Sometimes, I lose my way.
Sometimes, I forget all the things I've read, learned, felt was right and worked hard to incorporate. Sometimes, I'm just stressed and busy and frustrated. Sometimes (at times too often), I'm not the parent I know I can be.
Believe it or not, the Pumpkin is now 5 and the Pookie is 3! Though I love these ages, they come with certain difficulties. (How's that for an understatement of the obvious?)
The Pumpkin went through some difficult developmental regressions at the end of the school year, but she has now made that magical leap forward in her thinking and acting. She is becoming a big kid. But she's at that edge where she wants to be a big kid and so capable, but also she does not want to be a big kid and do certain things. Luckily, she is at a stage where logic mostly works with her (I can hardly believe it, but it's true!). And I can indulge in some babying when she's feeling the need for it.
The Pookie is in that phase of 3 that Ames and Ilg wrote their book for: Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy? He is all about boundry pushing and testing the consequences. He's adorable and sweet and absolutely contrary. In fact, I started saying to him the nursery rhyme about Mary Mary Quite Contrary and reminded my husband that we sang the same song for the Pumpkin when she was this age. Up is down, black is white, and of course no is yes!
Here's a perfect example of his contrariness: I told the kids to wait on my brother-in-law's porch while I went to get their rain coats from the car because it was raining. My BIL tried to stop the Pookie from walking out from the cover over the porch, and the Pookie said, "It's not raining." As I walked back to the porch, my BIL told him it was raining. The Pookie walked into the rain, turned and looked at my BIL and insisted with a scowl on his face, "It's not raining." As it rained on him. As the drops of water literally fell on his head! Ugh! What do you do with that?
Apparently, what I do is get frustrated and snappy. I was at my inlaws without Londo, and I was trying to get a lot of work done over the weekend, watch the kids and spend time with my inlaws. I was low on sleep, but still trying to do it all.
I brought the kids to my mother-in-law's family reunion, where I didn't know most people, the only other kid close to their age was their 8-year-old cousin, there was a peanut-heavy dessert on the table and I was the only one with a strange accent. I am used to being the Yankee/city girl down at my inlaws, though I'm from the Mid-Atlantic, the suburbs of Washington DC. But I still notice the double takes I get when I open my mouth around more distant relatives.
So I was stressed. Tired. Concerned about the peanut allergy. Trying to entertain while keeping safe while keeping them in line. The kids did pretty well, but it ended poorly. The Pookie peed in his pants, minutes after I asked if he needed the potty. The Pumpkin did not stay where I told her to while I went to find something in the car to put the Pookie in (thankfully, I don't clean out my car much and I found an old pullup). Luckily she did not go near the food, but I was still frustrated.
I could go on. But the point is clear, I think. I was stressed and frustrated and snapped at the kids (quietly so the relatives wouldn't raise an eyebrow), and we went home early. Later that night, after the kids were in bed and I had done some work, I was hanging out with my brother-in-law. I bemoaned the family reunion and the frustrations of dealing with the kids. He was all sympathy and let me vent. But he said something offhand that gave me a eureka momement.
My BIL asked, "Well, did they at least have fun?"
I felt myself snap out of a fog. I was still for a moment. Then I looked at my BIL and answered, "You know what? They did. They really did."
Isn't that the point of summer break and going to family reunions and, well, of being a kid? Have fun. Sure, I still need to keep them safe. I definitely need to hold the line when they push their boundries. Of course I need to teach them how to behave and how to listen and follow directions. I also need to let them have fun. Not only that, I need to have fun with them! I need to remember that Playful Parenting works so well with my kids. I need to remember that when I get frustrated, things only get worse. I need to remember to loosen up, let go of the stress, separate my frustrations with work from my home life, enjoy my kids. Enjoy being a parent.
When they don't listen, I need to figure out how to make sure they listen. Yelling isn't the only way. When they want to do something, I need to think before I say no and consider why not. When they are goofing off, I need to let them goof off. When they push the boundries, I need to hold the line and then distract them with what they can do.
Basically, I need to remember the kind of parent I want to be, strive to be, have been and can be. When I forget, I need to remember. Since that eureka moment that my BIL unintentionally gave me, I have refocused my parenting.
And since that moment over a week ago, things have been so much better. I have been enjoying my kids, and I know they have been enjoying me. I've yelled much much less, and they are listening much more. I have loosed up, and we are all having more fun.
I hope you all are having a wonderful summer! Ours is getting better every day!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Monday, December 5, 2011
Now That He's Tasted Freedom...
Londo and I have been tossing around the idea of converting the Pookie's crib to a toddler bed. But when the Pookie wakes up in the morning, he sits in his crib for 30 minutes or more playing. He's confined and happy. I have time to get up and get ready before he's calling for me to get him. And it's hard to change something that's been working so well.
Or had been.
Over Thanksgiving at my inlaws, the Pookie slept in a pack 'n play in a guest room, as he always does. We set it up where we always do, next to the guest bed. It has a lovely wrought iron headboard and footboard, with the footboard about a foot away from the pack 'n play.
Can you guess where I'm going with this?
During the visit, the Pookie figured out how to climb out of the crib. He put a leg over the top and used the footboard to pull himself out. He showed us himself how he did it.
The pack 'n play is so low that it wasn't a problem. But we were concerned about what would happen when we got home and he was in his tall crib.
The first night back, it was too late and I was too tired to figure anything out. So I just rocked him to sleep and put him in his crib as usually. He slept through the night, woke up and started playing in his crib. So I got up and went to wash up, leaving the monitor with Londo.
A little while later, Londo hurried into the bathroom to let me know he was going to get the Pookie. He said that he heard the Pookie over the monitor say, "I get down."
Londo rushed into the nursery to see the Pookie with one leg going over the crib rail. He put the Pookie's ankle back on the inside of the crib. And then got him out of the crib.
And that was the end of the crib.
We converted the crib into a toddler bed, and the Pookie's been transitioning. We've all been transitioning. It's not been easy.
The first night, he was up in the 2:00 hour. I tried to get him back to sleep for an hour and a half, and then I just brought him in bed with us. The Pumpkin was already there anyway. He woke up early, too.
Londo and I have never minded having the kids (and dog and cat) in our bed. It's the main reason we got a king-sized bed. But the rule is that anyone in our bed has to let the others sleep. The Pookie is still learning that rule.
But he is learning. When he wakes up early in the night, he's pretty good about falling back asleep with us. On top of me if the Pumpkin is cuddled next to me, because he's such a mama's boy he has to be close to me.
But when he wakes up at 5:00 or later, he is pretty much awake and trying to play with us or get us up. So I've been teaching him that if he's awake and wants to play, "Where do you go?" He now answers that with, "In my room." And I say, "Go on then." And? He does!
Overall, we've been up early a lot this past week and had some rough nights of sleep. We didn't think this transition would be easy, and boy were we right!
I'll end on a good note, though. Last night, the Pumpkin came in our room in the 2:00 hour, going right to sleep in between Londo and me, not even waking me. The Pookie toddled in our room right about 4:00. He climbed into bed easily enough, and he tried to get comfortable. But he could not get comfortable or settle down.
When he actually sat up and started to look around--for something to get into, no doubt--that's when I said, "Are you awake and want to play?" and after I asked about where he should go to play, he heads off to his room. I fell back asleep.
The other morning that he was up that early and playing in his room, every half hour he would come in to check in on me and see if I was ready to get up. It was disrupted sleep, but it was better then not sleeping at all.
I thought he would do that again. But instead of getting woken up a bunch of times, I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:30. I bolted out of bed, my first thought being what the heck had the boy been up to for the last 2 and a half hours!
I didn't hear anything, so I tiptoed down the hall. I didn't hear anything through the door, so I very quietly eased the door open.
I could barely believe my eyes. The Pookie was sleeping sweetly in his toddler bed, his Cars blanket pulled up around him. Asleep! Back in HIS OWN BED! Which he went to and got in by HIMSELF!
I didn't know kids really did that. And I certainly don't expect it to ever happen again. But it was pretty cool. Who knows what will happen tonight.
So now, every night before I go to sleep I ask myself, "I wonder which kid will come to bed with us first tonight?" It's a sweet thought and a neat place to be in our parenting.
Or had been.
Over Thanksgiving at my inlaws, the Pookie slept in a pack 'n play in a guest room, as he always does. We set it up where we always do, next to the guest bed. It has a lovely wrought iron headboard and footboard, with the footboard about a foot away from the pack 'n play.
Can you guess where I'm going with this?
During the visit, the Pookie figured out how to climb out of the crib. He put a leg over the top and used the footboard to pull himself out. He showed us himself how he did it.
The pack 'n play is so low that it wasn't a problem. But we were concerned about what would happen when we got home and he was in his tall crib.
The first night back, it was too late and I was too tired to figure anything out. So I just rocked him to sleep and put him in his crib as usually. He slept through the night, woke up and started playing in his crib. So I got up and went to wash up, leaving the monitor with Londo.
A little while later, Londo hurried into the bathroom to let me know he was going to get the Pookie. He said that he heard the Pookie over the monitor say, "I get down."
Londo rushed into the nursery to see the Pookie with one leg going over the crib rail. He put the Pookie's ankle back on the inside of the crib. And then got him out of the crib.
And that was the end of the crib.
We converted the crib into a toddler bed, and the Pookie's been transitioning. We've all been transitioning. It's not been easy.
The first night, he was up in the 2:00 hour. I tried to get him back to sleep for an hour and a half, and then I just brought him in bed with us. The Pumpkin was already there anyway. He woke up early, too.
Londo and I have never minded having the kids (and dog and cat) in our bed. It's the main reason we got a king-sized bed. But the rule is that anyone in our bed has to let the others sleep. The Pookie is still learning that rule.
But he is learning. When he wakes up early in the night, he's pretty good about falling back asleep with us. On top of me if the Pumpkin is cuddled next to me, because he's such a mama's boy he has to be close to me.
But when he wakes up at 5:00 or later, he is pretty much awake and trying to play with us or get us up. So I've been teaching him that if he's awake and wants to play, "Where do you go?" He now answers that with, "In my room." And I say, "Go on then." And? He does!
Overall, we've been up early a lot this past week and had some rough nights of sleep. We didn't think this transition would be easy, and boy were we right!
I'll end on a good note, though. Last night, the Pumpkin came in our room in the 2:00 hour, going right to sleep in between Londo and me, not even waking me. The Pookie toddled in our room right about 4:00. He climbed into bed easily enough, and he tried to get comfortable. But he could not get comfortable or settle down.
When he actually sat up and started to look around--for something to get into, no doubt--that's when I said, "Are you awake and want to play?" and after I asked about where he should go to play, he heads off to his room. I fell back asleep.
The other morning that he was up that early and playing in his room, every half hour he would come in to check in on me and see if I was ready to get up. It was disrupted sleep, but it was better then not sleeping at all.
I thought he would do that again. But instead of getting woken up a bunch of times, I woke up when my alarm went off at 6:30. I bolted out of bed, my first thought being what the heck had the boy been up to for the last 2 and a half hours!
I didn't hear anything, so I tiptoed down the hall. I didn't hear anything through the door, so I very quietly eased the door open.
I could barely believe my eyes. The Pookie was sleeping sweetly in his toddler bed, his Cars blanket pulled up around him. Asleep! Back in HIS OWN BED! Which he went to and got in by HIMSELF!
I didn't know kids really did that. And I certainly don't expect it to ever happen again. But it was pretty cool. Who knows what will happen tonight.
So now, every night before I go to sleep I ask myself, "I wonder which kid will come to bed with us first tonight?" It's a sweet thought and a neat place to be in our parenting.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Signs That They Are Listening, and Learning
We went to the inlaws for a lovely Thanksgiving. My inlaws have a big game room that has lots of toys and exercise equipment. One toy in there is a little ride-on/peddler tractor, which is fun for the kids.
One day, Londo and I were chatting in another room while the kids played in the game room. We heard a scuffle that ended with the Pookie crying. I let out a big sigh, Londo and I shared a look that said "here we go again," and I put down what I was doing. In other words, I didn't run in there to see what was wrong. I went, but I took my time. I figured it was another case of the kids arguing over a toy and whining and crying about it.
When I got to the door and looked in, the Pookie was sitting on the floor next to the tractor toy with the Pumpkin next to him comforting him. She had her arm around him and was telling him it was okay, that he was okay, that she was sorry.
I thought, maybe I was wrong; maybe they weren't arguing and crying over toys. Maybe he hurt himself and his sister was making sure he was okay. But I did hear her say she was sorry, although not for what.
I knelt down next to them and asked the Pumpkin what happened, knowing that she's still at the point where she will tell us when she did things she wasn't supposed to.
She explained that she wanted to ride on the tractor toy, but that her brother wasn't letting her have a turn. So she pushed him off. But he fell and hurt himself and started crying.
I had a split second to decide which way to go with my parenting. I could:
1. Scold her for pushing her brother and lecture them both about taking turns, sharing, etc.
2. I could praise and encourage the compassion she was showing her brother.
It was a no-brainer for me.
If I teach my kids anything, I hope it is to be thoughtful of others. I hope they are compassionate and kind and inclusive and stand up for others. I hope they care about each other and are there for each other throughout their lives. I believe that by teaching thoughtfulness of others, they will be better about sharing and so many other things.
In fact, one of the phrases I repeat again and again in our house is, "It's not fun or funny if someone is upset."
When my daughter told me what happened, I instantly realized that even though my daughter pushed her younger brother off a toy because she wanted to use it, when he was hurt and/or upset her immediate reaction was to comfort him and apologize. Even though there were no adults in the room with them telling her what to do. Even though he was off the toy and she could have it.
She didn't just take the toy and go off on it. She didn't ignore him or laugh at him or anything mean like that. She didn't just care about getting what she wanted.
She immediately left the toy and went to her brother. She immediately cared more about his being upset than the toy. She apologized and comforted him.
And that is success in my book. In that moment, I saw that perhaps my and Londo's parenting was working. That moment was evidence that what I'm trying to teach my kids might actually be sinking in. It was proof that my kids are learning the lessons I think are most important.
It was a moment to remember, cherish, and record for prosperity so I can revisit when I'm wondering if they are listening to me at all.
One day, Londo and I were chatting in another room while the kids played in the game room. We heard a scuffle that ended with the Pookie crying. I let out a big sigh, Londo and I shared a look that said "here we go again," and I put down what I was doing. In other words, I didn't run in there to see what was wrong. I went, but I took my time. I figured it was another case of the kids arguing over a toy and whining and crying about it.
When I got to the door and looked in, the Pookie was sitting on the floor next to the tractor toy with the Pumpkin next to him comforting him. She had her arm around him and was telling him it was okay, that he was okay, that she was sorry.
I thought, maybe I was wrong; maybe they weren't arguing and crying over toys. Maybe he hurt himself and his sister was making sure he was okay. But I did hear her say she was sorry, although not for what.
I knelt down next to them and asked the Pumpkin what happened, knowing that she's still at the point where she will tell us when she did things she wasn't supposed to.
She explained that she wanted to ride on the tractor toy, but that her brother wasn't letting her have a turn. So she pushed him off. But he fell and hurt himself and started crying.
I had a split second to decide which way to go with my parenting. I could:
1. Scold her for pushing her brother and lecture them both about taking turns, sharing, etc.
2. I could praise and encourage the compassion she was showing her brother.
It was a no-brainer for me.
If I teach my kids anything, I hope it is to be thoughtful of others. I hope they are compassionate and kind and inclusive and stand up for others. I hope they care about each other and are there for each other throughout their lives. I believe that by teaching thoughtfulness of others, they will be better about sharing and so many other things.
In fact, one of the phrases I repeat again and again in our house is, "It's not fun or funny if someone is upset."
When my daughter told me what happened, I instantly realized that even though my daughter pushed her younger brother off a toy because she wanted to use it, when he was hurt and/or upset her immediate reaction was to comfort him and apologize. Even though there were no adults in the room with them telling her what to do. Even though he was off the toy and she could have it.
She didn't just take the toy and go off on it. She didn't ignore him or laugh at him or anything mean like that. She didn't just care about getting what she wanted.
She immediately left the toy and went to her brother. She immediately cared more about his being upset than the toy. She apologized and comforted him.
And that is success in my book. In that moment, I saw that perhaps my and Londo's parenting was working. That moment was evidence that what I'm trying to teach my kids might actually be sinking in. It was proof that my kids are learning the lessons I think are most important.
It was a moment to remember, cherish, and record for prosperity so I can revisit when I'm wondering if they are listening to me at all.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving -- Four Years Later
I hope everyone who celebrates it had a happy Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful time, and I'm so thankful for so many things in my life. Including my blog, even though I have not been very active lately.
On Thanksgiving four years ago, I set up this blog and wrote my first post. Over the next four years, I wrote pretty regularly, writing down stories about my kids for posterity, creating poetry to reflect my feelings about motherhood, sharing the wonders and frustrations of parenthood with others going through similar life experiences.
Except for recently.
Lately, I just haven't been writing. I haven't been posting on my blog, on Facebook, on other people's blogs, on Twitter, anywhere.
It's not for lack of material, or even ideas about how to write the stories of my life. I often come up with ideas and write it in my head. I just don't type it up on the blog. It's not as if I'm busier now than I was before, considering how busy and sleep deprived I've been since having kids. I have time to read and play on my iPhone and put together jigsaw puzzles (my latest obsession).
I've just not done it. I've not felt like it. I've not followed through when I have felt like it.
I always wondered why people who blogged regularly slowed down in posting and even stop blogging. I was always sad when bloggers I enjoyed stopped blogging. I never understood how they could just stop blogging.
I don't want to do that. I don't want to stop blogging. I'm not going to close my blog down or just leave it up in the air. Although, now I totally get how it happens.
I'm going to keep blogging. I've been doing it for four years now. I know I'll get inspired to blog more often again. I miss writing and recording my life and stories about my children. I don't know how to feel inspired again, but I will keep working on and try not to let too much time pass between posts. I know that the longer I wait, the harder it is to get back into it.
I am just going to accept that this is where I am in my life. I don't feel guilty for not keeping up with my blogging or my friends' blogs. I refuse the guilt that is so easy for moms to feel. Instead, I'm going to just try to capture my life when I think of things to write, and just do it when I can. That's all I can do.
And how have you all been?
On Thanksgiving four years ago, I set up this blog and wrote my first post. Over the next four years, I wrote pretty regularly, writing down stories about my kids for posterity, creating poetry to reflect my feelings about motherhood, sharing the wonders and frustrations of parenthood with others going through similar life experiences.
Except for recently.
Lately, I just haven't been writing. I haven't been posting on my blog, on Facebook, on other people's blogs, on Twitter, anywhere.
It's not for lack of material, or even ideas about how to write the stories of my life. I often come up with ideas and write it in my head. I just don't type it up on the blog. It's not as if I'm busier now than I was before, considering how busy and sleep deprived I've been since having kids. I have time to read and play on my iPhone and put together jigsaw puzzles (my latest obsession).
I've just not done it. I've not felt like it. I've not followed through when I have felt like it.
I always wondered why people who blogged regularly slowed down in posting and even stop blogging. I was always sad when bloggers I enjoyed stopped blogging. I never understood how they could just stop blogging.
I don't want to do that. I don't want to stop blogging. I'm not going to close my blog down or just leave it up in the air. Although, now I totally get how it happens.
I'm going to keep blogging. I've been doing it for four years now. I know I'll get inspired to blog more often again. I miss writing and recording my life and stories about my children. I don't know how to feel inspired again, but I will keep working on and try not to let too much time pass between posts. I know that the longer I wait, the harder it is to get back into it.
I am just going to accept that this is where I am in my life. I don't feel guilty for not keeping up with my blogging or my friends' blogs. I refuse the guilt that is so easy for moms to feel. Instead, I'm going to just try to capture my life when I think of things to write, and just do it when I can. That's all I can do.
And how have you all been?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
To Tell the Truth
The Pumpkin has a very active imagination. She loves to make up songs, stories, names and, well, everything. She is taking drama class again this year, and she loves to pretend to be things. Most often lately she's wanted to pretend to be a teacher and I am the mom teacher, which is a cute idea.
She also loves to be silly and does things just to make people laugh. Part of her silliness is making up funny things, combining her love of thinking up things and being silly. She comes up with all sorts of things, and I'm constantly amused, as is Londo and the Pookie.
But it can be hard to figure out exactly what to believe sometimes. I know what she makes up when I'm right there (she is not really marrying her brother), and I can also guess quite a bit of what's made up about school (they do not have a classroom horse so they can learn about taking care of horses). But sometimes there are stories she tells that I don't know if they are true or not.
And just to keep me completely confused, she either doesn't understand the concept of "true" or thinks it means something it doesn't. Because after she told me the story about the classroom horse? She looked at me, nodded her head and said, "It's true." One time she even said, "True story"! Kids these days learn that internet speak early!
One thing that drives Londo crazy is when people lie to him. So he's worked to explain what is true versus what is a lie to the Pumpkin for years. She either isn't getting it or is pushing her boundries to see what stories she can get away with. Either way, it can be frustrating for all involved.
If we can't believe her when she says something is true, then it become really hard to trust that she's doing what she should be. For example, if we ask if she washed her hands after she used the potty, we've heard her insist she has even though we saw her NOT do it. But other times, she insists to the point of tears that she has and we don't know if she has or not, which must be extremely frustrating for her if she really is telling the truth.
I always keep in mind a phrase one commenter on Ask Moxie who was a teacher would say to her students' parents: I'll believe half of what the kids say happen at home if you believe half of what they say happen at school.
I know it's a normal development phase, and the book Nurture Shock claimed that the ability to lie shows intelligence in children. But it's still frustration.
On the bright side, she does have an amazing imagination and tells very interesting stories and comes up with very creative games. That's the part I concentrate on, even when she tells me that she truly had the toy first, not her brother, when I know she didn't. Who knows what that girl of mine is going to come up in her life? I can't wait to find out.
She also loves to be silly and does things just to make people laugh. Part of her silliness is making up funny things, combining her love of thinking up things and being silly. She comes up with all sorts of things, and I'm constantly amused, as is Londo and the Pookie.
But it can be hard to figure out exactly what to believe sometimes. I know what she makes up when I'm right there (she is not really marrying her brother), and I can also guess quite a bit of what's made up about school (they do not have a classroom horse so they can learn about taking care of horses). But sometimes there are stories she tells that I don't know if they are true or not.
And just to keep me completely confused, she either doesn't understand the concept of "true" or thinks it means something it doesn't. Because after she told me the story about the classroom horse? She looked at me, nodded her head and said, "It's true." One time she even said, "True story"! Kids these days learn that internet speak early!
One thing that drives Londo crazy is when people lie to him. So he's worked to explain what is true versus what is a lie to the Pumpkin for years. She either isn't getting it or is pushing her boundries to see what stories she can get away with. Either way, it can be frustrating for all involved.
If we can't believe her when she says something is true, then it become really hard to trust that she's doing what she should be. For example, if we ask if she washed her hands after she used the potty, we've heard her insist she has even though we saw her NOT do it. But other times, she insists to the point of tears that she has and we don't know if she has or not, which must be extremely frustrating for her if she really is telling the truth.
I always keep in mind a phrase one commenter on Ask Moxie who was a teacher would say to her students' parents: I'll believe half of what the kids say happen at home if you believe half of what they say happen at school.
I know it's a normal development phase, and the book Nurture Shock claimed that the ability to lie shows intelligence in children. But it's still frustration.
On the bright side, she does have an amazing imagination and tells very interesting stories and comes up with very creative games. That's the part I concentrate on, even when she tells me that she truly had the toy first, not her brother, when I know she didn't. Who knows what that girl of mine is going to come up in her life? I can't wait to find out.
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