Would You Like Some Cheese With That?

I hate my mornings. That's not to say that I hate all mornings. I used to be fine with mornings. I was never a "morning person" per se, but I'd made my peace with getting up early, getting ready for the day and commuting in to work (which is usually pretty rough in the DC area).

But things are different now. Now we have the Pumpkin, who I love so much and wouldn't trade her for the world, but... she has not been what you'd call an easy baby. For the first almost 3 months of her life (except at night), she WOULD NOT BE PUT DOWN FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES! I am not exaggerating. It wasn't one of those things where she would make a noise and I, a new mom, would hurry to pick her up. Within minutes of being put down, she would work up to a scream of epic proportions. HOW! COULD! YOU! PUT! ME! DOWN! And I didn't "get her used to" being held. This was the case from Day 1. Although, I guess I did get her used to it, considering she was carried around in my belly for over 9 months prior to birth.

Once she was around 3 months old, she would let us put her down for up to 10 or 15 minutes. The bouncy seat was our lifesaver. Other than that, Londo and I got really good at doing things with a baby in a sling. Also, I went back to work around then, so I at least could eat one meal without shoveling it down my throat with a baby strapped to me or use the bathroom without a baby screaming to be picked up (because Mama doesn't get to wear a diaper).

There was a point... Oh, yeah. The point is that mornings have always been tough for the Pumpkin and me. When I was home on maternity leave, there were the mornings she wake up next to me screaming before she even opened her eyes. Those were fun. And she would cry and fuss the whole time I washed up and put on some clothes. (Just washed up and put on clothes--no shower, no doing my hair or makeup--was that too much to ask?) Then, there was a period where she no longer woke up screaming and would last about 10 or 15 minutes in some sort of containing device (jumperoo, play pen, rocking/vibrating chair), but to get ready for work, I needed 30 minutes. This meant at least 15-20 minutes of whining, fussing and crying while I tried to juggle her and getting ready, but longer really because of the extra time it took to juggle her.

Now, I can plop her on the floor of the bedroom and she explores while I get ready. Oh, it's great! I feel like I shouldn't complain at all, things are so much better. But I will complain. Because now she hates to have her diaper changed or have clothes taken off/put on and I feed her a breakfast of solid foods (30-45 minutes) and have to start the car and let it warm up before I put her in it (5-10). And some mornings, like this morning, she whines and fusses and cries the whole time. So from 7 until 8, she whined, whined, whined.

She doesn't yet use words, but this is what I hear: I don't wanna have my diaper changed! I don't wanna put on clothes! I don't wanna eat this food! I don't wanna be put down! I don't wanna play with my toys! I don't wanna get my coat on! I don't wanna go in the carseat!

For. An. Hour.

Once we get to my mom's house, she is fine and happy and my mom says, "She was fussy? Really?" As if she is never fussy for her. Urg. My mom has a great morning with the Pumpkin, and I'm really really glad.

But mine is another morning ruined.

Why I Cry Every Morning

The other day, my husband was giving the kids a pep talk about mornings. You see, he is awake, ready and out the door before the rest of us wake up. I handle the mornings with the kids (and I still hate my mornings). They are never easy mornings. Londo does everything he can to help without being there, including trying to get the kids to listen to me when I tell them to get ready. During this particular pep talk, he said something that included "so mommy doesn't..." And I piped in "...cry every morning!"


The kids looked a little startled at that, and Londo quickly said, "Mommy is just joking." But later in the day, I let Londo, then the Pumpkin and then the Pookie know that I WAS NOT JOKING! Their behavior has made me get angry and yell and/or (usually and) get upset and cry every. single. school. morning. for the last 3 or 4 weeks. Not. Joking.


Over the years, I've tried so many different ways of dealing with the mornings. I used to try to be fun and race the kids! (They always won, after all I have a lot more to do to get ready.) I have tried charts listed what they have to do. I have tried cajoling, threatening, being sweet, being mean, calmly talking through what is needed, getting everything ready for them, being logical, being methodical, being firm, being easy, being silly, letting my frustration show, yelling, letting them do it on their own, praising their efforts... OMG, everything I could think of!


I even had a whole discussion about how I wasn't the enemy, but rather I was their ally in getting ready in the morning. They HAD to get ready and go to school, and I was the one helping them not forcing them to get ready! That one worked for a little while, but eventually, they became difficult again.


Look, I remember how hard it was to get up in the mornings and go to school. It's STILL hard for me, especially in winters with my SAD. But I have to go to work, so I get up and get ready for the day. The kids have to go to school, so they need to get up and get ready for the day. It just has to be done.


So why do they fight me every step of the way?


My daughter gives me saucy attitude, if she even responds to me. My son is contrary about everything and then says mean things. I start off so nice! I really do! I sit on their beds and speak gently about getting up and what the weather is going to be like. Then I insist a little more firmly that they get up, at least start by sitting up. I remind them that we want to have a good morning, right? So they need to get up and get ready nicely. I give them a little time, while I go back to my room to get dressed or put on makeup. I come back and speak even more firmly about how they need to get up. That I don't want to have another bad morning. So don't wait until I'm yelling, but just start moving now.


At this point, I'm usually getting to the end of my patience. And at this point, they are still sassing me. The Pookie is saying that I'm so mean or something like that. Recently, the Pumpkin has started to just shriek in response to me. No words, just a shriek.


That's when I start yelling. Why oh why must they wait until I'm yelling to do what they are supposed to do?!? I try so hard to get them moving and doing the right thing before I start yelling. But inevitably I end up yelling. Usually, this is when the Pookie at least starts doing what he's supposed to, but depending on what kind of mood he's in, he may throw a little tantrum while doing it. The Pumpkin, however, continues to give me attitude and shrieks. Shrieks! What is up with that?


I get so frustrated, so sick of having to push them, remind them, stay on top of them, fight with them, yell at them. After all, what do they need to every morning that is worth this hassle? Get up, get dressed, use the potty and brush their teeth. That is all. I do EVERYTHING else for them, or at least help them with everything else. And yet, they bitch and moan about the very little that they have to do!


And it's this point, 10 to 20 minutes since first waking them up, that I start to cry.


Once I start crying, the Pumpkin feels bad and tries to do the right thing, usually even apologizing. The Pookie definitely turns his behavior around. But I don't want to be in tears for them to realize that they are behaving badly and treating me poorly. I don't want to go through this every morning!


They treat me like crap in the mornings. They are rude, mean and disrespectful. And I keep coming back for more. If they were anyone but my own children, I would have left them! I'm not one to stick around for any abuse! But it's my own children, and I can't leave them. I understand that it's hard for them--they don't do well with transitions nor do they do well at focusing or getting tasks completed without a gazillion reminders. But the emotional upheavals every morning aren't good for anyone!


So I let them know that they are treating me poorly every morning, and that I will keep helping them, but that they really are treating me poorly. Something has got to change, and soon. Since they are still going to have to go to school on time, something else is going to have to change. Hopefully I'll figure out what soon. At least I know I'm not alone in this frustration that is parenthood.

Bath Time Breakdown

It's official. I hate giving my child a bath lately. I didn't used to, but lately I hate it as much as I used to hate my mornings. (My mornings are so much better, by the way. I actually really enjoy them now that the Pumpkin is older. Especially when she sleeps in her crib until after 7, giving me time to get ready all by myself!)

I think part of the problem is that I've been doing the majority of her baths over the last few weeks. This is due to a combination of Londo's being extremely sick for over a week and my getting home to late to give the child dinner. We have always traded off dinners and bath time, so if Londo gives the Pumpkin dinner, then I give her the bath. When I'm home to late for her dinner, then it's only fair for me to give her the baths.

Except lately, I'm about to lose it at bath time. There is something about this age, this 18 month fussy period, this tempermental, grabby, whiny, pushing-her-boundries, run-away-from-what-she-doesn't-like-while-screaming phase that is especially pronounced for me when she's in the bath. It's probably because we don't have enough bath toys to really do a good job with distraction and because there are things I need to get done in a limited amount of time and space.

Unfortunately, all she wants to do lately is drink gross bath water, run away from me when I try to wash the shampoo out of her hair, and fling her legs out from under her so she lands in the water on her bottom with a big splash. These three things drive me absolutely nuts. Let me tell you why.

I didn't think her drinking the bath water would totally drive me crazy. I also didn't think it would be so hard to get her to stop doing it. But for some reason, she just LOVES to lean over in the tub and drink the dirty, soapy water straight from the bath. And for some reason this. makes. me. crazy. I have tried many different ways to get her to stop, including saying no firmly, distracting her with other things, playing with her, pulling her up, ending the bath, yelling, etc. It simply does not seem to matter. She laughs at it all, and goes back to drinking the water with a little smirk on her face. Grrrr.

The Pumpkin does not like water to get in her eyes, so I try to be very careful when I rinse her hair. She is great about getting is shampooed, and sometimes she is even really good about letting me rinse. However, my girl cannot sit still, so sitting still with her head leaning back and eyes closed is simply not going to happen. I end up having to chase her around the tub with the special pour cup (it has one side that is flexible to put against the forehead just so it won't get water in her eyes!), trying desparately to get her to hold still and look up. When I finally get her to pause for a second and get one pour, she's off again. I'm keep trying to grab her slippery, wet arm to get her to hold still, but it's not easy. Rarely, she actually sits down and leans her head back so I can put the soft part of the cup against her forehead and use correctly... in that moment, things are perfect and we are both happy... and then she leans forward and tries to drink the bath water.

Finally, she also basically falls on her butt from standing, making a huge splash. This is so much fun for her, and I usually find it very funny. However, it is not so funny to me when I've just been trying to get her to stop drinking the bath water or rinse her hair and am sitting so close to the tub that I get soaked. When I'm already frustrated, getting soaked and mopping up a flood of water around the tub is not so fun for me. She still thinks it is hysterical, so I let her do it. It's not worth the fight.

After writing these, they feel like such little things. So why do they combine to drive me so very crazy? I'm not exactly sure, but they do. And I hate bath time.

Luckily, after my last fit about it in which I needed him to take her so I could cool down before reading her books, he said he would do bath time for a while to give me a break. That is good, cause I really really need it.

Question of the Week - Confidence

In general, I'm a pretty self-confident person. Whether it's due to nature or nurture or most likely a combination of both, I generally am not filled with self-doubt or second guess myself. I'm also not filled with modesty, apparently, but I didn't say I was perfect. In fact, I do have many flaws, but I know them well and have learned to just live with them and/or learned to compensate for them in other ways. In general.

This is not to say that I don't go through periods of self-doubt or lack confidence in certain areas. This became very apparent to me during the last year. IMO, there is nothing more humbling than being a first-time parent. As I've said before, there were so many things that I thought which turned out to be way off base simply because I didn't know what being a parent was really like. Especially the parent of a very fussy little girl. Those first few months of trial by fire plus the really difficult times while suffering from PPD, they really rocked my self-confidence in so many ways.

But slowly and surely, I've rebuilt my self-confidence in many areas, including parenting. I didn't do it alone. My therapist and I had many long conversations about parenting, and her praise of my parenting instincts helped build my confidence. Being the obsessive researcher I am, I have researched every area of parenting that seems to affect me. I've read books, perused websites, devoured message boards, obsessed over mommyblogs and daddyblogs, and snatched up many parenting magazines. I've had good conversations with our pediatrician. I've watched my sister and her family, my brother and his family, and many friends and relatives go through these early years of parenting. Most importantly, I listened to myself, my husband and to my baby.

So now I'm feeling pretty confident that the choices Londo and I have made are the right ones for us and for the Pumpkin. Even when those choices are not necessarily the "norms" of society. I've heard of other people getting anything from funny looks to big lectures on some of the choices they've made which are the same that I've made. I've been thinking that I must be very fortunate in that most people haven't given me a hard time about my choices, even when they don't choose the same or may not even agree completely.

But is it just luck? Or is it my confidence in the choices I made and the ability to back up my choices with research or observations about my child? I'm sure it's a combination of both, since I know other confident parents who get harassed by well-meaning (or maybe not well-meaning) people telling them that the decisions they made are wrong. But still, I believe that confidence not only helps to keep other people from questioning you (at least to your face), it also helps you not second guess your decisions based on what some mis-informed and highly opinionated stranger might say to you.

That got me thinking and wondering, which in turn makes me want to ask this Question of the Week:

What parenting decision have you made that you are confident about?

The first one that comes to my mind is "extended" breastfeeding*. I'm continuing to breastfeed past one year. Granted, I did move to whole milk for the Pumpkin during the day, but that was really so I could stop pumping. I still nurse her at night, in the mornings and when I'm home during the weekend and she seems to need/want it. Of course, I researched the natural age for weaning, read the AAP recommendation that "Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child" and discovered that the WHO recommends breastfeeding continue for "up to two years of age or beyond." In addition to having done the research, I'm completely confident that this is the right decision for the Pumpkin and for me and Londo. I know she will continue to get benefits from the breastmilk, and the bonding of nursing is a great benefit to both of us.

I tend to just talk about my continuing to breastfeed as if it's the most normal thing in the world, which I believe it is in most of the rest of the world. If anyone has given me a funny look, I haven't noticed because I simply can't imagine who would. If anyone does look at me funny or indicate that I shouldn't still be nursing, I'm more than happy to educate that person on the medical research and the fact that this decision is right for my family.

Have you made any decision(s) that others could question, or that even you questioned, but now you are confident in the decision(s)? I'd love to hear about it!

*For the record, I hate this term. Just because people breastfeed beyond a year should not label it "extended" when in fact it is both normal and healthy for children to continue breastfeeding beyond a year, our social and cultural norms aside.

A Baby You Can Put Down!

A few months ago, I was chatting with a coworker friend who said she didn't understand why people couldn't take showers when they had newborns. She had a friend who had said this, and she just didn't understand why her friend couldn't make time to shower. She said that when she had her baby, she would put him down for a nap or put him in a swing or bouncy seat and take a shower. I decided to provide the other perspective and explained that we simply could. not. put. the Pumpkin. down. For the first three months of her life, she would scream bloody murder as soon as we tried to put her down or in a swing or in a bouncy seat (with the exception of nights, as long as she was swaddled, well fed, fast asleep and in the dark of night when put down, usually in the swing).

My friend then asked why not just ask the husbands to hold the baby so we could shower? I told her that is what I did, except after Londo went back to work. Then, the minute he walked through the door from work, I'd shove gently pass over the baby to him and just want to go sit by myself or lie down and rest. I would not have the energy to shower at that point in the day. And Londo left for work before we woke up, so there was no shower then. Oh, I used to HATE my mornings!

In the comments from Monday's post (to which I finally added my comment!), Paola said she was impressed that I was blogging. When the Pumpkin was an infant, there would have been no way I could have blogged--I could barely get a shower. But right now? I'm able to blog because the nanny is taking care of the Pumpkin and Pookie is asleep IN THE COSLEEPER! By himself! Not being held! Seriously!

Londo and I had heard rumors about babies that can be put down. Babies that sleep on their own. Babies that would lie there and look around contentedly. We heard these rumors for years! But we were sure we could believe those rumors... until now!

My Pookie boy is soooooo beautiful. He seems healthy and happy so far. He gets fussy when he's hungry, needs to be changed and has gas that won't come out (anyone have any tips of burping babies who don't easily burp?). But other than that? So far, he's pretty easy. And those thing that he fusses about? Those are the things that babies (and some adults) fuss about anyway!

Being able to put him down has opened up a whole new world for me and Londo. We are able to do things that we wouldn't have dreamed of attempting when the Pumpkin was an infant. Like putting the baby in a swing while I showered the other day! Or laying him down in the cosleeper while I wash up for bed most nights! Being able to do these things without holding a baby or without a baby screaming are sooooo helpful, because Londo is usually taking care of the Pumpkin while I'm doing these things. And because I'm healing from the c-section (major abdominal surgery, people!), I can't just go up and down the stairs any time I'd like or take care of the Pumpkin in the ways she needs or wants. So I'm really on baby duty, stuck upstairs and in bed as much as possible while I heal. (This was a huge part of the reason I was hoping for a VBAC.)

Now, I love every aspect of my little Pumpkin girl. I honestly would not change a thing about her, her personality or what we have gone through. She was a high-needs baby, especially hard in the areas of sleep, fidgety-ness, fussiness and not being put-down-able. But that is because she is FULL of energy, inquisitiveness, sensitivity and love. How can I not want her to be those things, even if it means we are still dealing with long bedtimes, middle of the night visits, constant vigilance while watching her and expended energy trying to keep up with her? It also means lots of cuddles, laughs and amazement at what a super genius she is.

It's very nice that our second child can be put down so we can have some relief. Granted he's only 10 days old, but signs look good so far. I'm sure he'll have his own difficult areas and quirks. I will love those aspects of him as well, I'm sure. But right now, we are just enjoying the time holding him... and not holding him!

Too Cranky to be Creative

As the title of today's post indicates, I'm feeling too cranky to be creative today. I'm pretty much too cranky and exhausted to do much of anything, and yet I have a very busy day of work ahead of me. Sigh...

So, let's see. Have I mentioned that the Pumpkin is in a fussy period? Oh, I did. Have I mentioned that the Pumpkin is a fussy child in general? Hmmm, I did. Have I mentioned that I hate my mornings? Yeah, I mentioned that too.

Okay, I have nothing new to say except that this child may very well be the death of me. And now I have to get to work since I'm running SO late today.

I hope you all are having better nights and days than me. :-)