Question of the Week - You Be the Parent at Bedtime

A bloggy friend of mine does a really neat series of posts, which she calls You Be the Parent (her older posts were on her previous blog). It's like the Choose Your Own Adventures of parenting decisions. Not only do I like reading them and contributing to them, but I love to read everyone else's answers. It seems like a great way to get lots of opinions, as well as see where you are in the bell curve of people you know.

After approval for totally stealing borrowing the idea, I am doing an edition of You Be the Parent: Bedtime as my Question of the Week this week:

Although your three-year-old daughter has never gone to sleep easily, you worked hard over a couple of months to get her used to going to sleep on her own. You slowly weaned her from being cuddled and sang to in order to get to sleep, to sitting next to her and rubbing her back, to sitting across the room from her while she lied down by herself, to finally her going to sleep on her own without you in the room. To finally get her to do it by herself, you came up with a rewards chart, which had just started to work.

Then a few weeks ago, she stopped going to sleep by herself. In addition to having problems going to sleep, she has been quite a handful lately, and you suspect it might correspond to the sleeping issues. You are trying to re-wean her, and get her to stay in bed so you can start moving towards and then out the door. She is simply not ready to try the rewards chart and prizes at this point.

Bedtime has become miserable. It takes you 1 to 2 hours to get her to sleep, and it involves a lot of arguing, fighting, yelling and crying--and that's just on your part! Your daughter has occasionally hits and one time bit you! You are frustrated and dread bedtimes. Your partner is having an even worse time than you are.

You have spent 3 years and 4 months suffering through long, frustrating bedtimes with your kid. You are at your wit's end. Your husband thinks the process of weaning that worked before simply isn't working anymore. You both are wondering if a drastic change is needed, or if you should stay the course through this period of regression.

Do you:

A) Go back to lying in bed with her and singing her songs/telling stories to get her to sleep, in order to try to get her to sleep quickly and easily. It worked for a long time, it will likely work again.

B) Stay the course with weaning her from parents at bedtime by continuing to try to get her to stay in bed by herself until she is asleep. Eventually move away from the bed and reinstate the rewards chart to get out the door.

C) Try letting her stay up watching shows or playing quietly in her room until she is tired enough to go to sleep without a fight. She'll eventually fall asleep or climb into bed to pass out.

D) Sell her to gypsies or on eBay, whichever will take her first. See if they will also take the dog.

E) Other?

In the words of my friend, I eagerly await your input!

Deals and Timing for My Spirited Girl

Two things about my daughter that I always try to keep in mind when she's not doing what she's supposed to or I want her to do and/or I'm getting frustrated with her:
1. She takes in EVERYTHING, even if she doesn't respond right away.
2. She does NOT like to be backed into a metaphorical corner or feeling like she's being forced to do something.

Having read and really identified with the Raising Your Spirited Child book, I paid special attention to the section about negotiations or getting to "yes" (I can't recall right now if that term was in this book or another, but I do know that the idea of it was in this book). You see, with my child you cannot expect that she will do what you tell her to do just because you told her to do it. I don't care who you are or what method you try in order to force her to do it. If she doesn't want to do something, she will. not. do. it!

Instead, I've spent a lot of time coming up on ways to get my girl on board with what I need her to do, or at least to work out a compromise, or "deal" with her. I know lots of parents say they don't negotiate with terrorists, and certainly sometimes she simply HAS to do what we tell her to do, especially for safety reasons and when there are specific rules in place. But in general, I have learned to pick the true battles when necessary and otherwise work out something that will work for me and her. Maybe it's because as funny as it is, I don't consider her a terrorist. To me, she is a little person with needs and desires of her own, but without the ability to ask for them or to understand why she can't or to do so many of the things she wants.

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I'll never forget that first time she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I want a deal." A few months ago when I was working on bedtime seperation (another post coming on that), making many small transitions over a period of time, I would tell her that we could "make a deal" to meet her needs (potty, drink of water, a little snuggle) without moving back to a previous position/action, thereby undoing the transition I had already made. Sometimes, she would take the deal right off, and others she would not take and therefore had a major tantrum/meltdown that I had to sit through without giving in to do only what she wanted. She HATED being backed into a "do this or else" corner, so those types of ultimatums would not work well during these transitions. But by offering her deals she could take was my way of giving her (and myself) a way out of being backed into a corner, a way for both of us to get to a "yes" that worked for us.

One night she really wanted something (maybe water or a snuggle, I don't recall exactly what), but I was insisting she had to stay in bed. Finally, she sat up, and said that she wanted a deal! I hadn't yet offered one cause I was tired and frustrated and didn't think of it. She was heading in the direction of a tantrum--but so was I! When suddenly, she sat up, looked at me, and told me she wanted a deal! Now, she's only starting to figure out how to offer her own deals, but at that point it was a huge break through for her to tell me she wanted one! I quickly came up with something acceptable to both parties, and we got through that bedtime without ANY tantrums!

She had been listening, taking it all in. What I was doing, what I was saying was not just something in the moment, but it was something she was learning and remembering and using. All those nights and days when I offered deals, all those times I had to make myself be patient and stop being frustrated and calmly offer compromises were starting to pay off.

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She was in a mood one morning last week. Easily distracted and not listening or following any instructions. Not doing anything she KNOWS she's supposed to do in the mornings, and doing things she KNOWS she shouldn't be. After finally getting myself, the Pookie and the Pumpkin dressed and ready, we went downstairs for breakfast. While I was fixing oatmeal, she was sitting at the table and appeared to be playing with the basket in which I keep the napkins. But then I realized what exactly she had done/was doing.

She had broken a piece of the basket off and was playing with it. I said, pretty sternly, "Pumpkin! Don't pull pieces off of the basket! You are breaking Mommy's basket." She is currently really big into the idea of "broken" and knows that not everything that is broken can be fixed. I thought that would be sufficient... or maybe I knew it wouldn't be. Either way, I turned away to do the time-sensitive part of adding the oats to the boiling milk. When I looked back, she had broken off another piece! I was so mad! I yelled at her something along the lines of, "You broke off another piece! You are breaking my basket! I'm so mad that you didn't listen to me and are breaking my basket! You cannot play with that basket!" And I took the basket away.

She got upset. She hurried into the family room (open to the kitchen), sat down and started crying. Gah! What am I going to do with that? I'M the one who should be upset! I'M the one that should be comforted. But there was my girl, crying as if I was in the wrong.

I finished stirring the oatmeal, I gave the Pookie more puffs to hold him over, and then I went to my girl and sat down next to her. I was not in the wrong, and I was not going to make it seem like I was. But I always love her and care about her and her feelings, so I was going to address her feelings and mine.

"Pumpkin. Are you upset because I yelled at you?" She didn't answer, but I knew the answer. "You broke Mommy's basket. That made me very upset, because I really like that basket and because I had already told you not to break pieces off. You broke another piece off anyway, and that makes me sad and mad, so I yelled. I would feel a lot better if you said you were sorry." I said. But, and this is key for my daughter, I added, "When you are ready, I would like you to tell me you are sorry for breaking my basket." Then, I quickly moved on, "Are you hungry? The oatmeal is ready. Come on back into the kitchen when you are ready, and we'll have breakfast." I put in one final reminder as I got up, "And when you are ready, I'd like you to say you are sorry."

I went back in, spooned out bowls of oatmeal, sat down and started feeding myself and the Pookie. She was soon in the kitchen, eating her oatmeal, seemingly fine as could be. We were talking and joking around as if nothing happened. It's usually pretty easy for me to let things go and get things back to normal due to my personality or how I was raised or something, and the Pumpkin seems to be similar in this. After a few minutes, I saw her looking at the basket of napkins, which was on the counter now. Without any prompting beyond the times earlier that I mentioned wanting her to say she was sorry when she was ready, she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm sorry I broke your basket."

"Oh, thank you, Pumpkin! That makes me feel so much better to hear you say that!" Then we started talking about the basket a little bit, about how pretty it is and how perfect it is for the napkins. We both decided that we liked the basket and didn't want it to be broken. And that was that.

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The Pumpkin may take her own sweet time in doing things, but I know that she is listening and taking it in. As far as I can tell, very few people like to be backed into a corner of do-it-or-else or even do-what-I-tell-you-because-I-told-you-to. And my intense, persistent, sensitive, perseptive child? She has a good heart and an incredible soul. She just needs the tools and the space and the time to figure things out. I can give her those.

Mother's Day Moments

The Pookie did not have the best night's sleep the night before Mother's Day. Londo helped ease the difficulty of getting him back to sleep at least once. But when the Pookie woke up at 6:00, I was just too tired to get right out of bed. Luckily, he usually entertains himself for about a half hour after waking up for the day, so I went back to sleep.

About 30 minutes later, I woke up and jumped out of bed. The monitor was off, which isn't unusual in the mornings, since I turn it off if he's playing happily in his crib. But the door to our bedroom was shut! With the monitor off, I need the door open so I can hear him when he is really crying and upset and hungry and ready to GET UP. We always leave the door open during the night, but the Pumpkin often shuts it when she comes into bed with us during the night.

And sure enough, as I jumped out of bed, I noticed that the Pumpkin was in our bed. But... Londo wasn't! Oh, Happy Mother's Day to me! Londo got the baby so that I could sleep in. I climbed back in bed, cuddled up with a very snuggly Pumpkin, and went back to sleep.

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Around 7:00, the Pumpkin started stirring. I opened my eyes, and she was smiling at me.

caramama: Did you know it's Mother's Day?
Pumpkin: Oh, it is?
caramama: Yes, it is. Can you tell me "Happy Mother's Day"?
Pumpkin: Happy Mother's Day!
caramama: Oh, thank you!
Pumpkin (after contemplative a moment): Where's Daddy?
caramama: He's downstairs with [the Pookie's real name]. Do you want to go down with them?
Pumpkin: No, I just want to snuggle with you.
caramama (heart melting): Okay.

After a minute or less...

Pumpkin: I want to go downstairs. Do you want to come with me?
caramama (not surprised by this not-unusual turn of events): No, I'm going to sleep in a little bit. You can go downstairs with daddy and [the Pookie's real name].
Pumpkin: Okay. You sleep in a little. I'll rub your back.

Then, she rubbed my back a little bit. I closed my eyes, acting like I was going to sleep and trying so hard to not smile. And then? She leaned over and kissed my cheek! Next, she got up, off the bed, opened the bedroom door, closed it behind her and called out to her Daddy to tell him she wanted to go downstairs (there is a babygate at the top of the stairs that she hasn't completely figured out yet).

Although I wasn't able to fall back asleep, I did lie in bed reading for like an hour or more, while Londo dealt with breakfast, tantrums and general whiny-ness. And when I did go downstairs for breakfast, Londo made me sweet rolls and cheesy eggs, as I requested. Londo gave me cards from him and the kids, and he gave me a gold baby booty charm for the charm bracelet I will eventually have, but for now looks lovely on a necklace chain. It was wonderful morning.

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The Pumpkin's swim class is now on Sundays (which we go to with one of my BFFs and her son). We get in our swim suits before we leave, and take off our outer clothes in the locker room. This week, the Pumpkin wanted to put her flipflops on by herself, but I told her that the ground was dirty and I didn't want her to sit on the floor in the locker room. I told her to sit on the bench. She promptly, without a word, slide off the bench and leaned down, looking like she was going to sit on the floor. I got frustrated at this very common experience of her ignoring what we are telling her to do/not do and trying to do what she wants anyway. I firmly reminded her that I didn't want her sitting on the floor, and I put her back on the bench. She slide off, and as I started to get mad, she finally explained that she wasn't going to sit on the floor. She "just wanted to stand up to put them on." Well, that's a fine compromise, and I told her so and explained why it was a compromise (not sitting on the floor, not sitting on the bench).

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The activities in the swim class are hit or miss with my girl. Some activities she generally likes, some she doesn't. Sometimes she doesn't like the same activity she loved the week before, or vise versa. She never likes to put her head, ears or eyes under the water, and although we've been working on it, I'm not going to push it especially on Mother's Day. Not worth the fight, when I know she'll get there in her own time.

This week, she LOVED jumping off the bench/ledge that's in the water. She puts her arms up "like Supergirl" and jumps to me. She loved this activity so much, that she would jump as soon as I had put her down on the ledge, way before I was ready. I explained that she had to wait until I was ready, and that she should ask me if I'm ready before she jumps. She started doing just that on the very next jump. Which was nice, because through most of the class she didn't listen to what I or the teacher told her to do. She didn't follow any instructions really, and kept hanging on and pulling me.

Near the end of class, she begged to go down the clam slide. She loves slides. The teacher accommodated her request by hurrying through the last activity. Then, we told her she could go down once. She got to the top of the slide, and freaked out. The previous week, she went down it twice, but you land in water at the bottom, and she did NOT like that. So there she was at the top, and she started getting all upset. At the teacher's suggestion, I got her to come around the side of the slide and just put her on halfway and hold her as she went down, making sure she didn't dunk at the bottom. That was a success.

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After swim class, the Pumpkin thinks it's really fun to take a shower in the locker room. I got her shampoo and soap for the shower, and she started taking off her flipflops. I explained that she needed to leave them on in the shower. She tried to take them off anyway. I insisted that if she wanted to shower here, she had to leave them on. She did, and we headed to the shower. Where she promptly turned up the volume on defying, ignoring and arguing with me.

We were maybe in the shower for a minute--two tops!--and I had already told her twice that if she wanted to take a shower there, she had to listen and follow my instructions. I told her that she had one more chance, and if she didn't listen we were going to go home without finishing the shower. Literally, 10 seconds later, she continued arguing/whining, sitting bare-bottomed on the gross floor. She insisted that she didn't want her hair washed. The hair that already had some shampoo in it. The hair that I didn't even finish rinsing off, as I grabbed her off the floor, sobbing and whining. I bundled her in a towel and out of the shower. I explained firm, and angrily, that I was putting her clothes on and my clothes on and then we were leaving. She'd have to shower at home. She kept crying that she wanted a shower there in the locker room. And I basically (and probably verbatim) said too bad.

Do you know how the sound in locker rooms carry and echo? Yeah, that was fun.

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Over the past year, we've tried numerous times to get the Pookie to nap at my parents' house when we are there for family gatherings. But it's like he knows there is all sorts of fun going on elsewhere, and he refuses to sleep! So on Mother's Day I realized that we needed to get that boy a nap at our own house before going to my mom's for a cookout. This was really a good idea.

While he was napping, the Pumpkin and I made pudding, and we got ready to go over. We got over there about 4:30, had some early dinner and played with everyone. It was a good time, made so much better by having a well-rested baby. The Pumpkin is now old enough to go off and play with her cousins, which she did at one point, but she still likes to stay around the adults.

For dessert, my mom had ice cream and toppings available. I had brought the pudding with blackberries to go on top. My husband started dishing out the ice cream, and called out, "Who wants ice cream?" Of course all the kids came running. My girl was one of them, and she was especially interested in the sprinkles/jimmies to go on top. Although this was prior to the Pumpkin's allergy appointment, we had been careful all year long since we first suspected the peanut allergy. So before Londo gave any to her, I reminded him, "Be sure to check the label." My dad said, "There are no nuts in it. It's vanilla!" I responded, "But we have to check to see if there are any nuts in the facility where it was made and packaged." Sure enough, Londo read out loud, "Made in a facility that also contains peanuts, treenuts..."

So no ice cream for the Pumpkin. Luckily, I did have the pudding, and I quickly dished her a bowl and Londo put sprinkles on top, and she was as happy as could be! (Although later I realized that we didn't check the sprinkles' label! Doh!)

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We got home right at bedtime. Londo and I swept the kids straight upstairs and started their bedtime routines. As part of the bedtime routines, the Pumpkin (and now the Pookie) has always given us a hug and kiss goodnight. But lately, the Pumpkin has not wanted to give me one before I go to put the Pookie to bed. In fact, probably every night the week leading up to Mother's Day was without a kiss. I don't believe in forcing them, but I do want it to be part of the bedtime routine.

So that night, I said to her that I would like my hug and kiss while she was on bed. She rolled away from me, as usual. I kneeled down and looked her in the eye and said, "Pumpkin, I've had a really wonderful Mother's Day. You have made it so special for me! What would really be special is if you gave me a hug and kiss goodnight right now. That would make me so happy!" She thought about it for a minute, and then she sat up and gave me a wonderful hug and kiss! A beautiful end to a (mostly) lovely day.