Looking Together Vs. Having It Together

The posts and comments on Ask Moxie the last couple of days, plus some emails on the side and some comments IRL, have got me thinking about the difference between looking like you have it together and really having it together.

For example, my officemate at work told me recently that she never would have known I had PPD if I hadn't told her. She said I always seem so happy and cheerful (she might have even used the word "chipper"). And I'm sure I usually do... at work. It's home where I crash when I'm feeling depressed or even just down. It's in the privacy of my own home where I melt down and cry or sit on the couch and zone out not looking at anything. It's home where Londo has to make sure I've eating something, makes sure I go to bed, makes sure I'm really honestly alright (or not).

So many of us put on our best show for the outside world. So often parents who are incredibly sleep deprived go out in the world and try to appear like they have it together, when underneath they are "hazy foggers." Since about high school, I personally have develop this habit of dressing extra nice when I'm feeling really bad. For me, it's a way to help me feel better by at least looking nicer than I feel and also to put up a facade so the world doesn't know just how rough I'm doing.

And the facade I put up is often more than just the physical appearance. One of my best friends IMed me after reading a post I wrote recently about how much better I was feeling. She said she didn't realize just how bad I was feeling. She said I kind of mention that I've not been feeling well and when she asks I say I'm fine. I realized that this is because I don't really talk about how bad I'm feeling until I feel better (with everyone except Londo). Once I'm feeling better, then I can share that I was feeling really depressed or whatever I was feeling. But by that time, when people ask how I am or if they can help, I doing better and don't need help.

For me, my depression is tied to the Seasonal Affective Disorder (and recently to the PPD), and therefore come every winter. I guess in my head, people who know this about me should simply know that in the winter I am not doing well. But people forget, and I act fine on the outside. To be honest, I don't know how else to act. I can't have a breakdown at work or when I'm out in public, because it would be putting myself on display. Who's going to want to do that? In most cases, people do act like they've got it somewhat together in public.

So when I see other moms looking like they have it all under control, I rarely believe that they really do. I never assume that everyone else handles this parenting thing just fine, that it's just me who has a hard time. I know that not all babies are as fussy as mine, but I do know that most babies go through sleep regressions, teething, sicknesses, terrible twos/threes, and just general grumpiness. Moms who look perfect and seem to be able to juggle everything with a smile--I think it's great that can look like they have it together! Do they really have it together? Maybe, but probably they are struggling with the same things I am, you are, everyone is. For all I know, I might look as put together as they do--and on occassions I might even feel that together!

But the one thing that makes me sad is when we verbally lie to each other. Now, I understand that people don't want to share their troubles with random strangers. But if someone I know were to look at me and say that being a mom isn't that hard, that they can handle everything, that they really do have it all together, I will believe them. If they are lying, that makes me sad. I guess people do it because they don't want advice or for others to think they can't handle being a parent. I understand that, but if we don't share how hard this can be with each other, how will we ever know that it is normal to struggle? That it's normal to have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night? That it is normal to feel down? That you are not alone in having PPD or other emotional problems?

I'm rambling, I know. But I'm tired, because we are in a bit of a sleep regression. I really am circling around two points:
1. I think it's important we don't judge a book by its cover. Especially when the person we end up judging is ourselves because we don't think we have it together like so-and-so.
2. I think it's equally important that we are honest with each other. We aren't afraid to say, "My child is fussy, she is not sleeping, and this parenting thing isn't easy." The more of us who are honest with each other, who put ourselves out there as not "perfect," the better we will be as a community of people.

Of course, for my second point to work, we have to be less judgemental of other people and be willing to ignore those who are judgemental. They are either lying to you or themselves or simply don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. They are not your target audience. But there might be someone listening, some other parent or soon-to-be parent that hears you and what you say makes all the difference in the world to them.

She Wasn't Even My Child

I thought my hormone were still crazy and couldn't figure out exactly why. Now I realize it's probably PMS and the fact that I'm cutting down/out pumping. Apparently women go through a bit of a hormone shift when they wean, and since I was pumping a lot during the day and not so much anymore, I think it probably will affect my mood a bit.

Wanna hear a story of caramama's crazy emotional rollercoaster? This one isn't bad, I promise...

I help out at a neighborhood children's choir that my mom put together. Just general things like make sure chair are set up, the kids get their name tags, the kids stay in the room, the kids leave with their parents. Stuff like that.

The other evening, when all of the littler ones were marching around in a circle to keep the beat and sing a silly song lead by the vocal director, one of the girls started crying. She was probably about 5 or so, and my mom got her and lead her out of the circle with pretty much no disruption to the rest of the group. (I later asked my mom what happened, but she didn't know and the girl wouldn't tell her. Maybe she felt left out, maybe she got her toe stomped on. Who knows.) Luckily, this girl's mom was still there, so she was able to get her. She held the little girl in her lap and let her sob. And the girl was sobbing. Her mom rubbed her back and whispered to her. After a little while, the girl felt better, and her mom got some paper and pencils and sat on the floor to draw with her.

So, let me tell you my reaction. When this little girl was sobbing in her mom's arms, I literally started to get tears in my eyes. I was so upset for her, and she wasn't even my child. But that is how emotional I get when kids are hurt, physically or emotionally, lately. I am mush.

How will I ever deal if it's my own little girl?

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

I'm having a little trouble keeping up with everything. It's just that work has gotten so busy... and we still are catching up around the house from house guests and the party... and the baby was going through a sleep regression... and I was really into my book and had to finish it last night... and my carpel tunnel has been really bad lately... and I'm trying to make time for Londo... and Easter is this weekend... and there is just TOO MUCH TO DO!!!

And I'm determined not to stress out about blogging, because it's such a help to me that I won't make it into a hindrance. So instead of worrying about posting every day or worrying about coming up with interesting topics and well-written posts, I'm going to go a little easier on myself. I'm also going to try to start posting at night instead of waiting until the day to post and try to read all the wonderful blogs I love at night, but we'll see how that goes.

There are a bunch of thoughts I have that I need to get out. I will work on them tonight. Until then, why not enjoy today's great post on Ask Moxie about feeling lonely and isolated as a stay-at-home-mom and a working mom.

My Memory Is Not That Good

I got a few comments last week about how great it was that I remembered all those details about the Pumpkin's first year. Well, here's my confession: I had to look most of it up.

I am part of an online buddy group on a message board that started when we were all pregnant and due in March 2007. But the message board sometimes eats the posts after you type them all up and hit the submit button, so I learned to type it all up in a Notepad file and then copy and paste the text into the message board's thread for our buddy group. About halfway through my pregnancy, I realized that I should be saving these Notepad files because I was really documenting my pregnancy, and later my daughter's life, in this thread with these ladies. I am very proud of myself for realizing this and actually saving the files with the date I wrote them as the document name.

To write up the Pumpkin's year in review, as well as some of her annual assessment, I scoured through each Notepad file to remind myself of what was going on. That is why it took me so long to write them up.

Do not be impressed by my mommy brain, which is as befuddled from a year of sleep deprivation. But you can be impressed by my great idea of saving these posts by date, keeping up with my buddy group, recording important milestones as well as day-to-day stories, and thinking to use them and sum it up in a review of her year. Also, you can be impressed by my wonderful writing skills.

But most of all, you can be impressed with my modesty. It is perhaps my best quality. ;-)

Question of the Week - Birthday Traditions

As I told you all before, I took off on the Pumpkin's birthday and took her to the zoo. We had so much fun looking at the birds (she would get this excited look on her face, point and bounce, and say "bur"), visiting the elephants, watching the hippo, seeing the tigers play and observing the gorillas and orangutans. It was nice weather and good exercise for Mama.

We had so much fun, I started thinking that maybe I would do this every year. I will definitely take off work every year on her birthday and maybe we'd do the zoo every year. I think I'm going to make that her birthday tradition!

Question of the Week:
What is your favorite birthday tradition?

It could be one that your parents or friends did for you, something you do with your kids, or even something you read and think is a great idea.

I think mine is going to be a day off and a trip someplace cool, like the zoo, for the Pumpkin. But one I read about in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, by Rebecca Wells, that I loved was that the mother would wake the kid up on his or her birthday with a cake in their bed for breakfast. I just thought that was so cute and a great way to make that kid feel special.