Parenting with SAD, Part 3: Conception, Miscarriage and Pregnancy

Once Londo and I were ready to start a family, I really had to think in depth about my disorder and how it would affect my parenting and my kids. I still wasn’t able to find much about how SAD affects parenting, but I did research into recurring depression. Turns out, women who suffer from depression are at a higher risk for postpartum depression (PPD). Londo and I thought it would be better if we had a baby in the late spring or summer for the PPD reason, and also because I was worried about having the energy every fall or winter to plan and deal with birthday parties.

Unfortunately, we had fertility issues, and at a certain point with those issues you have to give up trying to time an ideal birthday and simply do whatever you can to get pregnant. It was really hard to give that up. Adding to the heartbreak of infertility, we had to come to terms with the fact that if we did get pregnant, we might have a baby at a really rough time for us, making things extra hard. But though it was difficult, we did our best to make peace with it and began fertility treatments.

When we finally did get pregnant, we found out in December and the due date was September 3rd, so we started to mentally prepare ourselves for a very tough winter the following year with a newborn. Unfortunately, that baby was not meant to be, and the tough winter was right then.

It’s an understatement to say that dealing with a miscarriage in January was difficult and emotionally rough. A miscarriage in and of itself is (or can be) devastating, especially after trying for so long already. Add to that the chemical issues that normally have me exhausted and depressed, and well, it wasn’t pretty. It was not a hard decision for us to decide to take a cruise in early March down in the Caribbean, both to ease the pain of the lost baby and to get me more sunlight.

My next pregnancy, the one that resulted in my awesome and beautiful Pumpkin girl, started in June. I thought this would be a good thing, but the exhaustion of the first trimester is very much like the exhaustion I feel in winters. So instead of having half a year or so of energy, I had almost a full year of close to overwhelming exhaustion. I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have easy pregnancies anyway, but I definitely found it rough that entire 41.5 weeks.

Surprisingly, my third trimester in January and February was not as bad as we thought it would be. I made sure I had enough time to do my light therapy, Londo saw to my comforts and my dad drove me to and from work (which was close to his office at the time). My work was incredibly busy and stressful, but I was able to work from home 2-3 days a week, and full time in the 2 weeks prior to my due date and until I went into labor. I was disappointed that I didn’t have the energy and time to do all the nesting that my instincts were screaming for, but we got enough done to be ready for a new baby.

The Pumpkin’s due date was early March. I was concerned about my lack of energy becoming an issue during labor and delivery, so we lined up a duola. Although I knew Londo would be an excellent couch, I figured a duola could provide additional help and might have ways to help me through rough patches. I believe that it really did help having the duola there, even though I ended up with a C-section. And I feel very confident that the C-section had nothing to do with the Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Overall, that pregnancy was manageable, though difficult.

But being pregnant while having a toddler during the winter? That was the hardest time period in my life.

The Pumpkin has always been a spirited, active little girl who needs a lot of attention and interaction. In the winters, I become more introverted, needing to decrease my interactions with others and needing to have a certain amount of time to myself. In addition, I need time to do my light therapy, which again is too strong of a light to have in front of the little, developing eyes of toddlers and I have to sit still in front of instead of running around after a kiddo.

In winters prior to having kids, Londo had not only helped take care of some of my basic needs, but he also took over pretty much all of the pets’ care and the majority of the household chores. After having the Pumpkin, Londo had to also take over the majority of her care as well. On top of all that, I was having a rough pregnancy and becoming more and more depressed, even though I was doing lots of light therapy and had even started medication.

Depression during pregnancy was no fun. When I started losing weight in my second trimester, was barely making it into work, and was resenting the time I spent in front of my light instead of with my toddler who was having fun with her daddy, I knew it was time to make a change. I talked with my doctor and decided to up my medication dosage, and I made some additional changes to help me and Londo get through that winter. It was hard to admit that my depression was out of my control and that I needed more help. But at a certain point, I just had to bite the bullet and admit I couldn't manage on my own, especially when the health and well-being of my toddler and the baby in my belly was at risk.

But thanks to help from family, special considerations from work, and upped medication and light therapy, we made it through that winter! The Pookie was born healthy and happy (though again through a C-section after a failed attempt at a VBAC) in June.

Perhaps other people with Seasonal Affective Disorder have had easier pregnancies. Perhaps they were able to conceive with no problems, deliver at an ideal time, don't have miscarriages in the depths of winter. Perhaps the glow of pregnancy kept them warm and happy all winter long, the crazy pregnancy hormones providing energy and happiness through the short days and long nights. I hope that is the case for others, but it simply was not the case for me.

So yes, trying to conceive, the miscarriage and the pregnancies were tough for me. But the biggest upside to this condition is that I (and my family and friends) know that things will get better in the spring. Of course, the biggest downside is that I (we) have to deal with it every fall through winter. Those of us with SAD have to continue on with our lives and manage the disorder through the tough times. We can't stop planning our futures, our families, our lives because half of the year is a tough time for us. It's just about figuring how to get through the tough times, managing our health, and forging ahead, knowing that things will get easier over time.

And isn't that the case with just about everything difficult in life?

Parenting with SAD, Part 2: Treatment

Last week, I was late to the holiday party at my son’s daycare because I had to sit in front of a special therapy light before heading to the party. I debated skipping the afternoon session of light therapy so I could make it to the beginning of the party, but I had missed my afternoon session the day before and barely made it through the evening, falling asleep while putting my daughter to bed at 8:00. It’s better for my kids (as well as myself and my husband) if I am late to the party instead of missing a session of light.

Treatment for my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that will truly work for me within the constraints of my life is critical to my health, my children’s well-being and Londo’s sanity. It has taken me years to figure out what the right treatment is for me, and unfortunately the constraints of my life seem to change every year since having kids. At least every year I learn something from the year prior, and each year I’m getting better and better at staying on top of my treatments.

Before I had children, I started doing light therapy sessions once I realized I had SAD. I bought a couple of special therapy lights, which are bright lights that mimic the sunlight minus the harmful (and tanning) UV rays. Light therapy sessions involve sitting in front of the light at a certain distance with eyes open so as to “receive” the light through the eyes, the only truly proven way that the light therapy works. So I don’t get a nice tan, I can’t just sleep through the light therapy session, and I can’t move around because I have to stay that certain distance. It’s bright, which makes it hard for me to do certain thing like watch TV and makes it very obvious to anyone nearby that it’s not a normal light. The amount of light therapy I need increases the later into the winter it gets. Also, since the light helps reset the body’s circadian rhythm/internal wake-sleep clock, people with SAD are supposed to do the light first thing in the morning, and certain people (me included) also need a shorter session in the afternoon for a late-day boost.

When it’s late winter, I need the most light therapy, which would end up being almost 2 hours in the morning and another hour in the afternoon. That is 3 hours a day sitting in front of this bright light. That was manageable before kids and when I had an office with a door I could shut at work.

But now? I don’t have 3 hours to spend sitting around, except when I’m at work—but I sit in a cubicle now and am not going to have a light bright enough to land airplanes shining in my eyes while people are walking around me. I am not going to wake up at 4:00 in the morning to make sure I get 2 hours of light therapy in before my toddler wakes up—I don’t get enough sleep as it is!

And even with 3 hours of light therapy a day, I would just barely get by. I was still exhausted all the time, and only slightly depressed, which at least was an improvement to being so depressed that I couldn’t get off the couch to take basic care of myself. The 3 hours of light therapy and a dawn simulator (my alarm clock that starts to light up gradually 30 minutes prior to the alarm going off) was just enough to get me out of bed, to work, and back home. Once home, maybe I’d eat a dinner and watch TV with Londo, or maybe I’d curl up on the couch and stare off into space until Londo made me eat something and go to bed. (I could go on about how bad it would get, but I don’t think I need to. If you’ve ever been depressed or if you remember the exhaustion you felt in the first trimester of pregnancy, you’ve got an idea of what I would go through.) Though the light therapy kept me from being unable to function, it just hasn’t been enough for me to truly feel like myself all year round.

Thank goodness for medication!

Going on Zoloft in the winters, combined with (shorter amounts of) light therapy, has made such a huge difference in my life. It was a hard decision for me to make, but once I did I wondered why I ever hesitated! What made me decide to try the medication was knowing I was going to be pregnant during the winter, and time for and effect from the light therapy was just not going to cut it.

This winter is my third on medication, and I can’t tell you what a difference it has made! I am able to care for myself, my children, my house, my husband, my pets without feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad--but who doesn’t? Granted my bad weeks really suck, but that usually means that I’ve not kept on top of the medication or my light or or my vitamins (multivitamin, vitamin D supplements and fish oil) or getting enough sleep, all of which I have to be very cognizant of upping dose or time as needed.

I’ll be honest, I wish I didn’t have to spend any time in front of the therapy light. But I tried going with just medication as treatment this fall, and that did not work out so well. At least with the medication, I don’t have to spend as much time in front of my light.

And that’s the toughest part about treating SAD as a parent. The time it takes. My kids are still to young to be right in front of the light (this is my opinion, as I’ve not found any age-specific recommendations for safety), and if they are in the same room as me, they often want to see what I’m doing or I need to get up to figure out what they are into. It’s not the relaxing time I need to settle down in front of my light. And the time I spend in front of my light takes away from my time with the kids, either playing with them or getting them ready for pre-school/daycare, or it takes time away from sleep, of which I need more in the winter than in the summer with a minimum average of 8 hours a night. Making sure I get that sleep and the time for my light therapy in the morning takes away spending time with Londo in the evenings or having time to myself or watching TV shows or reading or blogging. Or it means that Londo has to take more night-shift duty with the kids, which gets hard on him.

SAD seems like it’s easy to treat: medication, light therapy, dawn simulator alarm, vitamins and supplements, getting enough sleep or whichever combination of these that works for a person. And exercising and eating right would totally help! But it really is a struggle and a trade-off for each treatment, especially with young kids in the house. There are side effects of medication. The light therapy takes time away from other things. The dawn simulator might wake my daughter who comes into bed with us every night, so I haven’t been using it. Missing dosages of vitamins or supplements causes immediate reactions. Getting enough good-quality sleep is something I dream of when I’m trying to sleep (see previous sentence about daughter in bed, plus night-wakings with toddler during teething episodes like last night).

Fortunately, I know that the trade-offs are worth it considering what going without treatment does to me. And as I said earlier, each year I’m able to learn more about how to stay on top of my treatments and how to better incorporate what I need to get through the winter within the constraints of my life with young children. I have high hopes that each year will continue to get better.

Parenting with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), Part 1: Valid Concerns

Two days ago was the winter solstice: the day of the year with the shortest amount of daylight in the northern hemisphere. That’s a problem for me, because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Sunlight increases the production of serotonin (a happy brain endorphin) and decreases the production of melatonin (the brain chemical that makes you sleepy). The lack of sunlight in the winter causes me to go from tired to exhausted to depressed to severely depressed.

I’ll never forget when I first figured out that I had SAD 8 years ago. It was such a relief to finally know why I had recurring depression and to understand the cause of it! Not everyone who suffers with depression gets a definitive reason for it and the ability to give a scientific explanation about chemical reactions of the body to an outside source. I had those, and I was also able to look back on my life and put pieces in place that did not previously make sense. To think back to difficulties in my childhood and disparities between my personality and behavior in the winter versus summer and be able to understand what was going on in my life! Oh, it was priceless.

But as cathartic as it was to figure it out and make sense of things in my past, it was also a daunting diagnosis when thinking about the future. This is a recurring condition. I was going to go through the exhaustion/depression every. single. winter. It would affect my life every year. It wouldn’t just go away if I thought positively or exercised or drank more coffee. I would have to figure out treatments and follow through every fall through spring.

Even back then, I started to think ahead to life as a parent. It was a natural extension of my previous concern: How was I going to raise children when I would occasionally get depressed for no reason I could understand? Now that I understood the whens and whys of my depression and exhaustion, my concern about raising kids as a mother with recurring depression was still a valid concern. And back then, I didn’t even take into account how the SAD would affect my pregnancies and postpartum time.

When I first started looking into information about SAD, the treatments and any helpful advice about living with the disorder, I didn’t find much relating to being a parent with this disorder. In fact, the only thing I remember finding was that the therapy light was too bright for developing eyes, so infants and young children should not be around it. (I have since learned that young children are okay around it, so long as they aren’t staring at it.) I wasn’t too worried at the time, because we hadn’t even started on our long journey of trying to conceive.

But I had heard stories from people who had a parent who suffered with depression. I heard about mothers locking themselves in bathrooms to cry, meanwhile the kids think they did something to make their mom sad. Or of fathers who basically disappeared somewhere in the house in a dark room and didn’t interact or respond to their kids, who didn’t understand what was wrong with their dad. Most of all, I heard about how the depressed parent wouldn’t name what was wrong or talk about it, making the kids think that it was some big, dark, shameful secret.

Depression shouldn’t be a dark, shameful secret. It’s hard enough to deal with as it is, especially when it’s so hard to reach out for help while you are depressed. Depression should be understood as a medical condition that limits what a person can do. Depression should be treated and talked about and supported as a family, the way diabetes or some other medical disorder would be.

Even before I had kids, I was determined to be open about my SAD with my family and close friends, and definitely with my future kids. But how to do that? What is age appropriate to tell them? How will I find time for my light therapy with young children? How will I deal with the winter while the sleep deprivation that infants and young children bring? I had so many questions, and I still do, but no one to ask.

Every year since I was first pregnant, I’ve googled combinations of SAD and parenting to see if I could read anyone else’s experiences and/or tips. I haven’t really found any that go into the information I wanted or the depth I wanted. So after 4 winters as a parent, I’ve decided to write my own experiences. I apparently have a lot to write, so I’m going to do it in parts, including discussing the treatments that work for me as a parent, what it was like to go through pregnancy and the postpartum period, what it’s been like parenting young children through the winter, and my goals for the future as the kids get older.

Maybe these posts will help someone out there struggling with SAD as a parent. Maybe it will help my friends and family who don’t know what I go through understand what the winters are like in caramama’s casa. Definitely writing these posts will help me, since writing about things and putting it “out there” tends to be cathartic for me. And since it’s winter now, I am going to do all I can to help myself, which in turn helps my parenting and my kids.

Question of the Week - How Many Kids?

There has been talk lately about how many kids people are having (see the talk in posts by Moxie (comments section), hush, Cloud, to name a few).

Though there are lots of answers on those posts and comments, I'm asking the question out right here for this week's Question of the Week:

In an ideal world, how many kids are you going to have?

I say "an ideal world" because of my intimate familiarity with infertility. I know there are some out there who want more and are having problems with conceiving and/or carrying another child or even a first child. BTDT.

But for the sake of pretend, let's say that fertility is not an issue. How many kids would you have?

My answer: Hmmm. My answer...

Well, before I had kids, I almost always wanted three kids. I was the youngest of three, as was my husband. I am used to three. I like the dynamics of three. Three is comfortable to me. And heck, if my parents had stopped at two, I wouldn't be here!

There was a short period of time when I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to handle three, and thought just two. This was still before I had kids, but after I years of dealing with recurring depression which turned out to be Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). At the time, taking care of just myself even with the help of Londo seemed overwhelming. But then I figured out that it was SAD and started light therapy during the winters. Life seemed a bit easier.

And then we had the Pumpkin. My vivacious, spirited, active daughter who had such problems with sleeping and requires so much energy. But who also gives back so much joy and laughter and love.

To be honest, that first year of her life, I thought the idea of having more kids was I-N-S-A-N-E! But Londo and I had always planned on having two, at minimum. And after the first year, I started to regain some of my sense of self and sanity and even sleep. I continued to be sure I wanted at least one more. Not knowing how long it would take us to conceive again, we jumped right back into it, and were very lucky that it didn't take long with some help from the specialists.

Then was the really rough pregnancy, during which I swore up and down that that was it. I couldn't do it again. It was too hard, I was too tired. I could not handle another pregnancy. Two was it! I was so 100% sure!

Then... well, then there was the Pookie. He was an easier baby, and I didn't dislike the infant stage so much the second time around. And there were some really sweet moments with two children, and I would say to Londo, "well, maybe three." And he'd usually shake his head and insist that he was done. But once or twice he said "maybe" and meant it. In fact, we both agreed that he would hold off doing something permentant in the way of prevention for five years after the Pookie's birth. Just to be sure.

Enter into the narrative the Pookie's 6 month growth spurt/sleep regression, during which he woke up every. freaking. hour! to nurse! I made my sister promise me that if I ever started talking crazy about having another kid to remind me of that time, that hell of a time with both kids waking in the night, feeling drained and OMG I just could NEVER do that again! No way! I was done! Two and through! (Londo remained steadfast in his stance of just two.)

And now? Since about the time the Pookie was 9 months old on? I'm back to wanting three. I think I'm crazy. I can't imagine doing it again. We certainly can't afford it now AT ALL (which is the main reason I'm not pushing the issue with Londo. Yet). However, I do think I could handle three kids once I'm through the pregnancy and first year, thanks to the medication that was so successful for me last year. Granted it would be harder to have three, but I just don't think it would be exponentially harder. Just a fraction harder. After all, I found going from one to two not NEARLY as hard as going from zero to one. Surely going from two to three won't be as hard, either. (Unless perhaps we are blessed with another spirited child!) (Also, Londo does not feel the same about this. Londo found it harder than I did to go from one to two.)

When I walk around and see other families with three kids, I long for a similar family. When I think about the kids when they are older, I think how nice it would be to have three. When I think of the kids grown, I imagine three kids and spouses/partners and grandchild! There is something about a family with three kids that feels so right to me.

That doesn't mean that we will have three. Londo is still pretty sure his answer is two. I love our two kids, and I will definitely be extremely happy with this family as it currently is. But I worry that I will always feel like I wasn't done. That our family should have had one more. I just won't insist on it at the expense of going to the poor house or Londo having a total breakdown (his threats to leave me are just a joke... but his having a breakdown might have some truth to it).

I may want three kids now, at this moment, but my two are fantastic and I don't want to miss a moment with them. So I will focus on them now, and give it another year or two to decide for sure with Londo. This does mean we have to keep all that maternity clothes and infant clothes and toys for a few more years. It will be nice to get all that out of the house. But I'm not ready yet to say that we are done.

What about you? Are you done with one? Two and through? Three and let it be? Four or more? Has your answer changed over time, especially since actually having kids? Is your partner in agreement? If you don't have a partner, would you be willing to have more on your own? In your ideal world, how many kids would you have, knowing what you know now?

Question of the Week - Adventuring

It's spring time, and that's when I want to start getting out and doing things. Having adventures, taking trips, doing stuff. Historically, I simply can't do much in the winter, and I don't even really want to. But when the spring rolls around, I feel like I've been hibernating for months and it's time to get out and do things! Maybe it will change after a few years of medicating correctly, but because I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), I tend to feel like I have only half a year to do everything I want to do. So mentally, physically and emotionally, I want to DO EVERYTHING from about April on.

However, poor Londo is usually pretty exhausted by the spring time, since he does so much in the winter. I tend to plan too much and want him to be included too soon. So I'm working on not planning things for him until he is ready.

But that's not going to stop me from going on my own adventures, both with and without the kids!

The question of the week is what adventure(s) have you been on recently or are planning to go on soon?

This weekend was a very busy weekend, and I was so happy to be doing all sorts of stuff. My big adventure this weekend was going down into DC to see the cherry blossoms with the Pumpkin, a friend of the Pumpkin's and the friend's mom (my new friend). When we met at the Metro station, we looked at the crazy long lines just to buy Metro cards and then looked at each other like, "Woah!" But I said to my friend, "It's going to be very crowded. There are going to be long lines. We are going to have to wait a lot. But we'll have fun!"

And we did. I brought a stroller and my friend brought a wagon with two seats facing each other. The girls spent a lot of time sitting in the wagon and playing together (while we used the stroller for the bags). My friend and I got to chat about everything, which made lines and waiting easier. We brought snacks, drinks and stickers. We let the girls run around the grassy area by the Washington Monument, where they met a boy about a year older and joined him in kicking the soccer ball around. We walked all around the tidal basin, through the busy, crowded streets and sidewalks. We searched all over for a Metro station to get back. We made our way all around and back out with no plan, no real schedule and no major worries.

It was wonderful! I had a fun adventure with my daughter and our friends! We were spontaneous! We winged it! I can't wait to do something like that again... but not next weekend. I promised Londo I would not plan anything next weekend so we can do spring cleaning. But soon after, we are going to plan a camping trip, and we go to the beach the first week of June! Adventure and excitement, new and different things to do for the whole family! I can hardly wait!

What about you? Have you been on any adventures recently? Are you going anywhere good soon? Are you bring the kiddos and partners on your adventures? What do you dream of doing that you would consider adventurous?

Happy New Year 2010

Happy New Year!

I know I'm a day late, but yesterday was a rough day. It's better that I didn't post what I had written yesterday. I'm doing much better today, thanks to the relief Londo gave me yesterday.

I have hope (again) for the new year. I know that things will get better. Winters are always rough for me. This winter, my SAD has (again) become PPD. I find that rather depressing (is that irony?). But we'll manage. We always do. I see my doctor on Monday and I'm already extending the time I do my light therapy. Londo and I are working out ways to get me more sleep.

Londo called 2009 The Year of No Sleep. He's not wrong. But 2009 was also the year our family became a family of four. Our beautiful baby boy was born this year, and our amazing little girl has grown so much. Even with the little sleep, this year was wonderful.

I hope you all have a fantastic new year full of sleep!

Question of the Week - Counting Our Blessings

It's Thanksgiving week here in the US. And although it may be boring to ask, I really think it's important to think about and share what we are all thankful for--and I really want to know. But let's liven up the question a little bit.

This week's question of the week is:
What is something unusual and/or funny you are thankful for this year?

Because of course we are all thankful for our children, our partners, our family, our friends, our health, yadda yadda yadda.

I am thankful for the roof-top carrier that goes on top of the car to put luggage in. Otherwise, we would either not be able to do the trip to the inlaws with the two adults, two kids, the dog and our luggage, or we would have had to buy a minivan by now!

Oh, and I'm especially thankful for Z0loft! Here we are in mid-November, and I'm actually feeling pretty good! (The tired and sleep deprived are not from my SAD this time!) When I told my doctor that I'm so thankful for the meds, he said, "Well, they couldn't have done it without you." I like him partly because he has a similar totally corny sense of humor to mine.

I hope you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Question of the Week - Fall Activities

It's that time of year again. Autumn is falling down on us. Here in the DC area, we just started getting some cooler weather, leaves changing colors and that crisp smell in the air.

With my Seasonal Affective Disorder, fall fills me with anxiety and starts this ticking clock of doom. Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm sitting in front of my therapy light. I started it early and am doing a good chunk of time already. I plan to go on medication again, but I was late in finding a doctor to prescribe it and don't have an appointment until next week. I believe that the light therapy (which worked so well for me for years) can get me through until I ramp up on my medication. So far, I seem to be doing alright. I don't anticipate this year being as rough as last year, because the pregnancy really made things extra hard for me and I'm not pregnant this year. But I will have to plan for the sleep deprivation that I'm already deep in.

I'm actually feeling a bit positive about getting through this winter. This time last year I was already so exhausted from pregnancy that I didn't want to do anything. It helped a lot to hear everyone respond to a post with great things about autumn, in fact I just reread it and have gotten excited about all of those things!

This year, I've already started doing and planning fall activities! Just this past weekend, we looked at Halloween costumes for the kids (haven't picked any out yet, though) and went to an Oktoberfest! The Pumpkin and I went to the neighborhood across the street for food, fun and music. One of my best friends, her husband and their son, who is a few months older than the Pumpkin, went over with us, and I met up with my parents there. I gave Londo a pass to watch football and keep the Pookie home. It ended up being a great time for the Pumpkin and I to spend together.

The Pumpkin had her first pony ride! It was cut very short, which was fine. I was holding her and walking next to her, and just a few paces in she looked up at me and said she wanted to get down. She's not scared of many things, but she had this unsure look on her face like it was a little scary. I asked her if she wanted to try a little more, but after another two steps, she said she wanted to get down again. So I picked her up, we patted the pony and thanked him for the ride, and that was that. My friend's son loved his ride and went around the whole way, which was very cute to see.

The Pumpkin went in the "bouncy house," which was fun. We watched the children's choir sing. We had lunch while listening to German music played live. We got ice cream cones. And most fun of all, we went on a hay ride! She sat in my lap, and we went around the lake and part of the neighborhood. It was a blast!

There are a lot of great activities that are special for the fall. And this week's question of the week is:

What fall activities are on your agenda?

We are also planning on going to the petting farm next Saturday (anyone else want to go? Email me if you do!), a Redskins game on Sunday, a Halloween party the following Saturday, possibly another fall festival, possibly pumpkin picking and hopefully camping out in the backyard one of these nights (when the Pumpkin doesn't have a cough or runny nose... so maybe not this fall...).

How about you guys? Any good fall activities? How are you planning to enjoy the nice autumnal weather?

Sleepless in caramama's House

Well, not sleepless, but pretty crappy sleep.

Some nights are great! Until a two weekends ago, the Pumpkin had been sleeping through the night in her own bed by herself probably 5 out of 7 nights. Most nights over the last month or more, the Pookie has sleep a big chunk (like 3-4 hours) at the beginning of the night and then woken every 2 hours or so. The nights when both kids are sleeping at their best, Londo and I get decent sleep. I wake up feeling better good and like I can handle the day.

Then we have nights like the last two nights, and the three nights prior to Saturday night (Saturday night was actually a good night). These are the nights when the Pookie wakes up every. freaking. hour. and kicks and squirms and nurses the rest of the time and/or (usually and) the Pumpkin comes into our bed with a book she wants Daddy to read (okay, that's kind of cute) and tosses and turns on us, between us and into us.

I so grumpy today. I'm so very very tired. I went to bed at 9:00 just hoping to get a chunk of sleep when the baby first went to bed, but he woke up at 10:15 and was not restful the whole night, including waking up every hour. The Pumpkin was in bed with us since midnight or earlier and was very grumpy herself this morning. And the Pookie was fussing just enough to keep me from being able to finish getting ready for the morning. Londo stayed home sick this morning, so he helped me out a great deal.

Did I mention we've all been sick and were finally feeling better but now not so much?

Plus, fall is now here and I haven't started doing anything to treat my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Ugh. I'm just happy to be back at work where I deal with very few people who act like babies and toddlers.

I'm Back, Baby!

You may have noticed, as my friend paola did, that I've been around a lot more. Not only am I posting more on my own site, but I'm also jumping back into conversations on Ask Moxie, catching up with all the blogs I used to read (and I really do go back and read most of the posts, depending on how many I'm behind), and even commenting more frequently again on other blogs.

I recently said that I felt my spirits lifting because I could tell I was about to feel better. Well, now I can officially say that I feel better. The fog that was in my brain has melted away. I'm able to think more clearly and plan things to do and even do things like run errands after work! In other words, I'm feeling like a normal human being again.

However, the exhaustion? Still here. But I truly believe that's due to the pregnancy and a toddler who is not a good sleeper, rather than my SAD. Considering I was exhausted pretty much my whole pregnancy with the Pumpkin, I'm not surprised to be exhausted this whole pregnancy, especially considering how rare it is for me to sleep through the night.

I'm 27 weeks and starting my third trimester. The due date (June 19) is less than 3 months away!

Anyway, I just wanted to make a note that I'm back in the blogging world. I'm interacting with people again. I'm feeling like my social self again. So if you see me around, don't be too surprised. I used to be around all the time. It was just a rough winter.

Oh, and I would like to plan a DC Area Get Together for sometime in April or early May! Who's with me?

Health Updates

Before I get to today's post, in which I will give health updates on the Pumpkin, the baby brudda and myself, I wanted to say a couple little things.

First, thanks to everyone who commented on this week's question of the week. All of those answers were extremely helpful, and I'm looking into all the suggestions. We are big fans of Nature's Miracle, but I was worried about using in on the antique fabric. I will just test a spot first to see if it's okay. Maybe I'll use some fabric cleaner after using it, too.

Second, I really am going to post the Pumpkin's year in review, but it's taking me a while to go through the year and write it up. I will also do her annual assessment, but I have to do the year in review first so I can accurately assess her. I'm hoping to get them finished next week.

Third, on my way to work this morning, I was thinking about last week's question of the week, and guess what came on the radio? Magic Carpet Ride, by Steppenwolf! I was so happy.

Now, on to today's post...

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The Pumpkin
The Pumpkin had her two-year checkup last Friday. She weighs 34.5 lbs, and is 36.5" tall. That puts her in the 95% for weight (up from the 75%, although she was in the 95% prior to that) and in the 97% for height (where she has been since birth). She is so tall! She doesn't look chubby, because of her length, but she does still have enough baby fat to be cuddly and delicious! By the way, she does not get the height from me, since I'm only 5'2"; however, Londo is 6'4", so there you go.

She is healthy and developing well. She is definitely on the top end of the bell curve for physical skills and communication skills, but on the low end for sleeping. We talked to the doctor mostly about her becoming a sibling, starting pre-school in the fall, dealing with potty training and other age-appropriate issues. I love our doctor! She had really good advice and ideas.

The Pumpkin also got her finger pricked and blood taken and her MMR shot. She HATED both! But they're done, and everything else went well. Although we are going back for one last DTaP shot (we try to break up the shots into separate visits but I forgot to schedule it when I was supposed to, so we're doing it this week.)

Another things we remembered while at the doctors... she is NO GOOD in waiting rooms. She does NOT like to wait, sit still, stay in the room. Thank goodness Londo was with me to help corral and entertain her (and to hold her for the prick and shot!).

Baby Brudda*
The baby boy is measure on target and looks good. Two OB appointments ago, when we got the big ultrasound, the doctor pointed out that there was some extra fluid in the boy's kidneys. He told us that occassionally, this is due to a blockage, therefore he wanted to keep an eye on it. Our last OB visit was last week, and the ultrasound should the same amount of fluid. This is good news, because if there was more fluid, that would indicate blockage.

We didn't get into it much, but Londo and I like to know what's going on and be prepared. Essential, the doctor said that if it was blockage, they would have to see how long it could wait to be dealt with so that I could deliver early. He mentioned that surgery in utero is something they try not to do if they can help it.

YIKES! Yes, the thought of surgery on the baby in utero or on a premiee just after birth scares the begeezes out of me! But amazingly enough, I'm just not that worried about things during this pregnancy. With the Pumpkin, I was worried about everything, especially considering how long it took us to conceive her and the miscarriage I had prior to her. This time, I am rarely concerned about the pregnancy, except in terms of how my depression and medication might affect the baby.

Luckily, it does not appear to be a blockage. The kidneys just have a little extra fluid in them. Not much, just a little. But we will continue to keep our eye on it and get ultrasounds to ensure it stays level or even goes down. Other than that, things look good!

The doctor is even happy about my weight. I have been worried about that, because with the depression I had lost a couple pounds and I think it's the upped dosage of medication is making me constantly nauseous. Since losing some pounds, I have managed to gain back those pounds and add a few more! The doctor says I'm doing fine. I'd like to thank the makers of Ensure for providing me with an option to get nutrition in a form I can stomach even when I'm too depressed to get anything to eat or too nauseous to think of most foods. My baby and I are both getting good nutrition thanks to them. (I should be on a commercial!)

Although the major factor is definitely Londo, who has taken over all cooking duties and helps make sure I'm eating and eating mostly healthy foods. He's the best.

*When you ask the Pumpkin what's in mommy's belly, she answers "baby brudda!" It's incredibly cute, especially when she follows it up with a kiss on my belly.

Me
Apparently I already started on me. I'm eating a bit better and am working hard to stay healthy. But let me update about my health in general, outside the pregnancy. (Is there such a thing when you are the vessel to a parasite?)

Due to the longer hours of daylight, the good weather that recurs (although interspersed with cold weather) and the time change, I am starting to feel better. Maybe it's more that my spirits are lifted because I know that I'm about to feel better. It's hard to distinguish the two from each other. At first, it was definitely the latter, as I still felt that my brain chemicals had not caught up to the dawning Spring. But now, I am definitely noticing a difference.

In the fall, my SAD starts with me getting more and more tired, and it progresses into depression. Now, in the Spring, I'm feeling less depressed, although still very tired. I know it will only get better as March turns into April and April into May. I'm planning to meet with my doctor soon and discuss a plan for weaning off the medication, which we are working to do prior to the baby's birth in June.

June... That may be a different story than April and May in terms of my sanity. Hehe. But that will be for a different, wonderful, and life-changing reason that will be well worth it.

As for next fall and every fall after, I am committed to finding the right medication at the right dosage to ensure that I'm a sane and even-keeled mommy for my kids and wife for my husband and self for myself.

Ways I'm Dealing with Depression

You all are so great. All your comments have really helped me. Thank you so much for your kindness and support.

When I wrote I feel like the worst mother in the world, it was because I had finished my evening light therapy but I was too tired to get up and leave my room. I could hear Londo and the Pumpkin downstairs laughing and playing. I could also hear her start to tantrum and Londo get frustrated. Normally, I would have gone downstairs to join in the fun or help out with the tantrum. But I couldn't do either. I just couldn't be part of my family. I am not able to spend much time with my darling girl. And I happen to love the toddler stage and can even handle tantrums (to a point, of course). I just feel removed from my family, and that makes me even more sad and guilty. But the Pumpkin still lights up when she sees me, and we still laugh and have fun. And I know this is a short time in our lives, and future winters will be better when I'm not pregnant and am able to take the right medication I need. It's just hard to sit upstairs depressed while life continues below me.

I'm doing a little bit better. When I realized how bad I was doing Sunday and Monday (and leading up to it), I also realized that I needed to do things to help me feel better and get through this. I'm very proud of myself for the things I've done in the last few days. Especially because doing anything at this point seems overwhelming. For example, I need some comfortable, flat, brown shoes (pregnancy has me out of my heels, boo hooo). To most people, it's nothing to run out and buy a pair of shoes. But the idea of going to a store, finding/picking some out, trying them on, buying them... it makes me want to cry because it is so overwhelming to me.

But let me concentrate on the good things I've done, which will help keep me feeling better.

The two biggest things I'm doing are:
1. Telling the people who need to know that I am not doing well. While it's happening, not after I am feeling better (which was my usual MO).
2. Asking for the help I need. This includes determining what help I need, who can/should provide that, and reaching out to let them know I need help because of #1.

Because of these two things, I have accomplished the following:
-I upped the length of time I'm doing my light therapy.

-I have been taking Tylenol PM semi-regularly, while Londo takes night duty, so that I can get better quality of sleep. The Pumpkin is sleeping some nights by herself in her own bed! But even those nights, I wasn't sleeping well because I have a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep (and falling back asleep) during pregnancy. My OB said (as has Cloud and others--thanks again) that Tylenol PM is perfectly safe to take, and I can take it as often as I need.

-I made an appointmnet with a new doctor to montitor my medication, because my old doctor is moving. My old doctor gave me the name of the new doctor, and I had left her a message, but didn't do anything more. Finally, I sent an email saying how poorly I was doing and could she squeeze me in soon. Which led to...

-I saw the new doctor last night, and we agreed to up the dosage of my medication a bit more. Apparently, it's still really safe in pregnancy at any dose, so I'm feeling good about that. She also helped me figure out ways to deal with what I'm going through, including telling me the other things I've been doing are right on.

-I have asked my mom to help me with things around the house. She was already on board with helping me prepare the Pumpkin's new room (and there is a lot of work to be done to get it ready), but right now, I need help with laundry and dishes and just picking up. Londo can only do so much, and right now, he's pretty much doing it all. We live around all of my immediate family, and they want to help. So I'm asking for help, and they are happy to do it!

-My MIL and FIL are planning to come up next weekend, and my MIL asked if she could stay for an extra week. I have happily agreed! I get along really well with my ILs, and my MIL is soooo helpful. We will still have our nanny come during the day, and my MIL often tries to help around the house while the nanny is here. I'm going to ask her for the help I need, in addition to her watching the Pumpkin in the evenings and some nights (she actually requests the night shift both to give us a break and to get snuggle time while cosleeping with the Pumpkin).

-After many talks with my bosses (I have at least three) over the months about what I'm going through and what we cn do to make things work for me, I finally came up with a plan with them that will work for me. They had one plan, but that fell through. Then the boss I'm mainly working with to figure this out came up with another plan that probably would have worked for me a few months ago. But I had to tell her that I am in a different place now, I'm really not doing well, and my needs have changed. So together, we came up with what I think will work for me, both in hours, location and projects. This has eased my stress a great deal!

It's amazing to me how I can feel better just by admitting I need help and asking for what I need. Of course, that means figuring out what I need. I honestly don't think I could have figured it out if I hadn't upped my light therapy and gotten some goods nights of sleep. But now, I am thinking a little more clearly and feeling a little bit better. This will be a tough month, and next month won't be great. But that's only another month or two, and then things will get better.

And then, we'll have a newborn and toddler and be crazy all over again! At least it will be June!

Depressed

I'm not doing well and can't even bring myself to finish the Question of the Week post I started. Maybe I'll get it out tomorrow, but I don't know...

And, I feel like the worst mother in the world.

Better Living Through Modern Chemistry

What if I said that I was feeling tired all of the time, even when I was getting enough sleep. That my appetite was off. My energy was low. I was having trouble concentrating and unable to be creative. I was also having difficulty remembering things.

I think most people would suggest I get to a doctor because something could be wrong. People would suggest having my thyroid checked and get on medication to regulate that.

What if I added to that list of symptoms that I was feeling depressed or anxious.

I think a lot of people would start to hem and haw a bit. Maybe I should see someone about that. But I believe people would start to get uncomfortable.

What if I rephrased the whole list of physical symptoms and said that I was feeling very depressed/anxious. I wasn't able to eat/eating all of the time. I just couldn't seem to get anything done or want to do anything. I didn't want to think about anything, but just curl up in bed and not come out.

Some people would definitely treat this list very different from the first list. They would suggest I pull myself out of it or eat better and exercise more. While everyone should eat healthy and exercise and certainly a good attitude is helpful with many things in life, many people would hesitate to say that I should take something to help regulate the problem.

Why is it when a health problem is focused above the neck people do not treat it the same as health problems below the neck? Why is "mental health" viewed so differently than "physical health"? Why are people who need to go on medication for depression or anxiety held to a different standard than those who have to go on medication for thyroid issues or diabeties?

The brain is an organ in your body. It has to balance many chemicals in order to function properly. These chemicals sometimes get unbalanced and need to be regulated, just as the thyroid does or the blood sugar levels. There are physical symptoms that aren't nebulous and unclear, even if people sometimes don't describe them in the more "factual" way as I did the in first example.

This is a conversation I've had with quite a few people lately. It is a subject very important to me, and it always has been. I've said before that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which I have historically treated with light therapy. After a good look at how affective the light therapy has been for me and the time it takes, I decided this fall to go on anti-depressant medication.

This is one of the best decisions I have made in my life.

I have been considering medication for years, but since I would need it for only half of a year, I was hesitant to go on it. However, I am working with a doctor who is comfortable with me trying it for only half the year and see how I feel. She helped me pick a medication that is pretty safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding. Yes, I made this decision when I knew we were going to try to conceive. I carefully weighed my options, and I knew that the only way I could take care of any baby I conceive is if I take care of myself, which in my case requires medication (the light therapy is no longer enough for me). There are worse things than taking medication while pregnant, which one blogger was brave enough to share (I love this woman for writing that post). I am taking the generic for Zoloft, which is working pretty well for me so far.

But my issue is easy compared to others. I have a biological depression (my number one symptom is exhaution, which leads to depression for me) that is environmentally induced. The brain chemical melatonin is supressed by sunlight, and seratonin is increased with sunlight. As best I can figure is that in the winter, with the lack of enough sun, my body produces too much melatonin and not enough seratonin. It's a chemical reaction that is documented. Most people are pretty understanding about it because it because there is an easily explained, scientifically-based, biological explanation. The people I have told that I've gone on medication totally understand that it helps regulate my brain chemicals.

But what about others who deal with depression or anxiety that don't have this biological/environmental explanation? The brain chemicals can also change depending on the pathways our thought patterns create. When those chemicals are so unbalanced that a person is deeply depressed or anxious, they can't just pull themselves out of it or eat right and exercise. They need medication to bring the chemicals back into balance so they can deal with the issues they are facing. So they can find the energy and the will to eat better and exercise. So they can be capable of pulling themselves out of it.

And some people may forever need to be on medication (read Dooce's post about her need to be on medication!). Their brain does not produce the chemicals in a balanced way. Just like a diabetics body does not produce enough insulin or a person with a thyroid imbalance does not produce the right amount of the thyroid hormone. And you know what? That is okay too! People would never ask a diabetic when they were going to get off of their insulin. Why do people ask those who are dealing with an above the neck problem?

The medication is not some "happy pill" that makes you feel euphoric or numb your feelings (well, for most people, although I can't speak to how medication affects everyone). The medication brings people (at least me and those I know) back to feeling normal. No doctor is looking to put people on anti-depressants to make them feel wonderful. It is to make them feel normal. The normal that people with balanced brain chemicals feel. That means the normal highs and lows, the good days and bad days, the regular types of happy and sad. Although I have been on medication for about four weeks, I still have good days and bad. But I am not so tired and depressed that I can't take care of myself, my toddler, my job, my house. And that is a wonderful thing for me in the fall and winter.

The brain is just another organ. It is more complex than other organs because our thoughts and feelings come from there. But that means that medication plus therapy should be a natural conclusion when people are having problems. It does not mean that people should all be "normal" and fine and have no mental health issues. The body is an amazing thing, but it is not perfect.

I'm glad I live in the world today. We've come so far as a society and culture (wooo hooo for Obama!). And yet this stigma remains for people dealing with depression and anxiety. For people who are on medication for neck-up problems. I imagine it's just that people who haven't suffered from serious depression or anxiety just don't get it. The way my dad didn't understand how bad migraines really were until he got one. I don't wish depression or anxiety on anyone. I just hope that those who are lucky enough to have their brain chemicals in balance realize that not everyone does and it is a health issue just like any other and should be treated with medication when needed.

Question of the Week - Autumn is in the Air

Before you read the Question of the Week and thrill me with your answers, why don't you check out my fond reminiscing of babyhood and the cool Online Baby Shower for two awesome bloggers. I was going to make the Question of the Week a continuation of that post and ask you all what your favorite moments or aspects of babyhood were, but then I realized that if you wanted to talk about those things, you could comment in that post where Kristen and Rebecca can find it more easily.

But today is Autumnal Equinox. That means that there is equal amounts of day and night on this day, which happens twice a year (the other is Vernal or Spring Equinox). This day is tough for me because it means that winter is coming, and I will be having less and less daylight. As a person with Seasonal Affective Disorder, that is not good news.

But some of you, including Londo, LOVE the fall! So it's up to you people to cheer me up with your answers to this week's Question of the Week:

What is your favorite thing about the fall?

Mine is the leaves changing color and Halloween. Halloween is my favorite holiday, so I do get excited about October because of that.

But what else is there? What things to do you love about the autumn?

It Comes With the Job

Hey! Did you remember that I have another blog where I review things like books? Me neither! Just kidding. I remembered, I just haven't had much time to write anything over there. But last night I finally wrote my review for my TBR Challenge July book! I read and reviewed the book The Pact, by Jodi Picoult.

The book was excellent, but it's left me thinking a great deal about how I need to protect my child (and future children) and how to watch out for her (them).

For example, I worry a great deal about the fact that depression runs in families. Since I suffer annually from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and had postpartum depression (PPD), I am concerned that my children may also suffer from some form of depression. It's not an easy thing to live with, and I hope that they don't. But what if they do? Will I recognize the signs? Will I be able to do anything to help? Will they feel comfortable talking with me about it and asking for help when they need it?

I like to think that I will and they will. I hope that seeing me actively manage these issues and my being open about the issues will provide them a good model if they have issues of their own. I like to think that because I know the signs and am watching for them I will be able to recognize them in time to help. It's hard to be go through depression, especially as a preteen and teen when your emotions and hormones are going crazy anyway. I like to think that I can help them. But when the time comes, will I notice a difference between normal moody teen behavoir and real issues? Will I be able to provide the support and understanding they need, or will I just be Mama not understanding it and trying to get into their business?

What about something bad happening to them? I have the book Protecting the Gift just waiting to be ordered when I put in my next amazon order, since I hear such good things about it. But things can happen to children even with the most watchful parents. I think about how in just a few unattended moments, the life of the girl in the book turned down a dark path and never righted itself. Those things happen. I think of Elizabeth Smart and other children who are snatched from their very bedrooms. Not all end as well as Elizabeth's story.

I worry. I worry and worry and worry. I've never been a worrier. I know I can only do my best. I know that bad things happen to good people. I know that I can't protect my child(ren) from everything (goodness, I wish I could!). I know that my child(ren) are already having it easier than many other children in the world.

But I still worry. It's what parents do.

Bel Canto Review and Re-Reading Tully

Last Sunday, I finished Bel Canto, by Ann Patchett, my April read for the TBR Challenge. For two months in a row, my TBR Challenge books had to do with people being held hostage. I'm not sure what that was about... I must have been feeling hostage (maybe to the baby?) when I set my book list. hehe.

Let me warn you there may be spoilers in the following paragraph. I won't give away details, but I may hint at what happens in a way that could be considered spoilers.

Bel Canto was a very well-written book, and I think that I did like the book. It was slow, very slow, but that was done on purpose to really make it more of a character study than an action book about a hostage situation. The characters were interesting and even believable, given the situation. But (you knew there would be a but, didn't you?) there was a lot of build up, a whole book of build up, and then BAMB! it was over. And even though there was an epilogue, there really wasn't any wrap up or closure. It was almost like a Twilight Zone ending that left me going "Huh? Really?" I can see what she was trying to do with the epilogue, but I don't think she explained it well which was just disappointing.

Now, I'm re-reading a book called Tully, by Paulline Simons, which was my favorite when I was 17 or 18, around there somewhere. I loved this book deeply. I recently thought of the book and thought that I would like to read it from my current perspective, with the life experience that I have gained in the over 10 years since I've read the book. Now that I'm re-reading it, I still think it's a fabulous book, but OH MY GOODNESS! Is it ever depressing! I've already been through a few weeping spells, and I'm only on page 173. What was up with me when I was younger? Was I that melancholy, that dark? I guess I was. I suffered from the SAD since my early teens (maybe earlier), but it was undiagnosed. So I guess this book spoke to the darkness inside of me that I was struggling with.

Now, my favorite books are usually romance novels, which may have some trouble in them but I am guaranteed a happy ending, sweet romance and the story of falling in love. These are much better for me to read emotionally and for my relationship with my hubby. I've noticed that most of my books on my TBR Challenge are dramas, dark or deep in one way or another. The guideline for the TBR Challenge was that you had to put books on your list which have been sitting around waiting for you to read for over 6 months. So these dramas, these deep books I buy or receive because they sound very interesting, but I end up reading the lighter, happier books. I will work on trying for a better balance throughout the year from now on.

There's the update on my reading. Don't say I don't keep you up to date on it!

Looking Together Vs. Having It Together

The posts and comments on Ask Moxie the last couple of days, plus some emails on the side and some comments IRL, have got me thinking about the difference between looking like you have it together and really having it together.

For example, my officemate at work told me recently that she never would have known I had PPD if I hadn't told her. She said I always seem so happy and cheerful (she might have even used the word "chipper"). And I'm sure I usually do... at work. It's home where I crash when I'm feeling depressed or even just down. It's in the privacy of my own home where I melt down and cry or sit on the couch and zone out not looking at anything. It's home where Londo has to make sure I've eating something, makes sure I go to bed, makes sure I'm really honestly alright (or not).

So many of us put on our best show for the outside world. So often parents who are incredibly sleep deprived go out in the world and try to appear like they have it together, when underneath they are "hazy foggers." Since about high school, I personally have develop this habit of dressing extra nice when I'm feeling really bad. For me, it's a way to help me feel better by at least looking nicer than I feel and also to put up a facade so the world doesn't know just how rough I'm doing.

And the facade I put up is often more than just the physical appearance. One of my best friends IMed me after reading a post I wrote recently about how much better I was feeling. She said she didn't realize just how bad I was feeling. She said I kind of mention that I've not been feeling well and when she asks I say I'm fine. I realized that this is because I don't really talk about how bad I'm feeling until I feel better (with everyone except Londo). Once I'm feeling better, then I can share that I was feeling really depressed or whatever I was feeling. But by that time, when people ask how I am or if they can help, I doing better and don't need help.

For me, my depression is tied to the Seasonal Affective Disorder (and recently to the PPD), and therefore come every winter. I guess in my head, people who know this about me should simply know that in the winter I am not doing well. But people forget, and I act fine on the outside. To be honest, I don't know how else to act. I can't have a breakdown at work or when I'm out in public, because it would be putting myself on display. Who's going to want to do that? In most cases, people do act like they've got it somewhat together in public.

So when I see other moms looking like they have it all under control, I rarely believe that they really do. I never assume that everyone else handles this parenting thing just fine, that it's just me who has a hard time. I know that not all babies are as fussy as mine, but I do know that most babies go through sleep regressions, teething, sicknesses, terrible twos/threes, and just general grumpiness. Moms who look perfect and seem to be able to juggle everything with a smile--I think it's great that can look like they have it together! Do they really have it together? Maybe, but probably they are struggling with the same things I am, you are, everyone is. For all I know, I might look as put together as they do--and on occassions I might even feel that together!

But the one thing that makes me sad is when we verbally lie to each other. Now, I understand that people don't want to share their troubles with random strangers. But if someone I know were to look at me and say that being a mom isn't that hard, that they can handle everything, that they really do have it all together, I will believe them. If they are lying, that makes me sad. I guess people do it because they don't want advice or for others to think they can't handle being a parent. I understand that, but if we don't share how hard this can be with each other, how will we ever know that it is normal to struggle? That it's normal to have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night? That it is normal to feel down? That you are not alone in having PPD or other emotional problems?

I'm rambling, I know. But I'm tired, because we are in a bit of a sleep regression. I really am circling around two points:
1. I think it's important we don't judge a book by its cover. Especially when the person we end up judging is ourselves because we don't think we have it together like so-and-so.
2. I think it's equally important that we are honest with each other. We aren't afraid to say, "My child is fussy, she is not sleeping, and this parenting thing isn't easy." The more of us who are honest with each other, who put ourselves out there as not "perfect," the better we will be as a community of people.

Of course, for my second point to work, we have to be less judgemental of other people and be willing to ignore those who are judgemental. They are either lying to you or themselves or simply don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. They are not your target audience. But there might be someone listening, some other parent or soon-to-be parent that hears you and what you say makes all the difference in the world to them.

At Least I'm Feeling More Normal

Thank you all so much for you sympathy and advice on yesterday's post. I will work on being patient (not one of my strengths) and accepting that I will have a new normal, post-child(ren) body. I've been working on eating even better than I had been (minus my super crazy sweet tooth, but I've always had that).

Speaking of feeling normal, I've been dealing with everything so much better lately. As we head into spring, my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is improving, as it does every March/April. Because of that, my postpartum depression (PPD) has just about gone away. These two were obviously very closely tied for me.

Let me give you an example of how much better I'm doing. Londo was away on business from Monday until yesterday evening. I can't believe I didn't even mention it while he was gone, but that was because I was doing really well by myself! Yes, it was during the work week, so I wasn't home with a fussy baby all day, but it was still a lot of work to take care of her, the animals, the house and everything else by myself. Londo really shares the childrearing and housework with me, so I'm not used to having to carry the load all by myself. And it's tough.

Last time he went away, I glossed over how bad I felt and how hard it was on me. I didn't get into it here on my blog, but boy did I talk about it with my therapist (who I see for my PPD)! The big mistake we (Londo and I) made was not setting up an adequate support system. I didn't realize that she would not be sleeping as well or that she would skip a nap each day on the weekend while he was gone. In February, I spend 2 or more hours a day in front of a special light that mimics the part of the sunlight that I need (without the harmful UV rays or the rays that would give me a nice tan). When she missed her nap, I didn't have enough time in front of my light. (Babies and kids eyes cannot be in front of the light, because it is very bright and could damage their developing eyes.)

When I don't get enough light, it's like I miss a dose of anti-depressant medication. Not good. Something as simple as her not taking her nap started me on a downward spiral. I couldn't do my light, which filled me with anxiety, which turned a minor frustration into something momentous in my mind, which made me depressed and even more exhausted, which made the baby harder to watch and deal with, which made her fussier, which made me more frustrated and depressed, etc. etc. Doesn't that sound like a fun weekend? Luckily, I wasn't like that all the time that weekend he was away, because the Pumpkin was in general in a good mood and slept pretty well at night. Also, I did reach out for help when I finally realized I needed it, and my mom came over. But I should have had more help or asked sooner. Lesson learned.

But on to the good news... I did great while Londo was away these last few days. I don't just mean outwardly, because I went through all the motions just fine last time. I mean inside my head and emotionally, I did great. Was it easy to do it all by myself? No. Was the Pumpkin fussy on and off? Of course. Did I get frustration? At times. Did it send me on an emotional downward spiral? NO!! It did not! I was able to be frustrated, take a deep breath and move on. This sounds like such a small thing, but it is huge. If you've never been truly, seriously depressed, I don't know if you'll get it. So just trust me, this is a big deal!

I really believe I'm moving past my PPD. I will still do my light therapy for a couple more weeks and take my fish oil to get those fantastic Omega-3 fatty acids, which help with mood. And I will still be very aware of when to ask for help and keep backup plans in place. Because I just never know if a few bad nights of sleep will send me down the spiral again, but for now, I'm feeling very good. I'm enjoying motherhood even more. And I'm even more in love with my daughter!

For anyone else who is suffering from PPD or is pregnant and is concerned they may develop PPD, please check out the following resources:
-Ask Moxie has a PDF on the left side of her site (under Download This) with 14 Tips to Prevent Postpartum Depression
-Ask Moxie also has a few Q&A posts about people dealing with PPD, such as this one, and if you search her site you will find many others
-Check out Dooce's blog, especially the recent post she wrote about her depression, PPD and taking medication
-Here's a post by Dooce's husband, an important look at how a person's depression affects their partner
-Here's a site specifically for Maryland residents
-This is a site where people suffering from PPD share their stories in order to not feel so alone

There are many other resources out there, too. This parenthood thing isn't easy on regular days. When the fog clears, it's amazing how much better even the hard days are. If you or someone you know is suffering from PPD, please get help or help them to get help. It's worth it.

Coming Out of a Fog

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog lately. It seems to be very linked to my sleep, which really means the Pumpkin's ability to sleep until morning (or Londo's ability to get her in the night). The past few nights have been really good, and we are hoping it continues overall to be better.

I've noticed that her sleep is very "two steps forward, one step back" (or maybe one and a half steps back), so I am expecting another set back. But each set back isn't as bad or as long as the one before, and nothing is as bad as the sleep regression/fussy period from 3.5 months to 7.5 months. Whew, that was rough!

I was doing pretty bad a couple weeks ago, but lately I'm feeling so much better. And because the fog is lifting, I'm realizing how much crap I've not finished up at work. All the minutia, the busy work, that is a pain in the butt, but still has to get done. So I am keeping this post short (even though I have things I want to write that are much longer), and now I've gotta get back to work.

I hope you all are feeling sunny!