Going to Sleep on Their Own!

I have news! HUGE news! (No, I'm not pregnant.)

Last night, both of my kids went to bed on their own, with their doors shut, without a parent even sitting in the hallway!!!!

Why yes, my daughter is now 5.5 years old and my son is over 3. And no, I do not want to hear about how someone else's kids have been doing that since they were infants. Mine have struggled with going to sleep and sleep in general.

Although I hesitate to talk or write about any good sleep/going to sleep situations in our house since doing so always seems to jinx it, I really wanted to include this one good night on my (mostly inactive) blog. Considering the YEARS we've struggled with bedtimes and nighttimes and all the posts I've written to keep my sanity about things related to sleep (or lack thereof), I figured if there was any reason to write a third post this year, LAST NIGHT was the reason!

With the Pumpkin, we have had to make a very slow transition to just get out of her room while she goes to sleep. I think the Pookie would have transitioned quicker to going to sleep on his own, but since we had to stay with his sister, he wanted the same. We have made small steps, slowly progressing from nursing them to sleep, to rocking them to sleep, to lying down with them and signing, sitting next to their beds, sitting in their doorways, to actually one person sitting in the hall while they both go to sleep in their beds!

That last one was HUGE for us! It also freed us up a bit, since one person could sit in the hall reading or playing on the iPhone/iPad while they both went to sleep. Londo has been able to take a gym class twice a week at night, and I've joined an adult chorus once a week and still go to book club once a month.

But lately in my opinion (opinions differ in our house on this), the Pookie has seemed to need more sleep. He wakes up early and won't go back to sleep, so I have insisted that we start putting him to bed earlier than his sister. (Let's skip the parental disagreements here...) But I wanted to make sure we could put him to bed earlier and still maintain that bit of indepence we have in the evenings when one of us can actually go out and do something while the other puts the kids to bed, without causing the bedtime parent to sit in the hall for hours. My solution was to get the Pookie to go to sleep on his own with his door closed.

Apparently, Londo and I were on the same page about how the Pookie could go to sleep. Three nights ago, while I was at chorus, Londo did the bedtime routine, gave the Pookie a kiss, told him he had to check on the Pumpkin, shut the Pookie's door, tucked in the Pumpkin, went back to check on the Pookie like 5 minutes later and the Pookie was asleep.

Not even knowing that, two nights ago while Londo was at his gym, I did the bedtime routine, kissed the Pookie and explained that his sister was still doing something that might be noisy so I needed to close his door for him to go to sleep. I told him that big boys go to sleep with their doors closed (he wants to be big and strong lately) and that he was so capable that I thought he could do it! He was pushing back a little, but then I went with offering a reward, which often works with him. I told him he could have a special treat if he tried it. He said, "Okay. I can try it."

And guess what? He did it!

I sat in the hall while his door was shut and while the Pumpkin had her door open as she practiced writing and reading. I made sure she saw me there the whole time, so she knew that I was there even if the door was shut. When it was time for her to go to bed, I asked her if she wanted her door shut, and she said, "No. I like it the way it is every night."

I said in a tentative, tired voice, "Okay." And she asked why I said okay like that. I was trying to come up with an explanation when she said something along the lines of me thinking she should have the door shut. I explained that some day, she would need to be able to go to sleep by herself with her door shut. She said she understood, but she did not offer to do it that night. She went to sleep in her room with the door open while I sat in the hall.

But the next day, when she heard about and saw the Pookie get his extra piece of Halloween candy for going to sleep by himself with his door shut, she wanted to try it! So last night, the Pookie went to bed by himself again! And then, Londo put the Pumpkin in her room, kissed her and closed the door.

Within minutes, she was back in our room. I thought, "there goes that!" BUT, she just came out to tell her dad that it wasn't as scary as she thought it would be! And Londo pointed out that we were right in the room next door, doing exactly what we had been doing when the Pookie went to bed by himself.

She went back to bed and went to sleep! On her own! With her door shut!

Plus we started a rule a few weeks ago that neither kid can come into our room and bed at night until we open the door. We stay up watching TV or spending time together with the door shut. When we go to bed, we open the door. The Pookie almost never comes to our room before we go to bed anyway, and the Pumpkin is getting better about it. In fact, a couple nights ago, when we reminded her that she needed to go back to her own room, she went back in and went to sleep by herself (after a potty break)!

So nighttimes are going better in the caramama household! I have hope! At least until the next regression, when all bets are out the window!

Now That He's Tasted Freedom...

Londo and I have been tossing around the idea of converting the Pookie's crib to a toddler bed. But when the Pookie wakes up in the morning, he sits in his crib for 30 minutes or more playing. He's confined and happy. I have time to get up and get ready before he's calling for me to get him. And it's hard to change something that's been working so well.

Or had been.

Over Thanksgiving at my inlaws, the Pookie slept in a pack 'n play in a guest room, as he always does. We set it up where we always do, next to the guest bed. It has a lovely wrought iron headboard and footboard, with the footboard about a foot away from the pack 'n play.

Can you guess where I'm going with this?

During the visit, the Pookie figured out how to climb out of the crib. He put a leg over the top and used the footboard to pull himself out. He showed us himself how he did it.

The pack 'n play is so low that it wasn't a problem. But we were concerned about what would happen when we got home and he was in his tall crib.

The first night back, it was too late and I was too tired to figure anything out. So I just rocked him to sleep and put him in his crib as usually. He slept through the night, woke up and started playing in his crib. So I got up and went to wash up, leaving the monitor with Londo.

A little while later, Londo hurried into the bathroom to let me know he was going to get the Pookie. He said that he heard the Pookie over the monitor say, "I get down."

Londo rushed into the nursery to see the Pookie with one leg going over the crib rail. He put the Pookie's ankle back on the inside of the crib. And then got him out of the crib.

And that was the end of the crib.

We converted the crib into a toddler bed, and the Pookie's been transitioning. We've all been transitioning. It's not been easy.

The first night, he was up in the 2:00 hour. I tried to get him back to sleep for an hour and a half, and then I just brought him in bed with us. The Pumpkin was already there anyway. He woke up early, too.

Londo and I have never minded having the kids (and dog and cat) in our bed. It's the main reason we got a king-sized bed. But the rule is that anyone in our bed has to let the others sleep. The Pookie is still learning that rule.

But he is learning. When he wakes up early in the night, he's pretty good about falling back asleep with us. On top of me if the Pumpkin is cuddled next to me, because he's such a mama's boy he has to be close to me.

But when he wakes up at 5:00 or later, he is pretty much awake and trying to play with us or get us up. So I've been teaching him that if he's awake and wants to play, "Where do you go?" He now answers that with, "In my room." And I say, "Go on then." And? He does!

Overall, we've been up early a lot this past week and had some rough nights of sleep. We didn't think this transition would be easy, and boy were we right!

I'll end on a good note, though. Last night, the Pumpkin came in our room in the 2:00 hour, going right to sleep in between Londo and me, not even waking me. The Pookie toddled in our room right about 4:00. He climbed into bed easily enough, and he tried to get comfortable. But he could not get comfortable or settle down.

When he actually sat up and started to look around--for something to get into, no doubt--that's when I said, "Are you awake and want to play?" and after I asked about where he should go to play, he heads off to his room. I fell back asleep.

The other morning that he was up that early and playing in his room, every half hour he would come in to check in on me and see if I was ready to get up. It was disrupted sleep, but it was better then not sleeping at all.

I thought he would do that again. But instead of getting woken up a bunch of times, I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:30. I bolted out of bed, my first thought being what the heck had the boy been up to for the last 2 and a half hours!

I didn't hear anything, so I tiptoed down the hall. I didn't hear anything through the door, so I very quietly eased the door open.

I could barely believe my eyes. The Pookie was sleeping sweetly in his toddler bed, his Cars blanket pulled up around him. Asleep! Back in HIS OWN BED! Which he went to and got in by HIMSELF!

I didn't know kids really did that. And I certainly don't expect it to ever happen again. But it was pretty cool. Who knows what will happen tonight.

So now, every night before I go to sleep I ask myself, "I wonder which kid will come to bed with us first tonight?" It's a sweet thought and a neat place to be in our parenting.

Question of the Week - That's Not a Kids' Song

I've always loved to sing. I was in chorus in high school, and I even made the chambers singers group. I took voice lessons through high school and college. And over the years, I was asked many times if I wanted to be a professional singer. Not only was I honest with myself about not being at that level, but I knew that even if I was good enough (which again, I wasn't) I wouldn't want the life of a professional singer. But when I said no, then people would want to know why I kept up with taking lessons. Aside from the joy of singing learning new songs and techniques, my answer was always that I just want to be able to sing pretty lullabies to my future children.

Now that I am a mother, I do indeed sing my babies to sleep. I spent years singing the Pumpkin to sleep, and occasionally still do. I sing the Pookie to sleep every time I put him to bed or down for a nap. If you think about it, that's a LOT of songs. A LOT of the same songs. Over and over and over again.

I have to admit, I get tired of the same old songs again and again. Don't get me wrong, I love the lullabies and even kids' songs. I sing a lot of Rockabye Baby and Twinkle Twinkle and Frere Jacque. But I've got to stay sane, so I also sing some of my favorite jazz and blues standards and some rock songs too.

I remember reading in Jenny McCarthy's book Baby Laughs that she didn't really know any lullabies or kids songs, so she would sing Brittany Spears (I think it was Baby One More Time). And when The Office had that episode with Jan bringing in her baby and she sang Son of a Preacher Man, I didn't think it was really inappropriate of her to sing that to the newborn. After all, at a certain point you've got to sing what you like or you're going to hate singing.

So this week's Question of the Week is:

What song have you sung/do you sing to your kids that borders on or flat out is inappropriate?

This past summer, right after I weaned, I was craving margaritas. In fact, I was walking my son and bouncing him, trying to get him to sleep for his nap, thinking about a nice, cold margarita with salt on the rim of the glass... and I started singing Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. And wouldn't you know it? The boy calmed down and fell to sleep. He really liked the tune, and I imagine he will become a Parrothead like his daddy was.

And Margaritaville isn't that bad, right? I mean, it's not like it's Let's Get Drunk and Screw!

What about you? Do you sing to your kids? What adult songs to you sing, knowing they don't understand the words? What do you sing or listen to to keep you sane at bedtime?

The ENT Specialist's Recommendation

A few weeks ago, I brought the Pumpkin to an appointment with an ENT specialist recommended by our pediatrician. After the multiple ear infections last winter/spring (five total) plus the regularity of liquid build up in her ears when she had any sort of cold, the pediatrician thought it would be a good idea to get her ears checked out by a specialist. Knowing that we tend on the side of less medical intervention, she recommended a specialist she said was generally conservative in his recommendations.

I put off making the appointment, as I tend to do. The Pumpkin's ears weren't bothering her this summer, so I just wasn't thinking about it or worried about it. But then, we started having sleep issues again. And then I read a blog post about tonsils and adenoids that got me thinking: Maybe there is more to the ear infections and even sleep issues. Maybe there is some underlying health reason for both, in addition to my girl's personality making it difficult for her to go to sleep and sleep well.

After just a little bit of research on adenoids and a phone call with the pediatrician, I made the appointment with the ENT. I knew going in that she wasn't having any ear issues, but I was going to see if he said anything about her adenoids. And if he didn't bring it up, I was going to.

The Pumpkin did great for her appointment. The doctor was an older man who was really good with kids, and even had Spiderman cuff links and a Mickey Mouse watch, both of which my daughter loved. He asked some general questions related to her health, ears and sleep.

Here was the conversation as he was checking her out:

ENT Doc: Does she breath through her mouth at night?
caramama: Yes.
ENT Doc: Does she ever snore?
caramama: Yeah. That's actually how we know for sure she's fallen asleep at night. She starts snoring gently.
ENT Doc: Does she come in your room at night?
caramama: Oh yeah.
ENT Doc: Often?
caramama: Oh yeah.

We talked a bit about the ear infections and how the liquid buildup could have been because the adenoids are blocking the normal drainage... or something like that.

Sure enough, her ears looked fine but her adenoids were enlarged. My mother's instinct was right on!

Then, I discussed with the generally conservative doctor whether or not she should have surgery. Here's how that conversation went:

ENT Doc: Well, next time she's asleep, go into her room and check on her. See if she is breathing through her mouth, snoring, and tossing and turning a lot.
caramama: Doctor, I can tell you now. She does all of those things. She sleeps with us enough for me to know for sure.
ENT Doc: So her sleep is regularly disrupted? Does she seem tired during the day?
caramama: She's never slept well, and she does have signs that she is sleep deprived (this was part of what I discussed on the phone with our pediatrician). She has trouble focusing, she gets fussy, and she gets that wildness that kids get when they are over-tired. I mean she gets those things more than I've seen in other kids her age.
ENT Doc: It sounds to me like the enlarged adenoids are affecting her quality of life.
caramama: Probably our whole household's quality of life!
We both chuckled.
ENT Doc: When the quality of life is being affected, especially to this degree, I do recommend surgery.

So, that's where we are. The ENT doctor recommends surgery for my 3.5 year old's enlarged adenoids. Luckily her tonsils are fine, so it would just be to remove the adenoids. Londo and I talked it over, and we think we should have it done. We discussed it again with our pediatrician, and she agrees that we should do it. There doesn't appear to be any negative consequences of having the adenoids removed (aside from dealing with the surgery itself), and it could greatly improve her sleep and quality of life.

Now, I just have to stop sitting on this referral and make the appointment for the surgery. I know I need to, and I should do it sooner rather than later. But I'm finding it really hard to make the call for surgery, aside from my normal procrastination of making appointments. Cause, you know, it's surgery. For my 3.5 year old. My firstborn. My little girl.

This is the part of being a parent that sucks. Having to do the hard stuff when it's probably best for the child. Sigh...

Question of the Week - What Can You Do Now?

Before the 3.5 period of disequilibrium gets any worse, I want to write something good about my girl's age! And also the 15 month age of my son, before any disequilibrium strikes!

The caramama family had such a great weekend this weekend (for the most part). Saturday was an especially good day. The four of us had a lovely morning, playing around and cleaning up and setting up for a card game. Then some of Londo's college buddies came over, some with wives and kids.

You see, before kids, we all got together for cards once a month, usually at our house or my husband's BFF's house. We were the first of this group to have a kid, and since the Pumpkin's birth, the regularity of the games had gone way down. But now that other people are having kids, and now that our kids are getting older and a bit more self-sustainable, we are hoping to get back into having regular games.

Mostly, the wives/girlfriends don't play, and that was true before any had kids. One other female college friend and myself are usually the only women playing. And that's been a struggle for Londo and I over the past few years, because one of us either can't go or we take turns watching the kid(s). More often, it was me not going or not playing cards, because this is Londo's group of college friends, although I knew them at college. I would insist that Londo either play the whole time or at least most of the time, because it's an outlet that he really enjoys. Plus I'd be leaving to nurse the babies and try to get them to nap and whatnot.

Anyway, my point is that the games were tough to do over the last 3.5 years.

This past Saturday, we had the game at our house. It is a kid-friendly house, so wives came and a couple other babies came. After everyone got settled in, I put the Pookie down for his nap. At that time, I went with a couple other women on a walk with the Pumpkin and one of the babies. After the walk, it was time for the Pumpkin to have a rest (of course not nap), and so she sat on the couch watching a show while the ladies played with the baby.

And I went and played cards!

As the day continued on, both my kids were in and out of the dining room where the game was, often sitting with us, playing or eating. At one point, the Pumpkin went up to her room and brought down her dress up stuff. She and her brother then played with the dresses, shoes, beaded necklaces, feather boas, etc. at the edge of the dining room while Londo and I gave help here and there and continued playing.

It was really neat! This is how life continues once you are out of the baby stage! This is how you incorporate the kids into your lives as adults! Now that our kids are old enough, we can now get together with our friends and continue to enjoy grown-up activities while they play together and play around us!

So this week's question of the week is:

What can you do now that your kids are the age they are now?

Now that the Pookie is over a year, has been weaned and doesn't even need milk to go to bed, Londo and I take turns putting him to bed. This is such a relief for me. When I put the Pumpkin to bed, I no longer am putting them both to bed (unless Londo is working late or out of town). And a couple of times, Londo has put them both to bed! Not only is this a relief in general, but it also means that I can go away for an upcoming weekend with a girlfriend and possibly my sister!

As for the Pumpkin, she's just capable of so much now. But my favorite? Over the last few months, I've been able to do an amazing thing: Take a nap while my daughter is with me!

Now, let me break this down for you all. Let's say it's just me watching the kids, solo parenting. It's the weekend, and I'm tired. I put the Pookie down for his nap, and he's going to be out for 1.5 hours or more. Ideally, this is the time my daughter, who is NOT going to nap, should be resting. So I put on a TV show, something she hasn't seen a million times so it will actually hold her interest. Maybe I also set her down at the table with puzzles or with those markers that only color on the special paper.

And then? I lie down on the couch and take a little nap! My daughter even pulls up the blanket over me and gives me a kiss. She may wake me up between shows to tell me that one is over or which the next one is, but she generally lets me sleep.

It. Is. Awesome!

This is not something I could really do before. But now that she is old enough to understand what's going on, now that she doesn't need constant attention, now that she does fine playing or watching a show on her own, now that she is used to being around a bunch of kids napping while she stays awake, my taking a nap during the day around her is possible!

What about you guys? What are you able to do now that you couldn't do before? Are you able to do any pre-kid activities? Are your kids a little more self-sufficient? Can you sneak a nap in or hand over a bedtime? What's great about your kids' ages?

Mama's Boy

Recently, Londo pointed out that the Pookie is definitely easier for me than for him. We've known this and talked about it before. It's been true since his birth, really. He's just always been a mama's boy.

Of course we are both very attached and bonded with both kids, but this is a different set of relationships. When the Pumpkin goes through clingy phases, she generally clings to either me or Londo. Since she was an infant, either one of us was able to calm her down. But with the Pookie? It's me he wants more often than not.

For example, when the Pookie was just an infant, Londo could not get him to sleep. He tried everything! All the things that worked with the Pumpkin and then some, and yet nothing worked. The boy wanted his mama, and usually to nurse. When I needed to get a chunk of sleep, I would have to nurse that boy into a deep, deep sleep and then very carefully pass him over to Londo who would hold him until he woke up hungry again, giving me a couple of hours by myself until the Pookie settled back into my arms for the rest of the night.

As an older baby and as a toddler now, he still will fuss and fret for Londo way more than me. When I get home from work, walk in the door and pick the boy up, he's as happy as can be. That is often when Londo informs me that he's been fussing non-stop and nothing Londo or even the Pumpkin did could make him happy. At those times, I love to look at my wonderful husband like he's crazy and say, "What are you talking about? He's perfectly happy!" Hehe.

Last night, I had to work late. I got home just barely in time to see my boy before Londo took him in the nursery to get him to sleep. He practically leaped out of Londo's arms into mine, which is his preferred way to get to me. He immediately cuddled all into my shoulder, tucking his arms into my body in just the same way he does when I rock or walk him to sleep. His whole body relaxed into mine. He was happy.

Then I transferred him back to Londo. I still had my work clothes on, and the Pookie was really exhausted, so Londo needed to continue putting him to bed right then. Of course, the boy freaked! out! He screamed at the top of his lungs, and it was really hard for me to not grab him back and tuck him back into my arms. Ah, mother's instinct. But Londo got him to sleep very quickly and easily without me.

It's very sweet to have a child who clings to me like that. It's a special relationship, and it is very heart warming. But it's not without its down side.

About once a week lately, the Pookie is waking up in the middle of the night. It seems to be related to his molars coming through, but it could also be some developmental spurt/regression/wonder week. When he wakes up fully, he requires one of his parents to get him back to sleep, and it takes 1.5 hours.

Many times, Londo goes in first and spends 45 minutes or more (depending on how much he can take and the time of the night) trying to get him back to sleep. If he's not back asleep, Londo gets me to take over. There have been other nights/early mornings when I've gone in the whole 1.5 hour, trying to doze in the glider while holding the boy. I don't think it would work AT ALL for me to go in for some of that time and then get Londo. He would pretty much freak out, because once he has me, he wants only me.

So last night, the Pookie woke up fussing and didn't settle back down. I woke up Londo to go in and get him. Once Londo made his way down to the nursery, I heard the Pookie go from general fussy-crying to screaming! Moments later, Londo comes back into our room.

"He freaked out when I tried to get him. He crawled to the opposite side of the crib, as far from me as possible. When I picked him up anyway, he head-butted me!" Londo said.

I was already getting out of bed. I was exhausted and barely able to move (it was the time of night when I have the most difficulty getting up for any reason, and that's why Londo gets him at that time). But I made my way down the hall and into the nursery.

The minute I stepped into the nursery, the Pookie stopped fussing and held his arms up. He just wanted his mama. Today I'm exhausted and my legs ache for having spent 1.5 hours not-sleeping while rocking in that darn glider. But sometimes the boy just wants his mama. And I'm okay with that.

Underwear at Night

At the risk of jinxing it, I'm going to post now about our recent nighttime potty training/learning. I'm going to skip the going-to-bed part of my nighttime stories, cause I'm not quite ready to write about what we are doing about bedtime yet. But there is more the nights than just bedtime...

The Pumpkin has been wearing pull-ups to bed for a long while now. The two weeks prior to this week, she was waking up with a dry diaper. Not only that, but she was actually using the potty and changing into underwear once she got up, instead of getting up and refusing the potty to just pee in her diaper as had happened previously.

Two weeks of not peeing in the pull-up seemed pretty consistent. So last weekend, we finally pulled the trigger, and she got to wear her underpants to bed! How exciting! What a big girl she is! You see how we talked it up. We'd even been telling her for months that at some point she would get to wear underpants to bed.

The weekend went great. She woke up dry, and we quickly took her to the potty once she came in our room. It was a smooth transition... which we of course did not expect to last forever. We knew that there would be middle-of-the-night bed wettings. It was just a matter of when.

Our first was Monday night. Remember, this was only the fourth night of underwear at night, so we didn't really have a middle-of-the-night plan of action. Or brain power.

The Pumpkin comes in our room just after 3 (3:04, for those who care), but stands in the doorway, upset but not really fussing. None of this is unusual, although she normally comes right in and into our bed. So Londo tells her to come on in to bed. She hesitates, but still doesn't speak. Again, not completely unusual. Londo encourages her to come on.

She climbs in bed, but just as she is lying down, I smell pee. As soon as I smell it, I realize the implication and grab her up, practically yelling, "I smell pee!"

Now she starts wailing and flailing, cause I was so smooth with pulling her out of our bed before she got pee on it and notifying Londo of the pee smell. Londo jumps out of bed, and we both remind her that she's wearing underwear and explain to her that she peed and we have to clean it up and get her in new underwear and PJs. She starts to calm down as I clean her up, and Londo gets the bed sheets off her bed and new undies and PJs.

As clean as I can get her with wet wipes and dry, Londo takes her back into bed while I run the peed on stuff down to the washing machine. There was a huge puddle of pee in her bed (thank goodness for waterproof mattress pads, am I right???) and all over her underwear and nightgown. She just peed it all out, as she would have in the diaper.

No harm done. Just disturbed sleep. (Oh, but I couldn't back to sleep for another 30 minutes, and then the Pookie woke up and I was up with him until 5:30!!! URG!) What's new in our house.

We talked about it on Tuesday, reminding her of what she should do in the middle of the night.

Tuesday night, she came into our room about 3:30. Londo and I now had a plan. If she wanted to come in our bed, she now has to use the potty before she does. So when she came in, Londo didn't think she was wet and told her she had to use the potty first. A little arguing, but she ended up going to the potty. But Londo realized that there was actually some pee in her underpants, though not on her nightgown. When I checked, there was also some pee in her bed too.

The good news was that it wasn't nearly as much as the night before. And she did go on the potty and had plenty to go. So she must have felt herself start to pee, stopped herself and then came into our room. I was taking that as a good sign!

Once changed into new undies and PJs, she went to bed with Londo. I put the sheets in the wash, and was able to get back to sleep pretty easily.

Last night, guess what? She came into our room about 2:30 and said, "Daddy! Daddy! I have got to go potty!" Londo took her to the potty, while I checked her bed.

DRY! Underwear, nightgown, sheets, everything! DRY!

And get this: After she used the potty and washed her hands, Londo said, "Okay, time to go back to bed." AND she went into HER room! She layed down in her bed and went back to sleep without anyone with her!

I'm really really hoping that things continue in this trend. I figure there will likely be more middle-of-the-night accidents, but she definitely does not seem to want to lie in it and is listening to her body! Huge wins, in my book! And at night in our house? I will take any win I can get!

Question of the Week - You Be the Parent at Bedtime

A bloggy friend of mine does a really neat series of posts, which she calls You Be the Parent (her older posts were on her previous blog). It's like the Choose Your Own Adventures of parenting decisions. Not only do I like reading them and contributing to them, but I love to read everyone else's answers. It seems like a great way to get lots of opinions, as well as see where you are in the bell curve of people you know.

After approval for totally stealing borrowing the idea, I am doing an edition of You Be the Parent: Bedtime as my Question of the Week this week:

Although your three-year-old daughter has never gone to sleep easily, you worked hard over a couple of months to get her used to going to sleep on her own. You slowly weaned her from being cuddled and sang to in order to get to sleep, to sitting next to her and rubbing her back, to sitting across the room from her while she lied down by herself, to finally her going to sleep on her own without you in the room. To finally get her to do it by herself, you came up with a rewards chart, which had just started to work.

Then a few weeks ago, she stopped going to sleep by herself. In addition to having problems going to sleep, she has been quite a handful lately, and you suspect it might correspond to the sleeping issues. You are trying to re-wean her, and get her to stay in bed so you can start moving towards and then out the door. She is simply not ready to try the rewards chart and prizes at this point.

Bedtime has become miserable. It takes you 1 to 2 hours to get her to sleep, and it involves a lot of arguing, fighting, yelling and crying--and that's just on your part! Your daughter has occasionally hits and one time bit you! You are frustrated and dread bedtimes. Your partner is having an even worse time than you are.

You have spent 3 years and 4 months suffering through long, frustrating bedtimes with your kid. You are at your wit's end. Your husband thinks the process of weaning that worked before simply isn't working anymore. You both are wondering if a drastic change is needed, or if you should stay the course through this period of regression.

Do you:

A) Go back to lying in bed with her and singing her songs/telling stories to get her to sleep, in order to try to get her to sleep quickly and easily. It worked for a long time, it will likely work again.

B) Stay the course with weaning her from parents at bedtime by continuing to try to get her to stay in bed by herself until she is asleep. Eventually move away from the bed and reinstate the rewards chart to get out the door.

C) Try letting her stay up watching shows or playing quietly in her room until she is tired enough to go to sleep without a fight. She'll eventually fall asleep or climb into bed to pass out.

D) Sell her to gypsies or on eBay, whichever will take her first. See if they will also take the dog.

E) Other?

In the words of my friend, I eagerly await your input!

Question of the Week - Good Night, Sleep Tight

I've got so many things I want to post about, so many thoughts and moments I want to get down. However, the time I have for writing them has diminished. I really want to sit down after the kids go to bed and write up my posts and poems that are swimming around in my brain, unfortunately, by the time I get both kids to sleep, I'm exhausted and can't even put two words together.

As I mentioned recently in comments on an Ask Moxie post, I've been working with the Pumpkin to help her learn how to go to sleep by herself. I've taken over this responsibility from Londo, who had been putting her to bed, because I have this going-to-sleep training plan, which requires consistency in it being me and how she responds to me at bedtime. It was going really well, and I planned to write a post about the method I had used to get her to go to sleep all by herself! Then we went on vacation. When we got back, I was back at square one with her. URG!!!

So we are struggling, as seemingly always, with bedtimes in our house. I'm making progress with the Pumpkin, but she takes time for every transition. And although I'm no longer pumping milk for the Pookie, I am still nursing him at nights (and in mornings), so Londo can't just take him for the whole evening. On most nights, I end up putting both kids to bed.

And the Question of the Week is:

How does/do your kid/s go to bed at night?

Right now, I'm sitting on the floor next to the Pumpkin's bed maybe rubbing her back for "just one minute, and that's all" or with my hand not moving on her back. Once I can get her to lie still, that is. Getting her to lie still? That requires a LOT of talking, insisting, counting to three and finally me holding her still (because if she can't hold herself still, I will do it so she can learn how--and so she doesn't keep flinging her less-coordinated-due-to-tiredness body into the wall or off of the bed with accompanying crashes and crying).

For the Pookie, he sometimes falls asleep nursing. But most of the time, he doesn't fall asleep nursing and I put him in his crib awake, where he screams for the first minute, then fusses/cries for a few more minutes as he is lying down, and then passes out cold, usually for the whole night (meaning until after 4, and usually between 5:30 and 6:30)! When he doesn't fall asleep nursing and I try to rock him or walk with him, he just gets more and more awake. If I'm with the Pumpkin too long and the Pookie is exhausted, Londo will put him to bed with a bottle or rocking, but he also puts the Pookie in the crib awake at times. It's amazing to have a tension releaser (a kid who releases tension by crying for a few minutes in order to fall asleep) in the house.

How about your house? Are your kids going to sleep by themselves or do they still need help? Do you and your partner (if you have one) share the bedtime responsibilities? Are you in a regression or are things status quo? Let's all compare without judgement the many ways our children go to sleep!

Question of the Week - Coming Back from Vacation

Did you all miss me? I was on vacation all last week! We went to the beach, which is my favorite place to vacation. I had only intermittent internet, and barely had time to even touch the computer. But that was a nice break for me as well.

I thought I would have time to write some posts offline, posts which have been percolating in my brain for months. And I did write one, which I will probably post later this week. But only one, not the half dozen or more I expected to write. Instead, I spent a lot of real quality time with my kids, my husband, and my parents, as well as my best friend and her family for half the week and my sister and her kids for the other half. It was a great trade.

I’m getting back into the swing of our regular routine. It always takes some time to do so, for me, Londo and the kids. I can’t even remember the last time we had a whole week vacation. Did I take a whole week with the Pumpkin when I was pregnant two winters ago? Possibly, but it could have been a long weekend. Other than that, it would have been the beach vacation two years ago (we didn’t go last year because I was only a couple weeks from my due date with the Pookie during our timeshare week, and I was not willing to chance going into labor while away from my docs and hospital). This was definitely the first whole week vacation since the Pookie was born and the Pumpkin started pre-school.

This week’s question of the week is:

What is the hardest part about getting back into your regular routine after being away from it for a long period of time (a week or more)?

I think for us, it’s probably the sleep, although the readjustment here is in large part to the allowances we had to make to all stay in the same room for a week. We had just been getting the Pumpkin to go to sleep by herself (that’s one of the posts I didn’t get to write yet), and the Pookie was doing really well sleeping through the entire night—and even when he would wake up and fuss, he would usually get himself back to sleep after a few minutes of fussing. Fussing that could have woken the Pumpkin sleeping in the bed with us.

So you see the issues. The Pumpkin was co-sleeping with us, and Londo had to lie down with her to ensure her going to sleep quickly and quietly. Meanwhile I nursed and rocked the Pookie into deep sleep to put him down, and I or Londo would quickly get up at any fussing to quiet him back down and get him back to sleep. These were big set backs, bigger than usual considering the progress we’ve had with both kids, which I will write about soon.

Luckily, our week at the beach is from Friday to Friday, so we had the weekend to help us get back on track in so many ways. The laundry is done, and just needs to be folded and put away. The dishes are… well… manageable, after cleaning out the fridge (holy smokes, there were some gross stuff in there!). We were able to go grocery shopping on Saturday and even make dinners Saturday and Sunday night! What a difference to have the weekend to help us get back into the swing of regular life.

What about you? How do you get back into your regular routines? Any tricks for the really hard stuff? What do you find the hardest about coming back to real life?

Deals and Timing for My Spirited Girl

Two things about my daughter that I always try to keep in mind when she's not doing what she's supposed to or I want her to do and/or I'm getting frustrated with her:
1. She takes in EVERYTHING, even if she doesn't respond right away.
2. She does NOT like to be backed into a metaphorical corner or feeling like she's being forced to do something.

Having read and really identified with the Raising Your Spirited Child book, I paid special attention to the section about negotiations or getting to "yes" (I can't recall right now if that term was in this book or another, but I do know that the idea of it was in this book). You see, with my child you cannot expect that she will do what you tell her to do just because you told her to do it. I don't care who you are or what method you try in order to force her to do it. If she doesn't want to do something, she will. not. do. it!

Instead, I've spent a lot of time coming up on ways to get my girl on board with what I need her to do, or at least to work out a compromise, or "deal" with her. I know lots of parents say they don't negotiate with terrorists, and certainly sometimes she simply HAS to do what we tell her to do, especially for safety reasons and when there are specific rules in place. But in general, I have learned to pick the true battles when necessary and otherwise work out something that will work for me and her. Maybe it's because as funny as it is, I don't consider her a terrorist. To me, she is a little person with needs and desires of her own, but without the ability to ask for them or to understand why she can't or to do so many of the things she wants.

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I'll never forget that first time she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I want a deal." A few months ago when I was working on bedtime seperation (another post coming on that), making many small transitions over a period of time, I would tell her that we could "make a deal" to meet her needs (potty, drink of water, a little snuggle) without moving back to a previous position/action, thereby undoing the transition I had already made. Sometimes, she would take the deal right off, and others she would not take and therefore had a major tantrum/meltdown that I had to sit through without giving in to do only what she wanted. She HATED being backed into a "do this or else" corner, so those types of ultimatums would not work well during these transitions. But by offering her deals she could take was my way of giving her (and myself) a way out of being backed into a corner, a way for both of us to get to a "yes" that worked for us.

One night she really wanted something (maybe water or a snuggle, I don't recall exactly what), but I was insisting she had to stay in bed. Finally, she sat up, and said that she wanted a deal! I hadn't yet offered one cause I was tired and frustrated and didn't think of it. She was heading in the direction of a tantrum--but so was I! When suddenly, she sat up, looked at me, and told me she wanted a deal! Now, she's only starting to figure out how to offer her own deals, but at that point it was a huge break through for her to tell me she wanted one! I quickly came up with something acceptable to both parties, and we got through that bedtime without ANY tantrums!

She had been listening, taking it all in. What I was doing, what I was saying was not just something in the moment, but it was something she was learning and remembering and using. All those nights and days when I offered deals, all those times I had to make myself be patient and stop being frustrated and calmly offer compromises were starting to pay off.

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She was in a mood one morning last week. Easily distracted and not listening or following any instructions. Not doing anything she KNOWS she's supposed to do in the mornings, and doing things she KNOWS she shouldn't be. After finally getting myself, the Pookie and the Pumpkin dressed and ready, we went downstairs for breakfast. While I was fixing oatmeal, she was sitting at the table and appeared to be playing with the basket in which I keep the napkins. But then I realized what exactly she had done/was doing.

She had broken a piece of the basket off and was playing with it. I said, pretty sternly, "Pumpkin! Don't pull pieces off of the basket! You are breaking Mommy's basket." She is currently really big into the idea of "broken" and knows that not everything that is broken can be fixed. I thought that would be sufficient... or maybe I knew it wouldn't be. Either way, I turned away to do the time-sensitive part of adding the oats to the boiling milk. When I looked back, she had broken off another piece! I was so mad! I yelled at her something along the lines of, "You broke off another piece! You are breaking my basket! I'm so mad that you didn't listen to me and are breaking my basket! You cannot play with that basket!" And I took the basket away.

She got upset. She hurried into the family room (open to the kitchen), sat down and started crying. Gah! What am I going to do with that? I'M the one who should be upset! I'M the one that should be comforted. But there was my girl, crying as if I was in the wrong.

I finished stirring the oatmeal, I gave the Pookie more puffs to hold him over, and then I went to my girl and sat down next to her. I was not in the wrong, and I was not going to make it seem like I was. But I always love her and care about her and her feelings, so I was going to address her feelings and mine.

"Pumpkin. Are you upset because I yelled at you?" She didn't answer, but I knew the answer. "You broke Mommy's basket. That made me very upset, because I really like that basket and because I had already told you not to break pieces off. You broke another piece off anyway, and that makes me sad and mad, so I yelled. I would feel a lot better if you said you were sorry." I said. But, and this is key for my daughter, I added, "When you are ready, I would like you to tell me you are sorry for breaking my basket." Then, I quickly moved on, "Are you hungry? The oatmeal is ready. Come on back into the kitchen when you are ready, and we'll have breakfast." I put in one final reminder as I got up, "And when you are ready, I'd like you to say you are sorry."

I went back in, spooned out bowls of oatmeal, sat down and started feeding myself and the Pookie. She was soon in the kitchen, eating her oatmeal, seemingly fine as could be. We were talking and joking around as if nothing happened. It's usually pretty easy for me to let things go and get things back to normal due to my personality or how I was raised or something, and the Pumpkin seems to be similar in this. After a few minutes, I saw her looking at the basket of napkins, which was on the counter now. Without any prompting beyond the times earlier that I mentioned wanting her to say she was sorry when she was ready, she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm sorry I broke your basket."

"Oh, thank you, Pumpkin! That makes me feel so much better to hear you say that!" Then we started talking about the basket a little bit, about how pretty it is and how perfect it is for the napkins. We both decided that we liked the basket and didn't want it to be broken. And that was that.

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The Pumpkin may take her own sweet time in doing things, but I know that she is listening and taking it in. As far as I can tell, very few people like to be backed into a corner of do-it-or-else or even do-what-I-tell-you-because-I-told-you-to. And my intense, persistent, sensitive, perseptive child? She has a good heart and an incredible soul. She just needs the tools and the space and the time to figure things out. I can give her those.

Mother's Day Moments

The Pookie did not have the best night's sleep the night before Mother's Day. Londo helped ease the difficulty of getting him back to sleep at least once. But when the Pookie woke up at 6:00, I was just too tired to get right out of bed. Luckily, he usually entertains himself for about a half hour after waking up for the day, so I went back to sleep.

About 30 minutes later, I woke up and jumped out of bed. The monitor was off, which isn't unusual in the mornings, since I turn it off if he's playing happily in his crib. But the door to our bedroom was shut! With the monitor off, I need the door open so I can hear him when he is really crying and upset and hungry and ready to GET UP. We always leave the door open during the night, but the Pumpkin often shuts it when she comes into bed with us during the night.

And sure enough, as I jumped out of bed, I noticed that the Pumpkin was in our bed. But... Londo wasn't! Oh, Happy Mother's Day to me! Londo got the baby so that I could sleep in. I climbed back in bed, cuddled up with a very snuggly Pumpkin, and went back to sleep.

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Around 7:00, the Pumpkin started stirring. I opened my eyes, and she was smiling at me.

caramama: Did you know it's Mother's Day?
Pumpkin: Oh, it is?
caramama: Yes, it is. Can you tell me "Happy Mother's Day"?
Pumpkin: Happy Mother's Day!
caramama: Oh, thank you!
Pumpkin (after contemplative a moment): Where's Daddy?
caramama: He's downstairs with [the Pookie's real name]. Do you want to go down with them?
Pumpkin: No, I just want to snuggle with you.
caramama (heart melting): Okay.

After a minute or less...

Pumpkin: I want to go downstairs. Do you want to come with me?
caramama (not surprised by this not-unusual turn of events): No, I'm going to sleep in a little bit. You can go downstairs with daddy and [the Pookie's real name].
Pumpkin: Okay. You sleep in a little. I'll rub your back.

Then, she rubbed my back a little bit. I closed my eyes, acting like I was going to sleep and trying so hard to not smile. And then? She leaned over and kissed my cheek! Next, she got up, off the bed, opened the bedroom door, closed it behind her and called out to her Daddy to tell him she wanted to go downstairs (there is a babygate at the top of the stairs that she hasn't completely figured out yet).

Although I wasn't able to fall back asleep, I did lie in bed reading for like an hour or more, while Londo dealt with breakfast, tantrums and general whiny-ness. And when I did go downstairs for breakfast, Londo made me sweet rolls and cheesy eggs, as I requested. Londo gave me cards from him and the kids, and he gave me a gold baby booty charm for the charm bracelet I will eventually have, but for now looks lovely on a necklace chain. It was wonderful morning.

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The Pumpkin's swim class is now on Sundays (which we go to with one of my BFFs and her son). We get in our swim suits before we leave, and take off our outer clothes in the locker room. This week, the Pumpkin wanted to put her flipflops on by herself, but I told her that the ground was dirty and I didn't want her to sit on the floor in the locker room. I told her to sit on the bench. She promptly, without a word, slide off the bench and leaned down, looking like she was going to sit on the floor. I got frustrated at this very common experience of her ignoring what we are telling her to do/not do and trying to do what she wants anyway. I firmly reminded her that I didn't want her sitting on the floor, and I put her back on the bench. She slide off, and as I started to get mad, she finally explained that she wasn't going to sit on the floor. She "just wanted to stand up to put them on." Well, that's a fine compromise, and I told her so and explained why it was a compromise (not sitting on the floor, not sitting on the bench).

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The activities in the swim class are hit or miss with my girl. Some activities she generally likes, some she doesn't. Sometimes she doesn't like the same activity she loved the week before, or vise versa. She never likes to put her head, ears or eyes under the water, and although we've been working on it, I'm not going to push it especially on Mother's Day. Not worth the fight, when I know she'll get there in her own time.

This week, she LOVED jumping off the bench/ledge that's in the water. She puts her arms up "like Supergirl" and jumps to me. She loved this activity so much, that she would jump as soon as I had put her down on the ledge, way before I was ready. I explained that she had to wait until I was ready, and that she should ask me if I'm ready before she jumps. She started doing just that on the very next jump. Which was nice, because through most of the class she didn't listen to what I or the teacher told her to do. She didn't follow any instructions really, and kept hanging on and pulling me.

Near the end of class, she begged to go down the clam slide. She loves slides. The teacher accommodated her request by hurrying through the last activity. Then, we told her she could go down once. She got to the top of the slide, and freaked out. The previous week, she went down it twice, but you land in water at the bottom, and she did NOT like that. So there she was at the top, and she started getting all upset. At the teacher's suggestion, I got her to come around the side of the slide and just put her on halfway and hold her as she went down, making sure she didn't dunk at the bottom. That was a success.

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After swim class, the Pumpkin thinks it's really fun to take a shower in the locker room. I got her shampoo and soap for the shower, and she started taking off her flipflops. I explained that she needed to leave them on in the shower. She tried to take them off anyway. I insisted that if she wanted to shower here, she had to leave them on. She did, and we headed to the shower. Where she promptly turned up the volume on defying, ignoring and arguing with me.

We were maybe in the shower for a minute--two tops!--and I had already told her twice that if she wanted to take a shower there, she had to listen and follow my instructions. I told her that she had one more chance, and if she didn't listen we were going to go home without finishing the shower. Literally, 10 seconds later, she continued arguing/whining, sitting bare-bottomed on the gross floor. She insisted that she didn't want her hair washed. The hair that already had some shampoo in it. The hair that I didn't even finish rinsing off, as I grabbed her off the floor, sobbing and whining. I bundled her in a towel and out of the shower. I explained firm, and angrily, that I was putting her clothes on and my clothes on and then we were leaving. She'd have to shower at home. She kept crying that she wanted a shower there in the locker room. And I basically (and probably verbatim) said too bad.

Do you know how the sound in locker rooms carry and echo? Yeah, that was fun.

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Over the past year, we've tried numerous times to get the Pookie to nap at my parents' house when we are there for family gatherings. But it's like he knows there is all sorts of fun going on elsewhere, and he refuses to sleep! So on Mother's Day I realized that we needed to get that boy a nap at our own house before going to my mom's for a cookout. This was really a good idea.

While he was napping, the Pumpkin and I made pudding, and we got ready to go over. We got over there about 4:30, had some early dinner and played with everyone. It was a good time, made so much better by having a well-rested baby. The Pumpkin is now old enough to go off and play with her cousins, which she did at one point, but she still likes to stay around the adults.

For dessert, my mom had ice cream and toppings available. I had brought the pudding with blackberries to go on top. My husband started dishing out the ice cream, and called out, "Who wants ice cream?" Of course all the kids came running. My girl was one of them, and she was especially interested in the sprinkles/jimmies to go on top. Although this was prior to the Pumpkin's allergy appointment, we had been careful all year long since we first suspected the peanut allergy. So before Londo gave any to her, I reminded him, "Be sure to check the label." My dad said, "There are no nuts in it. It's vanilla!" I responded, "But we have to check to see if there are any nuts in the facility where it was made and packaged." Sure enough, Londo read out loud, "Made in a facility that also contains peanuts, treenuts..."

So no ice cream for the Pumpkin. Luckily, I did have the pudding, and I quickly dished her a bowl and Londo put sprinkles on top, and she was as happy as could be! (Although later I realized that we didn't check the sprinkles' label! Doh!)

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We got home right at bedtime. Londo and I swept the kids straight upstairs and started their bedtime routines. As part of the bedtime routines, the Pumpkin (and now the Pookie) has always given us a hug and kiss goodnight. But lately, the Pumpkin has not wanted to give me one before I go to put the Pookie to bed. In fact, probably every night the week leading up to Mother's Day was without a kiss. I don't believe in forcing them, but I do want it to be part of the bedtime routine.

So that night, I said to her that I would like my hug and kiss while she was on bed. She rolled away from me, as usual. I kneeled down and looked her in the eye and said, "Pumpkin, I've had a really wonderful Mother's Day. You have made it so special for me! What would really be special is if you gave me a hug and kiss goodnight right now. That would make me so happy!" She thought about it for a minute, and then she sat up and gave me a wonderful hug and kiss! A beautiful end to a (mostly) lovely day.

Learning Her Native Language

I'm so fascinated with how my daughter is learning language. As a person who loves languages and words, seeing how a child's language develops first hand is really eye opening to me. I remember when I lived in Italy and spoke italian almost fluently, I was get so mad at myself when I mixed up pronouns or tenses. But watching my child go through those same things, I'm realizing that it is a natural part of learning any language.

We don't expect children to get even their native language correct from the get go. We know that they will say some words wrong, misuse phrases, mix up pronouns and verb tenses, and generally not understand some things that we usually take for granted. We generally aren't unreasonable in our expectations of children. We correct them or let it go when they don't say things right. It takes years and years and YEARS for them to learn their native language fluently, with higher and higher levels of vocabularly and grammar rules and goodness knows what else!

We tell them to "use their words" when they are frustrated/mad/sad, and it's up to us to teach them those words. Teaching them the words for their emotions, their needs and their wants not only helps us understand them and cuts down on their tantrums, but it also allows them to begin to understand their emotions, needs and wants. If you have a "spirited" child like I do, the book Raising Your Spirited Child has really helped me come up with phrases and ways to say things that I am teaching my daughter so that she will understand herself and be able to help other people understand her.

Recently, we've been working on helping her learn how to go to sleep by herself. It's a long process (no Baby Sleep Boot Camp for this child!), and I will post about my methods soon. Part of my strategy is teaching her the words she needs to know to understand what is going on and what she needs to learn. In the last few nights, I've heard her tell me the following:
-I'm having trouble going to sleep.
-It's hard [to go to sleep].
-I'm going to lay down and try to sleep. (I'm still working on lay versus lie with her)
-I just need to cuddle a little in your lap. (She gets back in bed after I cuddle with her a little.)
-I'm ready for you to go now. (She wasn't, but it was still good to hear the words.)

I believe it is because I'm teaching her the words that truly reflect what's going on that I'm hearing less of the follow at bedtime:
-There's a shark in the anchor (pointed to the cords of the window). It's going to eat me!
-I'm scared to lay down.
-Nooooo! Lay down with me!
-Go away! (and a second later) Don't leave!

And apparently, I'm also teaching her how to say some things simply because I say them all the time. These include:
-Hey--as in, "Hey, everybody!", "Hey, that's not right!", and "Hey! Hey! Hey!" (to get attention).
-Cannot--as in, "No, you cannot do that." I'd heard Londo say to her, "Embrace the use of the contraction," and I couldn't figure out why she was always using cannot instead of can't. Until I heard myself tell her, "No, you cannot do that!" one day. Aha!
-Actually--as in, "Actually, it does fit you." Actually, I have realized I use this word a ton. Actually, it's really cute when she says it, too. Actually, I have no plans to stop saying it.
-Oh my gosh--as in, "Oh my gosh! Those are so cute!" which she said about the clothes I picked out for her this morning, even though she "actually" didn't want to wear the shirt I had picked out. She has always loved to make the surprised face and sound, and now she's added oh my gosh.

But some cute phrases she has either picked up somewhere else or developed on her own. My favorite one lately is:
-By my own. As in, she came up with that one by her own. Not on her own or by herself. She wants to do things by her own. And I love it!

All my observations about how her speech and language develops is making me want to re-learn italian or maybe even another language too. I think I will feel less inhibited about speaking now that I realize that making mistakes and not speaking perfectly is a natural part of learning a language. And maybe I'll come up with some cute little phrases in italian all by my own!

Cabin Fever Can Be Worse Then Body Fever

After 5 days of running a fever, two doctor's appointments, two prescriptions and more doses of motrin than I care to count, my daughter's fever finally broke in the wee hours of Monday night. I have never felt such relief at feeling my girl crawl into bed with us before. She didn't come into our bed until 3:30 (the fever nights, she came in much earlier), and when she did settle in between Londo and me, I felt her neck and back and knew the fever was gone. We confirmed it in the morning with an ear thermometer.

The doctor last week said that she had an ear infection in her left ear. In fact, she said it as soon as she looked in that ear, and then noted that there wasn't an infection in the other ear as she looked in that. She put her on amoxicillian because the Pumpkin hadn't had an ear infection since December. She said if she still had a fever after 3 or 4 days, bring her back. We went back in on Monday, when another doctor determined that the left ear was now clear, but she had developed an ear infection in her right ear. While on the antibiotics. And her lungs didn't sound good.

RED FLAG! I (and I'm assuming all parents) get extremely concerned when I hear "her lungs don't sound good." Likely an infection, but not yet progressed to anything more. She prescribed a heavy duty antibiotic in another family, which we were to give the Pumpkin while continuing the amoxicillian. It's a good think the Pumpkin loves to take medicine.

So we were very relieved that the Pumpkin's fever finally broke and that she was seeming more herself. Problem was that we still needed to keep her out of school on Tuesday to make sure she really was better and that whole keep-out-for-24-hours-after-fever-breaks rule.

Did I mention that the Pumpkin was seeming more herself? Which means that her energy levels were back to normal. Scratch that. They were higher than normal because she had no activity for 5 days. This was the 6th day of her being housebound, and she was Trouble (note the capital T).

As Londo later said, any doctor would have diagnosed her with ADHD if they'd seen her that day. She could not, for one minute, stay still or focus or listen or behave or... well, you get the picture. She'd watched way too much TV when sick, and she had no interest in any shows or movies. She did not want to really play any games, unless it involved being very physical and exerting a lot of energy. Energy which neither Londo nor I had, since we are both now sick and had to juggle trying to work and are exhausted from caring for sick kids.

The worst part of yesterday for me was the Pumpkin hitting. She was frustrated and full of pent up energy. And quite frankly, she was full of mischief. She kept having tantrums, and then she kept hitting me. We progressed from her "taking a break" to "time outs" to (and I quote myself here) "I need a break from you!" It was not good.

I started the conversation with her about impulses: what they are and that she needs to control them and how she needs to think before she does things. Etc, etc, etc. I'm hoping it will start to sink in. Sometimes it seems to, sometimes it doesn't. She really isn't responding to time outs. In fact, she got out of the time out chair just to hit me. I'm worry that she can't focus on anything but what she's NOT supposed to be doing while she's sitting in time out.

Last night was more of the same. All. Night. Long. We really didn't sleep much at all. She just had all this energy and mischief and discomfort. It was an awful night. I was so happy to drop her off at school this morning, because she is out of the house, playing with friends and going to get time on the playground to get that energy out.

One thing this experience made me realize is that this girl will need to be in sports all year round. She cannot handle sitting still and in the same place day after day without a way to get her energy out.

She is amazing and can do so much with that energy level, curiosity, persistence and intelligence. It's my job to help her figure out how to channel these qualities for good. Not mischief.

My Cuddlicious Plushie

The Pookie's diaper leaked in the middle of the night a few days ago. I think it was about 1:30, and he was wailing. I got him out of the crib, took his sleeper off and changed his diaper, with him screaming the whole time. He was REALLY upset. Probably because I turned the light on when I realized there was a big wet spot in his crib.

Although I had originally planned to change him and change his sheets before nursing him, he was so upset that I ditched that plan once I had him in a new diaper. I knew he was hungry and needed to calm down, for his sake and the sake of his sister sleeping in the room next door. So I cradled him in my arms, sat in the glider and started to nurse him, while he was just in his diaper.

OMG, that boy is SO cuddly! His skin is so soft it's like butter. He has just fattened up a bit, in preparation for the coming growth spurt and for crawling, which his is so close to doing. So many of his features have that adorable round-baby quality. He is, in a word, plush.

I relish this age and stage of babyhood: when he is physically soft and tender, when he is babbling with intent, when he wants to snuggle into me when I hold him. I've said before that I don't particularly enjoy being pregnant or the infant stage. But this stage? I LOVE.

I did finish getting him into a new sleeper, changing the sheets, turning off the light, nursing him on the other side and then "burping him" which was really a bit of cuddle with his head nuzzling into my neck. When I put him back in his crib, he stretched his neck, adjusted his back and fell back asleep.

While I do miss cosleeping with him lying on my arm, we both are sleeping better with him in his crib and me in my bed. And I still get 2-4 times a night to nurse and cuddle with him in the glider. Sometimes, I even get to snuggle his smooth, soft, plush naked skin.

Question of the Week - Middle of the Night Tantrums

Update at bottom.

This week's question of the week comes from a comment mom2boys left in Friday's post:

"Anyone have a way they handle middle of the night tantrums? He used to wake up and want me to lay down with him but now he's waking up and wanting to get up - at 2 in the morning and pitching a HUGE fit when I tell him he can't. Hard to use distraction or just ignore it. I'm at a loss."

Middle of the night tantrums. My favorite! Sigh... We just got through a period of constant middle of the night tantrums, as in pretty much EVERY night. We are now down to the occasional one, which is much more manageable though still incredibly frustrating. I'm pretty sure it's a normal stage/phase of development, since I know of many around this age who have been through it.

In fact, last Friday night I got to deal with one. My absolutely fantastic SIL came over to spend the night, as she is doing one night a week to help us out. She took the bottles and bottle warmer and was on baby duty all night. I sent Londo to the basement to get a full night's sleep. And I was responsible for the Pumpkin. And of course she had a meltdown that night because she wanted her aunt to come put her back to bed, not Mommy! But her aunt was feeding the Pookie, and she had to just get over it anyway. So yeah, we still get these and I still have to deal with them.

The main way that I deal with them is by telling her what she CAN do (options are usually sleeping in her bed or in Mommy and Daddy's bed) and letting her have her meltdown. I stay nearby, and I make sure she stays in either my room or hers with the door shut (hoping to disturb the baby as little as possible). She loves to go in the hall and scream and meltdown there. Londo or I usually grab her and drag her into a room and shut the door.

The problem of course is that she just won't be reasoned with in the middle of the night. I pretty much just let her sob and protest, but insist that she be quiet and stay in a room--and that goes about as well as you think it does. Usually it doesn't take too long for her to simmer down to a reasonable level of upset-ness. Then I or Londo reiterate her choices, and she eventually picks one.

I guess it's pretty much the same as we handle them during the day, but with probably less patience due to being half asleep. And truth be known, during the worst of it we have just put on a TV show for her as long as she's in our bed lying down and being quiet.

How about you all? How do you handle those dreaded middle of the night tantrums? What does your kid scream about? What do you scream back? On second thought, maybe don't share what you scream back. This is a family friendly blog!

Please share any ideas, tips or sympathy for mom2boys!

Update: I meant to share a link with everyone, although some of you also regularly read Bella's site, Child of Mind. This post she devoted to dealing with temper tantrums.

Baby Sleep Boot Camp, Part II

My first Baby Sleep Boot Camp post was really all about our preparation for doing Baby Sleep Boot Camp.

But I have to say that by Friday night, I was exhausted and unsure of what we were doing. I felt like the baby was crying a lot, even though we were holding him and physically giving him comfort. I was uncomfortable in this new paradigm. The Pookie is such a different baby than the Pumpkin was, and I was just so confused about what was best for him.

So Friday night, when he woke up the first time, I just went to bed with him in the guest room and coslept with him all night. Which was miserable. He nursed all night long again, I didn't get any good sleep, and it felt like we were moving in the wrong direction. This just wasn't right for him or me anymore. I was back on board with doing Baby Sleep Boot Camp.

In order for both Londo and me to concentrate on the Pookie and his sleep, as well as our sleep, we set up a sleepover for the Pumpkin at my parents house Saturday night and Sunday night. This was especially important because the Pumpkin has been going through (yet another) sleep regression. I know it's the regression right before the next developmental leap around her 3rd birthday, but it's been a tough one in many ways. During the regressions, her sleep always goes totally out the window. So she's waking up crying and having fits and needing us, and that wakes the baby up. Or we've been trying to keep the baby quiet so he doesn't wake the Pumpkin up! Either way, we needed her sleeping elsewhere so we could focus on him.

Saturday night, after Londo dropped the Pumpkin off at my parents and I had put the Pookie to bed by walking him (he fell asleep within 5 minutes of walking with really no crying for the second night in a row!), my SIL came over to spend the night and help us out. She is planning to do this once a week for a while. We are eternally grateful!

When my SIL got to our house, we sat down with her and talked to her about what we had done in preparation for the night, from how we've been putting him to bed to how long we want to wait between feedings to the bottles of expressed milk we had set up (in a cooler in the bathroom across from the nursery, along with the bottle warmer) to when to come get me.

Because with the Pumpkin out of the house and someone taking night duty with the Pookie? We were going into the basement to sleep on the couches down there, far enough so that we wouldn't hear any crying. This was my SIL's intent: to give us a full night of sleep! We wanted, make that NEEDED to take her up on it. My plan was to set an alarm and wake up twice to pump, and otherwise sleep!

At this point, my SIL suggested that after giving him a bottle, she put him down awake and check in on him every 5 minutes or so if he was crying. Instinctively, I did not feel ready for this. But as the three of us talked it out, I realized that he was screaming when we were just holding him. Let me remind you that unless I was nursing him or sleeping with him, he has almost never soothed himself and gone to sleep. We've been trying to rock, bounce, walk, etc. with him, and the walking had just started working, but only when I first put him to bed. So if he's screaming in our arms for an hour, why not try and be there for him verbally and with physical closeness but not holding him?

We agreed to let my SIL try this method of controlled crying/fussing. We tried something similar with the Pumpkin, and it REALLY didn't work. But the Pookie doesn't not ramp up with crying the way she did. So maybe it would work for him. And if it didn't, it was only one night. One night of someone else willing to care for him and listen to him cry and be there for him and give us a night to sleep.

It worked. It wasn't perfect, no crying, sleeping through the night. But it worked!

The first time she put him down, he cried/fussed on and off for about 30-40 minutes. We had said if he was crying/fussing for an hour, then feed him again/pick him up/get us--whichever felt right to her. But it didn't make it to that point, and he was not getting really worked up. The second time she put him down awake, he didn't even fuss but fell asleep. The third time was the same as the first, except way more on the fussing side than the crying side. The fourth time he woke up, it was almost 6:00 and Londo and I were dying to know how the night went, so we all just got up then (although my SIL took a nap before leaving later that morning).

As for my night, I slept 4 HOURS IN A ROW before waking to pump the first time. And actually, I woke up just before my alarm when I heard walking above me, which would mean that my SIL was in the kitchen. So after I pumped, I went up to see what was up. My SIL had left the cooler and a note in the kitchen saying that she was out of bottles, so if I had more milk, please put it in bottles in the cooler and bring back up to the bathroom. Which I did. Then I slept for another 3.5 HOURS IN A ROW!!! I woke up at 5:30 to pump again, and like I said previously, Londo and I went upstairs around 6:00 to see how it went. Londo slept like a log all night long!

Not only was the night of sleep fantastic, but we had two major Doh discoveries:

1. The Pookie really is hungry during the night! He's not just nursing for comfort or to fall back asleep. He drank ALL the bottles I made for him. That was 10 ounces by 1:00 alone! So no wondering my feeding him one side and then trying to put him back to bed or going back to sleep with him next to me was not working. He was waking up still hungry in an hour or less. So now I know to feed him both sides when he wakes up. And that we needed to be giving him something more to help fill him up, since I can make only so much milk.

2. This method of sleep training really will work well for him. In fact, it will likely work better than holding him, since that seemed to be working him up more than leaving him in the crib.

So Sunday night, we continued this method, in addition to my being sure to feed him on both sides when he woke up and it was time to eat. It worked even better the second night than it had the first night! There was only one time I had to go in because he cried/fussed more than 5 minutes, and then he went to sleep just after that! And one time, he feel right asleep with no fussing at all! And he has been sleeping for 2 hours or longer since I've been feeding him both sides when he wakes. We are amazed!

Also, on Sunday night we started him on rice cereal at dinner time (which is usually an hour or less before bedtime). While I prefer the baby-led weaning/feeding method that worked great for the Pumpkin, it was becoming apparent that it wasn't working as well for the Pookie. We had noticed how frustrated he would get when he had to work to put the food in his mouth. He seemed hungry and upset that he couldn't get faster satisfaction. Add that to the fact that I haven't been pumping enough milk to keep up with his daytime demands, none to provide any nighttime bottles and my freezer stash was almost completely gone--well, it was time to either supplement with formula (which I didn't want to have to do) or try feeding him some cereal. This has been working really well, and he now eats the rice cereal or cream of wheat with some finger foods 2-3 times a day and seems very pleased about this.

So Baby Sleep Boot Camp went really well. We have found a way to work with the Pookie in getting to sleep and sleeping better that works for him. Although it is just outside of my comfort zone, I totally realize that this is best for him, me, Londo and our family. And having a "boot camp" where we focused just on him for two nights in a row was so perfect for our situation!

We've continued this method all this week, and it's been going well. There has been really only one bout of his crying/fussing for about 20 minutes, but most of the time he fusses for maybe a minute and then either falls asleep or babbles to himself for a few minutes before falling asleep. He's even been breaking out of his swaddle and still sleeping! And he's been waking up less often, usually about 3 times a night with the first time being before I go to sleep. Which means I'm only getting up 2 TIMES A NIGHT!

I'm getting more and better quality sleep than I have in over 7 months. I'm not worrying about the Pumpkin waking up the baby or worrying about both of them in our bed together. The Pookie seems to be sleeping better. It's been great.

I fully expect there to be sleep regressions and set backs. That's the norm with kids. But figuring out what works for him and seeing how well it works is going to be an important tool in our parenting toolbox. And now that the Pumpkin is almost 3 and starting to understand more, we (mostly Londo, who is really in charge of her at night) are beginning to work with her on her sleep. She might need a boot camp (although using a method that will work for her) soon, too, but it will be easier to work with her when we've got the other kid sleeping/going to sleep so much better!

Baby Sleep Boot Camp, Part I

So this weekend, we had Baby Sleep Boot Camp. And let me tell you, it went pretty well! But let me start at the beginning.

We don't just sit around and complain about our crappy sleep in my house. I mean, we do, but we ALSO try to do things to improve it. With the Pumpkin, we tried just about everything except full-fledged cry it out (CIO). We did try some fuss it out (FIO), but sleep training along those lines simply was not right for the Pumpkin. We long ago came to the realization that she was not born with any self-soothing skills. She would be calmed only by a person holding her/lying with her/rocking/etc. The times we let her cry of fuss for a while were disasterous. Crying only increased her tension. But whatever, we have figured out what generally works for her, and it's been generally fine.

Then the Pookie was born into our lives, and our nights took on another layer. Not only does this boy simply LOVE to nurse, but as an infant it seemed to be the only was to get him to sleep. We did see that he had potential to be a better sleeper, including some ability to self-soothe and sometimes take a pacifier. He has a different personaly and different issues than the Pumpkin. And we figured out what generally worked for us.

Until recently. Recently, what was working is no longer working. For the Pumpkin, for the Pookie, for Londo and for me.

It appears to me that when the Pookie goes through a growth spurt, he starts nursing a lot more at night. For a while, he was waking up every hour to nurse. When he recently went through the 6 month growth spurt, he started basically nursing all. night. long. I thought it might be the teething or the comfort or whatever else, and I tried just cosleeping with him thinking the nearness was what he needed. And some nights it was okay. But more and more, he was nursing all night. I generally don't have a problem cosleeping, but I am apparently not good with all-night nursing. I am not able to get any real sleep when he does that.

After almost 7 months of very little in the way of decent sleep, including only a handful of times sleeping longer than 2 hours in a row, something was about to give. It was most likely my sanity, which is hanging on by a thread. It was time to close the all-night mommy milk bar and in. But I was having trouble doing that while cosleeping. Also, I was having a lot of trouble getting him off the nipple. Every time he fell asleep and I popped my nipple out of his mouth, he'd wake up and fuss around trying to find it. This was making it harder and harder to put him down in his crib, where I'd been starting him off for the night in his nursery because I need just a little time for myself and for the dishes and such.

Right when I was about to completely lose my mind, my brother's wife made the most awesome offer. In a pay-it-forward gesture, she basically insisted on coming over one night a week to take nighttime duty. Her twins are 3.5 years old and have been sleeping through the night for a long time now. When they were babies and she wasn't getting much sleep, one of her friends came over one night a week and did the same for her.

Londo and I quickly told her we'd take her up on the offer, but first we had to do some work to get the Pookie ready for someone else to put to bed/get back to bed.

So a week ago Sunday, I started changing the pattern of putting him to sleep and trying to set some time limits between his feedings. I started by feed him with the lights on at bedtime. After he was done eating, I would change him and wrap him up in his swaddle (yes, he's still swaddled, something we are going to work on soon). Then I would walk with him, bounce him or rock him to sleep. I decided that I would reserve the rocking chair for nursing in order to establish cues for when he's getting fed and when he is not. So when I'd rock him to sleep, it was on my lap sitting on the bed in the nursery. I also tried to give him the pacifier, which he would take about half the time.

The first night, he was full and content and fell asleep pretty easily. The next four nights, it was like he figured out what was going on and wasn't happy about it. He fussed and cried and squirmed and fussed some more. One night wasn't so bad, but then the dog made a big noise and started him awake, and it took almost an hour to get him back to sleep. BUT Friday and Saturday night, he feel asleep pretty easily while I was walking him. I'm talking within 5 minutes, with a pacifier, fast asleep. I put him down, and he stayed asleep.

I've been amazed! It's like the whole sleep training thing really does work for some kids!

The other aspect of our prepping this week was that I wanted to wait 2 hours between feedings. So if he woke up and it had been less than 2 hours since I feed him, Londo or I would go in and walk him, rock him or bounce him. If he kept crying for an hour, I would go ahead and feed him (because it would have been about 2 hours at that point anyway, and he would have worked up an appetite by then even if he hadn't been hungry originally). At this point, I would let him fall asleep nursing and put him down asleep.

After 11:00 or so, I was tired and would just nurse him cosleeping. I tried to put him back in his crib a few times, but he would wake up and fuss and I didn't have the energy to walk him back to sleep.

But we had moved forward into new territory. He was falling asleep better and starting to figure out how to fall asleep without being nursed. And Saturday night, we were going to start Baby Sleep Boot Camp!

Story continued in Baby Sleep Boot Camp, Part II

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly End of the Year

The last full night of 2009 was a very weird one for us. It was good. It was bad. And it was ugly.

The Good
The Pookie slept over seven hours in a row! I put him down just after 7:00 in his crib in the nursery. He made some coughing noises around 9:00 when I was going to sleep, but that was all. He didn't actually wake up and fuss until 2:20 - 2:30 (on and off fussing before I actually went in). We were absolutely amazing by this, since he hasn't slept longer than 3 hours on his own before, and usually he's up every 2 hours or less.

Although it seems incredible, don't celebrate for me yet. Keep reading...

The Bad
Around 12:30, the Pumpkin came into our room. This was a bit frustrating, because she had been pretty much sleeping through the night for the previous week. She had been waking up early, like 5:00ish, but then lying in bed quietly with us. I had hoped we were done for a while with the middle-of-the-night wakeups, but apparently not quite yet.

The good part about it was that she went almost immediately back to sleep, so there was minimal disruption to our night.

However, it was really uncomfortably hot in the house. I got up to turn down the thermostat and check on the baby, who had been sleeping over 5 hours at this point. I went in, put my hand on him and felt him and saw him breathing, so I went back to bed.

Not so bad, I know. Keep reading...

The Ugly
When the Pookie finally woke up, I went in to feed him and planned to put him back down in his crib. When I lifted him out of the crib, he felt all wet behind his neck and back. My first thought was that sure was sweating a lot, even though I had turned the air down two hours ago.

Then the smell hit me. I quickly realized it was vomit. I picked him up carefully, turned on the light and surveyed the major puddle of drying vomit my child had been sleeping in.

Very gross.

He seemed totally fine otherwise, though it's odd to me that he slept through the vomiting and laid in his own vomit without really waking or fussing about. Especially since he seems to wake up and fuss about EVERYTHING ELSE!

He was fine through my nursing him, my cleaning him up with a quick sink bath, my putting him in a clean sleeper, my changing the sheets while he was entertained by a music-playing toy and my nursing him back to sleep. I ended up putting him back to sleep in his swing because of the time of night and to keep him more upright. It took an hour and a half, but I was pretty well rested and able to deal with it all fine.

Edited to add:We don't know why he threw up. He didn't have a temperature and doesn't seem sick. But it was really hot in the house, and the nursery is the hottest room in the house. Was it the heat? Was it the banana he had at dinner? Was it the soy I now have in my diet to replace the cow's milk? Did the pacifier gag him in some way? Is it some sort of stomach bug? We have no clue, and our doctor's office said that they aren't worried unless he throws up again or shows other signs of sickness.

And on a bad mother note: I'm not sure which is worse: waking up every 2 hours or less, or cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night after sleeping 5 hours with very little disruption! Actually, I do know what's better for me, but it's not better for the baby to sleep in vomit for hours. ;-)

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful New Year's Eve and that your 2010 is filled with a lot of Good, very little Bad and no Ugly!

Growing Boy

The Pookie is growing. He turned 6 months yesterday, and that's a big milestone in the life of babies. A big milestone for growing. There is a 6-month growth spurt. There is a developmental (growth) spurt around the 6-month mark. And there are teeth growing in--well about to come in anyway.

Growing, growing, growing. And growing physically requires more to eat. And growing developmentally requires comfort. And growing in teeth requires pain-easement. And in a breastfeeding relationship, all these things generally boil down to nursing for nurishment, comfort and to ease any pains.

And do you know what my baby boy loves above all else in the world even when everything is hunky dory? To NURSE! Yes, he does.

So can you guess what we are doing all. the. freaking. time? You got it. Nursing.

But remember how Mommy goes to work all day long? Yeah, it's causing some problems. The two major ones being:
1. I'm not pumping enough to cover what he is eating during the day. This means my precious freezer stash is running precariously low. It also means that I am going to have to start pumping more at work and/or at home. Ugh.
2. The baby boy basically wants to nurse all night long. Nothing else will do.

I remember when the Pumpkin went through these stages where she'd nurse all night long. It was frustrating and tiring and hard on me, and it is right now as well. But I know that it's just a phase, and I can already see he's grown physically and developmentally. The teeth haven't come in yet, but they will. This phase will end.

Until then, we are working on other methods of nurishment and comfort for him. We've started him on solids, using the baby-led weaning/feeding method we did with the Pumpkin. So far, we've given him avacodos and bananas. He has no idea what to do with the food, but he'll figure it out. He seems to enjoy tasting the foods, even though he doesn't swallow anything.

I'm also starting to try and help him discover his hand/fingers to suck on at night, instead of my nipples. He used to take the pacifier at least a little, but is now rejecting it completely. So instead, I'm hoping he learns to self-soothe with an arm and hand unswaddled. We'll see.

On the bright side of all the growing, he is now rolling over back-to-front and front-to-back with abandon. Although not yet crawling, he is shifting, rolling and squirming all around. He's getting really close to staying sitting up on his own. He's really capable with his hands and manipulating all sorts of things with hands and fingers.

Also, his careless babbling has now become very deliberate attempts at making noises and trying to talk ("di DI da da DA"). And he is usually laughing and smiling and generally pretty easy and happy. As long as he's well-rested and well-fed. He loves watching his sister and his dog, and he's starting to be fun to interact with for them too!