Why Girls Wearing Blue Isn't Enough

My husband and I had an interesting discussion last spring about raincoats. Kids raincoats and the gender implications of what is socially acceptable for girls to wear versus boys.

In this discussion, we talked about how my daughter has a dinosaur rain coat. It was a hand-me-down from a family friend whose two boys had outgrown a bag full of clothes, which they gave us for the Pookie. But the clothing, including the really cute dinosaur raincoat, were in sizes 3T and 4T. The perfect size for the Pumpkin, who loved that raincoat the minute she saw it.

The Pumpkin has always liked dinosaurs, which we've encouraged as much as we've encouraged dolls. So there was no issue in either of our minds that we'd let her wear the raincoat and that it would be socially acceptable. In this day and age, it is most people don't think it's a big deal if girls wear blue and dinosaurs and play with cars and trucks and be into most of the same things that boys are.

But what about the Pookie wearing his sister's green raincoat with pink strawberries and a pink lining? That does not yet seem socially acceptable, but why not? And will we, as parents of a young boy, let him wear a girl's raincoat? Will we let him wear pink as he gets older? Will we care if he still likes to play with dolls in front of his friends in a few years?

This is a big feminist issue for me, and has been for a long time. I feel like women have fought hard to come as far as we have with it being acceptable for us to wear blue, play with "boy" toys and run around in the same games and sports as males. But men, especially boys? They don't make pink clothes for boys (although my husband has some really nice pink shirts and ties). It's not socially acceptable for boys to play with dolls as they get older, unless they are "action figures." Older boys aren't generally invited to go to tea parties or have their hair and nails done at a party.

First of all, this is a shame for boys and men, this limiting of them from a young age on. Why is there an issue if boys mimic their moms and their dads in many cases by taking care of a baby doll or cooking in a play kitchen or playing with little dolls in a dollhouse? What if a boy really likes playing dress up and painting his nails and has a fondness for unicorns and pink and purple? Really, what is so wrong with that?

And what is it about the color pink that is so appalling to some men? Why do we call it pink instead of light red, which is all it is. (White added to red is called pink, yet white added to blue is called light blue.) I just don't get it. Nor do I get what makes a color a girl color versus a boy color. I don't believe it's based in anything evolutionary or innate. I think it's more likely due to marketing strategies by clothing companies.

Let's talk a little more about the raincoats, as a true example of how limiting society and marketing is to boys. During our discussion about the raincoats, we went to a website that had the dinosaur raincoat that my daughter wears, and we evaluated the raincoats on the site. This may be the same site that Londo and I looked at, but it was half a year ago and doesn't have exactly the same raincoats. However, it is very similar and has many of the same raincoats, including the same dinosaur one. I'd love for you all to follow along with the little exercise Londo and I did, so click the link and the site will open in a new window.

There are 15 raincoats on that site (when we looked, it had 16). Of those 15, how many do you think would be socially acceptable for a girl to wear? How many do you think would be socially acceptable for a boy to wear? If you walked into a physical store, which do you think (and count how many) do you think would be located in the "boys" side of the store and which (and how many) on the "girls" side?

Even if you subtract those three patterned but obviously girl-shaped ones at the bottom, there are still more than half that most people wouldn't put a boy in. But for girls? I honestly would think that a girl could get away with wearing ALL of them. Some people might not be comfortable putting a girl in the pirate or fireman or maybe even the space hero, but I wouldn't think twice about a girl in those.

But what about the boys? You know that most people would pick only five of those, and only five of those would be found in the boys side of a store. And honestly? I wouldn't have a problem putting my son in all but the bottom three, and then because those have that belted style is feminine, not because the pattern or colors. But if my son loves to dance, why not put him in a raincoat with ballet shoes? Why should he stifle his love for cats or fairies?

Not everyone would put their sons in all the ones I would, but don't you think we could start to stretch the boundaries a little for our boys? The ladybug one surely should be okay, as should that butterfly one. Those are bugs, after all, and boys are supposed to love bugs, right? Or do people pick only the parts of the stereotypes that they want to follow, with certain ones trumping others?

Just as I believe my daughter can do anything she wants and I encourage her interests in all (age-appropriate) areas, I think the same should be for my son. But I know that it's socially not (yet) as acceptable for a boy to do and like all the same things as girls. At a certain age, he and his peers will start being cognizant of what is considered okay and what is not. But how do (general)we change that for our kids?

But limiting our boys is not the only issue.

Let's now think about what all this says about typically "girl" things. Girl things are not good enough for boys. Girl things are simply too girly, therefore lesser and unacceptable. The "girly" things, from colors to toys to sports, are discriminated against.

What does this do to our girls as they grow up? What message are we sending to both sexes?

Women are expected to do it all. We are now expected not just to take care of the majority of the house work and childcare, but often we are expected to work full time too! To break through glass ceilings, we are required to talk and walk like the men around us who are in control of the business world, but we are also expected to still remain lady-like, keep our femininity, be sexy and nice and all that other crap that is lumped onto us.

Funny thing about my rant is, I like to be all those things! I love to wear skirts and makeup and jewelry to work, and still cuss like a sailor when we can't fix the defects in the computer system I work on. I like to talk trash in my fantasy football league, then sign off at the end with "Hugs and kisses!" I love having both worlds open to me.

But I've also felt the sting of sexism in the office. I've also been very aware when the men around me get certain opportunities that I don't get. I've also seen how maternity leave affects my assessment cycles, which are tied to my raises. And I've regularly been expected by some people to be the main person in charge of the grocery shopping and cooking in my house, even though I work as much as my husband. (For the record, he does almost all of the grocery shopping and cooking meals, while I have other household responsibilities like doing the majority of the dishes and bathroom cleaning. And no, that does not make him some wonderful, special man. It makes him my equal partner in our household. And I'm just as appreciative of him and all that he does as he is of me.)

I look at the women in politics or Fortune 500 companies, and I see the expectations for women who rise to the levels that were historically for men and the double standards regularly applied. Yes, women are "allowed" into the man's world. But we are still expected to retain the feminine.

The feminine that is considered lesser. The feminine that a man wouldn't dare wear/play/do. The feminine that is STILL considered lesser by men, because if it wasn't lesser then of course they would want to be able to wear/play/do it, too. And even though some might want it, even though our boys may have a ton of fun having tea parties, playing with princesses, taking a dance class or wearing a kitty cat raincoat, society will eventually either stamp it out of them or cause us parents to limit them so they won't be teased or bullied.

And that, my friends, sucks for everyone. Because it affects everyone. Not just us who are women, but also women's and men's mothers, wives, partners, friends, sisters and daughter.

We do have the opportunity to change this. Those of us with kids, we are raising the next generation. Let's raise them by showing them that girls things are fun and good and NOT lesser. They are just as good for boys as they are for girls. And those without children still are part the society who can either shame parents into following the limiting behaviors with our children or proudly support the changing of this paradigm.

We can change this dis-equilibrium, this discrimination. I hope we will. One raincoat at a time.

Question of the Week - New Passions

I've been thinking about Jac and SarcastiCarrie's comments on my last post. Specifically, I've been thinking about how becoming a parent can bring out things we didn't realize we cared a lot about until we had children. Whether it's realizing we think more about feminist issues after having a girl as opposed to boy or about the institutional sexism of school systems that are geared towards girls over boys or even about high fructose corn syrup in bread, there are topics and areas of, well, life that simply didn't cross our radar until we had kids.

As I said recently, I've always been a feminist. I've even always been a bit of a hippie. But since having kids, I have become passionate about topics that I hadn't even thought about before. I'll bet you have too.

This week's question of the week is:

What have you become passionate about since having kids?

I've become passionate about feminism from a mother's perspective and how sexism will affect my kids. I've become passionate about eating healthy foods, organic foods and cutting down on sugars, artificial dyes and other processed foods. I've become passionate about breastfeeding and supporting breastfeeding. I've become passionate about infertility and the availability of fertility treatments to everyone. And I've become passionate about the Montessori method of teaching and Montessori schools.

It's not that I always rant about these things, or even follow through with the support I want to provide others and myself. But internally, I feel the passion for these things. I may not be able to afford to buy all organic, but I do prioritize some organic foods, especially the foods the kids eat. I may not want to give my son processed chicken tenders with high fructose corn syrup, but since it's all he'll eat most days I do give them to him. I may not be breastfeeding my kids anymore, but I do give a smile of encouragement and support when I see another mother breastfeeding in public. I may not have a lot of time to be involved with my kids' Montessori school, but I do explain the method and why it's been so good for my kids to people around when the topic of my kids' pre-school comes up.

As the kids get older and I start to have more time and money to myself, I do plan to support my new passions more. But even before then, I do feel the passion. And it amazes me that things I feel passionate about I didn't even have a clue about pre-kids.

What about your passions? Have you developed new ones since having kids? Do you feel fired up internally about feminist issues or race issues or the state of the schools today? Do you do anything to support other parents or their kids under the umbrella of your passions? Do you now buy all organic, locally grown foods when you used to live on Hot Pockets? Which new interests have you developed since becoming a parent?

Expanding My Thoughts and Topics

I have been feeling a bit stiffled on my blog lately, and I think it's because I'm not writing some major things I've been thinking about. I'm skipping some serious topics that pertain to my parenting because of some arbitrary distinction I made when I started this blog to stay away from things that might cause arguments or controversy.

But you know what? I'm not in that place anymore. I'm not as sensitive from pregnancy and nursing hormones. I'm not as unable to put together complex thoughts on deeper topics due to sleep deprivation. The focus of my thoughts have expanded outside the limitations of getting babies and toddlers to sleep, eat and poop. Although they certainly include those thoughts, too!

I'm a feminist, and I would argue that most people I know are to some degree as well. Do you think that a woman should be paid the same amount as a man doing the same work? Do you know that your daughter can be anything she wants to be when she grows up? Do you believe that women should have the same rights as men? I would say that most of the women and men I know would agree to all those. And that, my friends, makes them feminists. Your degree of feminism may vary from mine, but if we want our daughters and sons to be raised in a fair world where they can both be whatever they want to be, then be scared to say we are feminists!

So why don't I speak about feminist topics on my blog? I believe very strongly in raising my children with a firm foundation of feminism, as does my husband. Why don't I talk about issues of race or religion? These are also topics that I feel strongly about but rarely even talk about them offline. What good does that do anyone?

Keeping the thoughts and ideas we have in our heads means they stay in our heads. If we don't open dialogues about important topics such as racism, sexism, religion and politics, then how can we progress or come to agreements or simply just understand each other better? We will never be able to "just get along" unless we try to understand where others are coming from and communicate with each other.

I'm not saying that I'm changing the focus of my blog. Afterall, all the topics I had deep conversations about in college now have a different slant to them since I've experienced more of the world and, most importantly, since I've had kids. I have a different perspective now as a parent. I have different concerns as a parent. I have to make choices I never worried about before as a parent.

I guess what I'm saying I said in the title. I'm going to expand my thoughts and topics here on my blog. As always, it's important to me for me and anyone else commenting on my blog to be respectful and kind to each other. I love to hear other perspectives and ideas, so I hope others will share and not shy away from commenting.

Let's see how this goes.

Question of the Week - Behind Closed Doors

As I said I would, I've been making a lot of trip to my parents' new beach house this summer. In fact, last week I spent the week there with both my kids and my mom (although we had to leave early because the Pumpkin got a fever). While there, I share a room with my two kids. Right next to the room is the bathroom we use.

I've realized that I feel very much at home there when I go in the bathroom to use the potty (yes, I call it that now all the time. Having kids, you know?). In fact as I go into the bathroom, I have to remember that I'm not at home and really think about who else is in the house. This is because I almost never shut the door when I use the bathroom in my own house.

I'm not sure if that's normal. It might just be because I have so little modesty. It's not like I ever shut the door before having kids, so it's not a forgetful-parent thing. It's just easier to leave it open. I feel less disconnected from my family members. And I just don't care if my husband or kids sees or hears me go to the bathroom. Although there are certain times when I do need privacy and shut the door.

This week's question of the week is:

What do you do in the privacy of your own home that you wouldn't do elsewhere?

Do you walk around naked? Do you pick your nose? Do you sing at the top of your lungs? Do you shake your booty to music playing as loud as it can go? Do you and your kids run around screaming happily? What do you do at home that you don't do outside your home?

Sensory Sensitivies

She leans against the tile of the tub,
chin to chest, staring at the white
linoleum floor. Tears are streaming down
her rosy cheeks, her sparkley silver pants
are undone around her waist. She can't explain
exactly what is wrong. She can't find the
right words. She knows only that the pants
don't feel right, the waist hurts, she
doesn't like the buttons. She can't just
get over it, deal with it and move on.
In a hurry to get her to school and get
myself to work, I start to get frustrated.
But she stands there crying real tears,
and my mind brings me back to childhood.
I'm overwhelmed by a memory of a feeling.

(I lean back against the green chair,
eyes cast down, staring at the green-gray
rug. Tears are wet on my cheek, and I'm
kicking the pink shoes with white laces
off my feet. I'm so uncomfortable, frustrated,
upset that I can't explain what's wrong. I can
only cry and yell, insist it's not right. The
shoe isn't tight enough, it doesn't match
the other, it doesn't feel right. I can't just
get over it, deal with it and move on. Nothing
else matters; I can't focus on anything but the
wrongness of the shoe. I won't put my jacket on
and get in the car already. School can wait. This
shoe must be fixed, must be just right or I
won't be able to think about anything else.)

Mimicking my mother from almost 30 years
earlier, I take a deep breath and kneel
down to be on her level. I tell her I
understand it doesn't feel right, tell her
we'll figure out what's wrong. It turns out
to be the adjustable waist band, the buttons
inside the pants. (The shoe string is too
loose on one side, not as tight as the other,
uneven.) I loosen the elastic and fold
it over the buttons so they won't push
into her sensitive skin. (She undoes
the bow and tightens the laces.) I
check with her, and she nods, her face
starting to brighten. I zip and button
the fly. (She checks with me, and I nod,
starting to calm down and feel better.
She ties a new bow.) One last check;
all better. (One last check; all better.)

After dropping her off at school, silver
pants perfect around her waist, I call
my mom. I tell her about my morning. I
thank her for the patience, the understanding
she showed me when I would meltdown over
things not feeling right. I hear her smile
over the phone line. Of course she was
patient about my sensitivities. After all,
she has always had similar sensory issues
herself. Her mother was not as understanding,
and when her memories come to her, I know
she chose to act differently from her
own mom. I respect her even more.

---------------------------

This was a scene from the spring of 2011, and from my own childhood. Though I don't have sensory processing disorder (SPD), I have always dealt with sensory issues, which I believe is also true to some degree for my daughter. I have great respect for those who have to deal with SPD either themselves or with their children. It is not easy to deal with, and it can be hard to find the extra patience and understanding that is needed in situations that arise from the disorder or sensory sensitivities.