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Point Break

I'm really close to my breaking point. Things are just so stressful right now. Between to major deadlines at work (and the many little ones that lead up to those) and the lack of sleep (quality and quantity) at home, I'm close to the edge of what I can handle. I hate admitting that, but there it is.

Part of why I hate admitting it is because I really don't want advice from people about how I should lighten my load at work, how to get the baby to sleep or that I need to take a vacation. I know all of these things already. It's just not that easy. Although I could use some sympathy and empathy and understanding.

My IT work is cyclical, so this it is completely normal for me to be crazy busy at this point in the cycle. It's just that this time there are two deadlines, both on May 30th. So I'm going home for dinner, then putting the baby to bed, which has lately been taking 1.5 to sometimes 2 hours or more, then I continue to work until pretty late at night. So then when the baby wakes up a few hours later and it's my "shift" with the baby, I'm exhausted. We co-sleep in the nursery until morning, and once I got that pattern back and gave up the expectation that I'd be going back to sleep in my own bed*, this has gone much better.

I took the past two nights off from working. But last night, she got up about 2:10, and I went in to cosleep. Then, she woke up at 4:45, bright and cheery and ready for the day.

I am exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm crying a lot more than is good for me. And I'm so angry. The anger just boils under the surface, and that's not good for anyone. What am I angry at? Life, I guess. Suffice to say, none of this has been good for my relationship with my husband on top of it all. Luckily, we are both trying to cut each other a lot of slack and get through this as best we can as a team.

The good thing I can say is that at least I don't have PPD on top of it all. Since I had it before, I know for sure that this isn't it. This is just stress and exhaustion, which is still no fun.

At this point, I'm just really looking forward to this weekend's meet up. And we are going on vacation to the beach May 31st, the day after my big deadlines. These are the highlights that I keep in mind when I feel that crack going up the side of me, getting closer and closer to breaking me in two.

*The Pumpkin does not do well in our bed, which keeps both Londo and I up, so it's been easier to just go sleep in the twin bed in her room. It actually works really well for Londo or I to co-sleep in there. Although still not good quality sleep for us, the Pumpkin is able to sleep pretty well.


Sharina said…
I know that feeling all to well. I really hope your little one starts to sleep better soon. And I’m counting down to the 31st for you.
See you Saturday! (I noticed that my comments are not always getting posted, so I never officially confirmed my attendance.)
Cloud said…
Oh, big hugs. Last night was the first night I got more than 4 hours of sleep in longer than my sleep deprived brain can remember. So I know how you feel. And I also know how much better you'll feel after getting some decent sleep! I feel pretty good today.

Our Pumpkin also just decided to move her bedtime (as in when she actually falls asleep) to 8:30 from 8 (where it had been for months). Once we figured that out (which took us longer than we care to admit), the bedtime routine dropped back to one hour start (bath) to finish (sleeping baby), down from the 1.5 to 2 hours we had been doing. Now our evenings are a lot nicer- we still don't get as much adult time as we used to, but we spend that extra 30 minutes enjoying time with Pumpkin, instead of seething at the clock in her room, wondering why she isn't asleep yet. Once again, the key to my happiness was to figure out what Pumpkin wants to do and just go with it. She is far more stubborn than I am!

I hope your stress ends soon and that you enjoy your time on the beach.
Once you get past all these deadlines and other crap, it's time to work on those sleep issues. Your sanity depends on it. (Easier said than done, so sayeth the lady whose kid is still getting up at night at the age of 2--I wish I had put the brakes on things when they started.)

Sleep is overrated anyway. Right? Please? PLEASE!
I'm Not Skippy said…
I understand, at least a little. I'm in the midst of designing 5 catalogs at work. . . thankfully our little man sleeps well. Of course he's cranky all night until he sleeps.

The deadlines will come and go and things will be better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Don Mills Diva said…
I'm so sorry - I remember that exhausation and the anger too - constantly beneath the's really, really hard and anyone would be close to the breaking point.
Tranny Head said…
God I've been there and I have felt that pain - where you're so on edge all the time because of the horrible fatigue. Eventually it will get better. I mean, look, it's not like when they're teenagers they wake up at night and come bug you, right? They're too busy trying to sneak out and get into somebody's back seat. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Yeah I used to be all high-and-mighty about sleep. My kid slept 6 hour stretches the first week home from the hospital and I was convinced that I was a badass mommy because my kid slept. And then not so much when he stopped doing that (around the time my husband left for Iraq). And then I gave up on the crib. And then I gave up on putting him down awake.

Heh - now? Sleeps in the bed with me. Still wakes up once at night and is nursed back to bed.

Am I doing everything "wrong" according to the books? Absolutely. But I don't give a flying rat's ass because it works for us and I don't have to fight the fatigue.

Anyway, I know it doesn't work for you, but I just wanted to say I sympathize with sleeping in the twin bed to get kiddo to sleep as I had to compromise and do whatever it took to end the fatigue. You gotta do what you gotta do, and advice be damned.

Hang in there.
Karen said…

I have no answers. But "this, too, shall pass..." Hang in there until then.
Colleen said…
also, laughing your butt off at something is also a good stress-reliever (funny movie, Burgh Baby stuck in a doll high chair, America's Funniest Videos). Or sex...which might help you and the hubs feel a little less stressed and more connected with each other while dealing with a lot on your plates. :)
At least with work you have a deadline... which means after that point things will simple be easier/better. Deadlines are nice like that, they are stressful but you also know what that stress will end.

Unlike parenting....

sympathy for you over here.
BrooklynGirl said…
Right there with you.

I didn't know it was actually possible to be this tired.

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