Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Relationship Connection

Londo and I have a really good relationship. The kind of relationship that many other people don't even realize is possible. Not only are we still madly in love with each other after about 10.5 years together and almost 6 years of marriage, but we still really like each other. We are each others best friends and enjoy spending time together. We have many of the same interests, and even when we don't necessarily like the same things, we respect that the other person likes those things. Most importantly, we are able to talk about everything and anything and work out issue by communicating with each other.

This is not to say that things are always perfect with us. That would be unrealistic and a big fat lie. We get frustrated with each other, we bicker, we take things out on each other when we are upset about other things, we argue, we even have fights (although not often, I will admit it's become more common since the baby and sleep deprivation has come into our house). But we get through those things without major worries I think because of two major things: we have a firm foundation for our relationship so we are able to weather the storms, and we work really hard to stay connected and reconnect when we need it.

I've been working on this post in my head for a few weeks now. Let me tell you why. Londo and I have been going through a rough time together. I say together because we were not going through a rough time with each other. The rough time came from outside sources, including (but not limited to) the Pumpkin's 3-month-long (or longer, we'll see) sleep regression and all that brings with it, major deadlines at work for both of us, changes in our daycare situation, getting our finances in order (including meetings with a financial planner), getting our house in order, all sorts of commitments to family and friends, and the whole figuring out ourselves and our relationship as parents. For a while there, Londo and I seemed to spend very little time being together because we were always doing other things even when we were physically together. Our focus was on the Pumpkin, our jobs, our house, our friends and family, etc. Not on us. This lead to a disconnected feeling that is not good for any relationship.

I believe this happens in all relationships. People get caught up with all the other stuff going on and get disconnected from each other. This has happened to us off and on throughout our entire relationship. Luckily, Londo and/or I are pretty good at realizing that it is or has happened and then are able to focus on reconnecting. When Londo and I talk about being connected, it means mentally, emotionally and physically, because we believe all three of these things are vital for us and our relationship.

Just prior to our recent vacation, Londo pointed out to me that we'd both been very go go go and he thought we were pretty disconnected. While I had known that we weren't connected and we both so busy and sleepless and cranky, his pointing out the need to re-connect really hit me. He was so right. Step one for us is realizing and vocalizing it. Step two is starting to work on it.

The vacation was another whirlwind, but the ocean and the beach centers me. After finishing my work deadlines, I was able to be on vacation and go to the beach and feel a little more like myself. Once we got back from vacation, Londo and I really worked on reconnecting. We didn't turn on computers once the baby was asleep. We spent time together in the evenings and on weekends. We did things around the house together and with the baby. Most importantly, we talked to each other about all sorts of things and enjoyed each others company again. Oh, and we have been having rocking sex, of pre-baby caliber, in part thanks to my re-reading my own tips on getting in the mood (there is a reason I was able to write that post--these are things I have worked on over the years to help with that physically reconnecting aspect).

I'm happy to say that once again, Londo and I are thriving in our relationship, even before the Pumpkin started sleeping through the night again. Relationships are hard work, and I would never imply that every relationship could be perfect. In fact, the right choice for some people is to not be together. As for me, I truly, truly believe that Londo is my soulmate. We are definitely meant for each other. But even with that, we work hard not to take the other person for granted and to support the other person in any way we can. This has become especially important now that we have a child. Our child adds a new dimension to our relationship that we never had before, one that I see will continually change and we will need to constantly readjust to that dimension. And that's okay too.

I actually love it when we remind each other that we need to reconnect and the work involved in reconnecting. Reconnecting, and being connect, with Londo is fun and heart-warming. He is so funny, extremely intelligent, witty, interesting and very sexy. He's a fantastic father and an amazing partner. I look forward to growing old with him and our child(ren), staying connected and reconnecting with each other for the rest of our lives.

4 comments:

Tranny Head said...

Good for you . . . I'm jealous about the "reconnecting" thing. And the sex. Heh. My husband I won't be able to "reconnect" until February when he comes back from Iraq.

And yes, you have to have a helluva good relationship to make it through deployment.

Karen said...

Yeah for good relationships! I worry about young people nowadays. They just don't view marriage as a commitment.

sheSaid.purplehouseonpearl.com said...

I love how you put that, about disconnect and reconnect. That is exactly how we talk about it. That sometimes you end up living life in passing, cohabiting. And you have to take time to reconnect, and feel together again. You guys have a great relationship, and it's really nice to hear about other's who are making it work. :)

Colleen said...

I could tell when we first met you and Londo that you guys had a wonderful relationship! And now I know why. ;)

We, probably like other couples, get so busy with everything that we forget to make time for each other. We're bad about being on the computers, and with my long commute I am up late just trying to get things done. By the time I get to bed, forget it..not too interested. And he's often asleep already. In the mornings we're usually woken up by our 4 year old so we don't even get a little time then (and when we do, we've always got one ear open for our little intruder).
But I read your tips and think I will have to try implementing them...at least the thinking romantic thoughts throughout the day. And maybe figure out how to let him know that he's better off giving me a backrub with no strings attached then just rubbing my back to get a little some-some. ;)