My Locks of Love

Last Monday, I got my hair chopped off. I did it for a good cause: Locks of Love. (Pictures below)

When I first heard about Locks of Love, I knew immediately that I would one day donate my hair. What a great way to help out kids in need. It was something I could contribute. I have had long hair since high school and I knew one day I would want to get it shorten, so why not chop off a lot of it and donate it help out children who have been through so much.

I started going to my hair stylist right around the time I got pregnant with the Pumpkin. During my first appointment with her and at this salon, there was a woman donating her hair to Locks of Love. I told my stylist right then that I was going to do that one day. Over the years, we've measured my hair ("just to see how long it is") and talked about how I would do it one day. When I was ready.

Well, I was finally ready this last month. Even more than wanting to cut off my hair, I knew that it was a good time to donate my hair because it was still thick from being pregnant with the Pookie. For those who don't know, when you are pregnant normal hair loss pretty much stops. But then a few months after giving birth, the hair falls out. All that hair that normally would have fallen out over the months of pregnancy? It comes out over the next few months along with the normal hair loss that would occur in those months.

About 4 months after the Pumpkin was born, I started losing a ton of hair. It was crazy to me how much was coming out each day! I had a ton of new growth, but they were small, wisps of hair. Unlike some women, I didn't actually get any bald spots, but I was worried when the hair loss continued for maybe a year or more.

So at about 3 months after the Pookie's birth, I realized it was the best time to donate my hair. It was still thick from the pregnancy, and the hair loss would likely start soon. I was even getting tired of the length!

After having to reschedule the appointment 3 times for various reasons, I finally got 10-11 inches cut off. The last time my hair was this short was 21 years ago! Check it out!

My Straight Hair Prior to the Haircut:


My Curly Hair Prior to the Haircut:


My Straight Hair After the Haircut:


My Curly Hair After the Haircut:


Some things I've learned since getting my hair cut:
- Shoulder-length hair is still considered long.
- People with shorter hair don't usually pull it up at night. This was a huge realization for me, since I could not figure out how to get it all up without the ponytail bothering me while I slept.
- At this length, it's much more noticeable when I don't do anything with my hair.
- Although I usually shower at night, I'm going to have to start trying to shower in the mornings more so that it's not all messed up and hard to deal with when I wake up (see bullet above).
- I can kind of braid it still, but not really.
- I can't put it in a bun, and I miss that.
- It's quicker, easier and requires less products (shampoo, conditioner, mousse, etc.) to take care of at this length.
- I think I look more stylish with my hair this length, even when I don't do anything with it! I've watched enough What Not to Wear to realize that my long hair was not doing anything for me.
- I actually really like it this length! Although I probably will end up growing it out just a little longer so I can pull it into a ponytail on top of my head and braid it nicely and maybe even put it in a bun.

Question of the Week - I've Never...

My daughter has beautiful hair. It's this wild curly hair in the same shade of brown as mine. In fact, I had just about the same curly brown hair when I was her age. My mom always kept my hair relatively short, about shoulder length. I know it was because it was easier for her to deal with it, but I always wanted really long hair. When I became a teen and was completely in charge of my own hair, I was allowed to grow it long. It's been long ever since.

For a few years now, I have been contemplating getting enough cut off to donate it to Locks of Love. Now that the Pumpkin isn't using it as an aid to fall asleep or for comfort and it's pretty full and vibrate from the pregnancy hormones, I feel that I'm ready to get the 10 or more inches cut off to donate. Going back to work after having my second child is a good time for a drastic change in appearance, right? Maybe it's all the What Not To Wear I've been watching while on maternity leave...

But this would be nothing new to me. Having a hair cut, returning to close to shoulder length hair. Been there, done that. I can grow it again.

But the Pumpkin... She has never had her hair cut.

Seriously, never. I just couldn't bare the thought of having her sweet, precious hair cut at all when she was younger. She was just so young and her hair so short. I'm sure it's part of my baggage because I'd always wanted long hair and my mom wouldn't let me grow it out.

Now the Pumpkin's hair is getting pretty long. It's so curly and wild and incredibly beautiful! She gets so many compliments are her lovely locks. It's completely uneven, but you can't tell because of the curls. It's long enough for ponytails and pig tails and barrettes, but not quite long enough to braid.

I would get it cut now. It probably should be evened out some. But I just haven't. Or maybe it's that I can't bring myself to do it. Londo used to ask when we were going to get it cut because he wanted a lock of it to keep. He stopped asking a long time ago, and now I've even heard him tell others with a chuckle that she's never had her hair cut. It's become an interesting fact about her.

Which is why this week's Question of the Week is:

What has your child never done/had done or what have you never done/had done?

As for me, I never learned to ride a bike. There was one time when I was about 13 or 14 when I got on a friend's bike and rode it around the cul de sac just to see if I could do it. I did it. But when I tried a couple years later, I was not stressful. So I really just don't know how to ride a bike. I think I could if I tried, but I have no need or interest at this point.

In case you wanted to know, there is a reason I never learned. The reason is called I'm-more-stubborn-than-my-dad. You see, I had a cute little Strawberry Shortcake bike with training wheels and I took a pretty bad spill on it. My dad said it was because I had the training wheels on and that I needed to learn how to ride without them. I said I wasn't ready (keep in mind this was right after my big fall and scraped knee). We argued. He said the next time I got on that bike it wouldn't have training wheels. So... I never got back on. In retrospect, I see how he was right about needing to learn to balance and not depend on the training wheels. However, he did not approach the issue and solution in a way I could listen to and agree with. It was a lose/lose. But he did an excellent job of teaching me how to drive years later, and that's way cooler.

How about your kids or yourself? What has your child never done that most kids do? What have you missed out on that makes everyone turn and say "You haven't?" Don't be embarrassed--it's just an interesting fact!

Question of the Week - Spring Cleaning

First, I wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing SOOO much better. The past two days I've really been feeling good. I'm sure it's because of a combination of the things I've been doing and the fact that my in-laws are here helping us with household projects.

And the projects we have are big ones. Like spring cleaning on steriods! Londo has a master plan for the basement, and I have one for the bedrooms. Both of our plans were dependent on shelves being put up in our storage room. I've been dying to get moving on our big plans, not just because of the coming baby and room change for the Pumpkin, but also because it's almost spring and I get spring-cleaning fever!

And the question of the week is:

What spring cleaning is on you honey-do list this year?

Saturday, Londo and his dad built fantastic shelves in the storage room. Then Londo and his dad moved all the bins and boxes back in and organized the room! Yesterday, Londo spent the day using a heavy-duty steam cleaner on the basement rug to give it a thorough cleaning from the cat pee and poop (and he moved the litter boxes out of the basement and into his office, where the cat can access easier--but this is a whole other post). Finally, we will be able to use our basement again!

My projects have begun with help from my mom over the past few weekends, but a lot of things I have needed to go into the storage room. Now, they can go! So yesterday, my MIL and I boxed up baby/toddler clothes that the Pumpkin has outgrown and we started going through other boxes to get things out for the Pumpkin's new room and for the spring yard sale in my neighborhood. My MIL also finished cleaning out the closet in the guest room so we can now move the stuff from the closet in the Pumpkin's new room to the guest room closet. Soon, we'll clean out the rest of the room and get it ready to make it the Pumpkin's new room! (I have a really complex project that involves shifting a lot of things around and packing up pretty breakables to make the entire house child-friendly!)

What about you? Do you have any spring cleaning hopes or plans, big or small? I'm in the mood to talk cleaning, organizing and decorating!

Ways I'm Dealing with Depression

You all are so great. All your comments have really helped me. Thank you so much for your kindness and support.

When I wrote I feel like the worst mother in the world, it was because I had finished my evening light therapy but I was too tired to get up and leave my room. I could hear Londo and the Pumpkin downstairs laughing and playing. I could also hear her start to tantrum and Londo get frustrated. Normally, I would have gone downstairs to join in the fun or help out with the tantrum. But I couldn't do either. I just couldn't be part of my family. I am not able to spend much time with my darling girl. And I happen to love the toddler stage and can even handle tantrums (to a point, of course). I just feel removed from my family, and that makes me even more sad and guilty. But the Pumpkin still lights up when she sees me, and we still laugh and have fun. And I know this is a short time in our lives, and future winters will be better when I'm not pregnant and am able to take the right medication I need. It's just hard to sit upstairs depressed while life continues below me.

I'm doing a little bit better. When I realized how bad I was doing Sunday and Monday (and leading up to it), I also realized that I needed to do things to help me feel better and get through this. I'm very proud of myself for the things I've done in the last few days. Especially because doing anything at this point seems overwhelming. For example, I need some comfortable, flat, brown shoes (pregnancy has me out of my heels, boo hooo). To most people, it's nothing to run out and buy a pair of shoes. But the idea of going to a store, finding/picking some out, trying them on, buying them... it makes me want to cry because it is so overwhelming to me.

But let me concentrate on the good things I've done, which will help keep me feeling better.

The two biggest things I'm doing are:
1. Telling the people who need to know that I am not doing well. While it's happening, not after I am feeling better (which was my usual MO).
2. Asking for the help I need. This includes determining what help I need, who can/should provide that, and reaching out to let them know I need help because of #1.

Because of these two things, I have accomplished the following:
-I upped the length of time I'm doing my light therapy.

-I have been taking Tylenol PM semi-regularly, while Londo takes night duty, so that I can get better quality of sleep. The Pumpkin is sleeping some nights by herself in her own bed! But even those nights, I wasn't sleeping well because I have a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep (and falling back asleep) during pregnancy. My OB said (as has Cloud and others--thanks again) that Tylenol PM is perfectly safe to take, and I can take it as often as I need.

-I made an appointmnet with a new doctor to montitor my medication, because my old doctor is moving. My old doctor gave me the name of the new doctor, and I had left her a message, but didn't do anything more. Finally, I sent an email saying how poorly I was doing and could she squeeze me in soon. Which led to...

-I saw the new doctor last night, and we agreed to up the dosage of my medication a bit more. Apparently, it's still really safe in pregnancy at any dose, so I'm feeling good about that. She also helped me figure out ways to deal with what I'm going through, including telling me the other things I've been doing are right on.

-I have asked my mom to help me with things around the house. She was already on board with helping me prepare the Pumpkin's new room (and there is a lot of work to be done to get it ready), but right now, I need help with laundry and dishes and just picking up. Londo can only do so much, and right now, he's pretty much doing it all. We live around all of my immediate family, and they want to help. So I'm asking for help, and they are happy to do it!

-My MIL and FIL are planning to come up next weekend, and my MIL asked if she could stay for an extra week. I have happily agreed! I get along really well with my ILs, and my MIL is soooo helpful. We will still have our nanny come during the day, and my MIL often tries to help around the house while the nanny is here. I'm going to ask her for the help I need, in addition to her watching the Pumpkin in the evenings and some nights (she actually requests the night shift both to give us a break and to get snuggle time while cosleeping with the Pumpkin).

-After many talks with my bosses (I have at least three) over the months about what I'm going through and what we cn do to make things work for me, I finally came up with a plan with them that will work for me. They had one plan, but that fell through. Then the boss I'm mainly working with to figure this out came up with another plan that probably would have worked for me a few months ago. But I had to tell her that I am in a different place now, I'm really not doing well, and my needs have changed. So together, we came up with what I think will work for me, both in hours, location and projects. This has eased my stress a great deal!

It's amazing to me how I can feel better just by admitting I need help and asking for what I need. Of course, that means figuring out what I need. I honestly don't think I could have figured it out if I hadn't upped my light therapy and gotten some goods nights of sleep. But now, I am thinking a little more clearly and feeling a little bit better. This will be a tough month, and next month won't be great. But that's only another month or two, and then things will get better.

And then, we'll have a newborn and toddler and be crazy all over again! At least it will be June!

She Wasn't Even My Child

I thought my hormone were still crazy and couldn't figure out exactly why. Now I realize it's probably PMS and the fact that I'm cutting down/out pumping. Apparently women go through a bit of a hormone shift when they wean, and since I was pumping a lot during the day and not so much anymore, I think it probably will affect my mood a bit.

Wanna hear a story of caramama's crazy emotional rollercoaster? This one isn't bad, I promise...

I help out at a neighborhood children's choir that my mom put together. Just general things like make sure chair are set up, the kids get their name tags, the kids stay in the room, the kids leave with their parents. Stuff like that.

The other evening, when all of the littler ones were marching around in a circle to keep the beat and sing a silly song lead by the vocal director, one of the girls started crying. She was probably about 5 or so, and my mom got her and lead her out of the circle with pretty much no disruption to the rest of the group. (I later asked my mom what happened, but she didn't know and the girl wouldn't tell her. Maybe she felt left out, maybe she got her toe stomped on. Who knows.) Luckily, this girl's mom was still there, so she was able to get her. She held the little girl in her lap and let her sob. And the girl was sobbing. Her mom rubbed her back and whispered to her. After a little while, the girl felt better, and her mom got some paper and pencils and sat on the floor to draw with her.

So, let me tell you my reaction. When this little girl was sobbing in her mom's arms, I literally started to get tears in my eyes. I was so upset for her, and she wasn't even my child. But that is how emotional I get when kids are hurt, physically or emotionally, lately. I am mush.

How will I ever deal if it's my own little girl?

Think They'll Come Out and Play?

Hey, internetters! Be sure to go to The Rocking Pony and tell us all your most embarrassing story! Have you seen what you could win? Karen is amazing! And she said that if she gets over 100 comments, she will do two giveaways. I've posted two of my embarrassing stories, and there are many other very funny ones to enjoy.

Well, I'm feeling amazingly better. I'd like to publically thank the Pumpkin for sleeping until 5:30ish and Londo for getting her and co-sleeping with her for another hour. I actually got to sleep in until my alarm went off at 6:00. Then, I SNOOZED!!! I know, it's crazy. And then, I got up and washed up and did my make up and pulled up my hair... all without having to juggle a baby or stop in the middle to grab her or spot her climbing up on things. It was such a great morning, and I'm in such a better mood.

A good enough mood to tell you all about my Big Idea. Just last week, I had two different friends (who are also new moms) say to me on the SAME DAY "It's enough to drive me to drink." Ha! I feel that way lately, too. But we can't all become alcoholics, sneaking shots of vodka from bottles hidden behind towels while the baby plays with empty pill bottles. That's no way to live, and I know that none of us want that at all.

So what can be done for us overwhelmed parents who have little ones depend on us to be stable and care for them in every way? Well, I really believe that we were not meant to raise children alone. We are social animals, and social animals raise their children together. Think of lions raising their cubs or all of the primates raising their simian babies. They all sit around and watch the little ones together. They do not leave the babies alone with just one mama to fend for themselves. I believe that humans as a species were made to raise our children together, but that our culture (at least here in the US) is one that encourages independence to such a degree that we feel we have to do it all by ourselves. I don't believe that we should expected ourselves or others to do it alone.

Okay, so there was my little rant. But I really did have an idea. A Big Idea. This spring, when the weather gets a bit warmer and I get a bit more energy, I am going knocking on doors in my neighborhood. From the time we moved in while I was in the second trimester of pregnancy, I've made a mental note of houses who have had balloons or outside storks celebrating the birth of babies. I'm going to go round to those houses, knock on the doors, and ask the moms and dads if they want to be part of a playgroup. A neighborhood playgroup where we all get to know each other, go to the playgrounds together, go hang out at the neighborhood pool together. Watch out for each other. Help each other. Be neighbors like I had growing up, where everyone knew each other and watched over the kids as a community.

And since I'm not a shy person (quite the opposite, as the strangers in the elevator with me could tell you), I figure I'll be the one to make the effort. I have found such a great online community at Ask Moxie and on a online buddy group I'm part of, and I'm always wishing that I could do more to help out online friends who are in need. I was so happy to be able to help my real-life friend by going visit her, help her pack and help with her baby recently. But rather than having break downs behind our closed doors of our houses, putting all the pressure on our partners, and suffering from PPD or just general hardships in silence, we should be knocking on our neighbor's doors and seeing if those around us need help. I will start.

If you live in my neighborhood, I hope you will answer the door when I knock and come out and play with me and the Pumpkin. We can talk and watch the kids together. When one of us needs help, we could help each other. We can become a community and be better and stronger for it. And the ones who will benifit the most? The children.