While I've Been... Nowhere

I don't know about everyone else out there in the world, but I suspect most people are feeling completely stir-crazy... the way I'm feeling. I was doing fine for many months. But now we are about to start the sixth month of being shut in and limiting, well, everything. 

You see, last winter I learned I have hypertension, which puts me in a higher-risk category for COVID-19. And this spring I learned that when it comes to pandemics, I'm on the extremely wary side of the caution spectrum. Also, I've worked too long supporting the health market/industry/government and with too many epidemiologists to not be flat out terrified of this novel virus.  

So our household is locked down as much as possible. None of us meet people for social-distanced walks or lunches in a park. We don't chance any gatherings, do any shopping, or eat anywhere but home. Londo has done almost all of the required trips out, and we follow a strict process for anything that comes into the house.  

In general, we've managed pretty well. However, I realized recently that I've reached my limit in being fine staying in. I now truly have gotten stir crazy and frustrated. I feel isolated. I long to spend physical time with family and friends. I deeply miss activities in places I will not go these days. 

It occurred to me the last time I felt trapped at home, isolated, and lonely for other humans was when I had babies... and that is why I started this blog in the first place! So it seems like a good time to try to start writing again. 

I will start with what I have done during these pandemic months, and what I've learned from doing them. In the past five months, I have: 

• Stayed home with my husband, two kids, and two dogs.
  I have learned... it's a good thing I like the people I live with! We all truly like each other and enjoy the time we spend together. Except the dogs--they don't really like each other or get along.
• Learned to cook curries!
  I have learned... there are easy recipes that make cooking Indian food not as hard as I thought it would be. And apparently I LOVE chickpea and sweet potato curry!
• Been working out regularly, including doing the Insanity workout again, and 'm currently in the second to last week (I've done the workout in previous years two other times). 
  I have learned... even at 44, I can be in really good shape, and I still love crazy hard workouts. 
• Spent a week with the kids at my parents' beach house (near the beach, not right at it, and we did not actually go to the beach).
  I have learned... a change of indoor scenery is really nice, even if you don't go out anywhere. I need to do that again soon.
• Supported the kids through virtual camps (they each had three virtual camps).
  I have learned... although they didn't enjoy all of the camps, they did have fun and learned things. And it was good for them to be able to do things other than watch TV. This has been the summer of TV for them. 
• Created a camp I called Candy Camp for my kids and my best friend's youngest to do remotely. 
  I have learned... I can create pretty professional distance/remote camp, and it is really fun to make up your own candy and help your kids realize their delicious designs. 
• Had many virtual lunches, happy hours, teas, and chats.
  I have learned... I'm perfectly fine doing these things virtually in place of being in person. While not the same, it works for me as a substitute.
• Gone to the doctors' office, lab for blood work, pharmacy, grocery store (once), comic book store (once), and Goodwill's donation drive-thru (once).
  I have learned... I can shop for most things online and do most appointments virtually. 
• Gotten new kitchen appliances!
  I have learned... they make stove ranges with double ovens!!! And that people can really be great and supportive over the phone while you make big purchases. 
• Interviewed, accepted, and started a new job.
  I have learned... It is possible to leave a company and start with a new one all virtually. 
• Worked from home full time.
  I have learned... I'm really glad I redid my office/guest room last winter! Working from home is so much better if you have everything set up in a way that is conducive to the way you work and in an environment that makes you happy. 

Huh. I really have done a lot. There is a lot more I can do, also. Including writing again. 

Getting Ready to Vacation

I haven't been around much or had time to write much. It took me a while to recover from the food poisoning. I even had to take Monday off from work. So then I also had to make up the work I'd missed. Plus, I'm busy getting ready for the vacation I'm taking next week.

That's right, I'm going on vacation next week! I'm going to Florida with my parents. I'm bringing the Pumpkin. But Londo is not coming. Am I crazy? Why, yes. I think I am.

It's not that a vacation with my parents and daughter is a bad idea. It's just, as I've mentioned, she is "spirited" and extremely active. She is not easy in so many ways. I love her more than I could ever express, and she is fun and funny and good natured. Surely, we'll have a great time!

But I know it will be exhausting. She is exhausting. And while my parents will help, I will have to put her down for every nap and every bedtime. I will have to be night duty and cosleep with her every night. I will have to be the one making sure she is entertained and happy and on scheduled.

Also, we will be flying down, and I've read some good tips about toddlers on the plane. Luckily, I will be on the same flight as my parents, so they will be helpful during the trip.

If anyone has any tips for traveling or being on vacation with a toddler, I'm open to hear them!

Question of the Week - Free Day

Happy Rosh Hashanah, to those who celebrate!

Well, I'm late with my QotW post. This is par for the course for me lately. You see, my big project at work had taken over my life. I was working long hours at work, and continuing to work after putting the baby to bed. I was averaging 6 hours of sleep not because the child woke up (cause she's maybe 60/40 with sleeping through the night lately, thank goodness), but because I was up late working.

There was one problem after another, and one meeting after another. It was crazy. But it's done--mostly. We released the new version of the software Friday night. I spent 7 or 8 hours on Saturday updating documentation. And yesterday, I spent the day catching up on all my other projects at work, to the best that I could.

Today, other than calling in for a couple meetings, I'm taking the day off!

Which segues nicely into our Question of the Week:
If you had a day off, a day where your child is being cared by someone else and you don't have to work, what would you do?

I'll tell you what I'm doing! Now that the babysitter is here and I've made (and ate) pancakes, I'm going back to sleep. I am! I'm exhausted, and as soon as I post this, I'm going back to dreamland. Then, I have to call in for one of the meetings. Then, I'm taking a nice, long, hot bath. Maybe with bubbles! Definitely with a light romance novel. Once I'm out, I'm going to do my nails. Then I'll call into my second meeting.

After that, I haven't decided. I'm either going to the mall to shop for some clothes for the Pumpkin since she's grown out of her last size and she doesn't have enough pants to see her through a week in the fall. Also, I need new pants that actually fit me. (As a side note, I've found a diet on which I have lost a few pounds within a week or two. It's called the Stressed Out Diet. I don't recommend it.) I might just wait to go to the mall until the weekend, although I have no idea what the toddler will wear on her bottom half for the rest of the week. I wonder how dirty those purple pants that she wore on Saturday are...

The other thing I might do all afternoon is blog. I've missed my blogs! I've got almost 400 posts in my Reader! I have some serious catching up to do, and I would love to spend the afternoon just online reading and maybe some writing and definitely some commenting.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. Blog. So for now, I'm going to sleep. But I'll see you all later! For now, please tell me what you would do with a precious free day just for yourself.

And Then We Get Disconnected

Did I mention yesterday how easy it is to get disconnected again? Apparently all it takes is a little adult crankiness, a little fussing from the baby and some miscommunication. I won't get into the details. But if I had to be brutally honest with myself (and you), it was probably 85% my fault. That adult crankiness I mentioned? Me.

Then I had a hard time putting the Pumpkin down for bed. By the time I was done, I was tired and even more cranky, so Londo and I didn't talk. This morning, we should have talked, but we didn't. The cleaning lady comes today, so we were busy picking up our crap so she can actually clean our floors.

This evening, I leave to go out of town for the weekend without husband or even baby!!! So either we will have to find time to talk while watching the baby and packing, or we both will let it go and realize that it really was nothing. I think this weekend away will be good for me, and therefore us, even though I'll miss them both so very much.

Point Break

I'm really close to my breaking point. Things are just so stressful right now. Between to major deadlines at work (and the many little ones that lead up to those) and the lack of sleep (quality and quantity) at home, I'm close to the edge of what I can handle. I hate admitting that, but there it is.

Part of why I hate admitting it is because I really don't want advice from people about how I should lighten my load at work, how to get the baby to sleep or that I need to take a vacation. I know all of these things already. It's just not that easy. Although I could use some sympathy and empathy and understanding.

My IT work is cyclical, so this it is completely normal for me to be crazy busy at this point in the cycle. It's just that this time there are two deadlines, both on May 30th. So I'm going home for dinner, then putting the baby to bed, which has lately been taking 1.5 to sometimes 2 hours or more, then I continue to work until pretty late at night. So then when the baby wakes up a few hours later and it's my "shift" with the baby, I'm exhausted. We co-sleep in the nursery until morning, and once I got that pattern back and gave up the expectation that I'd be going back to sleep in my own bed*, this has gone much better.

I took the past two nights off from working. But last night, she got up about 2:10, and I went in to cosleep. Then, she woke up at 4:45, bright and cheery and ready for the day.

I am exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm crying a lot more than is good for me. And I'm so angry. The anger just boils under the surface, and that's not good for anyone. What am I angry at? Life, I guess. Suffice to say, none of this has been good for my relationship with my husband on top of it all. Luckily, we are both trying to cut each other a lot of slack and get through this as best we can as a team.

The good thing I can say is that at least I don't have PPD on top of it all. Since I had it before, I know for sure that this isn't it. This is just stress and exhaustion, which is still no fun.

At this point, I'm just really looking forward to this weekend's meet up. And we are going on vacation to the beach May 31st, the day after my big deadlines. These are the highlights that I keep in mind when I feel that crack going up the side of me, getting closer and closer to breaking me in two.

*The Pumpkin does not do well in our bed, which keeps both Londo and I up, so it's been easier to just go sleep in the twin bed in her room. It actually works really well for Londo or I to co-sleep in there. Although still not good quality sleep for us, the Pumpkin is able to sleep pretty well.

The Diagnosis

I'm so glad I took the Pumpkin to the doctor yesterday, because she does indeed have something: coxsackievirus, aka hand, foot, and mouth disease*.

Yes, it is common in infants and toddlers. Yes, it is contagious, especially if the toddler puts her drooled on hand in your mouth (which she does to me a hundred times a day). No, there is not treatment for it beyond treating the symptoms. No, it is not dangerous for children (although it can be pretty rough for adults).

Those symptoms are basically the same as teething symptoms except worse, so no wonder we thought she was just teething until that fever spiked! The doctor said it just runs its course, the worst of which is about 3-5 days. She said that the Pumpkin was probably on day 5 and would start feeling better soon. We will continue to give her Motrin and Tylenol as needed, and at night give her Benadryl to allieviate the irritation of the sores in her mouth (my poor baby!).

Isn't Benadryl also supposed to knock babies/toddlers out so they sleep at night? Cause that didn't happen last night. The poor girl was up at 12:30 and didn't get back to sleep until about 1:40, according to Londo. But when she woke up, she woke up smiling and seemed to be in a really good mood. The doctor had said that she'd be fine to go to whatever childcare she goes to today, so the nanny came this morning and I was able to get to work in good time.

Speaking of good moods, I'm in a great one! When I said above "according to Londo" that is because he took her all night long! Have I mentioned how much I love my hubby?!?! He was up with her in the night, and when he finally got her back to sleep, he coslept with her in the bed in her nursery the rest of the night. When I woke up to my alarm in my own bed, I felt amazing! The sun was shining this morning, which was a nice change to all the rain we have been getting and makes me happy.

I have been so stressed, but today I'm feeling good and productive and am getting a ton done at work. Which is good, because I have SO MUCH to do, juggling four different projects, with big deadlines coming up on two of them. I ended up taking yesterday afternoon off to take the Pumpkin to the doctor and then hold her for her nap in the afternoon. (She's not been letting us put her down to sleep for any naps and barely at all at night, and now we know it's because the sores in her mouth bother her so much.) This caused me to have to work in the evening and night until later than I wanted to. Again. Which is interferring with the time I'd normal spend with Londo. But that's a different post...

For now, I'm just glad we have a diagnosis, know what's going on and know that she'll be feeling better soon. And I'm amazingly glad I had a whole, great night of sleep!

*Not to be confused with foot-and-mouth disease, which is what cattle and other animals get.

Daddy's Take: Day 1

Londo's Diary, 23 January, 2008.

Taking care of the pumpkin by myself has started off well. Mostly.
There was 1 incident of significance that made me wish I had 10 arms and the ability to multitask like a chess computer.

I was cooking dinner for me and the Pumpkin (rotini, sauce, bread, little puffed wheat thingies) when about 14 things happened at once. The pumpkin was on the floor, playing with her toys. The dog was in the floor, waiting for food to fall. I will try to give you the exact order in which it happened:

1. Londo in apron (hey sauce splatters and I like this shirt) is merrily stirring a pot of pasta and another pot of sauce.
2. dog gets up and sits next to back door - this is the universal sign of, "let me out or I will pee on something in here!"
3. Pasta begins to boil to the top of the pot.
4. Timer goes off, letting me know pasta is ready (breep-breep-breep, etc.)
5. Toaster oven dings, letting Londo know that bread is ready and will be burned to a crisp in exactly 10 seconds.
6. Pumpkin heads towards the cabinet where we keep the dog food (making the dog very interested indeed).
7. The phone rings.
8. Londo pauses, makes a judgment call on how to proceed, then proceeds.
9. Seeing Cara's cell on the caller ID, I grab the phone while heading for the toaster oven.
10. "Hello?"
11. A high-pitched scream, closely followed by the silence that every parent dreads, closely followed by whimpers and screams alternatively. Pumpkin had gotten her little fingers stuck in the cabinet door, and was leaning on the same door with her other hand (making things unbelievably worse).
12. Cara: "OMG, what's wrong?"
Londo: "Gottagocallyoubackinaminuteloveyoubye-click!"
13. Londo freaks.
14. I swept up the Pumpkin, and began kissing her fingers while I turned the stove-tops off and flung a towel over the timer (breep-breep-breep, muffle, muffle, breep)
15. I bang my head (really friggin hard) on the edge of another cabinet (the one over the toaster oven) as I reach into the hot device for the bread (I should have mentioned earlier, I was wearing an oven mitt on one hand, just to make this whole thing more challenging:)
16. Londo curses. This makes the Pumpkin stop crying and actually giggle at daddy (rubbing his head with an oven mitt and a piece of hot bread).
17. I put her down in her high-chair, let the dog out, push the button on the timer (breep-bre...), and sit down.

This whole experience took about 1 minute.

The rest of the night was awesome. I fed, bathed, and played with the baby and put her to bed at 7:50. She woke up at 5:50 in the morning (I usually get up, or try to, at 5:15, so this was no hardship). I showered while she played in the jumper in our bathroom, put on my suit, and dropped her off at Nana's house.

Other than that 1 minute of crisis, we had a pretty good night.

Thanks Pumpkin, sorry about the fingers.

-Londo

XXX

There's No Crying in Baseball!

Ever have one of those days when you feel like you are about to burst into tears all day long for any reason and no reason? But you can't because you are surrounded by other people? And maybe you have a big presentation in front of your new management team and you don't want your face to be blotchy or your make-up to run? And the last you want to do is talk in front of or to other people or be at work or even be out of bed? But you are crazy busy at work and so you have to be doing stuff all day long even though you are exhausted and sleep deprived and extremely cranky? And maybe you blew up at your partner because you had to ask him/her for help and you hate asking for help even when you know you need it?

No, you haven't? Yeah, me neither.

What Would My Mother Say?

Note: Apparently, I'm going to be linking to people this week. I did yesterday, and I'm about to again today. And so, I will link all week long.

Currently, I'm working on letting things go. After all, what's the harm in letting things go that aren't going to hurt the kids? And why do we parents believe things have to be perfect or set a bunch of rules for the sake of having rules? And why do we judge others who let some things go, when really the rule is for no good reason? Don't get me started on the Sanctimommy!

Why do we stress about things and make our lives harder than they have to be? Why do we buy that extra winter coat for a baby who will almost assuredly not need it? Why do we go crazy trying to come up with variety in food for a baby who doesn't care if they eat the same 10 things? Why do we spend an hour trying to get the baby to sleep when the nap lasts only 15 minutes, or 30 if you are really lucky?

Often, I think we berate ourselves because of that voice in our heads that say, "What would my mother say!" So, I'm not listening to that voice in my head anymore that starts rebuking me in my mother's voice. In an effort to reduce the stress in my life, I'm letting things go. Wanna see?


Is that a bottle of Motrin the baby has? Why, yes it is! (Don't worry--it has a childproof lid.)


Is that a dirty sock the baby has? Yep, a dirty, stinky sock! (Can't be worse than other things she sticks in her mouth.)


Is that a trash can the baby is playing with? Sure is! (At least it's empty.)

My mornings are finally getting easier, thanks to this new attitude-- and the Pumpkin's ability to sit, crawl and stand so well!