I wrote this back in January, but have had it in my drafts because I wanted to have another stanza. I've been trying to write the other stanza for three months. (Should it be about fixing breakfast in the morning, getting the kids ready for the day? If so what dance would that be to? I think probably the salsa... And shouldn't a stanza about the mornings and breakfast come first? But how to start it?) I am finally thinking that if needed another stanza, the words would have come to me by now. I can't force more to the poem when it doesn't feel right. So I'm just going to publish this as is, and if more comes to me later, I'll update it.
When I am in step with the rhythm of the house,
I waltz my way through the piles of laundry.
I sort the clothes to a 3/4 rhythm:
lights, darks, reds; lights, darks, reds.
I box step to change over the loads.
Wash, dry, fold. Wash, dry, fold.
I promenade the clean clothes into the closets,
open, turn, close, to shelves, hangers, drawers.
As I twinkle and reverse step through the day,
our clothes are cleaned, folded and put away.
When I feel the beat of rhythm of the house,
I swing the toys off the floor, throwout the
books onto shelves. With a rock step, I chassé
this doll into this chair, another rock step,
and chassé that doll into that stroller. I
cuddle the stuffed animals for a beat, two,
three, and then push them into their places.
A swingout for each ball into the bin.
When I jive out the door, the floor is neat,
toys are straightened, the clean up complete.
When I am attuned to the rhythm of the house,
I dance through the kitchen without missing
a beat. A pirouette to put the clean dishes
away, an arabesque to put the dirty ones in the
washer, a plié to put away dried pots and pans.
I sponge down the counters and the table
with long stretches of my arms, graceful
port de bras movements to gather the crumbs.
Before I chassé up to bed, the sink is clean,
the dishwasher running, the counters sparkling.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Question of the Week - Accentuate the Positive
Between the incident at the Pumpkin's school, both kids getting sick HFMD which turned fever into cabin fever, the nanny getting sick and now some BS with the Toyota service center (yes, I have a vagina, but I also have EYES and a BRAIN), I'm in a pretty crappy mood lately. Oh, crap. I also just realized that I forgot the lunch I had packed for myself! Yeah, amazing how my days keep going from bad to worse to craptastic!
I really need to concentrate on some positive, happy things. Lighten the mood a little. So this week's question of the week is:
What are some of your kid(s)'s personality traits that you enjoy?
I really do love everything about my kids, even the things that frustrate me. But I especially enjoy that both of my kids (and my hubby) love to laugh and love to snuggle. In addition, my daughter is so friendly with everyone, which makes many things so much easier to do with her. Also, my son so far seems pretty easy going about most things.
What about your kids? What traits do you enjoy? Are they traits that you or your partner share with them? Come on, brag away! I really want to know!
I really need to concentrate on some positive, happy things. Lighten the mood a little. So this week's question of the week is:
What are some of your kid(s)'s personality traits that you enjoy?
I really do love everything about my kids, even the things that frustrate me. But I especially enjoy that both of my kids (and my hubby) love to laugh and love to snuggle. In addition, my daughter is so friendly with everyone, which makes many things so much easier to do with her. Also, my son so far seems pretty easy going about most things.
What about your kids? What traits do you enjoy? Are they traits that you or your partner share with them? Come on, brag away! I really want to know!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Talk with the Pre-School Director
Thank you all so, so much for all your supportive comments on the last post. It made me feel so much better to hear what you all had to say, and to hear everyone's emotional reactions were the same as mine. And all your advice and different points of view were simply priceless! Thanks again.
I would have written this follow-up post sooner, but Friday we got a call from the pre-school and my daughter had a high fever. Sure enough, she has the HFMD that her brother was finally getting over. With two sick kids, we had to cancel our drive down to the inlaws, where we were going to visit for the weekend. Instead, we've been taking care of the feverish girl and the drooling boy, while trying to continue the spring cleaning including trying to kill all the sick germs that are certainly EVERYWHERE.
But back to the follow up...
On Thursday after writing the post, in fact it around 5:00, the director of the pre-school called me and left a message. I got it just as I was shutting down my computer and heading out the door. I called her back on my way home. I asked if she had time to meet with me in the morning, and though she said yes, she wasn't going to be there until 10:30. So I then asked if she could meet with me that evening, I could be there at 6:00. She agreed.
So instead of going straight home, I drove to the school and met with the director. I did not want to be confrontational. I went in with the mindset that I needed to explain to her exactly what happened, and we would work together to figure out how to deal with it. I know that this woman is the director of the pre-school because she really, truly enjoys the kids. We picked the school because it was obvious to us that those at a high level (including the director of this location--there are three locations) have thought deeply and care greatly about the care the children receive at the school. So I went in assuming we were on the same team.
The director really was wonderful about the whole thing. After I expressed my sympathies about her mother, who is in the hospital, I told her the story. I told her exactly what I saw, heard and said, which adults I talked to, and the reactions of those I spoke with. As up-in-arms as I am about the whole thing, I'm also pretty understanding. I don't believe the front desk woman realized exactly what happened, nor did the teachers assistant. As I continued to talk with them and the Pumpkin's main teacher over Wednesday and Thursday, I believe they started to understand what happened and why it was so upsetting. But it's the director who has the most influence, which is why I was insistent on meeting with her.
She listen to everything I said with sympathy and understanding, taking notes here and there on what we call in my world "action items." I also told her about the incident that happened when the Pumpkin and I were visiting right before she started school there. I noted that it wasn't just striking out in anger that was the problem with these incidents. It was the aspect of more than one older kid (or simply kid) gaining up on one other child physically and verbally. It is the aspect of bullying, which is so in the news lately, that was the bigger issue. I said all those things, and then said to her that I know she does not want bullying to be an issue at her school, because I truly know she does not want even a single incident.
I asked her if bullying is in the curriculum, and she explained that it is for the older kids (they have before and after school programs for elementary-aged kids). For the pre-school kids, they don't want to give it the name "bullying" because that gives it more power. I absolutely agree with that, but I pointed out that they still should address "picking on" other kids. At that, she made another note, so I'm confident that they will address that.
We talked about keeping the older kids and younger kids from being on the playground at the same time, though I again expressed that this was only part of the issue. She said that she and the front desk lady would do more spot checks to add extra eyes to the playground and ensure the teachers were not just sitting around chatting with each other and missing important interactions on the playground.
I requested that she let the parents of the three kids know what happened. I told her that as a mother, I sure as heck would want to know if my kid was picking on someone else. And I know their policy is not to name the other kids involved in any incident, but I told her that she could let the parents know they could talk to me about the incident if they wanted. Because I don't blame the kids or the parents or even the school. This is they type of thing that happens, and it is up to all us adults to watch for incidents and guide the children involved onto the correct path of behavior.
We also talked about how they discipline at the school. Generally, they give one warning and then the child "takes a break" on the bench in the front office. She said there is some flexibility to that, depending on the context of the incident as well as the child and the child's temperament and previous behavior. I remember that when the Pumpkin hit another girl (because she was mad she took a toy from her), the teachers were so surprised that she had done something like that (it was a first for her) that I don't think they brought her to take a break but just talked to her about it.
Generally, I think they have a good approach to this. I think. I believe in giving second chances, but still enforcing the rules. However, in cases like gaining up on someone or intentionally picking on someone (i.e., bullying), I think the children involved should be immediately taken to have a break. The director didn't specifically say that was the case for such an incident, and I didn't push it because the incident would have had to been caught at the time anyway.
I did touch on the teacher turnover in the Pumpkin's class, but we had previously discussed it and there really wasn't more to say. She had previously told me that they were just trying to find the right team for the children. I know there is not the same rate of turnover in the other classes, so I'm hoping that it will all settle down soon. I also didn't bring up the long hours of the teacher's assistant, because I didn't know if she was telling me in confidence. (I had asked her to please please let me know if she was planning on leaving so we could be prepared for the Pumpkin, since the Pumpkin loves her so much. It's felt like the other teachers have just disappeared.) This could have been her way to warn me that she was looking at leaving. And if that is the case, then I'm taking my girl out for sure.
We are still looking at other places. We are almost surely going to put the Pookie into a daycare after he turns 1, so it would be ideal to take them to the same place. The Pumpkin's current school does not take kids under 2. But in addition, I'm still not sure about this school for my girl.
My sister's daughter went to the sister school in the next town over. My niece did great in the 2 year old room, but when she moved up to the 3 year old room she had difficulty. They found a really great place that she is now loving. My niece is a very different child than mine, but what my sister said stayed with me. She said it was like the difference between a public school and private school. I have been to both, and I have nothing against either. But in private schools, the teacher to student ratio is usually smaller, and the teachers are generally more able to work with each child's personality. This is something we really need to consider given the Pumpkin's spirited personality.
I think I'm rambling. I'm tired from dealing with sick kids, and the baby is now up from his nap and crying. I think I touched on everything, but if I remember anything else I will add it.
Unfortunately, I still can't get the image out of my head. I'm working to replace it with other images, but it's hard. And I still kind of want to kick those kids in the butt.
I would have written this follow-up post sooner, but Friday we got a call from the pre-school and my daughter had a high fever. Sure enough, she has the HFMD that her brother was finally getting over. With two sick kids, we had to cancel our drive down to the inlaws, where we were going to visit for the weekend. Instead, we've been taking care of the feverish girl and the drooling boy, while trying to continue the spring cleaning including trying to kill all the sick germs that are certainly EVERYWHERE.
But back to the follow up...
On Thursday after writing the post, in fact it around 5:00, the director of the pre-school called me and left a message. I got it just as I was shutting down my computer and heading out the door. I called her back on my way home. I asked if she had time to meet with me in the morning, and though she said yes, she wasn't going to be there until 10:30. So I then asked if she could meet with me that evening, I could be there at 6:00. She agreed.
So instead of going straight home, I drove to the school and met with the director. I did not want to be confrontational. I went in with the mindset that I needed to explain to her exactly what happened, and we would work together to figure out how to deal with it. I know that this woman is the director of the pre-school because she really, truly enjoys the kids. We picked the school because it was obvious to us that those at a high level (including the director of this location--there are three locations) have thought deeply and care greatly about the care the children receive at the school. So I went in assuming we were on the same team.
The director really was wonderful about the whole thing. After I expressed my sympathies about her mother, who is in the hospital, I told her the story. I told her exactly what I saw, heard and said, which adults I talked to, and the reactions of those I spoke with. As up-in-arms as I am about the whole thing, I'm also pretty understanding. I don't believe the front desk woman realized exactly what happened, nor did the teachers assistant. As I continued to talk with them and the Pumpkin's main teacher over Wednesday and Thursday, I believe they started to understand what happened and why it was so upsetting. But it's the director who has the most influence, which is why I was insistent on meeting with her.
She listen to everything I said with sympathy and understanding, taking notes here and there on what we call in my world "action items." I also told her about the incident that happened when the Pumpkin and I were visiting right before she started school there. I noted that it wasn't just striking out in anger that was the problem with these incidents. It was the aspect of more than one older kid (or simply kid) gaining up on one other child physically and verbally. It is the aspect of bullying, which is so in the news lately, that was the bigger issue. I said all those things, and then said to her that I know she does not want bullying to be an issue at her school, because I truly know she does not want even a single incident.
I asked her if bullying is in the curriculum, and she explained that it is for the older kids (they have before and after school programs for elementary-aged kids). For the pre-school kids, they don't want to give it the name "bullying" because that gives it more power. I absolutely agree with that, but I pointed out that they still should address "picking on" other kids. At that, she made another note, so I'm confident that they will address that.
We talked about keeping the older kids and younger kids from being on the playground at the same time, though I again expressed that this was only part of the issue. She said that she and the front desk lady would do more spot checks to add extra eyes to the playground and ensure the teachers were not just sitting around chatting with each other and missing important interactions on the playground.
I requested that she let the parents of the three kids know what happened. I told her that as a mother, I sure as heck would want to know if my kid was picking on someone else. And I know their policy is not to name the other kids involved in any incident, but I told her that she could let the parents know they could talk to me about the incident if they wanted. Because I don't blame the kids or the parents or even the school. This is they type of thing that happens, and it is up to all us adults to watch for incidents and guide the children involved onto the correct path of behavior.
We also talked about how they discipline at the school. Generally, they give one warning and then the child "takes a break" on the bench in the front office. She said there is some flexibility to that, depending on the context of the incident as well as the child and the child's temperament and previous behavior. I remember that when the Pumpkin hit another girl (because she was mad she took a toy from her), the teachers were so surprised that she had done something like that (it was a first for her) that I don't think they brought her to take a break but just talked to her about it.
Generally, I think they have a good approach to this. I think. I believe in giving second chances, but still enforcing the rules. However, in cases like gaining up on someone or intentionally picking on someone (i.e., bullying), I think the children involved should be immediately taken to have a break. The director didn't specifically say that was the case for such an incident, and I didn't push it because the incident would have had to been caught at the time anyway.
I did touch on the teacher turnover in the Pumpkin's class, but we had previously discussed it and there really wasn't more to say. She had previously told me that they were just trying to find the right team for the children. I know there is not the same rate of turnover in the other classes, so I'm hoping that it will all settle down soon. I also didn't bring up the long hours of the teacher's assistant, because I didn't know if she was telling me in confidence. (I had asked her to please please let me know if she was planning on leaving so we could be prepared for the Pumpkin, since the Pumpkin loves her so much. It's felt like the other teachers have just disappeared.) This could have been her way to warn me that she was looking at leaving. And if that is the case, then I'm taking my girl out for sure.
We are still looking at other places. We are almost surely going to put the Pookie into a daycare after he turns 1, so it would be ideal to take them to the same place. The Pumpkin's current school does not take kids under 2. But in addition, I'm still not sure about this school for my girl.
My sister's daughter went to the sister school in the next town over. My niece did great in the 2 year old room, but when she moved up to the 3 year old room she had difficulty. They found a really great place that she is now loving. My niece is a very different child than mine, but what my sister said stayed with me. She said it was like the difference between a public school and private school. I have been to both, and I have nothing against either. But in private schools, the teacher to student ratio is usually smaller, and the teachers are generally more able to work with each child's personality. This is something we really need to consider given the Pumpkin's spirited personality.
I think I'm rambling. I'm tired from dealing with sick kids, and the baby is now up from his nap and crying. I think I touched on everything, but if I remember anything else I will add it.
Unfortunately, I still can't get the image out of my head. I'm working to replace it with other images, but it's hard. And I still kind of want to kick those kids in the butt.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
How Bullying Begins
I think I'm finally ready to write about what happened the other day. In fact, I think I need to write about it now. It's long and emotional, but I could really use some support and thoughts.
Before I start on that, I want to mention that the Pookie been pretty sick. He has an ear infection in one ear and coxsackievirus (hand, foot, mouth disease (HFMD)), which is making him pretty miserable all over. Especially in his throat, where he has sores from the HFMD, and ear. He's been pretty miserable, which has affected the rest of us, of course. So that's been going on and keeping me in a pretty constant state of worry.
On to my story...
Londo had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I left work early to pick up the Pumpkin from school. When I got there on Tuesday, I knew that her group was outside. As I walked up the steps to the front door of her school, I excitedly looked around for my cute little girl in her red and white checked shirt and jeans. There she was, by the infant swings in the corner of the large play yard by the stairs I was walking up!
I noticed that a boy and two girls were standing around her in a semi-circle. Then, I saw the boy kick her in the butt.
I was surprised, and walked to the side of the stairs closer to the fence, trying to figure out what was going on. Were they playing a game or something?
Then one of the girls said, "Yeah. Kick her! She's little!"
(Give me a second, while I take some deep breaths.)
The girl raised her foot, and I immediately said loudly, "Hey! Hey! Hey! No kicking! Don't kick her! Why are you kicking her?"
The kids stopped and looked up at me. One girl said, "Because she's little, like a baby!"
When my daughter is taking in new information or a new experience, she gets a blank look on her face. I learned early on that she was still paying attention to everything. She is just processing what happened or what you are telling her and trying to figure out how to respond. She usually doesn't respond until later, once she's processed the experience and information and has had a chance to sort through her feelings on the matter.
That was look on my daughter's face during this incident. I realized that I could not go on my instincts, which were to jump that fence and show those kids who was really little! I needed to model the type of response I want my girl to have, so she could process that and see how to respond.
So I said, "She is NOT little! She is a big girl. And there is NO kicking!"
The kids then started talking about something else, I don't even know what because I was LIVID and not hearing well. I just gave some "oh really?"s while watching my girl and making sure the others were no longer circling her. The situation was diffusing when one of the Pumpkin's teacher noticed me standing there talking to the kids and came up.
When the teacher said something like, "Oh, it's your mom" to my girl, she took a couple steps towards me. But you can't go through the fence there, so I said to her, "I'll be right there, honey. I have to go through the building."
Now that there was a teacher there, I went inside. I immediately told the woman at the front desk that a boy just kicked my daughter and that another girl called her little like a baby. The front desk woman asked if a teacher was there, and I said she was now. Then, I hurried outside.
When I got outside, the teacher was off herding other kids. That's when I fully realized that she must not have seen what happened. I quickly went up to my girl, and the other kids were still in that area, and they started talking to me about the infant swings being for babies, and one girl liked my shows, etc. My girl was pushing one of the empty swings, still not engaging with the kids, and they weren't really engaging with her. But it was back to normal playtime behavoir.
Once I was sure everything was fine and one of the kids had run off, I told the Pumpkin that I was going to let her teacher know we were going, and then we'd need to leave. I went up to the teacher and told her what had happened. She hadn't seen it. We talked a bit about the name calling that's been going on in the Pumpkin's class and how they are working on it, and that we are working on it at home. Then the teacher (who is really a teacher's assistant) said that she's been working 70 hour weeks, that they don't have enough teachers (they've recently had a bit of turnover in the Pumpkin's class), and that the class had gotten large. She said it is hard especially on the playground to watch all the kids. So, there's that.
But, this isn't the first incident I've seen involving my child getting picked on by (slightly) older kids on the playground (it's in the Update section of this post), and neither incident was seen by a teacher. If I hadn't been there, would any of the teachers have noticed what was going on? It's very rare occassions that I'm at the school while her group is on the playground, yet twice I've seen her get picked on by more than one older kid, which the teachers didn't see. What else is going on that the teachers are missing?
This incident is especiallypissing me off making me see red bring out the mama bear troublesome to me. It's not like this was simply a matter of one kid getting frustrated, not using words and hitting another. That has happened a few times, including my kid doing it. This was three kids around my kid picking on her.
That is the start of bullying. I will NOT tolerate that, and neither should the school.
On the way home, I had the following conversation with the Pumpkin:
caramama: You know no one should kick you and you shouldn't kick others, right?
Pumpkin: Right. No kicking.
caramama: What do you do if someone kicks you?
Pumpkin: I say, please do not kick me.
caramama: That's a very nice and polite way to ask them to stop. But what if they don't stop?
Pumpkin didn't know how to respond.
caramama: You tell them firmly, do not kick me. It's not nice.
Pumpkin: Do not kick me. It's not nice.
caramama: But what if they still don't stop?
Pumpkin: I tell the teacher.
caramama: That's right! You tell the teacher.
We went through the same with hitting and name calling, although it got tricky with the name calling cause how do you explain the nuances of calling people silly names for fun as opposed to being mean? She currently likes to say "You're a pickle" both to be silly and when she's mad (though it's definitely an improvement over "You're a baby"). She's picked up the name calling and saying, "You're not my friend" from school. We are working on it at home, and I saw on her daily activity sheet that they are working on the "You're not my friend" at school.
But bullying? Especially physically bullying? Unacceptable!
The next morning, I looked for the Director, but she wasn't in. I called after I got to work, and the front desk woman said she was out for the day with her sick mom. I told her who I was and that I wanted to meet with the Director to talk with her. I'm absolutely positive that the front desk woman knew what it was about.
When I went into the school to pick up the Pumpkin yesterday (it was too rainy for the playground), the front desk woman told me that she talked with the teacher who had come up to the kids when I went into the school. She said the teacher said it was the kids from the next class up, who shouldn't have been out there with the younger class. She said that they will make sure that the older kids go in before the younger ones come out. She said this as if that solved the issue. It doesn't.
I told her that while one girl was from the older class, the boy (T) had only recently moved from the Pumpkin's class to the older class and the girl (M) was still in the Pumpkin's class. She said, "Oh really? I didn't realize that." I asked if they were going to file an incident report. She said that an incident report was only for if they were hurt, and the Pumpkin wasn't hurt. I was surprised and said, "Well, T did kick her! Besides that, they were surrounding her, picking on her." The woman said that they do have behavoiral reports, but I'm not sure if she said she would file one.
Then she said, "Well, I'll talk to M's mom about this." I said, "And T's parents?" She said, "Oh, yes. Them too." I said, "And I don't know the other girl's name, but her parents too." If it was my kid behaving like that, I'd sure as hell want to know! I'd make sure we immediately started addressing that and nipping it in the bud!
When I got to the Pumpkin's classroom, her other teacher asked me what happened, and I told her. She said she would like to address appropriate behavoir on the playground, which is fine. I suggested they also talk about bullying. We went on to talk about some other things.
This morning, I reiterated to the front desk woman that I wanted to talk with the Director. I told her I appreciated how she was handling it, but I wanted to be sure to discuss my concerns with the Director.
I know the teachers can't see everything, but I feel like too many things are let go or slide at the school. Is it unreasonable of me to expect that the teachers and staff are more on top of the hitting and name calling? That they nip this type of behavoir in the bud early, since it catches on so easily at this age? That they take the intiative to talk to all parents involved? That they should have immediately gone and talked to T at the very least when I said that he had kicked the Pumpkin?
What are other daycares and preschools like? Do you all have these sorts of issues, and if so, how are they addressed?
I do know that some of this behavoir is normal for this age. But... let me just say this:
If you saw your kid getting circled by other kids who start to physically abuse her and call her names, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? This is an image I cannot erase from my head, and I'm very often on the verge of tears and rage!
As we neared our house after the incident, after we had been through what she should do if kids kicked, hit or called her names, we were quiet a moment or two, then she spoke up:
Pumpkin: That boy kicked me.
caramama: Yes, he did. And he shouldn't have.
Pumpkin: T kicked me.
caramama: Yes, he did. And that was not nice.
Pumpkin: He shouldn't have kicked me. That was not nice.
caramama: That's right.
She is taking it in, processing it, storing it for later. Though I can't erase the image from her head either, I hope that she is able to learn how to stand up for herself. I hope she is able to learn empathy for kids who are younger, smaller or being picked on. I hope that she remembers how I stood up for her, the way I remember my mom running up the street to yell at two boys who were throwing acorns at me.
I also hope that the school will learn something from this and make improvements in some ways that will benefit all the kids who go there. Meanwhile, I'm looking into other pre-schools.
Before I start on that, I want to mention that the Pookie been pretty sick. He has an ear infection in one ear and coxsackievirus (hand, foot, mouth disease (HFMD)), which is making him pretty miserable all over. Especially in his throat, where he has sores from the HFMD, and ear. He's been pretty miserable, which has affected the rest of us, of course. So that's been going on and keeping me in a pretty constant state of worry.
On to my story...
Londo had to work late on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I left work early to pick up the Pumpkin from school. When I got there on Tuesday, I knew that her group was outside. As I walked up the steps to the front door of her school, I excitedly looked around for my cute little girl in her red and white checked shirt and jeans. There she was, by the infant swings in the corner of the large play yard by the stairs I was walking up!
I noticed that a boy and two girls were standing around her in a semi-circle. Then, I saw the boy kick her in the butt.
I was surprised, and walked to the side of the stairs closer to the fence, trying to figure out what was going on. Were they playing a game or something?
Then one of the girls said, "Yeah. Kick her! She's little!"
(Give me a second, while I take some deep breaths.)
The girl raised her foot, and I immediately said loudly, "Hey! Hey! Hey! No kicking! Don't kick her! Why are you kicking her?"
The kids stopped and looked up at me. One girl said, "Because she's little, like a baby!"
When my daughter is taking in new information or a new experience, she gets a blank look on her face. I learned early on that she was still paying attention to everything. She is just processing what happened or what you are telling her and trying to figure out how to respond. She usually doesn't respond until later, once she's processed the experience and information and has had a chance to sort through her feelings on the matter.
That was look on my daughter's face during this incident. I realized that I could not go on my instincts, which were to jump that fence and show those kids who was really little! I needed to model the type of response I want my girl to have, so she could process that and see how to respond.
So I said, "She is NOT little! She is a big girl. And there is NO kicking!"
The kids then started talking about something else, I don't even know what because I was LIVID and not hearing well. I just gave some "oh really?"s while watching my girl and making sure the others were no longer circling her. The situation was diffusing when one of the Pumpkin's teacher noticed me standing there talking to the kids and came up.
When the teacher said something like, "Oh, it's your mom" to my girl, she took a couple steps towards me. But you can't go through the fence there, so I said to her, "I'll be right there, honey. I have to go through the building."
Now that there was a teacher there, I went inside. I immediately told the woman at the front desk that a boy just kicked my daughter and that another girl called her little like a baby. The front desk woman asked if a teacher was there, and I said she was now. Then, I hurried outside.
When I got outside, the teacher was off herding other kids. That's when I fully realized that she must not have seen what happened. I quickly went up to my girl, and the other kids were still in that area, and they started talking to me about the infant swings being for babies, and one girl liked my shows, etc. My girl was pushing one of the empty swings, still not engaging with the kids, and they weren't really engaging with her. But it was back to normal playtime behavoir.
Once I was sure everything was fine and one of the kids had run off, I told the Pumpkin that I was going to let her teacher know we were going, and then we'd need to leave. I went up to the teacher and told her what had happened. She hadn't seen it. We talked a bit about the name calling that's been going on in the Pumpkin's class and how they are working on it, and that we are working on it at home. Then the teacher (who is really a teacher's assistant) said that she's been working 70 hour weeks, that they don't have enough teachers (they've recently had a bit of turnover in the Pumpkin's class), and that the class had gotten large. She said it is hard especially on the playground to watch all the kids. So, there's that.
But, this isn't the first incident I've seen involving my child getting picked on by (slightly) older kids on the playground (it's in the Update section of this post), and neither incident was seen by a teacher. If I hadn't been there, would any of the teachers have noticed what was going on? It's very rare occassions that I'm at the school while her group is on the playground, yet twice I've seen her get picked on by more than one older kid, which the teachers didn't see. What else is going on that the teachers are missing?
This incident is especially
That is the start of bullying. I will NOT tolerate that, and neither should the school.
On the way home, I had the following conversation with the Pumpkin:
caramama: You know no one should kick you and you shouldn't kick others, right?
Pumpkin: Right. No kicking.
caramama: What do you do if someone kicks you?
Pumpkin: I say, please do not kick me.
caramama: That's a very nice and polite way to ask them to stop. But what if they don't stop?
Pumpkin didn't know how to respond.
caramama: You tell them firmly, do not kick me. It's not nice.
Pumpkin: Do not kick me. It's not nice.
caramama: But what if they still don't stop?
Pumpkin: I tell the teacher.
caramama: That's right! You tell the teacher.
We went through the same with hitting and name calling, although it got tricky with the name calling cause how do you explain the nuances of calling people silly names for fun as opposed to being mean? She currently likes to say "You're a pickle" both to be silly and when she's mad (though it's definitely an improvement over "You're a baby"). She's picked up the name calling and saying, "You're not my friend" from school. We are working on it at home, and I saw on her daily activity sheet that they are working on the "You're not my friend" at school.
But bullying? Especially physically bullying? Unacceptable!
The next morning, I looked for the Director, but she wasn't in. I called after I got to work, and the front desk woman said she was out for the day with her sick mom. I told her who I was and that I wanted to meet with the Director to talk with her. I'm absolutely positive that the front desk woman knew what it was about.
When I went into the school to pick up the Pumpkin yesterday (it was too rainy for the playground), the front desk woman told me that she talked with the teacher who had come up to the kids when I went into the school. She said the teacher said it was the kids from the next class up, who shouldn't have been out there with the younger class. She said that they will make sure that the older kids go in before the younger ones come out. She said this as if that solved the issue. It doesn't.
I told her that while one girl was from the older class, the boy (T) had only recently moved from the Pumpkin's class to the older class and the girl (M) was still in the Pumpkin's class. She said, "Oh really? I didn't realize that." I asked if they were going to file an incident report. She said that an incident report was only for if they were hurt, and the Pumpkin wasn't hurt. I was surprised and said, "Well, T did kick her! Besides that, they were surrounding her, picking on her." The woman said that they do have behavoiral reports, but I'm not sure if she said she would file one.
Then she said, "Well, I'll talk to M's mom about this." I said, "And T's parents?" She said, "Oh, yes. Them too." I said, "And I don't know the other girl's name, but her parents too." If it was my kid behaving like that, I'd sure as hell want to know! I'd make sure we immediately started addressing that and nipping it in the bud!
When I got to the Pumpkin's classroom, her other teacher asked me what happened, and I told her. She said she would like to address appropriate behavoir on the playground, which is fine. I suggested they also talk about bullying. We went on to talk about some other things.
This morning, I reiterated to the front desk woman that I wanted to talk with the Director. I told her I appreciated how she was handling it, but I wanted to be sure to discuss my concerns with the Director.
I know the teachers can't see everything, but I feel like too many things are let go or slide at the school. Is it unreasonable of me to expect that the teachers and staff are more on top of the hitting and name calling? That they nip this type of behavoir in the bud early, since it catches on so easily at this age? That they take the intiative to talk to all parents involved? That they should have immediately gone and talked to T at the very least when I said that he had kicked the Pumpkin?
What are other daycares and preschools like? Do you all have these sorts of issues, and if so, how are they addressed?
I do know that some of this behavoir is normal for this age. But... let me just say this:
If you saw your kid getting circled by other kids who start to physically abuse her and call her names, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? This is an image I cannot erase from my head, and I'm very often on the verge of tears and rage!
As we neared our house after the incident, after we had been through what she should do if kids kicked, hit or called her names, we were quiet a moment or two, then she spoke up:
Pumpkin: That boy kicked me.
caramama: Yes, he did. And he shouldn't have.
Pumpkin: T kicked me.
caramama: Yes, he did. And that was not nice.
Pumpkin: He shouldn't have kicked me. That was not nice.
caramama: That's right.
She is taking it in, processing it, storing it for later. Though I can't erase the image from her head either, I hope that she is able to learn how to stand up for herself. I hope she is able to learn empathy for kids who are younger, smaller or being picked on. I hope that she remembers how I stood up for her, the way I remember my mom running up the street to yell at two boys who were throwing acorns at me.
I also hope that the school will learn something from this and make improvements in some ways that will benefit all the kids who go there. Meanwhile, I'm looking into other pre-schools.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Question of the Week -- Turning the TV Off
This week is TV Turnoff Week. My daughter's pre-school is encouraging participation, and I signed a pledge sheet for 6 days of no TV. Although the dates I've seen online say the week is April 19-25, the dates that the Pumpkin's school said was April 18-24. I've pledged 6 days, and we started on Sunday.
Although the kids don't watch a lot of TV (and the Pookie really doesn't watch any--just sometimes notices it if it's on a kids show), I worry that it's too easy to use as a distraction technique in our house.
I'm having a difficult morning juggling the Pumpkin and the Pookie and I just want to finish doing my make up? I put the TV on for the Pumpkin and set the Pookie in front of toys. The Pumpkin's having a break down because the Pookie is getting all my attention and she needs my help (like this morning)? I put on the TV to calm her down and buy me a few more minutes to concentrate on the baby. Or I need to run around and gather the last few things before we head out the door, and she wants to come with me but that will make everything take longer? I put the TV on to entertain her in the family room so I can run upstairs and down without her.
And those are just some examples from the morning. I won't even get into the afternoons when Londo watches both kids, takes work calls and sends work emails, fixes dinner and gets the kids to the table to eat.
TV does make our lives easier, and there are times I would not give it up (like last year during the winter with my difficult pregnancy). But I want to see what will happen if we keep the TV off for the week. Not only to force us parents to find other ways of dealing with situations, but also to see if there are any behavioral changes in the kid(s). So I pushed us to turn off the TV this week. It won't be easy, but I'm hoping it will be an interesting experiment.
But not only did I pledge to turn the TV off for the kids, but I've decided to try and do it myself. I honestly don't think it will be that hard for me. There are plenty of days I go without TV, instead opting to read in the evenings or go to bed early. I did not pledge to reduce my computer screen time, so I still have my blogs, websites and computer games. I will be missing some shows I really enjoy, but I'll catch them on DVR or in re-runs.
Which brings me to the Question of the Week:
What is/would be the hardest thing for you about going without TV for a week?
Sure it's going to be difficult to not fall back into the easy TV routine of distraction and entertainment. But for me, the hardest part is not spending time I hanging out and watching shows with Londo... because Londo has not pledged to turn off the TV for himself. He is absolutely accommodating my pledge and our pledge for the kids, so if we are around, he turns the TV off. But the TV is the main thing he uses to unwind in the evenings. It's usually how he gets his brain distracted enough to fall asleep at night. His TV usage does not interfere with his reading, computer time, family time, work or socialization, so he is not concerned about his TV usage.
Londo pointed out to me this is probably not going to be that hard for me because TV is not how I unwind--the computer usually is. He challenged me to see if I could cut out recreational computer usage next week. I agreed with caveats. I will not use the computer outside of work except for emergency work that may come up. And at work, I will check some blogs and post on my own blog, because I feel those are more than recreational computer usage. I feel that the blogging with other parents is a social network in which we provide support for each other. In addition, posting regularly keeps me in the practice of writing, which is necessary for my sanity. Finally, I blog about our kids, and I don't want to lose the opportunity to record things that are going on with them.
You'll notice I'm not planning on going without both TV and computer at the same time. We're not crazy, you know!
What about you? If your TV broke or your cable went down for a week, what would be the hardest part? Do you use TV to unwind? Keep up with current events? Give you a break from the kids? Come on, share your pain!
Although the kids don't watch a lot of TV (and the Pookie really doesn't watch any--just sometimes notices it if it's on a kids show), I worry that it's too easy to use as a distraction technique in our house.
I'm having a difficult morning juggling the Pumpkin and the Pookie and I just want to finish doing my make up? I put the TV on for the Pumpkin and set the Pookie in front of toys. The Pumpkin's having a break down because the Pookie is getting all my attention and she needs my help (like this morning)? I put on the TV to calm her down and buy me a few more minutes to concentrate on the baby. Or I need to run around and gather the last few things before we head out the door, and she wants to come with me but that will make everything take longer? I put the TV on to entertain her in the family room so I can run upstairs and down without her.
And those are just some examples from the morning. I won't even get into the afternoons when Londo watches both kids, takes work calls and sends work emails, fixes dinner and gets the kids to the table to eat.
TV does make our lives easier, and there are times I would not give it up (like last year during the winter with my difficult pregnancy). But I want to see what will happen if we keep the TV off for the week. Not only to force us parents to find other ways of dealing with situations, but also to see if there are any behavioral changes in the kid(s). So I pushed us to turn off the TV this week. It won't be easy, but I'm hoping it will be an interesting experiment.
But not only did I pledge to turn the TV off for the kids, but I've decided to try and do it myself. I honestly don't think it will be that hard for me. There are plenty of days I go without TV, instead opting to read in the evenings or go to bed early. I did not pledge to reduce my computer screen time, so I still have my blogs, websites and computer games. I will be missing some shows I really enjoy, but I'll catch them on DVR or in re-runs.
Which brings me to the Question of the Week:
What is/would be the hardest thing for you about going without TV for a week?
Sure it's going to be difficult to not fall back into the easy TV routine of distraction and entertainment. But for me, the hardest part is not spending time I hanging out and watching shows with Londo... because Londo has not pledged to turn off the TV for himself. He is absolutely accommodating my pledge and our pledge for the kids, so if we are around, he turns the TV off. But the TV is the main thing he uses to unwind in the evenings. It's usually how he gets his brain distracted enough to fall asleep at night. His TV usage does not interfere with his reading, computer time, family time, work or socialization, so he is not concerned about his TV usage.
Londo pointed out to me this is probably not going to be that hard for me because TV is not how I unwind--the computer usually is. He challenged me to see if I could cut out recreational computer usage next week. I agreed with caveats. I will not use the computer outside of work except for emergency work that may come up. And at work, I will check some blogs and post on my own blog, because I feel those are more than recreational computer usage. I feel that the blogging with other parents is a social network in which we provide support for each other. In addition, posting regularly keeps me in the practice of writing, which is necessary for my sanity. Finally, I blog about our kids, and I don't want to lose the opportunity to record things that are going on with them.
You'll notice I'm not planning on going without both TV and computer at the same time. We're not crazy, you know!
What about you? If your TV broke or your cable went down for a week, what would be the hardest part? Do you use TV to unwind? Keep up with current events? Give you a break from the kids? Come on, share your pain!
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