Mama's Boy

Recently, Londo pointed out that the Pookie is definitely easier for me than for him. We've known this and talked about it before. It's been true since his birth, really. He's just always been a mama's boy.

Of course we are both very attached and bonded with both kids, but this is a different set of relationships. When the Pumpkin goes through clingy phases, she generally clings to either me or Londo. Since she was an infant, either one of us was able to calm her down. But with the Pookie? It's me he wants more often than not.

For example, when the Pookie was just an infant, Londo could not get him to sleep. He tried everything! All the things that worked with the Pumpkin and then some, and yet nothing worked. The boy wanted his mama, and usually to nurse. When I needed to get a chunk of sleep, I would have to nurse that boy into a deep, deep sleep and then very carefully pass him over to Londo who would hold him until he woke up hungry again, giving me a couple of hours by myself until the Pookie settled back into my arms for the rest of the night.

As an older baby and as a toddler now, he still will fuss and fret for Londo way more than me. When I get home from work, walk in the door and pick the boy up, he's as happy as can be. That is often when Londo informs me that he's been fussing non-stop and nothing Londo or even the Pumpkin did could make him happy. At those times, I love to look at my wonderful husband like he's crazy and say, "What are you talking about? He's perfectly happy!" Hehe.

Last night, I had to work late. I got home just barely in time to see my boy before Londo took him in the nursery to get him to sleep. He practically leaped out of Londo's arms into mine, which is his preferred way to get to me. He immediately cuddled all into my shoulder, tucking his arms into my body in just the same way he does when I rock or walk him to sleep. His whole body relaxed into mine. He was happy.

Then I transferred him back to Londo. I still had my work clothes on, and the Pookie was really exhausted, so Londo needed to continue putting him to bed right then. Of course, the boy freaked! out! He screamed at the top of his lungs, and it was really hard for me to not grab him back and tuck him back into my arms. Ah, mother's instinct. But Londo got him to sleep very quickly and easily without me.

It's very sweet to have a child who clings to me like that. It's a special relationship, and it is very heart warming. But it's not without its down side.

About once a week lately, the Pookie is waking up in the middle of the night. It seems to be related to his molars coming through, but it could also be some developmental spurt/regression/wonder week. When he wakes up fully, he requires one of his parents to get him back to sleep, and it takes 1.5 hours.

Many times, Londo goes in first and spends 45 minutes or more (depending on how much he can take and the time of the night) trying to get him back to sleep. If he's not back asleep, Londo gets me to take over. There have been other nights/early mornings when I've gone in the whole 1.5 hour, trying to doze in the glider while holding the boy. I don't think it would work AT ALL for me to go in for some of that time and then get Londo. He would pretty much freak out, because once he has me, he wants only me.

So last night, the Pookie woke up fussing and didn't settle back down. I woke up Londo to go in and get him. Once Londo made his way down to the nursery, I heard the Pookie go from general fussy-crying to screaming! Moments later, Londo comes back into our room.

"He freaked out when I tried to get him. He crawled to the opposite side of the crib, as far from me as possible. When I picked him up anyway, he head-butted me!" Londo said.

I was already getting out of bed. I was exhausted and barely able to move (it was the time of night when I have the most difficulty getting up for any reason, and that's why Londo gets him at that time). But I made my way down the hall and into the nursery.

The minute I stepped into the nursery, the Pookie stopped fussing and held his arms up. He just wanted his mama. Today I'm exhausted and my legs ache for having spent 1.5 hours not-sleeping while rocking in that darn glider. But sometimes the boy just wants his mama. And I'm okay with that.

Nobody Likes It When Mommy Yells

This morning was not a good one. It was on the heels of another rough night, with the Pookie sick or teething so up a lot and the Pumpkin having bad dreams or something and up also. I only mention the rough night to set the stage.

You see, I was grumpy and had very little patience this morning, which I told her as soon as I got up. So when the Pumpkin wouldn't wash her hands? Even though she knows the rule is to wash her hands after potty/diaper changes and before playing with her brother? And I had reminded her, told her she had to, and otherwise said it was going to happen a few times already? I just picked her up and forcibly washed her hands.

It wasn't my best strategy, since it resulted in a 10 minute meltdown on her part, which not only included red-faced crying, but also what can only be called screeching. Normally, I do some version of the "you can do it yourself by the count of 3, or I'm going to do it" or playful parenting to get the job done. But I was tired and cranky and just did it. I didn't apologize, because I had told her numerous times to do it. Just the same, I should have had more patience and used a different method to get it done so I wouldn't have to deal with the resulting meltdown.

But we resolved that. I told her if she couldn't stop yelling/shriking, I was going into the nursery to nurse the baby because it was distracting him. She could come get us when she was done. And she did, with tears in her eyes and arms outstretched for a hug. We moved on.

Although we had some fun playing and brushing teeth, getting her dressed was a trial. She was all "No!" and running off and grabbing things out of bags. I just lost my patience again and yelled, really yelled, "Quit getting into things and get dressed!"

Her face fell, and the tears started up again. But this wasn't the pissed off screaming. She was upset that I yelled, which isn't something I do often. I immediately picked her up, hugged her and apologized. "I'm sorry I yelled. I shouldn't have yelled. I just lost my patience."

She sobbed, "That's okay, Mommy."

I carried her into her room and started to get her dressed, and she squirmed off my lap and was about to run off again. So this time, I thought I'd warn her.

"Pumpkin, I'm losing my patience and am about to start yelling again."

Well, lo and behold, that worked! She turned around and let me get her dressed. I reminded her that I didn't have much patience this morning and was grumpy and needed her to cooperate with me.

She doesn't want me to yell. I don't want to yell. But when she is not cooperating and I'm cranky? I lose my patience. I don't remember my normal strategies. I'm not a playful parent. No, I yell and force her to do things. It happens.

But warning her that I was losing my patience and going to yell actually got her to work with me. I certainly don't recommend anyone follow the path I took this morning in general. As I talked about with my sister this morning, I don't want to threaten her with yelling. What I really wanted to do was to show her what was going on with me, get her to realize that when she doesn't listen or cooperate when I really need her to that I will get upset, and when I get really upset, I will yell. I want her to see it coming so she can learn to distinguish it herself. I'm also trying to model the ability to voice emotions and recognize what those emotions make people want to do.

I'm teaching life skills!

Question of the Week - Middle of the Night Tantrums

Update at bottom.

This week's question of the week comes from a comment mom2boys left in Friday's post:

"Anyone have a way they handle middle of the night tantrums? He used to wake up and want me to lay down with him but now he's waking up and wanting to get up - at 2 in the morning and pitching a HUGE fit when I tell him he can't. Hard to use distraction or just ignore it. I'm at a loss."

Middle of the night tantrums. My favorite! Sigh... We just got through a period of constant middle of the night tantrums, as in pretty much EVERY night. We are now down to the occasional one, which is much more manageable though still incredibly frustrating. I'm pretty sure it's a normal stage/phase of development, since I know of many around this age who have been through it.

In fact, last Friday night I got to deal with one. My absolutely fantastic SIL came over to spend the night, as she is doing one night a week to help us out. She took the bottles and bottle warmer and was on baby duty all night. I sent Londo to the basement to get a full night's sleep. And I was responsible for the Pumpkin. And of course she had a meltdown that night because she wanted her aunt to come put her back to bed, not Mommy! But her aunt was feeding the Pookie, and she had to just get over it anyway. So yeah, we still get these and I still have to deal with them.

The main way that I deal with them is by telling her what she CAN do (options are usually sleeping in her bed or in Mommy and Daddy's bed) and letting her have her meltdown. I stay nearby, and I make sure she stays in either my room or hers with the door shut (hoping to disturb the baby as little as possible). She loves to go in the hall and scream and meltdown there. Londo or I usually grab her and drag her into a room and shut the door.

The problem of course is that she just won't be reasoned with in the middle of the night. I pretty much just let her sob and protest, but insist that she be quiet and stay in a room--and that goes about as well as you think it does. Usually it doesn't take too long for her to simmer down to a reasonable level of upset-ness. Then I or Londo reiterate her choices, and she eventually picks one.

I guess it's pretty much the same as we handle them during the day, but with probably less patience due to being half asleep. And truth be known, during the worst of it we have just put on a TV show for her as long as she's in our bed lying down and being quiet.

How about you all? How do you handle those dreaded middle of the night tantrums? What does your kid scream about? What do you scream back? On second thought, maybe don't share what you scream back. This is a family friendly blog!

Please share any ideas, tips or sympathy for mom2boys!

Update: I meant to share a link with everyone, although some of you also regularly read Bella's site, Child of Mind. This post she devoted to dealing with temper tantrums.

Mornings with Two Kids

In our family, I've got the morning shift. I have ever since the Pumpkin was born. Londo has a long commute to work that goes much better if he leaves by 6:30, so he's usually gone or leaving right as we get up. So just about every weekday morning, it's me getting the two kiddos and myself ready for the day, fed breakfast, the Pumpkin to school and myself to work.

A few weeks ago, I had started writing a post about the fun mornings we were having. I wanted to record some of the tricks games I use to get us moving, including "racing crocodiles" when we are in a hurry. (I would tell the Pumpkin that we had to hurry and she would say, "Before the crocodiles get us!" So we played that on many mornings to get her moving along.) The Pumpkin also became a little minnie-me for a while, wanting to do everything I was doing from brushing our teeth together to pretending to put on makeup. Meanwhile, the Pookie would hang out in his swing in the bathroom or the bassinet part of the cosleeper where he would watch the mobile or play with toys. And often, the Pumpkin would play with the Pookie by swinging him, reading him book, handing him toys or making silly faces while I finished up one thing or another.*

But before I could finish writing the post and publish it, the good times came to a screeching halt. The regression that the Pumpkin was just kind of in came on full force. The sleeping through the night stopped (of course it did). The steps towards getting her on the potty in the mornings turned into complete meltdowns just trying to change her diaper. Her getting herself dressed in the mornings became frustrated struggles for her and tantrums when I had to end up helping because she just couldn't do it herself anymore. Breakfast was almost always miserable because this wasn't just right or she wanted something we didn't have, and she was unconsolable. The contrariness and meltdowns were constants throughout our mornings from the times we woke up to the times I tried to leave her at school. There were many times I carried her screaming into the car just to get to school, although once I left her at school she had a great time.

Meanwhile, the Pookie was still hanging out in the swing or the bassinet. He did/does have some issues. He was getting too big and heavy for the swing, but he didn't like not being with us in the bathroom. Also, although he is fine hanging out on his own for a good while, he can go only so long before he needs attention and to be held and/or nursed. But during the thick of the Pumpkin's regression, it takes all my energy and focus to get her ready for the day, not to mention I still have to get myself ready.

So mornings were tough again, but we got through them. In addition, the Pumpkin was hard pretty much at all times of the day. It is not limited to mornings, so Londo had his share of frustrations in the afternoons. By evenings and bedtimes, we were all pretty frustrated.

But now? I can see that the Pumpkin is starting to come out of this regression. Even Londo commented that he saw it too. Things are all rainbows and unicorns, but there are significantly less meltdowns.

In addition to her simply moving out of this tough stage, we also did a project this weekend in which we made a chart for her morning routine and bedtime routine. We went through magazines to find pictures to represent each main step of those routines and glued those pictures onto some big paper under the right step. Now, each morning and night, we check the chart to see what we do next, and that has seemed to really help.

The past three mornings, things have gone relatively smoothly (I'm totally jinxing myself, I know). Although she still protests the diaper changes ("I want the pee pee in my diaper!), she's been letting me do them with much fuss once I tell her that she can either scream while I do it and it will take longer or she can cooperate and we can do it fast, but either way I'm going to change her diaper. With some coaxing, she is washing her hands, brushing her teeth (and mommy gets a turn), and washing her face. I have given her the option of two outfits, and she actually picks one of the ones I offer! She has gotten herself dressed and didn't freak out because she had it backwards and needed guidance on turning it around. Breakfasts, getting shoes and coats on, and getting in the car are all much easier.

The Pookie is happier when I am able to focus some attention on him, too. It's pretty easy to change his diaper and get him dressed. He's enjoying breakfasts of oatmeal or rice cereal with toast or waffles as finger foods. Most of all, he loves to watch his sister and laugh when she's being silly.

I'm hoping things stay easier and continue to improve, but I am trying to steal myself in case there is one more set back before true improvement. With better sleep for the Pookie and I (thanks to the sleep training), I think I can handle it. It would be even better if the Pumpkin would start sleeping through the night again, but at least she's stopped having middle-of-the-night meltdowns/screamfests.

Of course, she'll probably get to the other side of this regression just in time for the Pookie to go through one! Ah, parenthood.

*Well, that paragraph sums up my other post, so I guess I can delete it now. It apparently didn't need to be a whole post.

She Runs Hot and Cold

After another fabulous night in the caramama household (you all know that's sarcastic, right?), my daughter woke up grumpy. This is not unusual lately, as she is going through some lovely stage of Twoness/almost-Threeness where tantrums abound and rudeness is unabashed. I'm exhausted and depressed (I do so hate the winter), but I'm trying really hard to get up every morning and get myself and the two kids ready for the day. So far, I've been able to do it every weekday (and Londo gives me some weekend days off from morning duty).

But this morning... This morning when I finally got out of bed because both kids were up, we all were in my bathroom starting to get ready. Well, the Pumpkin was playing with the Pookie while I was starting to get ready. I don't remember what set her off--could have been anything, and was probably the mention of needing to change her diaper/pull-up--but the Pumpkin started to fuss and cry and generally begin tantrum behavoir.

I did my usual I'm-here-when-you-are-ready-to-talk thing, but she started telling me to "Go away!" This started a few weeks ago and is now a regular part of her tantrum repetoire. I usually ignore it and go about my business. But this morning, she wanted me to "Go away!" from my own bathroom as I was washing up. That was NOT going to happen, which I explained.

She spent the next 10 minutes or so telling me to "Go away!" or "Leave me alone!" while I continued to get ready. I could just feel the love. Luckily, I don't take offence at this behavoir, but it is still frustrating.

Now, let's fast forward through another meltdown when her pull-up leaked and I had to wash off her legs, move straight through the improving mood as she picked out something to wear (out of options I gave her), and even beyond the smiles we had when I carried both kids downstairs at the same time and laughs at breakfast over the spoon "jumping" into the yogurt cup.

Let's skip to my favorite part of this morning. When the Pumpkin and I finally got into the car and were driving to her school, she asked me, "Mommy, are you my best friend?"

Another phrase she recently added to her regularly-repeated-phrases-depending-on-her-mood is "Are you my friend?" We are all friends in our house. And yes, you can have more than one friend. And yes, we regularly check that everyone is friends with everyone else in our house.

But this was the first time I'd heard her ask if I was her "best" friend. I don't know if she truly gets what it means, but I sure do. So of course I answered, "Yes. I'm your best friend. And you are my best friend." I smiled at her in the rearview mirror, and the smile she returned to me could have light up the entire planet! It surely melted my heart into a puddle of goo.

That's one of those moments that I'm talking about in my header. That's one of the "beautiful shining moments" that I live for. An impossibly bright smile from my best friend.

The Contrary Nature of Being Two

Ah the Twos. Each age and stage has certain characterists, good and bad, that seem to affect just about every child in the world. Each child has their own personality and interests that shapes the experiences of the age/stage. But I think we can all agree that there are many things that are simply common to an age/stage across the board.

I often think of a post that Becoming Mommy wrote when her son was one. They were at a party and she spent the whole time chasing her son around. An older girl at the party asked her mother what was wrong with Becoming Mommy's son, and the mother answered that he was just being One.

Well, my daughter is absolutely being Two these days. The contrariness, the tantrums, the unwillingness to do things that she didn't have a problem with before, the headstrong determination, the willfull disobedience... I could go on and on. But those of you who have or have had a two year old know exactly the Twoness of her behavoir. Those of you with younger kids? Prepare yourself. You'll get it to some degree also.

What's really surprised me during this age/stage is my ability to handle it all relatively calmly. Or maybe it's the fact that I've usually been able to handle it pretty well while my usually-laid-back-roll-with-the-punches husband gets so frustrated. If someone told me pre-kids that I'd get less frustrated than my husband at the tantrums and whining and contrariness, I would have called them crazy. This is not saying that he's not handling it well, because he is. But I believe he would even tell you that some of this behavoir drives him up the wall, especially the contrariness and tantrums and when she doesn't answer when he asks her something.

While I don't love the behavoir, I think that I understand it and am perhaps "closer" to it than other people might be. I've always been emotionally sensitive. I really feel my emotions deeply, and when I'm upset, I understand the rage that rises and I remember letting go of tantrums. I remember how hard it was to calm down. I remember being told no and not understanding why and really wanting it anyway and getting SO VERY FRUSTRATED that I couldn't. I think it's my memories, my understanding and my sympathy/empathy with the feelings that keep me calm in the face of some very frustrating Twoness.

That is not to say that either my husband or I just let her freak out over everything or get away with her boundry-pushing. We enforce the boundries, even if it means she screams in protest. We also enforce politeness as much as possible.

Because if the child is going to yell no at everything we ask her? The least she can do is yell "No, thank you!" (Incidentally, it can be hard not to laugh when your child is deparetly yelling "No, thank you!" over and over again, even though you have to wash the shampoo out of her hair despite how politely she is telling you not to.)

And if the child is going to demand that she wants yogurt--that she NEEDS yogurt for dinner? The least she can do is say, "Please have yogurt."

And if the child is done with her food and wants it away from her immediately? The least she can do is set it aside without shoving it or throwing it on the floor.

And if the child is going to throw a tantrum because we won't let her bang and destroy play with our computers? The least she can do is let us know when she is done having her tantrum and ready to talk to us again using her words.

I actually have strong feelings about tantrums, including the fact that children should not be sent off on their own or reprimanded for having these strong emotions (the book Playful Parenting has some really good information and advice on how to handle tantrams without making a child feel guilty for having strong emotions). I get down to her level on the floor or whereever and let her know I understand that she is really upset. I stay nearby when she is having a meltdown, and I tell her that when she is ready, I'll be whereever I am nearby. I tell her that when she wants a hug, let me know. But I also tell her that I can't understand her unless she calms down and uses her words. I stay as calm, patient and understanding as I can be.

I generally don't let the contrariness get to me either. Let me give you an example of why. She's been learning the difference between school days and weekends over the last few weeks. The other day SHE asked ME if it was a school day. I said that it was. And she said, "No. It's a weekend." I replied that actually it was a school day. And she said, "Actually, it's a weekend." I think we had one more iteration before I just gave up and said whatever. A little while later, we go downstairs and she says to her daddy, "Daddy, today is a school day." So even though she was arguing with me just to argue with me, it did sink in that it is a school day. So I just tell her the right answer and let it go when she argues more than a couple times.

I understand these emotions and boundry-pushing behavoir. But that still doesn't make dealing with the Twoness easy. It helps that the Pumpkin is incredibly loving and happy and fun to be with most of the time. It really helps that I know it won't last forever.

Comparing Not Judging

I think we've all heard that you aren't supposed to compare your children. But I'm calling BS on that. We are humans. What we do IS compare. What we really shouldn't do is make value judgements based on those comparisons.

I find the differences between my two children fascinating. They both come from the same parents, have the same genes, were conceived in the same way, grew in the same womb, were birthed in mostly the same way, and were treated basically the same after birth. Slight variations, but nothing major.

And yet, we can already see that they have very different personalities. Heck, they acted very different in the womb, after birth and every day since! They have different needs, wants and ways to get those needs and wants fulfilled. They are each hard in their own way. They are each easy in their own ways. Some overlap, but not all. Every difference, every nuance just fascinates me. I love them each incredibly much for the same reasons, and for different reasons.

As I'm sure I've written in great length both here and everywhere else, the Pumpkin was not an "easy" baby*. She was fussy and high needs*. She needed constant holding and movement. After hitting the 4 month sleep regression at 3.5 months old, she stopped sleep well (UNDERSTATEMENT!), and she was never a good napper (for the first 3 months, she would nap only on us). This was and is a basic part of her personality. She still needs to be moving and fidgeting constantly, and she needs adult interaction pretty constantly, including still being held and picked up regularly. This means that she is both daring in her physical abilities and a great cuddler.

So far, the Pookie seems to be a bit "easier" of a baby*. We've been able to put him down for chunks of time, and he'll happily look at what's around him, wave his arms and kick his legs, reach for and play with toys and generally be content. There are plenty of times he needs to be held and walked around, but it's no where close to what the Pumpkin needed. He naps lying down in his crib, although he takes longer, better naps in the swing. He is no where near as fidgety as his sister was/is.

When I was home on maternity leave with the Pumpkin, I had to get out of the house just about every day. She screamed (not cried, screamed) from the minute I put her in the carseat until I got her out. So whenever we'd arrive somewhere, I'd immediately get her out and put her in my sling. Most of the time, she would be just as happy as could be in my sling for the whole time we'd be out. As long as I was moving around and maybe bouncing. She'd slide into whichever kind of sling perfectly and usually get a nice nap all curled in.

When I was home on maternity leave with the Pookie, I went out only a few times. He just didn't do so well out. He likes to nurse with my shirt pulled all the way up and without a cover, and he likes to nurse a lot. He poops, then poops again, and then poops some more, often leaking more than once on his clothes. It got to be such a hassle to stop everything to change his diaper AND clothes, plus I'd struggle to nurse him without flashing the world my whole breast. He mostly does fine in the car seat, and even falls asleep in it. But he does not do that well in the sling! He doesn't seem to slide in it right, and it won't calm him down if something else is the matter like he's hungry (it usually would for the Pumpkin). I love the sling and want to use it all the time still, but he does not want to curl in like the Pumpkin used to. He wants to face out and see the world. Luckily, now that his neck is strong enough, I put him facing out in my Moby Wrap, and then we do pretty well.

Emotionally, I have always liked to say that the Pumpkin feels her emotions to the fullest. She is usually (like 90% of the time) a pretty happy girl. And when she's happy, she's smiling and laughing, not just hanging out content. She LOVES to laugh and make other people laugh. It's a lot of fun to be around. But when she's upset, she is UPSET!!! I think this is part of why she was such a fussy baby. There was no simply unhappy or a little cranky. She felt unhappy deeply and made it be known. I also feel my emotions to the fullest, and I don't think it's a bad thing at all. Especially considering she's usually very happy.

The Pookie is often smiling and laughing and cooing. He seems to be a congenial little guy. But he does get grumpy and fussy. When he does, it's more of a low-grade, constant whining/fussing. The Pumpkin would go straight to CODE RED MELTDOWN! The Pookie is much more eeehhhhh eh ehhhh waaaah wahhhh and works his way up to really crying. It's easier to let him fuss a little than it was for the Pumpkin. This is helpful right now, since it's easier to tend to the 2.5 year old needs with a little fussing in the background than have to juggle two tantrums at once.

The Pumpkin is definitely a spirited child, which is actually a pretty wonderful thing. Time will tell how the Pookie's personality will continue to develop, but my guess is generally easy going.

Both of them constantly amazing me and fill me with warm fuzzies. My love continues to expand with every passing day, and even during the rough nights.

*I hate using those terms, because I don't think "easy" is necessarily better than fussy/high needs. Seems odd to say, but I really don't. I think there are a lot of amazing qaulilties that go along with the fussy/high needs baby that can't be separated. I also think that having a fussy/high needs baby gave us a lot of perspective on parenting and children that parents who haven't had a fussy/high needs baby of their own do not fully get. Anyway, I use these terms because they are widely used and understood, but I personally don't apply value judgements to them.

Laughing Through the Nos

It was another rough night, and again everyone ended up in our bed. That includes the dog and sometimes the cat. (Thank goodness it's a king-sized bed!)

After I had been up with the baby for over an hour, the Pumpkin and Londo finally woke up. It was after 8, so we were already running late. But the Pumpkin hadn't slept well due to a cough and Londo is almost always at work by 8 instead of sleeping cuddled with his daughter, so I let them sleep until they woke on their own(ish) just after 8.

One of the first things I told the Pumpkin was that there was oatmeal for breakfast in order to help motivate her to get up and ready to go. She was excited! She loves oatmeal! But everything after that was met by a big "No." This conversation happened after yet another No.

caramama, to Londo: It sounds like she's got a case of the Nos.
Londo, to caramama: You know how to get some Yeses? Just ask her a question which should have the answer No.
caramama, to Londo: Because she's being so contrary lately?
Londo, to caramama: Yep.
Londo, to the Pumpkin: Pumpkin, do you want to go back to sleep?
Pumpkin: Noooo.
caramama, to Londo: Good try.
Londo, to the Pumpkin: Pumpkin, do you want a hippopatomaus?
Pumpkin: No, Daddy. I want oatmeal!

We got a good laugh out of that! Maybe next time she rejects whatever meat we've made for dinner I'll tell her it's hippopatomaus! Bwahahaha!

Also, a little while later, there was this conversation, apropo of nothing:
Pumpkin: Daddy, are you Super Daddy?
Londo: Yes, I am!
caramama: He most definitely is!

That's the cute story for the morning. I won't get into the big meltdown about which chair she wanted to sit in ("No, the OTHER one!") or trying to get her out to the car (I had to carry her) or the dropoff (which is actually getting better).

A Dollar for the Therapy Fund (Or: caramama Gets Mad and Says Things She Shouldn't) (Or: The Rest of My Weekend Alone with the Kids)

As I explained previously, I spent the weekend with the two kids while Londo was off doing fun stuff with the guys involving football, cards and a pool table.

We had a really fantastic day on Saturday. In addition to all the fun we had that I already wrote about, we went over to my parent's house to play there. The Pookie took a nap in the crib upstairs! By himself! Lying down in the crib! (This almost never happened with the Pumpkin.) The Pumpkin played with the toys there and outside on the deck, while we adults had a glass of wine and enjoyed the nice weather. While we were there, my sister's labor started and my dad brought my neice back to their house. My daughter and neice are only one year apart, and they love to play together, so that was fun.

We even had a very nice dinner there. The Pumpkin and her cousin sat at the table very loudly singing "Yum. Yum. Yuuuuuum!" which my dad got on video. Although once it turns about 6:00, I feel more and more anxious about the timing of dinner and bedtimes and the impeding meltdowns for both kids that I know are coming. This is especially true when we aren't in our own house, as I have limited control over the dinner timing and have the added task of getting us all out the door. But we got it all taken care of and made it home just fine.

It was bedtime when everything went to hell.

You see, both kids need the same thing from me (or me and Londo) at the same time at night. They need to be with me, in a dark, quiet room. Alone. As in alone with just me or just Londo. When there is only one adult and two children, it is not always possible to meet this need.

When Londo was away in the evenings working a few weeks ago, I had my mom or dad come over to help. They would watch the Pumpkin while I put the Pookie to bed. Then I would get the Pumpkin ready for bed and lie down with her. Because I was putting the Pookie to bed a little early, he kept waking up an hour after I put him down, at which time my mom or dad would hold him until I could slip out of the Pumpkin's room after she fell asleep.

It worked fine except for one night when my girl was taking a while to fall asleep and the baby would not be comforted by my mom. After a while, I simply had to get the baby. His cries were pulling on my Mommy Strings, and I could not fight the instinct to go get him. The Pumpkin didn't want me to leave and cried and held on to me, but I kept explaining that her brother needed me too. Did she hear him crying? He was crying because he needed me. When she cries because she needs me, I go to her. I need to do the same for him. And I'd be right back. I'd bring him with me.

I was and I did. I lied down in bed with the baby lying on my stomach nursing (I didn't know how people did this until I simply had to do it) and my little girl lying on my other arm. The baby fell asleep, and I was able to give him back to my mom and finish lying with the Pumpkin until she fell asleep. I left the room the second time by telling her I was going to put the Pookie in his swing, which is where he usually naps so she is used to me saying that and leaving her for a minute.

Since I handled that okay, I thought I would probably be fine on my own Saturday night. I put the Pookie in his swing, which I knew would give me 1 hour until he woke up and I'd have to get him. I had hoped that the Pumpkin would take under an hour to go to sleep, especially since she hadn't napped for me that day.

She took longer. And she had an absolute meltdown when I went to get the baby and when I brought him back in the room. She did NOT want him there! Or me elsewhere. I told her she had to stop yelling because that was making the baby cry more. I told her that I couldn't put him down until he was calm, and he couldn't calm down when she was upset. I never tell her to stop crying when she's upset, so I know I was asking something new. And she didn't want to do it.

So I left the room with the baby, leaving her in her room alone. I told her I would, but she wouldn't quiet down. After a few moments, she opened her door and looked into my room. She saw me sitting with the baby in the chair in my room, and came in. She was quiet, so I didn't stop her. But then she started up again. Being in my bed didn't calm her. Sitting with me and the baby wasn't making her happy. Nothing was. So I tried getting her back in her room. She hit my leg in her frustration. I snapped loudly that that was unacceptable! There would be no hitting! And I ordered her into her room in not the nicest manner (I think I said, "You go to your room RIGHT NOW! GO! GO! GO!").

I went with her into her room. She was upset about my yelling at her, so I talked to her calmly and she calmed down a bit. But the baby was still with me as I was trying to settle her. She started flipping out again. I was sitting up trying to get her to work with me to "find a solution." And then... She hit me. Again. On my side right next to the baby's leg. Just after I had told her no hitting.

The beast came out of me and I screamed at her, "UNACCEPTABLE!"

Please know that this isn't the first or ideal way I deal with her hitting. Over the last month or so, she has developed this new behavoir of her slapping at someone or something when she is so overwhelmingly frustrated she doesn't know how to deal with it. It doesn't happen often. I usually am firm, but calm. I tell her that there is no hitting and if she's frustated she can stomp her foot or tell me how mad she is.

But this time, I was so tired and getting so frustrated myself, and her hand was so very close to the baby. I screamed "unacceptable" and kept yelling for a few seconds--about how hitting was absolutely unacceptable, that there was no hitting in this house, that it was not okay to hit.

Her crying because she was mad and frustrated turned into despair that I was yelling at her. Cause I wasn't just yelling, I was screaming like a crazy mommy. It was just a few seconds, but I don't think I'd ever screamed at her like that before (with the exception of perhaps a couple times when she was a baby and I was getting no sleep and might have screamed in the middle of the night, but she didn't understand it then and wouldn't remember... you understand, right?). I quickly calmed down, and comforted her, but still told her sternly that it was not okay to hit even when she was really frustrated.

You remember that I am holding the baby this hold time, right? The baby was pretty upset with the whole scene, too. So what am I going to do now? The Pumpkin won't calm down and doesn't want the baby in her room, although she wants me in her room. I tried putting him in the swing, but that didn't work. I tried bringing her into my room again, but that didn't work. I am getting so so so very mad! She utterly defies me at one point, and I yell at her, and unfortunatly I quote, "Are you freaking kidding me? Get your a$$ in here right now!" I did. I'm not proud, but I did.

It was then that I picked up the phone. I told her I was calling Nana because I needed help. And I did. I called and both my parents picked up. I said, "I need help. Can someone please come over?" They heard both kids crying in the background. They asked something like was I okay or did I need them immediately or something--I don't even remember what. And I said, "I need help right away or I'm going to kick one of these kids out of the house. And we all know which one it'll be."

Am I happy I said that, even jokingly? Eh. Am I okay with the fact that I said it in front of my very verbal daughter? No. But it came out, so there it is. I screamed at my daughter, used a cuss word and then joked that I was going to kick her out of the house. Good night! This was not one of my finer parenting moments. Did I mention how great the rest of the day was? This was just a miserable 45-60 minutes. Maybe I should erase this post and try to forget it ever happened...

Well, I'll at least end the story. I hung up the phone and went downstairs to unlock the door. I left the Pumpkin in my room, on my bed, and was going to come right back up to her. I had the baby in my arms still. When I walked back up the stairs, she was in the door to her room, I think looking for me. She was calm. I was calm. The baby was calm.

I said to her, calmly, "Are you ready to go lie down in your room?" She said yes. We all went in. I told her I was sorry I had been yelling and I was sorry that I couldn't just lie down with just her without the baby, but I needed to nurse him. So I lied down on her bed next to her and nursed the baby. She lied down next to me on the other side and said, "I need a hug."

My sweet little girl. I gave her a hug and snuggled her up to my other side. She even reached around me and patted the baby very gently. It was actually a very beautiful moment. The kind I was hoping would happen... without the nightmare preceding it.

When I heard my dad come in the house and up the stairs, I told the Pumpkin that Pop Pop was here and I was going to give the baby to him. She was okay with that. By the time I gave the baby to my dad and went back into her room (just a couple minutes, at most), she was asleep. Fast asleep. I took a minute to wash up and change into my PJs, then I took the baby back, thanked my dad, and sent him home. I got the baby to sleep and went to sleep myself. Exhausted and completely drained. The Pumpkin slept through the night on her own, and I nursed the baby every hour or two through the night.

Sunday was fine. We were all tired and didn't do much, but that was okay. We were all in fine moods, and nothing major happened. Londo surprised me by coming home early, so I even got a nap.

Overall, the weekend was fine. Good even! But I still need help at bedtimes. Once the Pumpkin has adjusted to pre-school, we will work in earnest to get her to start falling asleep by herself. Hopefully. But until then, I still can't do bedtimes by myself.

When my daughter is grown and in therapy and is trying to figure out where all her issues with her brother stem from, I will show her this post and tell her this is where it all began.

Question of the Week - Easing Frustrations

It seems to me that every age/phase/stage has its own set of frustrations. And each child has their own way of frustrating his/her parents. Some frustrations I seem to do really well handling. Others... not so much.

This morning was full of frustrations. The Pumpkin woke up before I could get the Pookie back to sleep. She sat on my bed and watched Blue's Clues for a while, but the baby still wouldn't go back to sleep and she was losing interest. When she loses interest in the TV while in my room, she inevitably gets into stuff that she shouldn't. So I tried putting the baby down in the swing (it's in the master bathroom) in the hopes that it would rock him the rest of the way to sleep. I brought the Pumpkin downstairs with me.

But the Pookie didn't fall back asleep. He kept fussing and getting more awake. And the Pumpkin was being very contrary. Right before I went up to get the baby and just bring him down to be with us, I said to my lovely little pre-schooler, "I want to hear a lot less Nos and a lot more OK Mommys." Surprisingly, she was better when I got back down. But the Pookie was still super fussy. Instead of getting him back to sleep, I had to feed the Pumpkin before we headed to school. And my nanny was running late. Did I mention the ants that were invading my kitchen?

It all worked out, and I got the Pookie to sleep and the Pumpkin and myself out the door. I'm trying a new technique for the dropoffs, but that was still tough. But I'm at work now and dealing with other frustrations all together.

So let's lighten the mood and help each other out with today's Question of the Week:

What tips do you have for dealing with a typical kid frustration?

I've got a good one for the constant questions that work at least for my girl. When she asks a question and I answer it and she asks it again (and again and again), I don't keep answering it. I turn it back around on her and ask her the question, maybe with a slight shift of what word I emphasize. Then she answers it herself and stops asking the question.

For example, she points to a picture and says, "Who's dat?" I answer, "That's Grandma." She points again and asks, "And who's dat?" I say back to her, "You tell me. Who is that?" She says, "It's Granma!" Then we move on to something else.

Hmmm, I had another one, but now I forget what it was. I'll post it later if I remember...

How about you guys? I can use all the tips I can get, for any age at this point. What secrets do you have in your arsenol to keep you sane during typical frustrating behavoir?

Drop-offs Get Easier Eventually... Right?

The Pumpkin really seems to like school. Each time I've picked her up from school, she has had a good day and talks about the fun things she did. When we are at home and we talk about school, she is happy and has good things to say. She even uses a happy voice to tell me, "I cry!" (She wasn't napping and didn't want to stay on her cot, so she cried.) When I get her ready for school in the morning and even when we get in the car to go to school, she seems excited and happy about it.

Then we get there. Things go downhill quickly.

Monday, she was obviously unsure of what to do and a bit overwhelmed. In the car, I had told her again and again, "When we get to your school, first, we will find your classroom. Then, we will say hi to Miss J. Then, you will get to play with the other kids!" This helped a lot. When we walked in the building, she looked overwhelmed and started hiding behind me, but I turned to her and said, "What do we do first? We find your classroom!" And she marched down the hall with me. Then we said hi to Miss J. And then, I encouraged her to play with the other kids. She didn't leave me right away, but after 5 minutes or so, she pulled off her backpack and jacket, handed them to me, and went off to play.

Tuesday morning, in the car on the way over, I started prompting her, "When we get to your school, first we find your..." She says, "Class room!" I prompt, "And then we say hi to..." "Miss J!" I prompt, "And then you get to play with the... " "Other kids!" That morning, almost as soon as we got in the room, she handed me her stuff and ran off to see what was going on at the table. That was the best morning.

Wednesday morning, she went with me right to the room, took off her backpack and jacket, said hi to her teachers (there is also a Miss K), but didn't want to go to the circle. She clung to me. It was hard. She was upset and fussing/crying a bit. As I tried to get her to go, other kids left the circle to do other things. When she saw another kid playing with the blocks they'd played with the previous day, she grabbed one. There was a brief moment of "Mine/No, mine!" But then I told her to build a tower with the other boy, and she put the block on top and thanked him for "helping." I said bye and left, but she wasn't really paying attention to me anymore.

Thursday, she started clinging and saying she wanted to go home the minute we got into her classroom. She insisted I stay and play with her. I told her I had to go to work. In fact, in the car on the way to school, I had added that after "play with the... other kids." The last thing now is, "And then Mommy has to go to..." "Work." But in the room, she told me she didn't want me to go to work. I had to stay there with her and play. Or she wanted to go home. The whole time, the teacher is trying to get her attention and to get her into the class with the others. I walked the Pumpkin into the room and lead her to the circle of chairs, and Miss J brought out stickers. The Pumpkin loves stickers, so she hurried over to get one. I slipped out. Was it a mistake to slip out rather than make a point of saying goodbye and being sure she knew I was going? I don't know, but I just did it.

This morning, it was even worse. She wouldn't even take off her backpack. It's Show and Share day, so we brought in her doodle pad (she picked it out to bring this morning. She's so cute!), but she didn't want to show the other kids or see what they brought. She wanted to go home. She wanted me to stay. When I said I had to go to work, she said she wanted to go to work. She was sobbing and clinging to me. She wanted to be picked up, or at least hold her hand. I brought her in the room more, hoping to smooth the transition. It might have made things worse--I can't tell. I simply couldn't pull myself from her hands as she sobbed at me. I kept trying all the techniques I could think of, from "I wish I could stay" to "I'm going to put you down now, and then I have to leave." Finally, she let go of me and turned, and I said bye as I hurried to the door. She sobbed after me, following me, but I went. I knew I just had to get out of there so as not to prolong it anymore.

I'm sure she was fine a few minutes later (I'm about to call to be reassured). She has fun there. It's a good place with good teachers. She is resilent and generally a happy kid.

I hear the drop-offs will get easier as she gets used to the new routine. But right now, it's tough. I hate to leave her like that, but I'm not sure what to do to make it better. I'm going to try to just leave as soon as we get in, and get there earlier when other kids are being dropped off. Maybe the weekend will help. Or make it worse. Man, this parenting gig isn't ever simple.

Question of the Week - Parenting Books

The Pookie has been super clingy lately--especially for me. Even when he was just fed, he wants to nurse again... but only for a few minutes before falling back asleep or just snuggling. It is sweet, but CONSTANT! And that's when he's not fussing. Because there are many times when he just keeps fussing. He'll be on and off the breast, bounced, slinged, walked, snuggled, whatever and still fussing. But I also noticed that he seems a lot more aware and different in some way I was having trouble putting my finger on.

This combination of fussy and more aware reminded me of a fantastic book I learned about from Ask Moxie and read when the Pumpkin was going through various stages. It's called The Wonder Weeks, and it talks about the fussy periods that babies go through right prior or around the time of major developmental leaps. And the first one? At 5 weeks, which is how old the Pookie is. I am so relieved to have remembered to check that book and figure out what's going on. It makes me realize that this is a normal phase, just a phase, will end soon, and I'm not alone.

The Wonder Weeks is one of those parenting/child development books that I think everyone should have and read. It really helped me get through the fussy periods with the Pumpkin, and I'm sure it will help me with the Pookie as well.

This week's question of the week is...

What parenting/child development book(s) do you think are good reads?

I'm also currently reading Raising Your Spirited Child. This book is FANTASTIC! For those who have a child like my Pumpkin, you really should read this book. From the first page on, I was SO glad I had bought the book and was reading it. My girl is definitely a spirited child, and I'm lucky to have her! As the author pointed out early in the book, spirited children have all these qualities that we admire in adults but find frustrating in children. I'm already changing how I view traits that were frustrating me, and it helps me appreciate my amazing girl even more. Seriously, if you have a spirited child, get this book!

The other books that have made a huge difference to me are:
- Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott, which focuses on communication techniques and how we interact with our children.
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, which is another book that focuses on communication and it is developed from the communication techniques in Between Parent and Child. It really walks you through how to use the communication techniques and is a great read!
- Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen, which talks about how important play is for children's developments, including how to use play as a parenting technique.
- Happiest Baby on the Block (I watched the DVD but didn't read the book) and Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp, which has great information about baby and toddler development and has some helpful techniques for calming babies and parenting toddlers.
- The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert Sears, which really lays out all the information you could think of about vaccines. I feel so much better about medicating my child knowing how the vaccines are made, what the diseases do, and what the risks are of both the diseases and vaccines.
- The Baby Book by Dr.William Sears, which has so much great information that you can refer to help understand what is going on with your baby. But as with all the books, take with a grain of salt.

I'm sure I have more that I've read and would recommend, but that's all I can think of now. Oh, I know there are a few breastfeeding books that were great, but I can't think of them off the top of my head and I'm holding the baby so I can't go check.

How about you all? What books or even DVDs or websites helped see you through? What would you recommend? Why did you like it so much? Share with us!

On Second Thought, Two May Be Too Much

The Pumpkin is really at such an amazing age/stage. Londo and I are so very much in love with her, and it's incredible how much that love grows every day. We had great fun with her last week and over the weekend. In addition, I'm feeling so much better at this stage of pregnancy. I've just entered my 8th month, and I am big and tired and achy, but really good otherwise.

So on Sunday, we were out in our beautiful backyard, enjoying a lovely afternoon after the Pumpkin actually napped, letting the dog run around, the Pumpkin climb and slide, and gently swaying on the glider. I turned to Londo and said, "Maybe three." He looked at me and answered, "Maybe."

I've talked about how I don't enjoy being pregnant (I believe I used the word "hate") and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that the only way I think I can make it through this pregnancy is to truly believe this is my last child. I always thought I wanted 3, but that was before I had 1. We were still planning to not do anything permantent for another 4 or 5 years after this one is born, just in case.

But it's still amazing to me that I'm pregnant and have a highly active toddler and I actually said out loud "Maybe 3." AND that Londo agreed!

And then... yesterday happened. The nanny was sick, so I stayed home and watched the Pumpkin in the morning. Things went mostly well, although she was quite cranky all day. Londo came home to watch her in the afternoon. She wouldn't nap and was getting more and more fussy. That type of fussy when she says she wants something but then flips out when you try to give it to her (NOOOOOOOO! Aghggg!), and when you get the offending item out of her eyesight, she freaks out wanting it again (I WAAAAANNNNN! I WANNNN! Gimme!!)*. Good times.

At one point in the late afternoon of a very long day, I walk back into the family room as she's have another tantrum. I just shake my head and say to Londo, "Did I say 3? I didn't mean it." Londo responded, "Neither did I."

Ask me again in a week, a month, a year, 4 years. I have a feeling the answer is going to depend on how the kids are behaving during that time period.

*As a side note, the "Noooooooo"s, "Gimme"s and "I Waaant"s drive me nutty. We are working very hard on "No, thank you" and "May I please have" (she says "peese haaave?" very sweetly). She's pretty good about stopping her vocal outbursts and repeating the polite phrases we tell her, but she doesn't yet think of these things first. We'll keep working on it.

Sometimes Only the Dog Can Hear Her

Ah, toddlerhood. The joys, the playfulness, the communication, the tantrums, the emotional chaos, the inability to truly use much reason. Fun, isn't it?

Amazingly, I find myself able to handle the tantrums. I was a very emotional and sensitive child (and still am as an adult in many ways), so I really feel sympathy and understanding for her overwhelming emotions--her personality didn't fall far from the tree. As was discussed on Ask Moxie the other day, her tantrums at this age are really due to being overwhelmed and frustrated, not trying to get control or partake in a power struggle.

I figure we are at stage one of the tantrums. To me, this is when she is not able to control her emotions and doesn't know how to deal with it, and what she needs is sympathy and safe arms waiting to hold her. The next stages will be learning other ways to handle the overwhelming emotions and learning how to feel it coming and be able to head it off, when those lessons are age appropriate. But always, I will let her know that all of her emotions are good and sometimes you really just need to have a good cry.

Until she's better able to handle the emotions, I have to find humor where I can. One of the things I find very funny (although I DO NOT laugh) is how she escalates when she wants something.

The Pumpkin starts off with a normal, maybe little whiny: "Hey Mommy (or whoever), I wan a fru bar [...I want a fruit bar]."
Londo, the nanny or I respond: "Not right now. It's time for breakfast. You can have one later*."
The Pumpkin then goes up an octave and adds more whine: "Mommy! I WAN a fru bar! I wan! I wan!
The response is still no.
The Pumpkin goes up another octave: "Bud [but] I WAN one! I WAN one!"

At this point, the dog runs from the room. We are either able to distract her with something else ("Hey, look! How about some oatmeal!" She loves oatmeal) or we have to deal with a tantrum.

I haven't yet tried to deal with the escalating octaves. Right now, I just treat it as if she's using the same tone of voice so she won't think she gets things just because she used a higher, whinier voice. Soon, I will begin to work with her to use a normal tone of voice.

Luckily, it doesn't bother my ears (although I think Londo is in a different boat), and I just find it funny. Who knew that higher octaves meant you REALLY REALLY wanted something! Maybe Mariah Carey...

*And the Later trick really doesn't work anymore. Drat!

Stomach Virus Visiting (and Re-Visiting)

Thank you all so much! What a wonderful, supportive group of people you are! I hate to move from my really great news to the stomach virus the Pumpkin has, but that's what I'm doing. It's not all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns in the caramama household, you know. This week, it's been vomit, sleepless nights and extra fussiness.

Want to hear about it in graphic detail? Sure you do!

Sunday night, I was putting the Pumpkin to bed. I tried lying down with her and giving her the bottle, but after the bottle was done, she still wasn't asleep. So I picked her up and started pacing the floor. She started making a weird noise, so I sat down on the glider to look at her and try to figure out what was going on. And she threw up all over me and her. All down my shoulder, boob, arm and her chin, arm, chest and stomach.

I called for Londo, thinking that if I didn't move, he might be able to help me clean up before it got everywhere. And then, she threw up again. And it was everywhere. I dashed to the bathroom across the hall, trailing chunky vomit across the carpet of her room and the hallway. She threw up more in the bathroom. Poor girl! She was very confused and unhappy about the throwing up. No one likes to throw up, but it must be worse when you don't understand what's going on.

Once she stopped, I undressed us both and got her in the tub, where I poured water over her. I sponged her and myself down until we were clean. Then, I put new pajamas on both of us. Meanwhile, Londo cleaned up the glider, the carpet and the bathroom.

At this point, the Pumpkin acted fine. Like nothing happened. She didn't feel feverish, and she was talkative and happy. So I tried to put her to bed again. She wanted to lie down, so we did. But then she said, "Mommy, poo poo potty?" This is her way of saying she needs to use the potty. I thought maybe she had some diarrehea to go along with the throw up. I put her on the potty, but nothing. Then she wanted to get down. So we went back into her room, and I started pacing the floor with her.

You know what happened next, right?

I heard her start to make the noise and took off for the bathroom. She started throwing up before we got there, but not much. Most of it was in the bathroom. And all over us. It was even in our hair. No rinsing off would be enough this time. Once she was done and seemed to be feeling better, I took her for her first shower in the master bathroom.

She loved the shower. She played with new bottles and a container to put them in. She didn't seem to mind the water falling down on her head as long as she didn't look up. I got us all clean, dried off and in another set of new pajamas. Londo cleaned up the rugs and bathroom--again.

But this time, we didn't make it out of the master bathroom. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, poo poo potty?" I realized that it wasn't poo poo that she was going to do. It was that her stomach didn't feel right, and probably the closest thing she could figure was poo poo potty. Sure enough, within moments she was clutching her stomach. I grabbed a towel and caught the throw up before it could get on her, me or the floor.

As a side note, I'm an expert at catching throw up in towels. My dog has a stomach problem so that when she goes too long between meals, she throws up. This is almost always in the early morning hours. I know the sounds and movements of her about to throw up. It wakes me up immediately, I jump out of bed, grab a dog towel and hold it under her while she throws up. If I don't catch it in the towel, it's on our bed because that is where she sleeps and you can't move her when she is about to throw up. Then we have to strip the bed and remake it before going back to sleep, which totally sucks. So I'm really good at catching it in the towel. Apparently for my sick toddler, too.

We called the after-hours nurse, who basically said to try to keep her hydrated, watch her and call the doctor in the morning if it got worse. As Londo was talking to her, the Pumpkin threw up again.

We set up a big beach towel in our bed between us--the spot where the Pumpkin has taken to sleeping once she wakes up lately (that's another post). I put a pile of towels next to me. We all got into bed.

It was 11:00, and the Pumpkin threw up for the 5th time in 2 hours. Immediately after throwing up, she closed her eyes and was out. She threw up again at 12, 1, 2 and at 3, she dry heaved once and was done.

Do I need to tell you all how worried we were? After the third throw up, the Pumpkin was miserable and not acting fine. But she didn't have a fever or any other symptom. The nurse at the pediatrician's office said it was a virus that was going around and that we should limit her food, give her bland food and make sure she drank a lot of water. Which we did. She seemed fine by morning and all the next day, except tired and more fussy than usual.

She threw up just once the following morning, but otherwise has seemed fine and is back to eating regular foods, although she doesn't have a big appetite.

And then last night, she threw up in our bed a little after 1. Londo cleaned it up, changed the blankets (she didn't get it on the sheets, thank goodness) and put down a beach towel for her. I stripped us down and cleaned us off. Then at 2, she threw up again. It was everywhere on her and I. So we showered again. Which of course just woke her up more! When we got out and Londo had everything cleaned again, she did not want to fall back asleep. Londo paced with her and finally got her calm enough to fall asleep in bed. She didn't throw up again.

We are so exhausted and there is so much laundry!!! The Pumpkin doesn't feel well and is really tired. She is being so frustrating with the fussing, temper tantrums, and constant "no"s. We feel bad that she's been sick, but we are so tired it's hard to keep our patience.

This is why I'm not posting much this week. I'm just too tired with this on top of everything else. I'm really glad it's Friday, and I plan to nap a lot this weekend!

Question of the Week - Child's Temperment

I am currently reading The Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Harvey Karp. I love this guy. Right after the Pumpkin was born, I watched The Happiest Baby on the Block DVD, and it was incredibly helpful! Oh, the five "s"s got me through those tough early months with a fussy baby. Dr. Karp really examines what is reasonable to expect of babies and toddlers given their age, their development stage and their personalities. He does not say "do this" for all babies/toddlers. He says "this might work for this type" or that you should try something else.

In the Toddler book, he talks about different toddler personalities. I read the three main types of personalities: easy kids, cautious kids and spirited kids. My child is definitely a "spirited kid." As a baby, she was surely what Dr. Sears defined as a "fussy baby," a notch away from a "high-needs baby," as I've written about before.

Even before she was born, she was constantly moving and active. In fact, during my third or fourth month of pregnancy, the nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. To make sure everything was okay, the doctor did an ultrasound. I was SO worried, until we found the baby doing just fine, and doing somersaults! The doctor said, "No wonder we couldn't find the heartbeat!" While in my stomach, the baby was constantly moving, kicking and hiccuping. I knew then that this would be an active child.

As a toddler, she is high-energy, active, inquisitive, constantly moving and into everything! While this can be exhausted for us parents now, I know these traits will server her well both now and in the future. She doesn't get it from me, since I'm not that active of a person and never have been. This daughter of mine that has been moving since just about conception, she definitely gets it from her father, who is an active, fidgety, moving person. It has served him well in his life, too, so I know it's a good thing for the Pumpkin to have this temperment, this personality. I can't wait to see what she does with it!

Which leads us to our Question of the Week...

What is your child(ren) temperment/personality? Is your an active, spirited child like mine, or an easy, relaxed baby?

Cara Figlia - Toddler Tantrums

Cara figlia,

I love you so much, and you are wonderful, smart, creative and cuddly. But what is with the toddler tantrums? You are giving us a nice mix of the following:
-You want to do it yourself and don't want help, but you can't quite do it yourself so you freak out.
-You aren't comfortable but you are really tired and you don't know what is wrong but you are going to scream about it (we had this again last night).
-You want Mama or Daddy and only that person, but the other person is the one who comes to get you so you flip out. (In fact, you are downstairs yelling for me right now, but I really really need a break!)
-And my latest favorite, you want only the few things that your Daddy and I don't want you to have our do, and when we won't let you have it/do it, you throw a tantrum.

I knew this was coming and had lots of warning about the tough toddler years. But yeowza, this is hard! You are hard! I know it's a phase that you will get through. But then you will be in another phase (probably the terrible twos, oh joy), and then another.

Just remember, I'm only joking when I say we are going to sell you to the gypsies. I hear we can get a much better deal on eBay!

Ti amo,
Mama

Middle of the Night with Sick Pumpkin

You all have done some gross stuff! I'm impressed!

As for me, I am completely and utterly exhausted. The Pumpkin is still sick, although she no longer has a fever. Instead, she is congested and stuffy, with a runny nose and regular coughing fits that break my heart. She is also very uncomfortable and frustrated, which is extra fun in the middle of the night.

Last night, Londo tried to take the night shift to give me a break. But he could not get her back to sleep after 3 hours. Finally, I went in to give it a try, because you know I wasn't sleeping much through her off and on wailing.

I'm sad to say that she didn't do much better for me. I rocked her, walked with her, tried to lie down with her, sung to her, vented with her and tried so many things. But nothing worked--she simply could not get comfortable and fall asleep. I was up with her for two hours.

But guess what she did during those two hours? She threw the most magnificent tantrum that I've ever seen her throw! Oh, it brought me back to my childhood tantrums (yes, I admit I threw some, and possibly still do). She was on the ground on her hands and knees whining and yelling. There was nothing specifically wrong, just that she was so tired and frustrated and uncomfortable and sick and, well, everything was wrong. So I let her throw her fit. I tried to soothe her, but mostly I just was there for her. Really, I wish I had a camera at the time, because it was a truly perfect tantrum.

It ended when she kicked over the humidifier, which spilled water all over her carpet. I pulled her out of the way, ran to get towels, and started mopping up the floor. She sat there a bit stunned. I was finally able to pick her back up and rock with her.

I took a tip from my friend hedra and started doing a litany, in a soothing, calm voice, about all the things that were wrong for her right then. I had tried it previously, and it seemed to work, but then I stopped. This time, I did a longer litany of everything I could think of, and it really worked! (THANK YOU, HEDRA!!) Then I moved right into signing some soothing songs that she likes to hear (Leaving on a Jet Plane usually calms her down).

Finally (FINALLY!), she started falling asleep. I continued rocking for a half hour or so. And from 4:15 to 7:15 I slept in the glider/recliner with her on me, shifting every half hour or hour, but thankfully asleep.

I feel as exhausted as the newborn days. I have barely slept at all in the last four nights. I badly need some sleep, even a nap, but I'm insanely busy at work and have to keep going. Mostly, I feel awful for my poor little girl who is so sick and tired and frustrated and uncomfortable. I hope she gets better soon.

On the bright side (you knew I would go there, didn't you?), I did make it in time for my big (but short) presentation with some muckety-mucks this morning. They told me I did an excellent job, so I guess I can present well while sleep walking!

Cara Mama - Doing It Myself

Cara Mama,

I waaaaannnnaa do it myseeeeelf!!! I don't waaaaaant your help! I waaaaannnnaa do it!

But I caaaaaan't do it! I don't waaaaaant your help! I'll figure it out myseeeeelf!

I won't woooooorrk! I can't do it! Nooooooo. Don't help me! Whyyyyyy can't I do it myself?

Fine! I won't do it. But you can't do it either! Nooooooo! Waaaaahhhhhhh!

Ti amo,
Pumpkin

Why My Baby Was Worth It

As part of the Mo' Babies Online Baby Shower for Kristen and Rebecca, and in honor of so many other bloggers and friends having babies and one of my best friends who recently had her first (hey, limboland la la!), I'm writing this post about how wonderful babies are! Because they are! If they weren't, why would I be trying so hard to have another? I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it eleventyfour thousand times more, they are worth it.

I'm sure I've written before, and I've gone on and on IRL, about how my baby girl was not an easy baby. But what I remember most fondly about those early months are actually directly related to ways in which the Pumpkin was difficult. And even at the time, I realized it. Those two ways were: 1. she would not be put down for the first three months of her life (except swaddled in a moving swing, and then only at night); and 2. she was very fussy. Now let me tell you why those two things were really wonderful.

Because my girl would not be put down even for naps, Londo and I had to hold her all the time. Let me rephrase that. Londo and I got to hold her all the time! I think back to those early days, weeks, months and what I remember most fondly is holding that little lump of a baby. I held her in my arms or my slings, on my lap or laying cuddled next to her, I walked with her, rocked her, held her gently. I had three different kinds of slings, and Londo had one sling and a baby carrier. I have never in my life been as physically close to another being as constantly as I was then. And that was truly a beautiful thing.

For naps, I would tuck this little being into a sling and walk around, bouncing and singing, until she fell asleep with her cheek pressed against my chest, her hand curled around the neckline of my shirt, her body tucked into me. There was no transferring her into anything else at this point. To keep her napping, I held her. This meant that I sat down somewhere comfy, picked up a book or turned on the TV or played on the computer, and settled in while she slept against my heartbeat, each precious breath making her ribs rise and fall.

How could I not fall in love with this child? That little lump of warmth and softness wanting nothing more than to be held and fed and comforted. How could I not feel an intensly close bond with this snuggly baby? The bond started at birth, really before even, and just got stronger with every passing minute of holding her in my arms, against my body. Yes, it was hard to hold her all the time, and I needed breaks from her and I dreamed of the day when I could put her down without her freaking out. But I also knew I was lucky to have a baby that I could hold, that wanted--even needed--to be held by me, and I was lucky to have the help and support and understanding and time to just hold her.

The other aspect of my difficult baby which was also a wonderful thing was her fussiness. I realized early on that she was fussy, but that I didn't want to label her as a "fussy" baby and only a fussy baby. I also realized that it was more than her being fussy. My little baby was simply very in touch with her emotions. This became really clear once she started to interact with her environment, especially when she started smiling and laughing. When my child is upset, she is FUSSY! But when my child is happy, she laughs loud and clear.

The Pumpkin is active, sensitive and emotional, and she expresses her joy and frustration with equal abandon. I really believe this is a wonderful trait to have. So she wasn't an easy going, laid back baby. She was a baby who knew what she felt, and she let everyone know. And I realize that I'd rather have a child who lets me know how she feels than one who internalizes it or doesn't know how to get what she needs.

What I find the most fascinating about this ability of the Pumpkin's to express herself is that understanding this about her made me realize I was seeing some of her personality traits since her birth! The active, sensitive, emotional and expressiveness of my little girl was not simply baby fussiness that melted away like the baby fat on her chubby thighs did. That early fussiness was a building block of her future personality that I have been able to witness from soon after she came into the world to her current toddlerness, and I will continue to see her personality develop throughout her life. How cool is that?

So I had to hold my baby and had to deal with a fussy baby. I was so lucky. This raising children is hard. But it's easy to be Mrs. Brightside about those little sweet babies when I think about how wonderful even the toughest aspects were. When I think about how it was all worth it. And I, for one, am looking forward to doing it again.

Good luck to all the new mamas and the about to be mamas and about to be again mamas! I hope you all are able to cherish every part of the newborn phase, because it's over so fast. At least we have our fond memories and the amazing children they become!