Friday, August 29, 2008

Realizations and Pretending

I've realized a few things over the past couple of days:

1. I'm transparent. I always suspected this, but the many people who said that they suspected we were trying confirms it. Although I must say I wasn't going out of my way to keep it a secret. I just wasn't laying it out there until now.

2. You people are wonderful. Of course I knew this already, but it hit me again. My friends inside the computer (as well as those IRL) are very supportive and understanding, and I appreciate every kind word you've said to me. Thank you all.

3. It helps to know others who have struggle with IF while I'm going through it again. I was going to write that I no longer feel alone, but that wouldn't have been accurate. Londo was with me every step of the way, and I had great support from my family and some close friends. But no one else had really been through it and totally understood exactly what it felt like. The closest was of course my husband, but as a man, he couldn't experience the same exact things I went through. The internet is really amazing in helping provide this connections to others with the same experience.

Also, I'm really sorry that some of you have also struggled with infertility and miscarriages. My hugs to out to you, too.

And now, on to some cute Pumpkin stories for a lighter note on Friday.

The Pumpkin has recently discovered how to pretend things. It's really quite cute. I would say there are probably three ways in which she pretends, and she does these all. the. time.

1. She pretends to put lotion on her hands and face. It's really cute to watch her rub her hands together (just like Mama!) and also rub her hands down her face (just like Mama!). My hands are really dry, so I'm always putting on lotion. When I do, she used to just also rub her hands together in the same way. Although now the Pumpkin comes up to me and says, "Hans?" (She says hands when she wants to hold your hand and take you somewhere, when she wants to hold your hands to help her down from somewhere, and when she wants to wash her hands. Really, whenever something involves hands.) I give her a touch of my lotion, and she rubs her hands around, which is a little less pretend. Also, every morning I put lotion on my face. The Pumpkin watches this and then pretends to get lotion out of the toothpaste container and rub it around her face. I get such a kick out of this.

2. She pretends to fall down. She does this all the time. She stubbles and falls to her knees totally on purpose. Then she gives this fake cry and says, "Whaaaa. Pumpkin* fall down!" The nearby adult needs to then go hug her or hold her and say something comforting. I think this game started suspiciously close to the time when I taught her Ring Around the Rosies. I figure that she is learning cause and effect and that she's playing through the scenerio of falling in order to deal with real falls. (I highly recommend Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen, to learn about how kids play through scenerios in order to understand how to deal with things in their lives.) This one does get old after a while, but what can you do.

3. She pretends to go to sleep. She lays her head down on a pillow or the floor and says, "Pumpkin* seepin" or some version of that, and then she makes snoring sounds. Sometimes, if there is a blanket nearby, she will pull the blanket up too. This was totally learned from different books we have read, and it has been highly encouraged by her parents and babysitter in the hopes that it will help for real when trying to put her to sleep and in the middle of the night. It might be helping. I like to think it is. Let's humor me and pretend that it's totally helping. I like to play pretend too!

Isn't she adorable? These cute things totally make up for her recent real life game of trying to bite my shoulder when she leans in for a hug. Urg. Mama also plays pretend then... I pretend that I am not about to lose it completely. Sometimes, Mama is not so good at pretend. ;-)


*She says her own name instead of Pumpkin. Which is probably obvious, but I felt the need to clarify anyway.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Going For Number Two

Here is the post where I spill my guts. I've debated whether I wanted to write about any of this or all of it or what. I debated whether my hubby really was okay with me "telling the world," but I'm taking him at his word when he told me to go ahead. I worry about keeping some things private, but I am no longer sure why I would want to keep this private. Going through it last time was so hard to do when I didn't know anyone IRL who was going through it, and it can be so isolating. Thanks to some friends I found through the internet, I had people to talk to. I need support and I need to talk and write about this, because that's how I deal. Besides, the real life friends and family we have who read my blog already know, so here goes...

We are trying to conceive a second child. Some people wait until their child is older and things are more settled to go through the chaos of babyhood/toddlerhood all over again. Londo and I are in agreement that we want to get it all over with together. All the fertility treatments, all the pregnancies, all the nursing, diapers, sleepless nights, teething, etc., we just want to get it all over with in one big lump of sleepless years. Pull it off, like ripping off a bandaid. Have I mentioned that the baby stage is not my or Londo's favorite stage? But we are enjoying the toddler stage, and we seriously are looking forward to 3 and older. So we want to get the baby stage over and have 2 to 3 kids who are 3 and older. We'll get there.

But how will we get there?

I've mentioned before that we struggled with infertility and needed help to conceive the Pumpkin. We have no idea why we had problems, and we were determined to have "unexplained infertility." I won't get into the frustration of a diagnosis like that, especially when we are the types of people who research and try to fix things. There was no specific "problem" to fix. Instead, the specialist (a reproductive endocrinologist (RE)) recommended full medicated IUI cycles to just cover all our bases and hope it worked.

After 2.5 years of trying to conceive (TTC), 5 IUI cycles, 1 miscarriage, 1 D&C for the miscarriage, more needles than I can count, and lots of hormones, we got pregnant with the Pumpkin. I carried to term (past term) delivered our beautiful baby girl. It is a rough road, but it truly was worth it.

And now we are back on the rollar coaster of emotions, hormones, treatments, needles (oh, the so many needles) and who knows what else. We have used any form of birth control for over a year, and we actively tried for a few months. Nothing. We could have kept trying, but as Londo pointed out to me, we don't know if we could ever conceive on our own. Why are we wasting time when we know that the medicated IUIs did work for us--we got pregnant 2 out of the 5 times, so that's a 20% of the time. So since we want to have this second kid soon, we decided to get back to the specialist and start the treatments again.

So, I weaned, because I'm more ready to be pregnant than I am not ready to wean (if that makes sense). I've given up coffee. I've worked with my insurance to figure out insurance stuff. We met with the specialist and set up a plan (in fact, the same plan that worked for us previously). And we have begun to do all the pre-treatment testing again, I guess to make sure that we are still "unexplained."

In fact, just this morning, I went in for the HSG, which is a test where they shoot dye up through my uterus and my fallopian tubes and take x-rays to make sure there are no abnormalities of shape and that my tubes are clear. The cramps that result from this test are pretty bad, but I'm happy to report all was clear!

On the unhappy note, the procedure room was in the same area where I went to have the D&C for the miscarriage I had. Even just going back into the exam rooms brings back so much, like the excite me of a heartbeat, or the devestation of a heart no longer beating. Things I'm sure I'll go into in more detail later, but having been hit pretty hard with some bad memories today, I'm not quite ready to talk about it.

When you go through infertility, there is just so much baggage attached to what is so simple for other people. We want another child. It sounds so easy. Just sex, right? In fact, lots of it to give you better chances! That's sounds great! But when just sex doesn't do it, when it's not that simple... it's just hard to go through. Again. Physically, emotionally, hormonally, mentally...

I (and Londo) just keep trying to concentrate on the wonderful outcome we had last time. In fact, it's easier to go through this time already, partly because we know the drill, but mostly because we know that it can work for us. We have the proof in one amazing, beautiful, supergenius toddler. I am confident that we will have another great outcome. It's just not an easy path for us to get there.

I hope that it will be a bit easier having a place to talk about it and get support.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

DC Area Dinner This Saturday!

Yeowza! Apparently you all are sick of the Olympics. I should have realized. I got one sympathy answer, and that's it. I get it people. You are done with the Olympics. Michael Phelps has moved on to London, and you all are moving on too.

But for those of you in the DC area, how about moving on to Bethesda and coming out for an adult dinner and drinks? That's right get a babysitter and leave the kids at home! The majority of you voted for the 30th, so I hope you've had it marked on your calendar!

The details are here, so read them and then come back here and tell me if you are in (if you haven't already), so I can make reservations.

So far, this is who I have as coming:
-Justin and Colleen - Probably
-La Folle Maman - Maybe
-hedra and epeepunk - Yes
-zaimah (z) and husband - Yes

Okay, more people than that voted for this day. So where are you people? Who else wants to come?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Question of the Week - Olympic Moment

I've got a bunch of thoughts swirling around in my head. Again, there is a lot I want to write about, but I am both too busy with other things and not centered enough to get it out. Yet.

Besides, today is Monday! No one wants to hear deep thoughts on Monday. And since the Olympics just wrapped up, let's reflect on that. After this, I promise to be done with the Olympics. I'll be back to asking what your favorite color is and why you like your kids.

Here's the Question of the Week:

What was your favorite moment of the 2008 Olympics?

My favorite moment was when Nastia Liukin took gold and Shawn Johnson got silver in the women's all around in gymnastics. It was an amazing 1-2 that they had been hoping for, and they both look just so thrilled!

How about you? Not everyone can pick the finish of the freestyle relay, although I suspect that BBM's favorite moment will involve Michael Phelps body is some way. ;-)