Point Break

I'm really close to my breaking point. Things are just so stressful right now. Between to major deadlines at work (and the many little ones that lead up to those) and the lack of sleep (quality and quantity) at home, I'm close to the edge of what I can handle. I hate admitting that, but there it is.

Part of why I hate admitting it is because I really don't want advice from people about how I should lighten my load at work, how to get the baby to sleep or that I need to take a vacation. I know all of these things already. It's just not that easy. Although I could use some sympathy and empathy and understanding.

My IT work is cyclical, so this it is completely normal for me to be crazy busy at this point in the cycle. It's just that this time there are two deadlines, both on May 30th. So I'm going home for dinner, then putting the baby to bed, which has lately been taking 1.5 to sometimes 2 hours or more, then I continue to work until pretty late at night. So then when the baby wakes up a few hours later and it's my "shift" with the baby, I'm exhausted. We co-sleep in the nursery until morning, and once I got that pattern back and gave up the expectation that I'd be going back to sleep in my own bed*, this has gone much better.

I took the past two nights off from working. But last night, she got up about 2:10, and I went in to cosleep. Then, she woke up at 4:45, bright and cheery and ready for the day.

I am exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm crying a lot more than is good for me. And I'm so angry. The anger just boils under the surface, and that's not good for anyone. What am I angry at? Life, I guess. Suffice to say, none of this has been good for my relationship with my husband on top of it all. Luckily, we are both trying to cut each other a lot of slack and get through this as best we can as a team.

The good thing I can say is that at least I don't have PPD on top of it all. Since I had it before, I know for sure that this isn't it. This is just stress and exhaustion, which is still no fun.

At this point, I'm just really looking forward to this weekend's meet up. And we are going on vacation to the beach May 31st, the day after my big deadlines. These are the highlights that I keep in mind when I feel that crack going up the side of me, getting closer and closer to breaking me in two.

*The Pumpkin does not do well in our bed, which keeps both Londo and I up, so it's been easier to just go sleep in the twin bed in her room. It actually works really well for Londo or I to co-sleep in there. Although still not good quality sleep for us, the Pumpkin is able to sleep pretty well.

DC Area Meet Up THIS WEEKEND!!!

Updated with hair information in caps, by request.

Okay, is everybody as excited as I am for this weekend? I mean, I haven't been to the zoo in two months, so I'm really looking forward to seeing the avian house again...

JUST KIDDING! The zoo is nice and all, but I can't wait to meet all you fine people who are coming out from behind your computers to meet in person. And the weather is supposed to be pretty good: "Saturday: Sunny. Highs in the mid 70s."

So let's finalize the plan.

Schedule for May 24th Zoo Meet Up:
-11:00 Meet outside of the National Zoo Store in the Visitors Center between the Conneticut Ave entrance and the Lot A entrance.
-12:30 - 1:30 Lunch in the Mane Restaurant

How to know it's us:
-I'll be the short girl with long (HALFWAY DOWN MY BACK, BROWN) hair wearing a pink Redskins hat (and probably a pink zip-up over a black T-shirt--cause I'm cute and match like that). My 6'4" hubby will probably be with me, and we'll have a black and red stroller (the Pumpkin may or may not be in it). Also, it is likely my little girl will be in a sling or backpack on me.
-Also look for a group of people and kids with name tags.

Who will be there:
-Becoming Mommy
-liz
-DC Ranger
-chaser
-Sharina
-Anonymous (from original DC Area Meet Up post)
-meggiemoo
-wealhtheow
-hedra of Hands Full of Rocks
-Colleen of Wine Please
-Becky
-caramama of Cara Mama

Anything else? Questions? Comments? More people who want to join?

Happy Birthday, Hubby!

Happy Birthday, to my husband, my soulmate, my everything. I know things have been stressful between your work, my work and our lack of sleep, but I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

I've been thinking back over the last 10 of your birthdays that I've gotten to share with you. Remember that first one in college when we got all decked out and I took you out to dinner at The Summit? How about the year that Star Wars Episode 1 came out on your birthday and we saw a midnight showing? I'm especially proud of the surprise party I threw you for your 30th birthday. And last year, the first one with your daughter.

I love you so much and am so thankful of all the birthdays that we've spent together.

Question of the Week - TV Mom/Dad

Let's get right to it... This week's question of the week is:

Which TV Mom or Dad are you?

I'd like to think I'm Clair Huxtable of The Cosby Show, but I don't have enough kids or experience to claim that yet. She is my role model, though, and has been since I watched the show every Thursday night growing up. She was a thoughtful and caring mom, and a successful working woman who was married to a very involved and loving husband. Hmmm... Maybe I am like Clair!

I think I might also be like Elyse Keaton from Family Ties, because of my hippy tendencies... But let's face it. Right now, with this lack of sleep, I'm feeling most like Lois on Malcolm in the Middle. hehe.

How about you?

(Can't think of one? Try checking out this site for moms and this one for dads.)

Cara Figlia - GO TO SLEEP

Cara mia figlia,

Oh. My. Good. Ness. You need to go to sleep at night in your crib. All night long. This is really getting to be too much. Your daddy and I are getting closer to needing a padded cell. We need to sleep again. And so do you.

I know it's not your fault. I know you are probably more upset that you can't sleep than we are. I'm sure it's those darn molars. This is exactly what happened before your first molar came through. I know you are in pain, and that is why I will continue to get you. No matter how exhausted I am, I will comfort you while you are in pain. I really believe that if I just wait this stage out, you will start sleeping through the night on your own again.

But we are working on a bit of sleep training, because I can't just do nothing anymore. I have to try something. I even think it might start to work, because just now I had some success. Here is what I'm doing (ideas inspired by Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution, which I really love for the fact that she stresses there are things to try between doing nothing and making a baby cry it out):

1. Going to you as quick as I can. When I don't, you get more and more awake, and more and more upset. You are definitely a "tension increaser" when you cry. In fact, last night when I left you crying in your crib for just five minutes while I washed up and changed into PJs, you continued to shudder for 45 minutes after I picked you back up and calmed you down. It was heartbreaking.

2. Trying to get you to lie back down in your crib without me picking you up. This is where the "training" part really comes in. I'm hoping that I can get you to start lying down on your own. Hopefully when you wake up and go right to standing like you almost always do, you will start thinking about lying back down. All on your own, eventually. I hope.

3. Using ways of comforting you that don't involve picking you up. For a while, I've been singing to you or rubbing your back while I'm rocking you. Now, I'm trying singing and rubbing your back when you are lying in your crib (see number 2).

Even though it took forever to get you to sleep tonight, you still woke up after less than an hour in your crib. I went in quickly, got you to lie down, and rubbed your back and sang. Miraculously, you went back to sleep in under 10 minutes!!! I do not think that is the end of our sleeping issues (I don't ever dare to think that), but it is a good sign to me that what I'm trying may work at least some times.

I hope that you can sleep through the night. You had some really amazing naps today--two naps that were both 1 hour and 45 minutes long! You never nap like that. But we slept so little and so poorly last night, that I know you needed it. I just want us all to get some good sleep tonight so we can go shopping tomorrow with energy and cheerful spirits. And by we, I mean me, since you seem to have a great nature even when you don't sleep well or much. But I get grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy tomorrow when I'm finally going to get my shelves!

Ti amo con tutti cuore,
Mama