the whole time to come. He came most of the way, then flipped out about him and me being closer to the water. My mom went back with him to where our stuff had been, and I sat down with my daughter to build a wall.

The tide had gone out a bit, and the beach was less crowded. I could see the Pookie, and he was upset about me being closer to the water, but he was more unhappy being away from me and having no toys back where our stuff had been. He soon came with my mom back to where the Pumpkin and I were playing.

He started getting upset again, but I quickly moved into distraction mode, as well as adamantly telling him I wasn't moving and that the water was not where we were. Plus, I got his sister to start playing with him.

Before I knew it, we were all happy. I had a great view of the ocean, the kids were playing in the sand, and my mom was able to sit down and relax. In one day, we'd come a long way. And even both kids even dipped their feet in the water right before we left, as the four of us all held hands, standing in the surf. It was lovely.

The next morning at the beach went more smoothly. I knew to set up closer to the water from the get-go, I made sure both kids were comfortable with their location (the Pookie started getting upset, but he was quickly mollified). We had a lovely time.

Plus, did I mention the airplanes? The Pookie LOVES airplanes (and any vehicle, or go-go), and he pointed out every. single. one that flew over the beach with advertisements. To everyone around. It was really cute. And we saw boats and seagulls and even dolphins! Both kids loved seeing those things and pointing them out. You know, like Beach Kids do.

The next weekend went even better! From the first hour at the beach, they were playing in the surf with their cousin. They stood their holding my and my mom's hands. Then they wanted to stand on their own more and more.

My daughter ran up and down the slope to the beach, chasing and running from the waves in a fun game. She stood "strong" in the water with her cousin, pretending their feet were on surf boards. My mom lifted them (one at a time) to jump over the edges of the waves as the water came up the beach. She jumped in the water and stood still so her feet would get covered in sand, depending on her mood and current game.

My son wanted to do what the girls were doing. He played and jumped and stood still and wanted me to let go of his hand before long (which was okay for little bits of time, but the waves and riptides at this beach are unpredictable, so I mostly held on to him or at least stood right next to him). At one point, he even said, "mo wawa!" A big change from the previous weekend! So I picked him up and carried him till I was waist deep in the water, with waves surging up higher. I even had to sheild his head with my body when one wave crashed right on our heads! That was as I was just walking us back out of the water. He started to look upset about that one, but I think he didn't because he saw I was laughing and having so much fun!

They are well on their way to becoming Beach Kids now! I feel like I got them both over the initial humps we encountered. I do want them to understand and be slightly wary of the power of the ocean. It's important to know what riptides can do, and why it's important to stay with an adult. We really did have a few scary-ish moments when a strong riptide came out of a seemingly small wave and start to pull the kids with it. They are still small, and the ocean is strong and vast. Luckily, my mom and I and the other adults in my family know and understand what needs to be done to keep them safe, without ruining the enjoyment of the beach.

Because, you know, we're a Beach Family!

When You've Had a Runner

Last weekend, my daughter and I had a girls road trip! We went up to visit a friend of mine (MommyEm) about 4 hours away (with no stops, traffic or GPS giving bad directions--in other words way longer than a 4 hour drive). Her oldest is 4, just 3 months older than the Pumpkin, and her youngest is 1. We had a really great visit, and the girls got along pretty well, after a transition and warm-up period.

Most importantly, I had a great time hanging out with one of my best friends.

We spent a lot of time talking about our kids, who have some similar "spirited" traits. But they also have some very key differences. As do our parenting styles. But we support each other and don't judge each other. We know that kids can be difficult, and parenting is hard. Most importantly, there are a million "right" ways to do things, both as a child and a parent.

There were a few things that we had different limits about that got me thinking. Specifically, there are three times I'm thinking of:

1. When the girls were running around outside playing tag with another girl and my daughter went running off, I told her to freeze and come back. I hadn't been outside the whole time, so I checked in with my friend. She said that she lets the girls run all the way up to a spot that was WAY out of my comfort zone. So we modified it so that the girls stayed closer.

2. When we were walking from the car to the pool (where we had a fantastic time!), I told my girl not to run on the sidewalk. When we were leaving, I had no problem let the Pumpkin run down the grassy hill, which ended in a flat green area.

3. When going to and from the car in any parking lot, as well as crossing all streets, the rule is that the Pumpkin has to hold an adult's hand. (Although I do let the Pumpkin hold only the Pookie's hand as long as I'm holding the Pookie's other hand and I'm sure she won't let go of his hand.) Even going from a curb to the car door when there is no chance that the car next to us is going to move.

For one of these (or maybe more, I can't exactly recall), my friend asked why I was or wasn't okay with what was happening. I tried to figure it out, but what I said didn't feel right. I don't even remember what it was. But it certainly got me thinking.

But as I insisted on holding my 4 year old's hand the few feet to her car door, I realized what the difference probably was*. I turned to my friend and asked her, "Was your daughter a runner?"

My friend said that she wasn't. Her daughter would never have run off or into anything that might be dangerous.

My daughter meanwhile? Well, just image what a toddler with advanced gross motor skills, no sense of danger and who loved to run would be like. My daughter? She was a Runner. Before you could blink, she would be running straight for a street, a steep hill or whichever way you didn't want her to go.

I told my friend the story of when I was really pregnant with the Pookie one Easter and Londo got sick and couldn't go with us on the egg hunt in my parents' yard. As we walked outside, I enlisted my brother in law's help to chase after her when (not if) she started running off. Sure enough, we were in the un-fenced part of the yard for under a minute when she started running off. She's was a Runner.

Because she loves to run so much, I have created room for her to run, within limits. After the Pookie was born, I would let her run as I was getting all my stuff (and the Pookie when he started daycare) into the car. I gave her limits on where she could run to, when she could start (no cars could be moving anywhere on our street) and when she had to stop (if I say "freeze" she has to stop right away). For the first week or so, I ran with her, and then I watched her like a hawk, and finally relaxed a bit when I was sure she would stay within the boundaries I gave her.

But there are still too many scenarios that are just too dangerous in case she randomly bolts. And I have memories of a couple times when I nearly had a heart attack because she ran in an unsafe situation. So I will likely continue holding her hand on any asphalt, and I will still put careful limits on where she can run around, and I will worry about her running too close to the street.

Having had a runner, I have been irrevocably changed. It has become ingrained to worry about my child near a road or in a store or near a steep hill with a busy road at the bottom. I'm not sure those who haven't had runners will fully understand, and they might wonder why I still hold my child's hand crossing a deserted street. They might wonder why I yell "freeze" when my child is just playing tag with friends. Some might think I'm over-protective or a helicopter parent. (Again, this does not reflect my friend, just thoughts I've had over the years.)

But if you ever had the constant fear that your child might run off into a busy street with no warning, so fast you weren't sure you could catch them in time, and with so little thought about serious consequences... well, you probably are still holding your kids' hands, too.

*To be honest, I have no idea of other 4 year olds have to hold their parents' hands whenever they are on asphalt. I didn't pay attention to whether or not my friend had the same rule with her 4 year old. But I'm pretty sure I've seen other 4 year olds at my kids' school go in and out of cars and even cross the street without holding an adult's hand.

Question of the Week - Teaching by Example

This morning was I was on my own with the kids for the first morning since having knee surgery. Londo did get the Pookie out of his crib and watched him until he had to leave for work, letting me (and the Pumpkin who was in bed with me, of course) sleep as long as possible. Which was very helpful, considering I stayed up way to late last night because someone was wrong on the internet! (Love that pic, and thanks to @Cloud for linking to it in one of her posts.)

But I did stay up too late, and I was sore from the previous day, which was my first day back in the office including driving myself around. I was trying not to be grumpy, but I was. I snapped at my daughter and started walking away over her dillydallying instead of getting ready. After about three steps (hobbles with cane!) down the hallway, I realized I wasn't reacting well. So I took a deep breath, and said out loud so my daughter could hear, "I shouldn't have yelled. That wasn't right. I shouldn't lose my patience like that. I need to try that again."

I walked back into the bathroom and explained to my girl that it was hard for me to stand so long while she was flopping around, that my knee was very sore, that I was grumpy and I lost my patience. Playfully, I said, "I need to find more patience. Where do you think some might be?" And she laughing said there was some over there, pointing to the other side of the bathroom.

I went over and got some "patience." Then I told her I wanted us both to try again. I said that I was going to keep my patience and I needed her to focus on getting ready. Then she added, "And you shouldn't yell because it makes me sad." I told her I would do my best, and that I needed her to do her best.

Next thing you know, she's ready for the day in cute pigtails, the Pookie was already in a cute t-shirt with cars, and I was ready to drop them off at school and go to my first physical therapy appointment.

I tell that part of the morning to point out the way I talk things out loud in front of my daughter. Things I want her to learn and understand and also imitate when she is feeling the same way. This is a huge part of the way I parent. And I know it helps, because she adds things like the fact that I shouldn't yell, and she does try again with me, and we generally do better when I use this parenting tactic.

As the kiddos ate breakfast, I got some last minute things. I was finally ready to start thinking about leaving the house and making sure I had everything I needed for my physical therapy appointment. Then, I thought about the time.

THE TIME! Oh, man!

Normally, I usher the kids to the front hall and the "getting ready" chairs at 8:30 so we can be in the car and leaving by 8:45 to get to their school at about 9:00. BUT this morning, my physical therapy was at 9:00. I made that appointment before I knew that Londo couldn't do drop off that day and that my mom was out of town. I had to do the morning, do the drop off and still make my 9:00 appointment, which meant I had to have kids in the car BY 8:30!

And of course, it was already 8:30. And everything was taking me slightly longer than usually because limping with a cane is slower than walking with two working legs. I started to freak out, making it very clear to the kids that I was very frustrated that I hadn't accounted for the time correctly and that I wasn't mad at them. But I was freaking out. The kids? They were awesome. They hurried, put up only a little fuss about shoes and sun block, and generally were helpful and focused. But even with that, it was 8:48 by the time I got them in the car and backed out my driveway.

I was so upset. I started crying a little bit from the stress and frustration. And do you know what my daughter said? She said, "It's okay, Mommy. You just need to calm down a bit. Try taking some deep breathes, like this... in and out, in and out." I listened to her and did what she said. Darned if she wasn't right! I DID feel better!

I thanked her, told her I did feel better and then asked for no talking for a minute while I finished calming down. I handed them the rest of their toast that they didn't have time to finish in the rush out the door. And then I was able to think and figure out what to do. I called the place, told them I would be late to the appointment, and they said it was no problem. And I felt a TON better.

I thanked my daughter and told her that because she helped me calm down, I was able to "think think think" and figure out what I needed to do, which was call the place, and they said it was no problem that I was going to be late!

This week's question of the week is:
What have you seen/heard your kid(s) do/say that reflects something you've been teaching them by example?

Unfortunately, it's not always good things we teach them by example. Nor do they always use the lessons correctly.

My son has been saying, "I mad!" all the freaking time lately. He's not always really mad, but he likes to say it. The reason we taught him this was so he'd learn the words to say he was mad and stop his foot to show how mad instead of the hitting and pushing and biting he was starting to do. So even though it was a good lesson that the Pumpkin and I showed him how to express his anger, he's now doing it just to get a reaction out of us. But, you know, he's Two.

How about your kid(s)? Have you shown them how to do something? Have you expressed your words hoping they will do the same? Does it work for you? Or are they repeating your curse words instead of the good job praises?

Just Say Yes, Of Course

The Pumpkin has been in a phase where instead of saying "yes" she answers "of course." Like most phases, it started out cute, but has become a problem.

At first, she just said it ocassionally. "Pumpkin, can I have a kiss?" "Of course!" It was adorable, and we would laugh. The girl loves to make people laugh. She said it in response to sweet questions, and we found it adorable.

But then she started saying it more, and it was a little frustrated. "Pumpkin, do you want milk?" "Of course!" She didn't say it all the time, but just enough to cause Londo and I to sigh. How would we know if she wanted milk? There was no "of course" about it.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next. She started saying it all the time. So much, that it has started driving us crazy. "Pumpin, are you going to do what I've been telling you to do?" "Of course!" Now, she was using it in ways that were in way "of courses." Things she was ignoring until we practically had to force her to do or answer, and we'd get "Of course!"

Finally, one day I'd had it. I responded back that it was not "of course." That "of course" was for when the answer was pretty much known, and that I had no idea that she had heard me and was going to do what I told her or that I didn't know for sure that she wanted milk. I old her that instead of answering "of course" that she should just say "yes."

She seemed to get it. And the next few times she said of course, I said, "Not of course. Just yes." And she'd say, "Oh, right. Yes." And after a few times of that, she stopped herself from saying of course and said yes instead. I noted it and praised her for remembering.

There has been a noticable difference in the last couple weeks. She really has cut way back on "of course" and mostly just answers "yes." This is how I know we are in one of those equilabrium stages, because she is making the adjust quickly, easily and without big arguments or meltdowns.

So let's hear it for the ability to modify behavoir at age 4! She listened to what I wanted, paid attention to why I wanted it, and has worked very hard to stop doing it. Do you think I can translate this ability to other areas of behavoir? Of course I'm gonna try!

Four Year Old World of Extremes

I don't know if it's a phase or the age or her personality or something she is picking up from those around her (like her parents), but lately the Pumpkin has living in extremes. It's not just the "ever"s or "never"s she is constantly saying, but it is also often about who is the "best" or "most" or "better" or "faster" or... well, you get the point.

I mostly just let it go. I know she doesn't mean it when I give her a hug or kiss I didn't know she didn't want and she says she is never going to hug or kiss me ever again. Or when we insist she cleans up her toys or brushes her teeth and she says she is never going to do it again. Or even when her brother does something she didn't want him to do and she says she's never going to play with him again.

It's the heat of the moment. It's her feeling her emotions to the fullest. It's her lashing out. At least it's not her hitting or pushing. She is using her words... but words can hurt and I know we will need to address it when she can understand a little better how those words hurt and when she has the control to not just lash out. In other words, when she's a little older... like 30... or maybe 40. I'll let you know when I've figured it out myself. Heh.

I do get a wee bit frustrated when she is so competitive about things. She has to "win" at everything, from finishing her food before her brother to going up the stairs to building a tower with blocks, she wants to beat him. While I think this is probably a normal phase for her age, I want her to know NOW that it's okay not to win, and that not everything needs to be a competition.

Just this morning, she finished her toast first and said she won. I said (as I have many times before) that it's not a race. You eat what you are hungry for until you are full. You don't need to eat it fast, and that it's better to take your time so you digest better. I have a feeling that I will have to continue making these statements for a while.

A little healthy competition is good. My husband has good results getting the kids to do some things by making it a race or seeing who can do it fastest. But when it's about everything and it's all about winning, I worry about it. I want her to have fun playing and doing things. I want her to encourage her brother and others with supportive comments. I want her to want to win in competions, but not be crushed if she loses. Most importantly, I want her to learn to be a good sport no matter if she wins or loses.

It doesn't have to be the tallest tower. She doesn't have to be the fastest up the stairs, especially when we are trying to be calm on our way to bed. She doesn't have to finish her food first. She doesn't have to say she'll never hug me again. It doesn't have to be all about the extremes.

We've been watching the Cars movie (SPOILER WARNING: I'm going to talk about the end of the movie and who won the final race!!!), and yesterday when it was near the end and they were doing the final race, she said that Lightning McQueen and the King won. And Londo and I explained to her that they didn't win. Chick won. Lightning went back to help his friend, The King. We explained that it was more important to him to help his friend than it was to win the race. That was the lesson that Lightning learned. This was just after we had talked about the things he learned from his friends that he used in the race.

She was quiet for a minute, watching the movie. Then she said, "Lightning learned two things from his friends. He learned to go backwards from Tow Mater. And he learned to turn from Doc." Londo said, "Yes, he learned those two things about driving for the race. But he also learned a third thing." I said, "He also learned that it's more important to help his friend than to win the race." Even though we had just said this, it felt important to repeat it.

These are the lessons we will work on. Right now, she is living in extremes. I've always said that the Pumpkin feels her emotions to the fullest. If she is happy, she is giddy with happiness. If she is sad, she is devestated. If she is angry, she is furious. She is my girl with the curl right in the middle of her forhead. I feel emotions like that at times as well. I understand getting overwhelmed and needing to express what I'm feeling. But I also understand how it can feel to be on the receiving end of those emotions, and how important it can be to temper them or find an appropriate outlet.

So we will keep talking about it. We will keep expressing the importance of being a good sport. We will work on teaching how words can hurt and how to express ourselves in ways that are not hurtful to others. And I think we'll be watching the Cars movie a few more times and discussing the lessons we can learn from that.

And maybe the world of extremes will continue. There are worse things that can happen. Hopefully she learns ways to express those extremes that aren't quite so, well, extreme. Time will tell.

More than Muffins for Mom

We had been talking about Mother’s Day all week, not just because I was excited that this would be my first Mother’s Day when my daughter actually got it. But also because they’d been talking about it at school and making their mothers a present and preparing for Muffins for Moms Day.

At the previous pre-school my daughter attended, Muffins for Moms was really just a bunch of muffins set out on a table in the front hall, where moms grabbed a muffin on their way out the door after dropping off the kids. Sure, it was nice to get a muffin, but that was all it was.

I didn’t expect a whole lot more at this school, But the Pumpkin talked about Muffins for Moms at her school with me a few times, and I told her I was definitely coming.

Friday morning, the Pumpkin started to throw a fit over nothing. It was because I turned on the lights to the kids’ bathroom. Literally, that’s all I did, and she started throwing a tantrum. Ah, The Fours.

So I said to her, “Isn’t today Muffins for Moms day? I think you should be really nice to me all day!”

And do you know what she said?

She said, “Oh, you’re right! Well, I’m sorry I was crying. It was just an accident. I was just upset because I wanted to use your bathroom, not mine. But I should have just told you that!”

I was floored, but I didn’t let it show. I mean, a complete 180 from crying and yelling angrily to a sheepish apology (even if she still doesn’t quite understand what “accident” means)! But I just smiled and said it was okay, and we moved on to her washing up in my bathroom. And yes, I totally reminded her a few other times that morning when she was starting to get an attitude. Every day should be Muffins for Mom day!

But the best part was once when we got to the kids’ school. The Pumpkin and I dropped the Pookie of at his room, and then I took her to her room. When we got there and hung up her things, her teacher explained to me that I should find a seat and the Pumpkin was going to wash her hands and bring me a muffin.

Sure enough, she served me a muffin and then a drink and napkin! She then got herself some fruit (we don’t chance muffins not made in our own peanut-free kitchen) and sat with me. We enjoyed a yummy breakfast together, sitting in her classroom, talking about her schoolmates and the “work” she likes to do (the activities in the Montessori school are called work).

Next, I went to the Pookie’s room. His face light up when I went in! We sat down together and had mini-muffins. Though his teachers served us muffins and juice, he kept going back for more mini-muffins for him and me. That boy sure likes to eat, especially when someone is sitting with him. After we had a few, it was time for his class’s music class, and I got to sit in on it and sing some songs with him. It was super cute a lot of fun.

Then I went back to the Pumpkin’s room because I promised her I would sit with her while she did some work. She was doing a Practical Life activity, which was neat to see. She has such an imagination that she wasn’t just opening and closing different boxes and jars, but she was feeding a mommy and baby spider in those boxes with the spider food in the jars. This girl of mine is so creative!

Unfortunately, she did NOT want me to leave. She clung and cried, but I had to go in for a meeting so I couldn’t stay any longer. It had already been a while. She just enjoyed having me there so much, she was really upset when I left. And that’s why the school doesn’t let parents stay every day. I totally get it. My son was starting to get upset when I left his room too, but his teachers were able to distract him with the music class.

For all you other pre-schools out there, THIS is how you do Muffins for Mom day! I got to spend time with my kids, got served breakfast by my daughter (and she cleaned up after us!), got to see and be part of what they do at school. Not to mention, I got to totally extend Mother’s Day and it’s required nice behavior to mom to Friday, too!

Question of the Week - Signs of a Regression

Because my daughter goes through those periods of disequilibrium on a quarterly basis (instead of the half-year basis it says in all the books), sometimes it feels like we are constantly dealing with developmental regressions. Which is, of course, frustrating. It can feel like every time we see progress, we back slide in development.

I know this isn't true, though. Not all progress is lost. Not by a long shot. I would say it's actually 3 or 4 steps forward, 1 step back. (Maybe sometimes it's 2 steps back.) And what's really neat about the quarterly developmental cycles is that we get to see the Pumpkin make developmental progress earlier than most her age.

But since we got through these regressions a lot, and now with two kids, we are getting really good at knowing the signs.

The Pumpkin's top 10 signs that she's going through a developmental regression are:
10. She wants help with things she used to want to do herself, like washing her hands.
9. She insists she can't do something she could before and needs us to do it for her, like putting on her shoes.
8. She says she's "scared" of things that she hasn't mentioned in a while, like dark rooms or "biting snakes" and sharks in her room.
7. She goes through a phase of separation anxiety, from school drop-offs to needing us to wait for her so we can go downstairs together.
6. Her ability to concentrate goes out the window, and she flits from one thing to another without putting anything away.
5. Any impulse control she had developed is pretty much gone, with her grabbing things from the counter and doing things she shouldn't like pushing her brother which totally drive us crazy.
4. She has difficulty "listening to her body" when she is hungry or thirsty or has to go potty, resulting in some meltdowns and pee pee in her underpants.
3. She has potty regressions, including emptying her bladder at 3:00 AM in our bed while she slept like a rock through it--until we finally were able to wake her up and she and I had a middle-of-the-night shower while Londo did middle-of-the-night laundry and bed change.
2. There are unreasonable, unforeseen tantrums and meltdowns over things that normally wouldn't be a big deal, like not wanting to wear jeans or even pants even though it's cold outside.

And the number 1 sign that my daughter is going through a developmental regression...

...

...

1. Trouble Sleeping! (Even more than usual, that is.) It all just gets worse than usual, from not being settling down prior to bed, to a long time falling asleep, to being wide awake in the middle of the night or really early in the wee hours of the morning.

Yes, I'm sure you all guessed it. It's pretty obvious. The good news is that it shouldn't last much longer, and at least she is somewhat more able to reason and think things through than she was for any of the previous regressions.

Here's an example of that: When she peed in our bed at 3:00 AM and was so hard to wake, I thought for sure that she would flip out when she finally woke up and I took her into the shower. I thought there would for sure be one of those middle-of-the-night crazy tantrums that we used to go through, especially trying to get her to shower. But no, once she woke up and we explained what happened, I whisked her into the bathroom without her making even a peep. I hurriedly got us both undressed and started warming up the shower.

As I started to usher her into the shower, she balked for a second. Oh, no. Here we go, I thought. But you'll never guess what she did: She reached over for some bath toys and then got in the shower with them and me. No complaining, not upset at all. We even had a fun and quick shower. When we got out and she went to brush her teeth, I had to explain that it was still the middle of the night and we needed to go back to sleep. And she said, "Oh, right." And we did.

So this week's Question of the Week is:
What are the signs your kid(s) displays when they are going through a regression?

My son is still so young (21 months) that his signs are pretty average for toddlers, I think. He needs more help falling asleep. He wakes up in the night, usually just once a night for a few nights in a row. He gets extra clingy to me. He gets extra fussy, especially at the Witching Hour(s) before and after dinner.

What about your kids? Do you get typical signs of clingy-ness and fussiness? Have any fun tantrums or night wakings? Have you figured out any patterns or timing to the regressions? Do share, because I know we all go through it!

Question of the Week - Birthday Party Themes

Well, I didn't mean to disappear for a week. Sorry about that. Work is just crazy busy right now. In the little spare time I had from work, kids and sleep, I spent reading books.

Between the two books for my two book clubs this month, I tried to slip in another book. I wanted it to be one I'd already bought, heard good things about and had been waiting to read. My mistake was trying to slip in book 1 of a trilogy. I loved The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins, so much that I immediately had to read the next two books (Catching Fire and Mockingjay)! Though I read them fast, I still had to finish my next book club book, which was another amazing book called The Forgotten Garden, by Kate Morton.

So basically I've spent every spare second with my nose glued to my Nook. (I love my Nook!)

The biggest problem I'm now having isn't even catching up on all the wonderful blogs I read or even writing down the millions of things I want to post about. It's planning my daughter's 4th birthday party.

In a little less than 2 weeks, we will be having her birthday party at our house. It will be a family party, so no huge event planning is needed. But we have had the hardest time coming up with a theme. Last year, we did an Arts and Crafts Party, and it was really awesome. I want to come up with something as fun and cool as that. I think I finally might have a good one, but I need to run it by Londo before announcing.

So I've spent a lot of time lately thinking back to the party themes I had for my birthdays growing up. Which brings us to this week's Question of the Week:

What were some of the best themes you had for your birthday parties growing up?

I have a July birthday, so I had a pool party at least one year. I also had a roller skating party. One year my brother and sister took a clown class and came to my party as clowns, which was so fun. But I think my favorite theme was a costume party, which I did for at least two birthdays. (Is it any surprise that I love throwing Halloween parties?)

What about you guys? Weren't parties different back when we were young? What themes did you have at your parties? What was your favorite birthday party?

Oh, The Drama!

A few weeks ago, the Pumpkin's school sent home a flier for the after-school classes they were going to offer. I'd just been thinking about signing her up for some classes, but timing is such an issue with Londo and I working full time outside the house. So classes right there at her school while she is there for after-hours care anyway? Sign us up!

There were two classes available for her age, Art Class and Drama Class. At the moment, we are (still) totally strapped for moolah, so we could only sign her up for one class at her school (I had already told her I would sign her up for dance classes, and that's outside of her school). I believe both Londo and I were ready to just sign her up for the Art Class, knowing how much she always has loved art. But I had the thought that we should offer her both and let her pick.

I told her that her school was offering Art Class or Drama Class, and she could pick one. She asked what drama was, and when I explained that it was pretend play where you could pretend to be other people and dress up and sometimes sign and dance... well it was like rainbows and unicorns and roses were falling into her lap!

With a voice full of excitment and wonder, she immediately said, "Drama!"

I responded, "Really? You want to take Drama and not Art?"

"Yes," she said, emphatically. "Drama!"

Even though it seems like an obvious fit for her now, at the time Londo and I both had really assumed she'd want to do art. So we were surprised. Not just at her answer, but her assuredness in her answer about this new thing. And she was sure. Londo doubled checked next, and she held strong with her answer of "Drama!" I asked one more time before we filled in the paperwork and wrote the check. "Drama!"

Once we thought about it, it made so much sense. The Pumpkin is highly energetic, loves to be the center of attention, and is very dramatic in pretty much everything she does. The girl is a Drama Girl. She enjoys dressing up, and she especially loves playing pretend. She has an incredible imagination, and she is really good at making up scenarios with imaginary friends from TV shows (we've had Dora, Boots and Benny over for tea many times, and lately the Animal Mechanicals Rex and Sasquatch have been playing with us). She loves to sing and dance. And watch out if you give that girl a microphone!

She had the first Drama Class last Friday, and she said it was lots of fun. They apparently ran around in a circle a lot doing different movements. She said they galloped, and I'm guessing they pretended to be a horse or something like that. One class in, and she's loving it.

Coincidentally, my sister's daughter's 5th birthday party last Saturday was at the local theater watching a children's play. It was an hour long musical called Click Clack Moo, based on the children's book of the same name. Although the Pumpkin was a bit upset when I explained that we would just be sitting in the audience, not actually doing the drama, she was still excited to go.

She sat through the whole thing fascinated. I was quite impressed that through the show she didn't fidget much, didn't get up at all, didn't really talk, laughed at the funny parts, and really followed what was going on. It was a lot of fun to be able to go to the theater with her and watch a play together. I feel like a whole new world is opening up to us for fun things to do together.

And in the spring? She will be part of the play that her Drama Class is going to put on! I keep imagining the fun we will have going to plays with our Drama Girl!

Question of the Week - Next Level of Shows

Before I talk about the Pumpkin's developmental growth more, I want to clarify that reasoning doesn't always work. But I would say that over 50% of the time it does, and those are winning odds in my book!

Something else that has come along with her development spurt are new shows. My girl has always liked certain shows, but gets bored with the same episodes and even same shows after a while. She likes new, different and varieties.

So when she was home sick for two weeks and we watched a lot of TV (because she was too sick to do much else for a lot of that time), she got very bored with the same old shows. She had seen the Dora and Diego episodes that were On Demand way too many times. She was feverish and listless and BORED.

One afternoon, I realized that I had to find her some new shows to spark her interest and keep her entertained while she couldn't run around. It occurred to me that her recent development meant that she was probably ready for some shows at the next level. Remembering that I'd heard good things about the PBS shows, I checked what was playing on that channel.

And welcome to our world, Word Girl!

It's got language and vocabulary! It's got a female a superhero! It's got bad guys and a monkey sidekick! It's got fights (that aren't too violent) and witty humor! It's a win for everyone who has to gets to watch it!

This week's question of the week is:

What shows are your kids watching these days? Or what shows to plan to move to when they are ready for the next level?

We've just traded our nightly routine of Dora and Diego for Super Why and Word Girl. Instead of WonderPets, we watch Animal Mechanicals (on The Hub). Rarely do we watch a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when we could watch Sid the Science Kid.

What about in your house? Do your children become bored with the same old shows? Do they watch shows that you enjoy too? And any good recommendations for my daughter?